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Newest Member: Thirteenthstepped

Just Found Out :
20/20 Hindsight--What I wish I'd done

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Ariandme ( member #15264) posted at 1:41 PM on Thursday, June 12th, 2008

Hindsight...I wish I never fought so hard for him years ago. I moved back to IL and should have forgotten all about him!

I wasted so many good years being sad, depressed and angry as hell!

Now I am free and have a wonderful man in my life. My STBX will be miserable for the rest of his life and GOD PLEASE do not let him have children!!!

My love was Free...what did your affair cost you?

posts: 324   ·   registered: Jul. 9th, 2007   ·   location: Chicago
id 3093874
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still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 12:34 AM on Sunday, June 15th, 2008

Bump-diddy.

"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2005   ·   location: up the river, NY
id 3099923
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cjonesjag ( member #10617) posted at 12:07 AM on Monday, June 16th, 2008

Bump for new friends.

Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

posts: 6405   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2006   ·   location: Michigan
id 3101386
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thyme2go ( member #12908) posted at 8:22 PM on Monday, June 16th, 2008

BH - no longer 50
3 DD's - (32, 28 and 21)
Divorced on 8/6/09

posts: 9204   ·   registered: Dec. 10th, 2006   ·   location: ND
id 3103133
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s.squirrel ( member #14742) posted at 11:27 PM on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008

bumping for you, Devastated!

Me BS 44
Him WS 45
sons :17, 16
daughter: 13
dday1: 6/1996..separated 1.5yr, then reconciled 1/1998
dday2: 5/7/2007
Separated at last!~10/31/2008
heading -->divorce
But he lost his job in April..so pending, pending, pending.

posts: 280   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2007   ·   location: ohio
id 3106571
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Sumrlady ( member #4355) posted at 11:42 PM on Saturday, June 28th, 2008

Bumping - seems like there are a bunch of newbies in JFO that are doing the "I'll try to be understanding and let him keep talking to the OW and treat me like a doormat and try to be the perfect wife and then he'll pick me" route to saving their marraiges.

I hope they read this and take the advice of those who have already been down that dead-end road.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover-Mark Twain

posts: 3142   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2004   ·   location: N. California
id 3132369
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Sumrlady ( member #4355) posted at 11:57 PM on Saturday, June 28th, 2008

If you are a newbie and read the top post, then skipped to the bottom, you will wish to read the middle as well.

Lots of posters back up Katherine.

The advice is good for those who want to reconcile. Setting boundaries early shortens affairs and starts process of true reconciliation earlier than if an affair drags out.

The truth is that a WS in an affair won't be able to stop until he or she "plays chicken" and is about to drive off the cliff and lose everything. So head the WS toward that cliff early, by setting one's boundaries, before the WS does so much damage to the marriage with more lies and extending an affair that eventually, a BS can't forgive and divorce is inevitable even should the affair end.

A desperate BS wanting to save a marraige can't imagine being the one who will pull the trigger on the marriage. But two years of lies, damage, being blamed, hurtful and cruel things said to a BS while a WS is in an affair will kill the marriage quicker than the fact that a WS had an affair. Even if the WS is now remorseful and sorry for damage done.

And this from SuspiciousMind is spot on the truth.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover-Mark Twain

posts: 3142   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2004   ·   location: N. California
id 3132384
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TICKED OFF ( member #8291) posted at 11:58 PM on Saturday, June 28th, 2008

This should be etched in stone for all NEW BS's to read. In fact, I will go even futher and say that it sould be handed out on the day couples take their vows and put away for a rainy day.

MOST IMPORTANT..........Rule number 6. The best advice you could have ever given a newbie or anyone for that matter.

DON'T EVER, EVER, DIVULGE YOUR SOURCES. NEVER. PERIOD.

I compare that rule to the WS's telling the BS as little as possible as not to give us "too" much information. We can only prove what we have concrete eveidence to. Otherwise, everything is pure speculation. The same is true for the BS telling all only in reverse.

Great post.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 6:30 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]

posts: 2809   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2005
id 3132386
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unfound ( member #12802) posted at 7:48 PM on Sunday, June 29th, 2008

bumping

ka-mai
*************
Kids on the playground can be so cruel. “Get off the swings you’re like 50, and stop talking about Soundgarden, we don't even know what that is."

posts: 14949   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2006   ·   location: mercury's underboob
id 3133363
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SuspiciousWife ( member #18108) posted at 7:17 PM on Monday, June 30th, 2008

Keeping this on the first page.

So wish my beloved sister had followed this advice...

Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

posts: 557   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2008   ·   location: East Coast
id 3135058
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punky ( member #12233) posted at 7:41 PM on Monday, June 30th, 2008

seems like there are a bunch of newbies in JFO that are doing the "I'll try to be understanding and let him keep talking to the OW and treat me like a doormat and try to be the perfect wife and then he'll pick me" route to saving their marraiges.

I totally agree. I did this. And it didn't work! Put your foot down and draw your line in the sand. It won't end any other way.

Good luck to all you new people. I feel awful that I don't respond on every new person's thread--there are just so many.

Big hugs to all of you.

13 years later...finally healed. Definitely survived and thrived and you can, too.

posts: 11326   ·   registered: Oct. 4th, 2006   ·   location: A whole 'nother country
id 3135131
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punky ( member #12233) posted at 7:44 PM on Monday, June 30th, 2008

Sorry...double post

[This message edited by punky at 1:46 PM, June 30th (Monday)]

13 years later...finally healed. Definitely survived and thrived and you can, too.

posts: 11326   ·   registered: Oct. 4th, 2006   ·   location: A whole 'nother country
id 3135138
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bbee ( member #17840) posted at 2:06 AM on Tuesday, July 1st, 2008

bump

This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1

posts: 6681   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2008   ·   location: SE US
id 3135952
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wonderingbull ( member #14833) posted at 5:45 PM on Tuesday, July 1st, 2008

Bumpitty...

The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor

posts: 6054   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2007   ·   location: A better place
id 3137151
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still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 12:25 PM on Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008

... know when to fold 'em,

know when to walk away,

know when to run ...

bump

"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2005   ·   location: up the river, NY
id 3138864
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Balancing Act ( member #19047) posted at 5:21 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2008

bumping so it stays on Page 1...

Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy

posts: 2443   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2008   ·   location: in the middle, somewhat elevated
id 3141176
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scared&stronger ( member #15942) posted at 5:27 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2008

I wouldn't have whipped the sh!t out of both of them and pleaded insanity.

WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.



posts: 4060   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2007
id 3141183
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2trusting101 ( member #16353) posted at 5:43 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2008

For all JFOs, I too learned the hardway that you cannot be understanding in hopes that the WSs "see the light" and come back. From my experience, it prolongs the agony and doesn't change a thing. Be assertive,you've probably had a gut instinct before you found out and now is the time to follow it.

Me (BS):46
Him(x-fiance):47
DDay #1: 08/11/2007

posts: 84   ·   registered: Sep. 26th, 2007   ·   location: MD
id 3141190
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cantheal ( member #19857) posted at 2:34 PM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2008

I wish a lot of things. I thought I was the most self assured person I knew, until all of this. I whined, I cried, I begged, it didn't get me anywhere. Mostly I wish I had never let him lie in the first place.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2008   ·   location: Omaha
id 3141628
wink1

alluringillusion ( member #4029) posted at 7:37 PM on Sunday, July 6th, 2008

bump

"I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

posts: 768   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2004
id 3147118
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