SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I suppose a bit of background is due here. My current W and I began our relationship while I was still married to my XW, which resulted in our divorce. I am certainly not proud of what we did, and it took being cheated on myself for me to gain any empathy for XW. My current WW, through witnessing my pain and trauma, has come to regret causing hurt to XW as well. They have never met in the whole decade that my CW and I have been together.

XW and I have two children together, the younger of whom is completing her last year of high school and performing in her final school theater performance. The school is doing something special to honor the seniors, and is requiring supporting family members who attend to sit together. My daughter wants myself, my CW, her baby sister, her mother, and her soon-to-be step father to attend, which means XW and CW will be in the vicinity of one another for the first time.

I'm nervous about it, and not sure how the interaction will go, if there will be an interaction at all. XW is not the type of person who lets any kind of injury go, and I did not behave in any way that was conducive to her healing. I don't know whether or how much she healed from my infidelity at all. I know my CW is inclined to issue an apology if there is a reasonable opportunity, but I'm not sure if XW would even be interested in hearing it. It's possible that she'll just sit as far away from CW as the seating arrangement will allow and do her best to ignore her existence.

We're all showing up to support our daughter, and I don't want there to be a scene. What would be the best way to approach this? Just let XW lead and respond as amicably as we can?

If your wife is in any way remorseful for what she's done, she will not put your ex in that position and simply not attend.

If your daughter would be distressed by not having your wife there, then you should talk to the school and ask if it would be possible for the family members to sit separately. I'm sure that they will understand and be sensitive to your circumstances.

If your wife wants to apologize to your ex at some point, then she can choose to reach out to her at a different time and place--preferably one in which your ex can comfortably tell your wife to go fuck herself without making a scene.

edit,add: If you haven't done so already, perhaps you can make the first step toward smoothing out future interactions by apologizing to your wife for cheating on her and being accountable for your own behavior.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:24 PM, Friday, January 30th]

As a mother herself, I think CW is hoping XW can behave like an adult for the sake of our daughter. Knowing XW, I'm not sure how likely that is. She tends to put herself first in most scenarios, though maybe the desire to avoid public embarrassment would trump her rage... It's a risky gamble.

Well.....I don't think your ex wife's healing from your adultery and remarriage to your AP is any of your business and she can be as angry or insulted or meh or whatever she wants to be and that is completely 100% fine. She doesn't have to have any kind of acceptance or positive emotion about you or your current wife at all. Whatever you feel about what you did is what YOU TWO FEEL and it's your stew, not hers. I say this because it sounds like you're going down the "bitter bunny" route and I hate that shit. Like your Ex wife, I also am sometimes....I don't know if unforgiving is the word - I don't want to bother with people I don't trust who have injured me and mine greatly. I don't know how to characterize that. I have people who have hurt me greatly in the past (not about cheating) and if I ran into them again.....I would just keep walking. Not because I hate them but because it's not something I want to be involved with. I don't know if that's how she feels, but I would not assume anything about her or think that she has to feel any way about you or CW.

As for the current situation. I would communicate with her in whatever way you do, I assume you have to communicate in some way about the kids and just say this is how the school wants it - everybody together, and is that something she can do or does she have another suggestion. To me, that opens up the situation in a hopefully non-confrontational way. This is happening, how do you want to handle it. She might say "fine", let's sit together, we'll be civil. That would be my guess, and that's what I would do. If I were your CW I WOULD SAY NOT A GODDAM THING TO HER AT ALL. NOT ONE SYLLABLE. Her guilt is HER guilt. Don't introduce such an unpleasant subject at a special event like this just to lighten her own load. Don't say anything - don't even introduce her - everyone knows who she is. IMO, the best and most likely thing here is minimal interaction, no conversation, civil nods, and go separate ways afterwards. Let's not pretend that great harm was not done here - maybe she's over it, maybe she's not, but I would assume she's not unless she indicates otherwise. You & your CW would be on my permanent NO GO list.

Now your ex may be different, esp now that she's going to re-marry, she may be willing to say hello, etc. She might be wiling to do more. But this is NOT the time for any apologies or statements from CW that would draw attention to a very very unpleasant topic and experience. Don't bring this up. If she ever wants to apologize, she can send a note at some other point going forward and say she's sorry, blah blah and leave it at that, and not expect a response.

The least said here, the better. But I would contact your Ex first because you can coordinate, it take some of the "shock" value out if there is any, and it minimizes unpleasantness and puts the focus on the daughter where it belongs.
Just a side note: It sounds to me like your CW likes to be the center of attention....don't let that happen with your daughters or this situation.

Hmmm....Bluer than Blue is right - the best solution is for your CW to not attend. That would be something that would show the most concern for everyone's feelings esp if she's really apologetic about her adultery with you. It would a kind sacrifice, frankly. I would recommend that.

I say this because it sounds like you're going down the "bitter bunny" route and I hate that shit.

I'm not saying we are entitled to her forgiveness in any way, nor that she ought to feel one way or another. I just don't want her to loudly have it out with CW at the school and embarrass our daughter in front of her peers and their families. If I had to sit in an auditorium with CW's AP to be there for my kid, I'd absolutely be seething the entire time, but I would either control myself for her sake, or leave the school if I felt that I couldn't. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I have to be realistic when I speak about XW's inclinations. I'll shoot her a text about the event and see how she responds, though it may incense her more or result in her absence... We have all done so wrong by our girls in the past, and I just want to do right by them now. They didn't ask for any of this.

It sounds to me like your CW likes to be the center of attention....don't let that happen with your daughters or this situation.

That isn't the case. CW has also expressed worry about the potential interaction and wants to draw minimal attention. If she was going to apologize, it would probably be in response to XW referencing what happened first, and not as a means of lessening her guilt, but because she believes XW deserves an apology. She said she's thought about sending XW a note before, but wasn't sure if that would just be a trigger for her, so just kept silent.

I'm not saying we are entitled to her forgiveness in any way, nor that she ought to feel one way or another. I just don't want her to loudly have it out with CW at the school and embarrass our daughter in front of her peers and their families.

Then I would suggest CW not go. I have plenty more I'd like to say, but I'll just leave it at that.

How old is your daughter?

This sounds like an explosive situation, for your daughter: you both feel no guilt for your betrayal (you are learning perhaps now that yourself have been betrayed, common in relationships between cheaters and AP - you will likely be cheated upon / cheat again, is due to issues you never acknowledged, so obviously unresolved), your ex wife is surely still carrying the scars, seeing you is just reinflicting pain once she finally got rid of infidelity in her life and moved on letting you follow your path.

So your ex will feel pain and anger (your daughter will notice) your CW will feel shame (or gloat, no idea what kind of person she is) and wants forgiveness that will never come (your daughter will notice), you will feel shame, and also unease since you have been finally betrayed yourself (your daughter will notice).

If your daughter is adult enough and processed the trauma enough, maybe she can take it. If she is younger, I would really leave AP/CW aside, understandable she wants her parents present, but their life is messy due to betrayal, not a wise choice to put it on display there.

Knowing XW, I'm not sure how likely that is. She tends to put herself first in most scenarios

If you had any sense of irony or self-awareness, you wouldn't have been able to write that sentence with a straight face.

It's rather unfair and insensitive of you to make it seem like she's being immature and unreasonable if she reacts poorly when stuck in awkward circumstances and the emotionally volatile situations that your choices have created. Perhaps you ought to be less concerned about how she might behave when she sees you and more considerate of how she's feeling right now as she contemplates having to face you and your wife.

As I said before, if you and your wife have any sense of decency or even the slightest twinge of remorse, you'll do your ex a favor and either (A) your wife stays home or (B) you contact the school and ask to be seated separately.

In the future, there will be once-in-a-lifetime events-- graduations, weddings, etc-- where your ex is going to have to suck it up for your kids and deal with your wife, whether she wants to or not. This performance is not one of them. At some point, your wife will have to swallow those shit sandwiches.

The least you can do is not force this particular shit sandwich down her throat.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 11:35 PM, Friday, January 30th]

Yeah....so CW cheated on you too. Was she a former friend of your Ex Wife? Just curious.

It's interesting how you automatically think the worst of your Ex W when it was your CW who cheated with you and ended that marriage and who also cheated ON you, and maybe you should think about what you're involved with and stop being nasty about your Ex wife. Because to me, that IS how you are coming across and I think you should be aware of it. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, as they say....and that goes beyond this one event. This can affect all your other interactions as well. I DO think your CW wants centrality here and I would guess that's a feature of hers. She probably would like some kind of grand gesture that no one owes her and that ain't happening.

As I see it, you have 2 options here, the first is the best one that Bluer than Blue mentioned, which is CW not attending the event. It would cause the least amount of potential for discomfort in everyone, and it would be a small penance for her to do for her behavior in your EX wife and daughters' lives. If she does want to apologize, she can always send a note later.

Or you can send a text as you say, and just say this is the situation, how do you want to handle it. Are you okay with this. I would keep it as bland as possible. And if she says fine, and if CW goes, she should stay FIRMLY AND QUIETLY in the background unless EX wife indicates otherwise. Because that is what should be done in this situation. As you say, you would find it awkward if CW's AP were to attend so think of it like that.

So unless someone can think of something else here...those are your options. I think this all depends more on your CW than anyone else. She's the one that has to act with grace here because you and she are the ones that caused this situation.

darkdustythoughts, I find it absolutely appalling that you'd even consider bringing your current wife to this event. You can spin this in a thousand different ways, but it doesn't diminish your belied indifference to your ex-wife, whom you've already treated with cruelty and disdain.

Have a little empathy, if you're even capable.

DDT,

Your daughter’s ceremony is not the time or place for the bunch of you to air, or try to sort out, your grievances.

The school may want the families to sit together, but you don’t have to. You and CW can sit on the other side of the auditorium. Come in a minute or two late, and leave a minute or two early.

Let’s not forget the daughter, who is being honored, wants her step mom there.

If you had any sense of irony or self-awareness, you wouldn't have been able to write that sentence with a straight face.

Or this...

As a mother herself, I think CW is hoping XW can behave like an adult for the sake of our daughter.

As a father yourself, how "adult" did you behave when conducting your affair for the sake of your daughter? This is a mess of your making. For you to even insinuate that your betrayed former wife has some responsibility to suck it up and eat another one of your shit sandwiches just demonstrates that you have not gained any reasonable amount of empathy for her. You still sound like a blame shifting WS.

Do her and your daughter a favor. Behave like an adult, suck it up, take some accountability, and leave your CW at home and spare your already traumatized ex wife any more pain. You and your CW are the ones whose actions created this grief to begin with. This is what's known as a consequence.

I haven’t finished reading all of your responses, but I do feel the need to interject: just because I cheated on XW doesn’t make her some kind of angel. Sometimes marriages are two people being mostly shitty to one another, and I’m glad that one ended. Should I have ended it before beginning a new relationship? Absolutely. I did a horrible, horrible thing. Is XW still a probable undiagnosed narcissist prone to fits of rage, who got fired as a client by her therapist and has allowed one of our daughters to basically become an alcoholic so that she would "bond with" her new fiancé’s family? Absolutely. These facts are not mutually exclusive.

At that point in my that I had my affair, I was so beaten down that the only emotions I was capable of feeling were anger, resentment, or numbness. I didn’t know what love was supposed to look like. My CW has not been faithful to me, but she has been a wonderful partner otherwise. I joke that prior to meeting her, I was like Pinocchio, and she helped me to become "a real boy" again. She is contrite now and doing all the right things, and our marriage feels strong. We might be one of the couples that are "fully reconciled" by year 2, if things continue they way they are. She wants to do right by XW too, but not at the expense of my daughter, who has requested her attendance.

As I mentioned, my infidelity happened over 10 years ago, and that entire time I’ve been in therapy. I still am. I’m not the same person I was then. Please keep those details in mind.

Duplicate

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 3:37 AM, Saturday, January 31st]

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 3:35 AM, Saturday, January 31st]

I want BondJaneBond and BluerThanBlue to be my two new best friends. They held your feet to the fire.

Did you tell your ex you were leaving, then leave, then put a period of time before bringing in a new partner, or did you beat her over the head with the affair and go na na na na na? People leave for other people and the ex is on the ground wounded but love wins out so who gives a shit, right? You married and procreated with your ex. She is the mother of your children. For that alone you need to be on your best behavior. Let your daughter see your best self. She was 7 when all hell broke loose? Did her mother keep her from you? It sounds like this harpy you were married to shared children with you. Get over yourself. She was in the same Rocky marriage you were and she didn’t cheat…and another man loves her.

And your, oh so special, new wife cheated on you yet you write about her as if she is such a caring person. So far she has cheated on 2 husbands. I’m seeing a trend here.

Discuss this with your ex and regardless of her response be the dad. Make sure your daughter’s happiness stays front and center.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:55 AM, Saturday, January 31st]

WHY would the school insist families sit together - even blended and extended families? Never encountered anything like this EVER and I worked in a high school only county wide school district (seven high schools) and worked with thousands of incoming freshmen in a large state public university system. If you're serious about running interference to do what is best for your D, why aren't you being proactive and contacting the school to push back on this forced arrangement? I bet you're not the only family member with concerns if indeed the "requirement" is all family members MUST sit together.