SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been roughly 4 weeks since DDay. I've been getting the trickle truth. It all began 2 years ago with an employee of his and a timeline that span over roughly 4 months. I just got him to admit that he told the AP that he loved her and she said it to him. He will only admit to an EA but when he told me that he told her he loved her it confirmed to me what I already knew it was also a PA. Has anyone ever experienced this and actually found out later that it wasn't a PA? Also some of my information that I already knew was confirmed by his former coworker that I called during my investigation. I am thinking about moving towards divorcing but at the same time I want the full disclosure so I can move on with closure. Also I want to reach out to some other former coworkers to get a better picture. Does anyone recommend this? I reached out to the AP on DDay and it went totally wrong. I asked her if she was still sleeping with my husband and she said that she was married and hung up. She has since blocked me and wouldn't answer his call either when I made him call her in front of me. I am still at the finding the truth stage and I want it either way if I stay or leave.

You won’t get all the truth. What you need to do is know what you can live with. Is he remorseful? Does he regret hurting you? Is he is stonewalling? I think it comes down to how he treats you and how you treat him.
I do think you need temp meds for anxiety and sleep.

I am sorry that you were here and suffering from the devastating trauma as the result of your husband‘s affair.

I would strongly suggest that you not contact any additional coworkers. Should you reconcile with your husband, it would be awkward and very uncomfortable for both of you in the future if most of his coworkers were somehow involved.

That being said, I’m going to assume that most of his coworkers will not want to get involved and it could affect his employment as well.

Regarding your question about getting the truth, it is unfortunate that once the affair is uncovered, the cheating spouse chooses not to do the right thing by being honest and providing information.

I would suspect that this has gone beyond being purely an emotional affair. I would suspect that they did at least kiss (on more than one occasion) but I do not want to say with certainty that there was more physical contact between them.

However, whether they never kissed or had a full-blown physical affair, it’s still cheating.

It is up to you to decide whether the affair is a dealbreaker or not. To some people and emotional affair is just as bad as a physical affair and choose to divorce as a result. To others, an emotional affair is something they can reconcile from and they choose to stay together. Only you can decide whether you believe you can reconcile with your husband.

It might be wise to not make any major decisions about your marriage at this time. You are in a highly emotional state and may not be able to rationally make decisions that affect your marriage. Don’t be so willing to "forgive and forget" or choose reconciliation at this time.

I would suggest that you obtain your own counselor to help you navigate this traumatic situation. I think it would be very helpful for you to have someone who can guide you and counsel you at this time.

I can share with you that I was very set on divorcing my husband due to his midlife crisis affair. It was my own counselor who helped me to actually consider reconciliation. We are one of the lucky ones who have reconciled and are happy.

But I’m not the same person as I was prior to his affairs and we now have a very different marriage as a result.

I hope this helps you and please continue to post here so we can support you.

Thank you for this! He no longer works with these coworkers. It's so hard and I would like to separate while we figure things out. I did not love or really care for him during that time but now I do. I just keep thinking that I need more answers.

I am going to respectfully disagree with TFW even if they were still coworkers:

I would strongly suggest that you not contact any additional coworkers. Should you reconcile with your husband, it would be awkward and very uncomfortable for both of you in the future if most of his coworkers were somehow involved.

My WH's coworkers all know (my WH's A was a workplace A) - and yeah it HAS been an uncomfortable ride but totally 100% worth it to ME (and really that was all I gave a shit about at the time and rightfully so).

I do agree with Cooley in that you will likely never get 100% of the truth. Staying or leaving really comes down to what you can accept and what you cannot, be that what happened before or what is happening now. A lot of people on this site stayed in self-imposed limbo for a long time looking for clues and answers to things...digging and digging and hoping to find the answers when the reality is that the WS did this because, ultimately, they wanted to. They lied because they wanted to (no one has to lie in these situations - its always a choice). They treated you badly because ultimately they wanted to. I do not buy the "I didn't want to hurt you" excuse - you wanted to do what you did, which you knew would hurt me - so you actively chose to hurt me because you wanted to. That's super f-ed up.

So where do you go now? Can you live with someone who did that and is capable of doing that? I found out that I could - sort of. I think separation to figure out how YOU feel is always a good idea.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:07 PM, Wednesday, May 14th]

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're dealing with infidelity. It sucks. There are some posts pinned at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Additionally, there are some have a bull's eye icon but aren't pinned that are good resources. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful. If you're having trouble with depression or sleeping, you can ask your doctor for some meds to get you through this first horrible phase. You may also want to get tested for STDs/STIs to be on the safe side. There are some nasty diseases out there that can affect your health and possibly turn into cancer.

If your WH (wayward husband) wants to work on the M (marriage), good resources are the books How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

One of the resources in the Healing Library is the 180. You may wish to read it and adjust for your needs. The 180 helps you to get emotional distance in order to look at your situation without all of the emotions at the forefront of your brain. Separation can help with this, too.

You said the AP (affair partner) said she's married. You may wish to inform OBS (the other betrayed spouse) about the situation so they can base their decision on their marriage with the truth, rather than what the AP may have been saying.

Good luck and keep posting.

You could go with a Hail Mary. If he is all about wanting R, and you are undecided. Tell him you want a full complete timeline of the affair. Including all the things they did. Let him know there will be a polygraph based on those answers. Failure to produce the timeline or failure of the polygraph equals divorce.
Their reaction and/or completion of the task will inform you about a lot of things.

Only go this way if you know you won’t back down. Any backtracking lets them know they are in charge of whatever relationship you have going forward. Not a good place to be for a BS.

My H begged to R and I was not interested. He kept begging and pleading for another chance.

To shut him up I told him he had all the chances he wanted but I’m not lifting a finger die this marriage. He had to do all the work alone to get me to change my mind.

And I demanded a post nup to even consider reconciliation, which he willingly signed.

This is a damned if you do, damned if you don’t sort of situation.

First of all – keep in mind that this man probably stood in front of a priest or judge and publicly committed to a marriage with you, and that generally includes a commitment to fidelity. Yet here we are...
So why do you think his words to the AP about love carry weight? As-is we know he says things he doesn’t commit to.

Second – Would you feel any better if he risked his marriage to you for something that had little meaning for him? Like when a wayward spouse tries to minimize an affair by stating that the OP "meant nothing"... For many, that is harmful because they are admitting they risk so much for so little, so shallow.
But then – if he is being truthful in his love for AP then why was he also so quick to end it and try to remain with you.

Basically – what he says carries about as much value as a gold-painted turd. Look at his actions – his behaviors.

Finally: As a manager I can share that ANY manager that risks having an inappropriate relationship with a subordinate is placing his place-of-work at serious risk, as well as his career, his future, his income...

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

My WH had an affair with a co-worker who lived across the country. I discovered some emails that were damning, and even with the truth, he refused to tell me the truth....he told me they were just friends and shared a kiss in the car and the emails were banter that got carried away. Took my WH about a week to admit that he met up with AP at his hotel. Took me a long, long time to get the tidbits of truth, the gaslighting and deflecting were frustrating. WH also told AP he loved her AFTER their encounter.

IMO, even though you will never get the entire truth, you deserve as much of it as you can get. I agree with another poster, ask for a written timeline and throw a polygraph into the mix. IMO if they were in close proximity, 99.9999% positive it was physical.

Once you have gathered evidence, please let the husband of the AP know that she's a snake as her husband, too, deserves to know he is living a lie and should be able to make a decision about his own life with all of the facts presented.

Edited to add: my WH dropped AP on D-Day. Never looked back.

[This message edited by annb at 2:48 PM, Sunday, May 18th]