SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bump

This was a great post by Katherine! I agree with it.

It's hard when you are new to this to believe what's going on, especially if you've trusted someone for more than 25 years and you start to suspect this! You waffle, you blame yourself, you listen to others who say there was something wrong with "the marriage" or with you.

When people lie, cheat, sneak and treat others badly, there is something wrong with them.

Wouldn't you say so, if we were talking about anything other than a relationship? Don't blame yourself or bend over backwards to someone who has abused your trust this way!

Action and toughness are really important for the BS. The WS will hold on to the good feelings caused by all the ego-stroking involved in an affair, even if they are not "in love", even if it's only a screw, because they've had both for up to now, and they'll try to keep both for as long as it makes them feel good about themselves.

That is the task of the new betrayed: make it feel not good.

1 - Daylight

Rip it open, expose it to the light. Out them at the office, out them to their spouses.

2 - Take away your tolerance for this crap. Kick them out, leave, or if you can't leave, make their affair your job, every day.

3 - Realize that YOU hold the cards now. Information is power. Use it to protect yourself. Lawyer up, get counseling, get serious. The games stop now.

Did I listen to my own advice? No. But this is about hindsight, right?

Yes, we have reconciled, but it took a lot of pain, and tons of work, mostly by my WH, who had never dealt with all kinds of things, he just avoided them. NOW he is the husband of my dreams, but holy cow, it could have happened a lot sooner if I had only been way tougher at the start.

[This message edited by Alma at 8:14 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

still great to read after 5 times!

I printed this out and kept it on my night stand and every night that he was gone I read it to help me stay focused.

thank you i needed this

I wish that i had left after the 1st A b/c he didn't want to do mc and just wanted to "forget" it happened. This time i wish i had "planned" for it.

This is an excellent post! Thank you for thinking through the things that so many of us are too scaaterbrained to do right now! I am saving this post to read, and re-read! So many of us (myself included ) get on here and pour out poor me stories... I wish I could see more It's my life and I'm taking charge type stuff AKA positive things. Thanks again for the post.. will commit to memory!

BUMP

I wish I'd believed him 5 years ago when he told me he was having/about to have an affair.

I am (or at least was, b4 Dday) very driven, and we've worked together for 15 years in a business that we co-own. I've always been the responsible one, the workhorse, the planner etc, and he's always been the sort of irresponsible one.

One day, we were having a fight, and he said, "you know what i need? i need a woman who will love me unconditionally, support me, rub my back when I get home, tell me how great I am"--in other words, one who would expect nothing of him and kiss his ass for just being him.

Well, he found her...in fact, I believe that the above conversation happened after he'd already consummated the relationship.

I always say, when a guy tells you he's a dog, believe him.

That's what I get for ignoring my own advice.

Wow, lots of really good advice here! Not sure exactly what point it is that I hit today in this whole mess, but it felt like a brick wall at 100 MPH!!! Ok, so it probably has to do with the fact that I spent the whole day watching "Lifetime" movies...But I decided that that is the way that I want to be, I want someone to kiss me like in those movies, to say the things to me that they say in the movies, so I know that it is highly unlikely to get all that, but I realized today, that anything is better than what I've got! We just moved 45 minutes from our hometown and I think that is what's going on. When we lived there, he would go to work at night, and if I found my mind playing movies on me, or I was just bored, I'd go out, go talk to friends or whatever, go somewhere someone made me smile, feel wanted, make me laugh, thankfully I have a great group of friends. So now we are up here, and I am alone at night, well today, he was extremely grumpy and just being a down right ass, so I got upset, told him exactly how I was feeling, that I was very lonely, that I want someone to kiss me pasionately and make me feel good for once. I told him that I don't like living up here because it is making me realize just how lonely I am, I was laying there crying and you know what he did??? He said, and I quote, "Are you done? I gotta get in the shower and get ready for work".

bumping for newbies

Another bump - as requested...

Bumping to keep it at the top...

It's a very good view..

WB

bump

because I keep coming back to this and every BS needs to read it over, and over again.

Bump for a.a.n.

bump, because this really needs to be on the first page...

bump

bumping

This really ought to be in the healing library.

Bump... for those feeling sad and lonely on a Friday night.

P.S. I'm three years out, and I DON'T!

Just a little encouragement ... it really does get better, as promised.