SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So almost a week ago I discovered messages that were evidence of my husband having an affair. I confronted him and he had to admit it because of what I had found. The day before I found out we had been for our 12 week baby scan and I was on top of the world. It's mad to think how 24 hours later my whole world came crashing down. We also have a toddler. He has been living with his parents all week and initially kept just saying sorry but now he is being really cold and formal and only messaging me regarding seeing our toddler. I have been off work this week and am off next week too as I am really struggling and I am constantly crying. He hasn't told his parents the full truth and I think he has really minimised what has happened I first found messages between him and this women last summer but he convinced me it was just flirty banter amd promised to cut all contact with her yet here we are. He said this affair started at Christmas but I don't believe it. I am just devastated, feel worthless and hopeless and terrified for the future especially as I am pregnant.

Oh my gosh I am so sorry for you. What should be the happiest time in your life has become a nightmare.

Plus having toddler and being pregnant and alone - I don’t know how you manage.

Suggestion: speak with your doctor(s) and make sure your baby is thriving. You may not feel like eating but you must for the health of you & baby.

Suggestion: maybe find a professional counselor who can help you navigate all this.

Suggestion: get yourself a support team - family & friends and neighbors who can help you.

Do not be afraid to ask for help! People will want to be there for you and please accept the support.

There is a Healing Library here at SI that can help you find books, articles and an I Can Relate forum. Maybe look for posts with people who are in similar circumstances (cheating & pregnant betrayed spouse).

Regarding your CH (cheating husband). Please let his parents know in a matter of fact way (w/out emotion or getting too deep) that your H has been cheating, promised to end it and did not and had continued to cheat. Those are the facts and they deserve to know it. Whether they coddle him or let him have a piece of their mind, they need to know the facts. Period.

Your CH is acting like a typical cheater. Sorry to say. All of a sudden he won’t speak to you? Abandons his family while you are pregnant?

Shows who and what he really is.

You may need to file for child support ASAP if he’s not financially supporting you. If the OW is pregnant and files first, she gets the larger % of child support. You may want to speak to attorney to learn what your rights are — doesn’t mean you will D or you plan to D — but you need to know what you can or should do at every stage of this ordeal.

I am so sorry for you. Affairs are terrible traumas but what your H has done is far worse than that. I am hoping you can have an honest discussion with him and he comes to his senses.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. A couple of things I want you to know.

This is not your fault. Absolutely not. You need to know that. There is never an excuse or reason for infidelity. None. Never. Ever. So don't even let him try to guilt you or convince you that this is somehow your fault. It's not the marriage's fault either. This is a "him" problem and there's something broken inside that allowed him to cheat on you during such a special and vulnerable time. There's also no excuse or reason for his shitty attitude either. He should be willing to crawl through broken glass for you if there's any hope of reconciliation.

This isn't something that a person just gets over in a few weeks. Or a few months. It's more like a few years. 2 to 5 years on average for a person to recover from infidelity. And if reconciliation is possible that can be a lifetime work in progress. So don't beat yourself up or take any crap from him if this takes longer than either of you want or expect. It always takes longer than a person expects. So many people underestimate just how damaging and destructive betrayal trauma is. Myself included until it was thrust into my lap. Infidelity is real trauma and PTSD symptoms are common. You may want to look into seeing a trauma informed therapist.

I don't know what the future holds for you, but you will recover from this. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will. The1stWife gave you some solid advice. I too, think you should talk to a lawyer and start getting your ducks in a row. Just remember filing for a divorce isn't the same as finalizing a divorce. The process takes time and you can pause or stop it at any time if you decide to reconcile and he comes around. The sooner you take action, the better off you'll be should it come to the worst. You need to be prepared, and you'll be armed with knowledge, and knowledge is power. Take your agency back.

Others with more experience will be along with more advice, just know it's a little bit slower on the weekends here, but it's not dead. Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you, but there's a good group of folks here who understand what you're going through. You're not alone. You're being heard. We're here for you. Keep posting, ask questions, or just use us to vent if you need it.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:05 AM, Saturday, March 7th]