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Wayward Side :
Road to healing

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 redpill (original poster new member #79401) posted at 1:13 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

It has been 2 weeks since DDay. BS left our home for a bit but has agreed to come back home. I still see in her eyes all the pain, anger and everything in between. She doesn't speak to me nor look at me in the eyes anymore. I told her I will take everything that she will give me in exchange for nothing, I promised to her and myself that this will be first in the last time.

I am committed to do everything in my power not just to fix this, but also fixing myself in the process so that nothing like this will ever happen again. I have booked an individial session of counselling to help better understand myself and repent for what I have done. But I also need help to make her daily life bearable for her because she can't be in the same room with my anymore. I sincerely apologize to her daily without pushing her too much. Is there anything I can do to improve her daily life? Even the smallest gestures i'm willing to do and is it okay if I kept some distance for now? Because while i'm in the house, all she does is stay inside the room and I want her to be able to move freely while she's home. Right now she doesn't want to tell anyone about what happened and I am the last person she wants to talk to.

[This message edited by redpill at 8:14 AM, Wednesday, September 15th]

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2021
id 8688552
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 3:24 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Keep doing what you are doing. All the work and asking for nothing from her at this time. She has to make her own decisions and if that ends up not wanting to reconcile so be it. But you will at least be able to say that you gave it your all! Speaking as a BS her world and everything she knew has been ripped out away from her in the most vicious way. There's nothing you can do to take it back but there are a lot of things you can do to help her get through it. And that's keep working on yourself and being the spouse she deserves. Figuring out why you did what you did. Really digging deep into that. Figuring out what's messed up inside of you.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 141   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8688553
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 redpill (original poster new member #79401) posted at 4:43 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Thank you for your words of encouragement Felix!

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2021
id 8688561
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 12:19 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

But I also need help to make her daily life bearable for her because she can't be in the same room with my anymore.

Very gently - you can't. Her daily life won't be bearable for quite some time. And even then just barely bearable. I don't say this to be cruel or kick you while down - but I do need you to have realistic expectations.

Now - she came home. After time apart she came home. Let that sink in. That was HUGE. She may be a train wreck - but she came home. To you. Hard as it was, she did it. That was no small feat. When you feel down remember that.

Felix is right. You can't fix it. You can help her get through it. It won't be easy. Especially when the rage floods and is hurled at you [and it will]. You can start with being honest. Start with being honest with yourself. That will be the hardest. Being honest with yourself. Truth hurts, lies devastate and the unknown is torture. Be honest. Be transparent. Be present. Be willing to answer the same questions over and over and over and over. Be calm. Be truthful. Be loving. Be authentic. Be humble. But do it with honesty.

As a BS - one with PTSD from a LTA with multiple DDays - and a recent Cease and Desist order against LTAP - I can tell you while the road is long and hard it is a worthwhile journey. I can tell you that WH tried and tries still many things I reject. I don't want them and/or I'm not ready for them (even now). BUT I remember the try. I remember him asking. I remember him doing.

Good for you for booking that IC appointment. Make sure you keep it. Bare your soul there. Dig deep.

One step at a time.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8688587
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 redpill (original poster new member #79401) posted at 1:30 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Thank you chaos. I know that right now, all I can do is be present and loving to her despite the lack of reaction or a very bad one. I have taken all her insults and anger while staying strong. Right now i'm just waiting for her to process all this and just be present for her.

One thing I can't figure out now is that should I give her some space? As i've said, she can't be in the same room as me nor look at me. But i try my very best to check up on her once in a while.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2021
id 8688591
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FairyTaleGone ( member #79059) posted at 2:13 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

One thing I can't figure out now is that should I give her some space? As i've said, she can't be in the same room as me nor look at me. But i try my very best to check up on her once in a while.

As a BS myself, I really appreciate that you are thinking about this. She may not know what she wants, honestly. I know I didn't. At first I didn't really want to be around him (in the same room) but I wanted him home so I knew where he was. It made me feel safe.

Have you asked her what she wants in that regard? Maybe she feels more comfortable in her room, alone, while knowing you are there. Or maybe she would like you to be in the same room but not talk, or she could want more interaction, but not know how to express that. The only way you will know for sure is to ask her. If she can't even look at you, maybe you could send a text.

I would have appreciated my WH coming to me like this "FTG, I know you are trying to absorb the sh*t storm that I created, but I truly want to help you in any way I can. I don't know what you need from me right now regarding space. i want to support you as much as possible, but only in ways you are comfortable."

Also be sure to sprinkle in apologies...lots of heartfelt, truly remorseful apologies

Good luck! I am rooting for you!

DDay 1 - 2/19/21 (found out about EA)
DDay 2 - 5/22/21 (TT found burner phone)
DDay 3 - 6/9/21 (TT found out about PA)

EA/PA ended 3/22/21 -WH went NC
Working on R
13yr old DD at home - unfortunately knows way too much

posts: 60   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2021
id 8688596
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 redpill (original poster new member #79401) posted at 2:20 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

@FairyTaleGone damn, i've been bustin my brain trying to figure this one out and I think you just gave me the perfect answer! I'll be sure to do that once I find the right timing. Thank you!

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2021
id 8688597
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FairyTaleGone ( member #79059) posted at 3:13 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

You're welcome redpill! I know I am much more open with WH when he owns what he did, apologizes, and shows me that he is willing to do whatever I need in that moment. Also, don't be surprised if what she wants today isn't what she wants tomorrow.

DDay 1 - 2/19/21 (found out about EA)
DDay 2 - 5/22/21 (TT found burner phone)
DDay 3 - 6/9/21 (TT found out about PA)

EA/PA ended 3/22/21 -WH went NC
Working on R
13yr old DD at home - unfortunately knows way too much

posts: 60   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2021
id 8688604
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 5:01 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

It is huge that she is considering opening herself up to trying. Take nothing for granted. Here are things that helped me from my WS (he did EVERYTHING wrong in the beginning – try your best to be really on top of this stuff because there is so much more damage created when a WS behaves poorly during this very painful time):

Validate her pain "Of course you are devastated/angry/scared – this isn’t fair and it is so much to take in"
Accept responsibility "I did this to us and I am so sorry, I will do whatever it takes to earn back your heart"
Reassure her "I am not going anywhere. I know what I want. I am horrified at what I did to us, I love you and want to help you heal"

Of course her healing is for her to work on but you can certainly be key in helping her during this time or creating more pain.

I wouldn’t give her space unless she asks for it. Be strong for her. She has so much to worry about right now. Try and never be defensive.

Our MC told my WS to "put up a shield" when I was upset or angry. He said "she has to get it out, let her get it out, she is right to be sad, to be mad, to be scared".

One of the worst parts of this for me is the fear I feel inside of my body now. I was never a person that felt fear much in my life. Now it is a constant nagging feeling inside my chest. I am in IC and it will get better but it is a horrible, horrible feeling. Read from BSs here to try and understand what your wife is experiencing. And communicate with her. Check in with her and bring it up if she seems upset. If she is quiet and withdrawn ask her if she needs to talk. If she doesn’t want to then respect that, but asking if she wants to talk or if she is needing something goes a long way.

Also - stay in therapy. And when you get back from your sessions share with her what work you are doing on yourself to become a safe partner again. SAFE is the key at least in my experience.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 814   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8688610
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 5:22 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Also - let her ask the same questions over and over again and answer them patiently and honestly. She is trying to wrap her brain around a trauma and she may seem like she is losing her mind. She probably feels like she is. Her brain wants to sort this all out and try and understand. You behaved in a way that she doesn't understand and she may be trying to sort it out and soothe her traumatized brain.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 814   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8688612
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 5:52 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Just a few quick things:

I sincerely apologize to her daily


Just be aware that words are meaningless to your spouse right now. You also promised to love her and be faithful until death do you part, but those words didn't mean much either, so apologies mean even less. What matters are actions. What you do means much more than what you say. During the affair, your put your own needs ahead of hers, to her detriment. Now she needs to see you sacrificing for her. She needs to know, through actions, that she matters to you. Because your prior actions sent the clear message she does not. (I'm not saying to not apologize, but see it as sprinkles on the ice cream cone, not the cone itself)

But I also need help to make her daily life bearable


As others have said, you can't. Infidelity is trauma, straight up, no less so than a death or a violent accident. If you could afford to hire every therapist in the world, it wouldn't help, because she has to heal at her pace, and in her own way. The very best thing you can do to help her, is to not make things worse for her. No TT, don't get defensive, don't "overtry" to make things better. Be aware that simply wanting her to not hurt... which I'm sure sounds and probably feels very empathic right now... is really more about you wanting HER to feel better so that YOU can feel better. Do you understand what I'm saying there? She might need to feel bad for a while, to go through this pain so she can deal with it, learn from it, understand it, grow from it. So don't put pressure on her to feel better, that might feel like more about what YOU want to her, and that will only lead to more resentment from her. Instead, work on yourself. Go to IC. Go to support groups. Figure out what it is about YOU that ended up with you having an affair. If you can fix the part of you that allowed the affair to happen in the first place, that allowed you to betray her, lie to her, to ignore her well being... fix that, and you will at least be a safer person for her to be around. Right now, she avoids you because you are massively unsafe to her.

is it okay if I kept some distance for now? Because while i'm in the house, all she does is stay inside the room and I want her to be able to move freely while she's home.


Sounds like a good way to put her first, and sacrifice your own comfort for hers. Why is she the locked up prisoner and you are the free one? Why not stay out of her way and give her run of the house? This is good thinking on your part, keep it up. She might want you to stay home because frankly, at least she's knows where you are what you are doing that way. But give her that choice. Maybe even getting out of the house for a week or two will give her some space and time. This is a lot to process.

Some of the things my wife asked me for (which I wish I had been smart enough and not selfish enough to offer on my own in the first place) were:
* Seperating the bank accounts
* Signing a post-nup giving her the lion's share of the assets if we divorced (we lived in a 50/50 state)
* Removing me from her 401K and insurance payouts

Basically, she had already been screwed over enough already by me, and wanted to know she was "safe" from being taken advantage of in other ways. This removed a lot of doubt from her mind in regard to her own safety, at least financially. These are things you can also discuss with her. Our spouses need to see remorse moreso than regret. The need sacrifice more than shame. They need to see that we "get" what we just did to them one some basic level. And they need to see us turning our worlds upside down in order to "make things right" in whatever way we can, in the same way we turned their worlds upside down and made ruined everything.

Last thing - infidelity is often a deal breaker. You could become the world's most perfect person moving forward, it might not make a bit of difference. Glom on to that concept right now, and make sure to tell yourself that it is 100% okay if she leaves. Not for you maybe, but for her. It will help both of you if you can accept that now, and doing so will help you to remain less defensive and less manipulating (even if you aren't aware of it). Most WS's want our spouses back so badly that we often forget that we're simply imposing our own wills on the relationship again. Everything is changed now. It just is.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1164   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017   ·   location: Marblehead, MA
id 8688615
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 8:09 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

* Seperating the bank accounts
* Removing me from her 401K and insurance payouts

We did this, too. I am still on his accounts but I have my own accounts that he is not on. And I changed my 401k & insurance to my sister, because I didn't want to chance him not taking care of my kids if something happened to me.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 814   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8688639
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 9:08 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

You have received good advice, especially from Daddydom. Please read it (and come back and re-read it weeks and months from now when you have a little more perspective).

It has been mentioned several different ways but I just wanted to highlight the fact that the best thing you can do right now, the kindest thing you can do, is be honest with her. Your wife is traumatized and is trying to get a handle on which way is up. If you're anything like most WS here (and trust us, you probably are), you are likely still holding onto some information that is particularly hurtful or embarrassing or that you think might be a dealbreaker. You might feel like you are doing your BS a favour by holding this back ("she is already hurting so much and this would destroy her....") but this is a lie. She deserves to know the whole truth. She will not be able to heal until she does. This stuff has a way of coming out eventually and I promise you it is infinitely more painful and likely to destroy any chance of R if it comes out later and she finds out that you are still lying to her.

Lots of WS come here looking for quick fixes. Please know, there are none. It is honesty and consistency and hard work over time.

I hope you continue to post. I would also encourage you to begin IC (individual counselling) to figure out why you gave yourself permission to do this.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 5 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Currently 4 years (and two kids) into R and optimistic.

posts: 636   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8688648
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 redpill (original poster new member #79401) posted at 1:20 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Thank you for everyone's input and support. Just for additional details I had sex with the OW twice and decided to cut off all communications with her afterwards. OW is married as well and the A lasted only a month. I couldn't do it anymore, I thought that's what I wanted but I was so wrong. Now on DDay, I let everything out already to BS and no TT, so a huge load was lifted off my chest from then on. You guys are right that she keeps asking the same question over and over again about my A but now I get to answer her with a straight face and with nothing to hide anymore. And yes I'm taking things one step at a time now, whenever I try something, it feels like a step back but I just want her to vent all the negative feelings that she's having towards me so she can start to process what I have done to her. I have accepted now that ultimately she will process all of these on her own pace. I told her that no matter what happens, no matter what she says to me, I can only be there to support her and be strong for the both of us.

Would it also be a good idea to share may progress with my IC? I am actually starting today.

[This message edited by redpill at 1:38 AM, Thursday, September 16th]

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2021
id 8688685
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 1:11 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

redpill

read DaddyDom post again - and maybe everyday till you have what he recommends you do memorized..


- couldn't say it better if I was "good with words"


keep in mind his last paragraph - - what you have done to her may be the undoing of your marriage - only time will tell


Some people can learn to live with the WS - others - not so much - their stories are sprinkled throughout this web sites pages.

Not Just Friends

posts: 558   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8688737
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 redpill (original poster new member #79401) posted at 2:25 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Hello again everyone

Lots of WS come here looking for quick fixes.

I know the gravity of my actions and I deeply regret it and willing to put in the work. I understand that she may or may not forgive me and it will take more than hard work and honesty to fix this but my first goal right now is to let her process everything now while trying to make her daily life bearable with me. My IC told me that she wants to focus on all the why's of my actions first and help me reflect on what led to the A. She also hopes to meet with BS one on one before we can talk as a group. She has no interest right now to do so but I hope that in a few days, she's calm enough to seek councel even by herself.
I have finished reading "How to heal your spouse from your affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. It's a quick read but I find it helpful on the next steps I should take

Also thank you DaddyDom for your insightful words and I agree with everything that you have said.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2021
id 8688890
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Moderator #29447) posted at 11:53 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Welcome to SI.

You have received a lot of great advice. I also wanted to recommend the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. McDonald. It’s a short easy read with some really great strategies. Also, I recommend putting together a timeline in writing of the events of your affair.

Getting to whys is a very important step to healing. Right now you will be juggling a lot of balls in the air…figuring out why you had an affair, helping your wife, and trying to manage your careers with the trauma.

Keep in mind there is no quick fix. Healing from infidelity is a long and difficult road that can take at least 2-5 years. Be prepared for a rollercoaster.

Keep coming back when you have questions!

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 14337   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8688921
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MrsWalloped ( member #62313) posted at 2:23 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Hi redpill.

As other have said, you've gotten a lot of good advice. I know I'm being nitpicky with words, but this bothered me.

OW is married as well and the A lasted only a month.


There is no "only." Please never use that word with your BW. Trust me on this. Never minimize or downplay what you did. Your BW will pick up on that immediately.

Expect her to ask you about your A and the OW over and over again.

Things you can do:
Write out a timeline and share it with your BW. Don't hold back. Start from when you first met the OW, not just the start of the A. Who was she? A friend, neighbor, coworker? Have you established No Contact? Are there any ways you might interact with her again? Have you blocked her number off your phone? Have you given your BW access to all your devices and passwords?

Have you or your BW told OW's husband? If not, why not?

About words. Yes, they're pretty much meaningless, but I think you should still say them. Give your BW space, but it's okay to pop your head in and say "I know it probably doesn't mean anything to you and you have no reason to believe me but I am very very sorry and I love you." And then you leave and do extra things around the house. Do you have children? How long have you been married? Giving her space also means doing things to allow her to have time to process. Do the laundry and cook. Not as a way to get in her good graces, but so that it shouldn't be on her head while she's dealing with this.

Don't share your IC discussions. It's too early. Just let her know you are going and that's it. If she wants to know, she'll ask. And if she doesn't, that's okay too.

I know I'm rambling, but these were just some thoughts that popped into my head.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 703   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8688961
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