Anyone successful R from 9yr (+/-) LTA?
I posted on another forum and someone suggested I head here (but honestly find it difficult to weed through 126 pgs of thread on all topics related to LTAs).
Long story (aren't they all?) but 8 weeks out from DDay of an 9+yr LTA with a former girlfriend my WH kept secret from me for our entire 27yr relationship (23yrs married). Was non-sex "lunch" for 17 years, then turned PA in 2008 (while we were on vacation in her city - I'm with kids an hour away while he's at a conference).
Because she lived in another state, had sex every 6-24 months when she'd come to town (My sister lives- and our son attended college - in city where OW lives, but WH denies any other contact with OW in her city despite SEVERAL trips there over past 20 yrs).
2017, she moves to our city. Last sex was fall, when he says he'd decided to stop the PA... but then he seems to pursue her, more (he says non-sex lunch), then some argument.
Jan 2018 OW texts me and tells me they had PA while WH & I dated, after married, while conceiving DD, and he's tried to sleep with her for last 20 years and she's refused. I confront WH and learn OW was lying about timeline - PA began 2008. When WH confronted her (without me present), she said she told me about affair bc she was pissed at him over some argument they had (not even about the A). There's more to that I'm sure, but will probably never really know what set her off.
Bottom line - she's an old girlfriend he dated in late 70s/early 80s but maintained a "friendship" with ever since. I THOUGHT he'd told me about all past loves (many of whom were invited to our wedding) but he conveniently kept this one secret for TWENTY SEVEN YEARS!
WH wants to R. I'm not so sure.
This is NOT his first transgression.
He cheated on me when we were engaged. Alcohol driven fight, he split and went to a massage parlor where he got a BJ I found the receipt, confronted, forgave. Sweated it a bit when first married. By 10-yr mark, I had some suspicions about a COW, confronted (he denied), and moved on. I have not had even the slightest suspicion about him for at least a decade - not even a tremble - EVER. So this came as a total shock (silly me for thinking a marriage would hit a point of solid mass that it wasn't in the field of sight).
He also cheated on prior lovers (he was mid 30s when we met had a couple of "serious" relationships, none lasting more than 4 years, never lived with anyone).
Since DDay, he's said he's looked back and ALL of his relationships have involved infidelity - either his or his [then]partner's. I've never so much as looked at another man (in fact, I've been "hit on" several times in last 5 years, and ALWAYS called him immediately - because [again, silly me], I would feel guilty if another man kissed me!!!!)
WH says he wants R that it was NEVER going to be anything he'd leave me for (now thinks its conflict avoidance, but he's not the most self enlightened soul, so I'm gonna give it time for him to jump to the next explanation - suspect there will be several). But I'm not sure I want to R. I think I will ultimately be able to forgive (at least it's not totally ruled out), but ....
1. I don't respect him - don't see being married to someone I cannot respect
2. I just cannot see getting over how someone can lie and cheat and deceive for such a long time. It's just so inconceivable to me. I can better imagine why a person murders their own child than I can even try to imagine how someone does something like this.
3. I am a very strong woman working in a man's world. My nickname is "badass" (literally). I feel the A is sabotage of my success and strengths - and that I'm forced to choose between my marriage and my identity (and if it's me vs it, I kind of think I prefer me). Don't get me wrong - he's not a slouch and has been successful, is the primary breadwinner, etc - he does wear the pants in the family.
4. He continued A even after our daughter was (a) institutionalized for some hefty mental health issues (ADHD, self harm, depression) (b) raped the 1st time (c) raped the 2nd time (d) institutionalized a 2nd time (now with addition of PTSD from sexual assaults), and doesn't seem to "get" that he didn't just cheat on me - he cheated on our family. In fact, if we do D, I have concerns that I would have to lie about the reason, as I am not sure that her fragile mental state could survive knowing her hero/daddy has been a decade-long cheater.
5. He was in therapy early in our marriage (FOO issues), and then again about 3-4 years ago when forced by some problems at work (not sexual - or so he says I now worry that may have been a lie too)... how can someone see a therapist and not feel a PA is something to talk about????
6. I have SERIOUS concerns about my financial future. I'm well educated, but working a job that pays <25% of his income the job ends in 2 yrs and my financial future is uncertain even if we R.
7. At my age, I recognize the odds are not good that I will find another life "partner". But I'm not sure I want to be a "partner" who was willing to commit a fraud for the entire partnership.
we are in MC it took him a month after Dday, but he is in IC (tho it honestly feels like another place where he can go and tell secrets)
This week has been a pretty good one (last Thurs I cried more in one day than I probably had in the last decade I think the forums are helpful to combat the obsessive thoughts, triggers, and fantasies about telling every friend the OW has on FB about what a gem of a person she is.... did I mention her significant other throughout this time is ALSO married? Or that she and my husband had sex 6-12 months after they broke up in the 80s and as she was leaving she mentioned she had gotten married in the interim [another little tidbit he failed to mention during our 27yrs together]) I don't know why it feels helpful to write out the story, but it does.
Anyone have experience with this type of intermittent, but LONG LTA?
he's doing the best he can with the apologies, but it's like pulling teeth to get facts about A from him - it is getting better, but talk about slow/tedious/exhausting!
He's always been a good husband to me - he cooks/household stuff, likes romance, is reasonably attentive, etc. I just don't see how that makes up for such deceit/betrayal for such a LONG LONG LONG time.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:20 PM, August 30th, 2019 (Friday)]