I have been lurking here for several months now and have been reading every post I can, but I have not been commenting. I just felt that I had no right to bring an opinion to bear unless I have shared my particular experience. I will try to be as brief as possible.
My life has been paradoxical in it’s facets since I can remember. I was cursed to attend a school which could be described as not on the wrong side of the tracks, but not quite on the right side either. It would suffice to say that I had very little in common with my piers. I did not play rugby and in my school that was sufficient to get you labelled as being gay and made it open season on you for every bully. I actually dreaded going to school and came home bloodied on many a day. I thus grew up pretty much a loner and save for a couple of people Never related to any of my piers.
On the other hand, I started flying aircraft at a very young age. I was all of 14 the first time I took of and landed a plane without hands on assistance. This brought me into contact with older people and moving in their circles as a kind of pier (I had their knowledge, but not their maturity). I never quite fit in anywhere in my formative years and to top this all off (and this brings me to how infidelity has impacted my life) my first serious girlfriend in university died, she was on life support after a motorcycle accident, declared brain-dead when I was informed. The tragedy was two-fold for me. My girl-friend (with whom getting engaged was discussed seriously) was about to taken off life-support, but the event that put her there had already taken her from me. She had been cheating on me with her ex and was on the way back from a party (where I later found out they had very publicly engaged in sexual acts) and she told me she had family matters to attend to when the accident occurred. This was my first brush with infidelity, but not my last by a long shot.
Moving forward a couple of years. I had completed my military service and dated a couple of women, nothing serious when I ran into another women I used to know in university. Ours was a whirl-wind romance and not even a year later we were married. I flew through a couple of promotions and was soon earning a huge salary in the IT industry. In 1995 we bought a huge house and tried to settle down, but her issues surface almost from the word go. She had borderline personality disorder and a huge problem with temper control. One night after being unsuccessful at dodging a huge glass flying ashtray and having my face turned to a bloody mess, I decided to put some space between us for a while. I took a contract in another city just to see if things can cool off. I have to state that even-though she constantly hit me and threw things at me I was very restrained and never got physical with her. After a couple of months apart, I visited my own home and that night in bed, she had new moves. She wanted things I didn’t even know existed and she definitely didn’t know about before. I was suspicious and my suspicions were soon confirmed. She had taken up with a lawyer from her place of employment. Well, that was that for me. I filed and after a particularly nasty divorce, took up my mantle as bachelor. We luckily did not have any children. That was my second brush with infidelity and also my second serious relationship.
Not long after and perhaps too soon I literally ran into the next woman in this sordid tale. She was a doctor at the local hospital. We didn’t get married, but soon moved in together. About a year after, she announced that she was pregnant. This was in 2000. I was for a brief moment, the happiest man on the face of the Earth and by brief, I mean all of 5 seconds. With her next breath she announced that she was getting an abortion. After we split up, because I could not be with someone who would kill my child, it came to me via mutual friends that she had to have the abortion because she wasn’t even sure if the child would have been the same race as we were. My third serious relationship and again it was broken by infidelity.
For years after that I figured that I didn’t fit in anywhere as I had felt during my formative years, I felt like a complete social failure because every woman I have ever wanted to start a family with had cheated on me and discarded me like just so much trash.
Which brings me to what brought me to this site. Years later, I met a woman and in my early 40s I became a father for the first time and just past my mid 40s again. I am now 50. I sensed something had been off with my wife for a while. I eventually cornered her without proof and she confessed to an EA with someone she had only met fleetingly. I am in IT and I was able to uncover all communications, deleted and existing. I have verified it never went to a PA and had ended last year in March, but it was a betrayal none the less. Let’s just say my trust levels are at zero. I verify everything. We are reconciling, but if I get as much as a whiff of any further betrayal, I would walk. I have started over so many times in my life that one more time would almost be the norm for me, save for the fact that we have children.
It has been my experience that all the women I have invested my heart into my entire life, despite me being a good provider and eventually in-spite of having been bullied at school, a military veteran who no-one would really like to bully or cross any more (not a push-over), has cheated on me, also despite the fact that they all knew a PA is an immediate deal-breaker and an EA is so close to the line as to leave skid-marks.
I guess my only questions are:
Am I just the guy women think they can walk over (beta-male) even-though I really am not?
Do women think so little of men these days that cheating is almost a given?
Either way, I guess I just have to accept the reality of where I am. (Quick Edit for grammar, apologies)
Thank you all, this was more of a life rant and vent, not so much aimed at soliciting advice, but introducing you to where I come from should I ever comment here. You have already helped me by simply sharing your stories, thank you all.
[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 11:45 AM, July 17th (Friday)]