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PurpleHaze (original poster member #63505) posted at 9:20 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021
It has been years since I posted but I do often read here. My experience was a very long term affair, 17 years with an ex girlfriend who was also married. I found out on July 24th, 2017. It took over a year if not longer to get the truth or what I will ever get of it. What I can say is I became extremely sick after dday. I threw up constantly, shook like crazy and my blood pressure was high. I was so out of it as I worked in the medical field my entire life and literally did not find it odd that my doctor had me come in weekly. From there I had an organ issue and other health problems as well as extreme weight loss. I stopped shaking after about 7 months and was very sick for about another year. I started therapy, yoga, healthy eating and just taking care of myself. It still took about 3 years for me to gain weight and start to be some part of myself again. Then, I had other stressful things that just threw me completely. It has now been 4 years and while I am still married, I can honestly say it is so much work. I still have PTSD, nightmares and suffer at times incredibly. I realize my husbands affair lasted so long that I think it is normal for me to still have issues regarding it and still have a lot of pain. He has become a better man and better person but I think years of gaslighting, cruelty and just not caring really made a huge impact on me that I didn't understand until I found out he had cheated for years. For so long I blamed myself. He worked out of town often which made cheating easy even though I would stay with him as often as I could. If I could go back in time, I would have walked away. Reconciliation does work for so many people and they are able to reconnect which I think is great. My husband now treats me very well but the pain he caused will always be there I think. Maybe it is all the years, maybe it is that I just cannot accept that it was an ex, maybe it is just what it is. I will stay with him because financially I don't have much of a choice. I do love him but I love the man I thought he was. I thought he was honest, fidelity mattered to him as much as to me, that he was my best friend. None of that is true to me and I feel I have lost 2 decades of my life and that is painful. I have lost friends for staying but they really were not friends or they would support me and understand why I am still with him. That too has been hard. I use to think I was so lucky to have a him as my husband. Now I feel he is beyond lucky to have me as his wife. I have learned to feel happiness that isn't attached to him. He now tells me I am wonderful, beautiful, caring, etc. but it really doesn't mean much anymore. I would have loved that in the first 20 years of our marriage. I am writing this to say to those of you on the fence that can leave just go. Do it, don't hesitate for a minute. If your spouse has truly worked on themselves and has become a better person then if it makes you happy, stay and try to work it out. Don't stay if you suffer or cannot get past the pain and have an option to leave. Stay if you truly believe you can find happiness and joy together.
Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 11:33 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021
If I could go back in time, I would have walked away.
I am writing this to say to those of you on the fence that can leave just go. Do it, don't hesitate for a minute. If your spouse has truly worked on themselves and has become a better person then if it makes you happy, stay and try to work it out. Don't stay if you suffer or cannot get past the pain and have an option to leave. Stay if you truly believe you can find happiness and joy together.
You are always allowed to change your mind. Will you give the same advice in another four years? Honest question here. You can't go back in time, but you can look forward. You can, and should critically read and take your own advice.
Do you see happiness and joy in your future?
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 11:42 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021
Make a plan to leave. You are still alive. Your story isn't over.
Editing to add - I am not judging you and I am sorry you have lost friends for staying. That sucks and none of this is your fault. Can you come up with a plan to go? You deserve to be happy.
[This message edited by stubbornft at 5:43 PM, May 21st (Friday)]
Me: BS 40 Him: WS 51 He cheated with massage parlor sex workersDday 01/19/2021
Kicked him out in 2021 - life is better on the other side. Moved on with the help of a wonderful therapist.
psychmom ( member #47498) posted at 4:23 AM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021
Now I feel he is beyond lucky to have me as his wife.
You’ve got this right, PurpleHaze!
Do you feel stuck with him now? What keeps you from simply picking up and moving on with your life? My H cheated with 3 AP over a 3 year period, and that’s been hard to wrap my head around. 17 years with the same AP is almost like a second marriage. It’s not hard to understand how you struggled as you did after Dday.
What made you choose to stay? Do you believe the M is good enough today to make up for what he’s put you through? I know a lot of factors go into our decision to R or not. But you sounds defeated and unhappy with your choice. Is the financial benefits of staying worth it?
BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
ISurvivedSoFar ( member #56915) posted at 11:51 AM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021
Good to see you here PurpleHaze but I'm sorry your circumstances aren't better. I encourage you to do what is good for you; what is right for you; what will bring you ultimate peace and happiness.
I will stay with him because financially I don't have much of a choice.
Can you explore this? Can you see if there is an organization in your town that assists folks who are in your situation? Would this be an option for you? You deserve to be free and relieved of the pain this caused you.
I do love him but I love the man I thought he was.
What about the man that he is now? Because the man you thought he was isn't real. Do you love this man? The one who is flawed and reforming? Is that possible?
And your advice is spot on.
Don't stay if you suffer or cannot get past the pain and have an option to leave.
Can you get past the pain? If not, can you work on options that allow you the freedom from pain you seek?
DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.
gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 4:19 PM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021
Hey Purple - just want to say I hear you, I understand. As you know, my WH's PA was "only" for a decade or so (and that's assuming I believe my WH, which is iffy at best), but the EA/"secret friend" aspect was more than 20 years - starting while we lived together and before M (and also with an old GF).
When the BS is older, facing physical health issues, and suffering from DECADES' long gaslighting and disreality, filing for D ain't that easy (and whether there's been infidelity or not, it's a heckuva lot less expensive for two to live together than separately). We do the best we can with the hand we've been dealt.
I have learned to feel happiness that isn't attached to him
I am soooo happy for you on this front. Working to build a new/different life outside of the M is hard after a long M, so I'm thrilled you are working on you and finding your own happiness. Keep it up - you never know if/when your financial situation may change.
M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived
It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies
PurpleHaze (original poster member #63505) posted at 10:04 PM on Monday, May 24th, 2021
I wrote this I thought in response to another thread and did not mean to start one. I do see happiness in my future but am unsure of what that will be. I stayed because of finances and because I was so sick originally. My H has been in therapy and is a much better person and treats me well now. I was responding to a person trying to decide whether to leave or stay and my point was that if you see no improvement or a chance to be happy, leave. If your spouse is working hard and being a better person, in therapy, and treating you well it could be worth a second chance. I no longer look towards my H for my happiness, I look inside myself and work very hard at it. Currently health and finances are a part of why I stay. My H has worked very hard on himself and I am glad for him. He has become a better person on his own, treats me with respect and kindness. I will never feel what I use to and that is ok, it is part of what happens when someone cheats, I don't think things ever become what they once were. He isn't perfect at all but neither am I. I am learning to love the man he is today. It is a process. I have no idea how I will feel in 4 years. I do have a plan to leave in the next 2 years if I am unhappy. I already have part of that in place.
Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!
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