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Newest Member: Isobella31

Just Found Out :
My Husband is on Ashley Madison Dump

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Change2Be ( member #47878) posted at 7:00 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

Yes! Good for you for taking care of yourself and giving yourself space to think and write and breathe. I hope that you gain clarity. That will help you through.


Dday: May, 2015

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou

posts: 130   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2015
id 7322270
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Rebreather ( member #30817) posted at 7:22 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

You will learn a lot about your path based on his reaction at lunch.

Good luck.

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

posts: 8016   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2011
id 7322301
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Skan ( member #35812) posted at 8:22 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

Sending lots of thoughts of strength to you, during lunch. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 7322388
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BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 9:40 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

DM- good luck. I know this seems like such a huge shock and is so terrifying to see the other side but one step at a time. Give yourself space and regroup. There will be some dark days ahead but you'll get through this.

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3370   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 7322500
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Lovinglife ( new member #49118) posted at 12:16 AM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2015

Which dump site did you use? The one I used only told me his email was part of it. I didnt see a profile pic. I want to get all this info to use against him.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015
id 7322671
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atreides ( member #44180) posted at 12:25 AM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2015

Loving, see my post on how to get the data here on page 10

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=567920&HL=44180

I can post how to read the data if you need

posts: 389   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2014
id 7322681
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 DevastatedMother (original poster new member #49060) posted at 12:52 AM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2015

We had lunch. Well, I had lunch, my husband had coffee. I'm sure he had no appetite, and frankly I hadn't until this morning.

I said I didn't care about the details of his affair. I was bitterly disappointed that he HAD an affair. I stated that I knew at least four times that he met "her." I finally told him there is no solution to his cheating.

Inside I was shaking, and I could tell he was feeling very guilty and remorseful. But we kept it civil, at least he did. He let me angrily tell him how pissed I felt. I told him that this was intolerable, and that I did not want to hear any excuses or promises. Finally I told him I'm not sure of my decision, and that I was leaving for a week.

We had planned on spending a week on vacation later this month, leaving the kids with his parents this time, but I told him that I needed time to myself, and I had one more condition: that he stay home from work and take care of the kids himself. I told him this was not in any way going to help me decide, but this was for him to reflect on what is important in his life.

My friend had told me one more thing: that Ashley Madison had actually gotten the information a month ago, but only released it when my friend got it for her company. I asked him if he was going to tell me if my friend didn't find the information? And how he felt for the past month? He had no answer, and I"m not sure how I should take that. That was the only time I think I felt like spitt-er, sputtering at him. Frankly, though, I don't think HE even knows.

Finally, I told him in no uncertain terms was he to contact me or to "surprise" me for the entire week. I need the time to myself. I'm not sure what I'll do when the week is over, but for now I need to be to myself.

He agreed. I trust him with the kids; why wouldn't I? He's had them before when I took trips. He said he never met the woman other than at her town in another state (she's divorced), and I would tend to believe it, at least I am very sure she never came to our home.

But I felt I did as well as I could. I'm sorry for my rather incoherent ramblings in posts earlier. I tend to be angry through my postings, or constructive through my puzzle website which I'll work on next week to keep my mind occupied.

I'll know where I'll be when I return next week. I get the Internet in Mexico as I may need to contact different people and maybe post here, as well as work on my website. But I am feeling much better, and will definitely know what I'll be doing in a week.

Tomorrow we pick up the kids, then I'll probably sleep in the guest bedroom as my flight is Sunday. Luckily, I got my passport updated already, otherwise I would have had to wait until Monday or Tuesday, and I don't think I can stay with him in the house longer than a night until some time has passed.

Speaking of the kids: I told my husband that if the information about him leaks out, we won't keep it from my eldest child, as she is already aware of relationships between men and women. I'm not sure how long it will be before she knows. My god when I was ten I had no knowledge of such things. I'll cross that bridge when it comes.

Anyway, just letting everyone know everything went as well as it could, and I did not forgive him. He apologized about three times without grovelling, but we will see by next week what's going to happen. My children ("our" children, yes, but I am needing this bit of control now) will be fine whatever my decision will be made, and rest assured that is the only factor in which I will make my decision. When I feel better later I'll have more concrete thoughts but now, I just need to focus from this huge fallout.

Thanks to all, and I'll be in touch throughout the week.

OH, one more thing: My friend had done another scan of the data, at least the next file. The chats were not actual chats, but message headers for passsing messages like internal email. She told me that there were a lot of headers but the chat data my be forthcoming from subsequent data releases. Not sure this helps anyone else, but when I come back hopefully I'll have more information.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 7322700
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Lovedyoumore ( member #35593) posted at 2:36 AM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2015

We all have our own stories. Yours makes me very angry right now because of the senselessness.

One question I would have for any of the AM cheats: Using AM improved your life, how?

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

posts: 3626   ·   registered: May. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Southern, bless your heart
id 7322795
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 2:36 AM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2015

DM.. follow your plan.. go away.. reflect and grieve, privately away from it all.. and then.. come to a decision.

he may be correctable, but only on YOUR terms.

try to keep the family intact if he's remorseful. he was probably just trying to find easy "no strings attached sex"... oh, by the way.. there is no such thing as "no strings attached sex"... we are ALL permanently changed from every intimate interaction, for life.

go away DM, think, and return. and please, come back to us, we care about you and your darling children.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 1009   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 7322796
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atreides ( member #44180) posted at 3:59 AM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2015

about message headers and the costs.

AM can be free, yes a male can sign up and look around.

However they cannot send messages.

A lot of men started using female profiles and females using male profiles.

Reasons for men, free PM's with contact info and pic

Females using male accounts eliminated the full inboxes and deluge of vulgar photos.

Many AM users figured out to take the communication off AM very quickly whether they were a female or male using a male account.

Most of the data is useless, it goes by id and IP. AM has preformed messaging and gifts and other items that can be purchased or pre-formatted. So you will sift through header info and IDs to find what your spouse stated and at that it may be pre-formatted.

Emails are good and have the ID.

The real meat is the credit card transactions. The only issue is you need to know the date. As the file is broken down by day which means you have to search through thousands of files unless you can narrow down the range in time of when they might have made a purchase and simply to a text name search in that file.

posts: 389   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2014
id 7322843
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gahurts ( member #33699) posted at 4:45 AM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2015

DM,

I've been reading your story since you first posted. First of all let me say that I am very sorry that you are here. This is the best club you never wanted to join. You will get a lot of advice and support here. I suggest you consider it all as you make your decisions. I am really impressed with how well you seem to have yourself together. I know this is hard and I think you have been very strong through it.

One thought my FI and I had was to please talk to an attorney BEFORE you leave the country. Is there any potential that he could spin your leaving into you abandoning the kids? Remember, he cannot be trusted. Make sure you cover your bases legally so that he cannot steal those babies from you.

During JFO is when both WSs and BSs can be at their craziest. You need to protect yourself against him doing something both unexpected and uncharacteristic.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

posts: 3991   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2011   ·   location: Georgia
id 7322877
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unloved22 ( member #49157) posted at 5:24 AM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2015

I really wish I could get some solid information. I can't confront someone like my husband with only my suspitions. His favorite thing to do id call me crazy and say I am being ridiculous. Glad your talk went well as can be expected and I hope you can find your way on the trip.

1st WH D-day after divorce (physical abuse caused divorce)
One child together (Elementary Age)
1st WH married his EA/PA
Married to 2nd husband with recent suspicions and triggering behavior.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015
id 7322912
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nomoreblueskies ( member #41574) posted at 3:40 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2015

DM - I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position. You've shown a tremendous amount of courage so far and I hope your time away helps you to figure things out.

One thought my FI and I had was to please talk to an attorney BEFORE you leave the country. Is there any potential that he could spin your leaving into you abandoning the kids? Remember, he cannot be trusted. Make sure you cover your bases legally so that he cannot steal those babies from you.

I second this advice from GAhurts. Please make sure that you are legally protected before you go. I would also make sure that you have removed any important papers and personal items from the house and stored them elsewhere. Open a new bank account in your name only and deposit half of any existing funds. If you can, start compiling a list of all your joint assets whilst you have easy access to the paperwork in your home.

It's really early days and you don't know which way the wind is going to blow yet. You're doing a great job at remaining strong but you also have to make sure you are protected.

[This message edited by nomoreblueskies at 9:41 AM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

It's life, Jim, but not as we know it

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2013   ·   location: uk
id 7323139
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gahurts ( member #33699) posted at 5:34 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2015

Hey DM, I just want to bump this up and see if you are OK.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

posts: 3991   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2011   ·   location: Georgia
id 7326240
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brkn_heartd ( member #30396) posted at 3:18 AM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2015

DM,

Just reading your thread. You are a strong woman. Keep with your plan. Sending you support while you navigate the week.

Me-57 BS
Him 65-WS
Married 38 yrs, together 40
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

posts: 2122   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2010   ·   location: Northwesten US
id 7326847
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paul75 ( new member #49358) posted at 2:03 PM on Friday, August 28th, 2015

INAPPROPRIATE

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:50 AM, August 28th (Friday)]

posts: 4   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2015
id 7329545
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