SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wish I had opened my eyes sooner than sticking my head in the sand and thinking it could not happen.

I wish I had listened to my body...

...one night, when BIL and SIL were over at our house, I pretended to be sick and stayed in the bathroom to overhear what H and SIL were talking about...

...when I went to bed, I was SHAKING...violently shaking...that was the ONLY time I asked H if he was interested in SIL. He said no.

Later I found out that by that time, they had already slept together and the affair continued to for a couple more months after that until they were caught in the act.

It took me awhile to realize, but the night they were caught, I could not stop shaking as well.

My BODY was telling me something that my mind could not comprehend. I wish I would've listened to my instincts at the time.

I too had a violent, uncontrollable crying, shaking episode when it hit me all at once.

That was about a month after D-day.

Never in all my 68 years did I experience anything like that. And I don't ever want to again.

You're so right, your whole body just trembles and seems like it will never stop.

So it can also happen after you hear the news too, not just in the beginning.

But I never had a hint anything was wrong for over 25 years. Then it all came tumbling down around and right on top of me.

But I never had a hint anything was wrong for over 25 years. Then it all came tumbling down around and right on top of me.

Yeah, that was me, just no clues. Shocked was a understatement.

Then at about 2 weeks out I made up my mind if I was to learn to trust my WS he was also going to have to learn to trust me.

Since my H wanted me said "that was no question in his mind".

I came to conclusion that he was going to have to show me that by the following, this is what I need:

1. I want 80% of our savings withdrawn and put into my mothers name.

2. I want you to sign a paper stating that you have no interst in my business

(I own) and in the case that we should get D you wavied all rights to it. (more detailed that just that)

3. My paycheck is mine, you are now 100% in charge of all living expenses.

4. I no longer want to feel used by you so you will do the following:

a. wash your own clothes

b. mow the yard yourself

(stop hiring neighbor boy)

c. make your own lunch

d. take me out to eat 2

times a week (dates)

e. I don't ever want to

hear your to tired.

(this double life took

all his energy from

me for years)

I made it clear I don't want any feelings of being used again, so he'd better step up to the plate. And show me he wants this marriage, because I'm not so sure I do,

but I will give it 1 year.

Funny story, I too had a physical reaction to the A. My body was trying to tell me something. I thought I was just going through some post-partum issues. In hindsight, I realize it was much more. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was so ill.

Bump for humiliated again.

bumping for new members

bump

I am just soooo frickin' glad this topic was bumped, otherwise I may never had the opportunity to read it.

1. Reconciliation is ONLY possible with a WS who is quickly and consistently remorseful.

2. How quickly?

In retrospect, I wish I'd given my foggy WH ONE MONTH and no more. Yes, there are stories on SI of WS's de-fogging months and months later. I read those stories and held out too much hope for my own WS. Some WS's never de-fog. And if they are still gaslighting and justifying over a month later, folks, I'm sorry, but it's not looking hopeful.

3. What do you mean by consistently remorseful?

Some WS's act real sorry in brief spurts. Or they get a dose of de-fogging (usually by an outside source) and promise everything. For a few days. Or sometimes even a week or two.

This part really spoke to me. I am nearly 2 months in from my 1st DDay and my WH has yet to fully de-fog and be consistent(and yes I know it takes a awhile, but in the interim his recovery seems to be coming at my expense. Im dealing with his "attitude" everyday... Its such crap! He even went so far as to scream at me because I wasnt "validating" him... friggin' unbelieveable, especially in light of all the ridiculous crap he has put me through! Validate him?! R U kidding? Where's my validation, thats what I want to know.

Live & Learn, right?... yah, whatever. I need to get to my core issues and any infraction on those cores needs to be dealt with a harsh manner. I already have divorce papers laying in wait and I am doing the 180 best I can (actually it is making WH very jealous & even hostile that I am 180ing- guess he realizes that it wont be as hard for me to move on as he hoped)!

JUST BUMPING for a newbie.

Thanks to all who have helped keep this thread alive.

I agree with the many others who think it belongs in the healing library.

Absolutely this should be in the Healing Library. I'll be printing this out and hanging it up on my bathroom mirror for a daily re-read.

I'm 1 month and 1 day from my dday. I'll be proceeding forward for me, for my kids. Because it's the right thing to do.

Bumping to keep it on p. 1.

Regarding the timeline: My XH still -still! - makes blameshifting comments such as the following: "Why did you divorce me after just three months?? Even my therapist (btw, he would't GO to a damn therapist when WE were married, no matter how much I encouraged and implored him to do so for his anxiety and depression and mood swings and general fear of mortality, etc.) was really shocked at how fast you moved."

Well, first of all, he is (naturally) WRONG about the sequence of events. I did not retain a lawyer until three months after D-day, and I did not file for divorce until two months after that, about 10 days after HE MOVED IN TO A NEW APARTMENT, his and hers, WITH THE OW!!

Which all goes to say, katherine41 is very wise about the folly of waiting around too long for the defogging.

At the very least, 180 as soon as possible. It is the beginning of recovery, with or without the WS.

I wonder had I been more forceful in my feelings and suspicions sooner that much of the pain and agony endured may have been avoided.

I wish I would've kept my mouth shut after finding the initial texts, so I could've done more digging before everything was deleted...I still get pissed off thinking about it.

I really needed that!! Im new here. Dday 10-03-08. Im really trying to do the 180. I confronted mine is he remorseful? Not really he said he knows it is wrong but he likes to talk to her and she listens to him and so on and so on. I just feel helpless. I know the 180 says dont bring up talking about the marriage until my WS is ready to talk. Do I go ahead now and give my minimum standards or do I need to wait until he is ready to talk? Can everyone see how frantic I feel?

bump

LDT3

It helped me to write about it -- what I really needed as the bare minimum to even consider staying with someone who betrayed me the worst way a spouse/partner CAN betray the other.

We went to MC (couples counseling, actually) within a couple of weeks of D-day, and it was the therapist who asked the important question: What do you want? What is the core necessity for you in this relationship?

For me, it all hinged on NC. Without that, I knew, I couldn't stay with him.

(I am grateful, as I have written before, that at least he didn't pretend or lie to string me along. He wasn't interested in R.

(((LDT3)))

Yes - we all know exactly how frantic you feel. Most of us are "just" like you.

Here is some good advice - other SI-ers gave me.

Don't make any major decisions for a long time.

Dont make threats you cant back up with action.

Do everything in your power to protect yourself.

Be careful who you choose to trust/talk to about the A

There is no such thing as "platonic friends"

Be careful what information you ask for. Because he just might tell you! And sometimes it is easier NOT to know the details.

For example - I decided NOT to ask about specific sexual acts/positions/places etc. I DON"T suffer with "mind movies" because I don't know the details. All I asked was:

Did you have sex? And was it unprotected?