SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Now that I finally have confirmation of a PA, I wish I'd investigated other "friends" I felt uncomfortable with, eve if it took hiring a PI, before I married him. I wonder what I might have discovered?

I appreciate this thread, thanks.

In hindsight, I wish i would have had WH start IC and tell truths of A BEFORE he was allowed to move back home. Turn off the volume and watch the actions.

I wish I would have told OW's boyfriend right away. OW told WH he already knew, and I BELIEVED THEM!! Now after a year, too much time is passed and it's not worth breaking NC over.

Definitely, tell the OP's spouse or signficiant other when you find out! They have a right to know something that affects every thread of their life as much as we do!

BS 47

WH 50

son 8

Dday 9/25/07

Ya know what? A remorseful WS isn't going to "leave you" just because they caught you snooping at the caller id on the cell phone. But a lying, still-cheating WS surely will bluster and get all up in arms.

Excellent post!

I kept saying, "mm-hmmm, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, yeah..." outloud as I read it.

I've read and reread this post - and think that it's a great guide to follow. I just can't bring my mind to understand how him being remorseful will get the marriage back together? I will NEVER trust him again and will feel like I will need to police his every action. That is not me, I would have to turn into a palore officer or some-such. Then, he would feel miserable being accountable for every hour of the day,every dollar spent, every call, every email. What kind of life is that for either of us? I am so confused - walking away from a 12-year relationship seems crazy, but staying in it seems crazier still...???!!!

CherryDacquiri...

At the beginning I felt that way, too. That I could never trust again, that I would be constantly policing him, that I would always be suspicious.

After two years, I still don't trust him 100%, but the trust is coming back. We have a LDM due to his work. He is good about calling and telling me what he is doing at any given time/who he is with. There is a different tone in his voice and a different way that he reacts to things that tells me change has taken place. It doesn't happen overnight. I think that's the hardest thing to swallow at the beginning.

I do wish I would have drawn my personal line in the sand sooner, though---just like this thread suggests.

I see that nothing is confirmed in your case. I know what a difficult situation that can be. Keep on the downlow as much as possible. Keep your eyes, ears open. Dig. You will find the truth--it never stays buried forever.

Good luck.

[This message edited by punky at 12:50 PM, October 11th (Saturday)]

5 months since 1st dday, 4 weeks since 2nd. Already I wish I'd kept my mouth shut and dug before he got defensive. I wish I'd dug back then while the trail was fresh. Gonna trust all the other suggestions above and go with them.

bumping

Thank you so very much for this post. I look back and I think to myself "if only I hadn't done this", "if only I hadn't said that". I wish I could've known then what I do now as I'm sure much would have been differently, but all I can do is work with now.

bump

ometimes we just know. For me, the A was a wake-up call to how crappy our marriage and my life had become. You will hear lots of advice abut waiting a year to make any major decisions. ... I felt I did not have another year to waste.

it's about 9 months for me from dday 1. a lot of the points Kathrine makes resound with me, but the above by another poster is a great one.

It didn't happen right away, and in the beginning it looked like R was possible and happening. Keep an open mind. When he fell back into old patterns within three months, I wish I had not kept thinking he needed more time, or bought his excuse that "I just can't talk, I never have."

all of a sudden, like th eabove post, "I just knew." It was after a month long series of unpleasant discoveries and experiences, and I thot, "At 46 I am too young to be living the rest of my marriage not believing WH." Lying is his default position - about *anything* anything at ALL! I realized that if he loved Me (rather than needed me for his own sad reasons), he'd have been making obvious efforts. the efforts may not have "been enough: at that moment, but they'd have been obvious. You don't have to try to figure out if something is an effort by WS, it just obviously is.

Don't buy into pathology explanations for their twisted behaviors. Who wants to be a spouse's therapist or AA like sponsor? I don't have time in my life for that. That is not a marriage, it is babysitting. If a spouse gets MS or Alzheimers, etc, we have to deal - that is the "for worse" not "I was bored/angry/tired and chose to cheat."

Done with throwing good effort after bad, and glad of it!

bump

Bumping back to the top for anyone new.

Thankyou hurting student for bumping this thread.

I wish I had listened to my mc and waited before I let him back into my life.\I moved quickly to try and make everything feel back to "normal",but didnt use the time to really work out what I wanted.

bumping.

It's probably been said many times in this thread, but I wish I would have trusted what my gut was SCREAMING at me instead of letting my heart believe the lies told to me. So many times I came so close to catching them, and I let myself get talked out of my suspicions.

Bump

bumping for AnonMom and others who are new and confused and lost and wondering what's the right thing to do (there's no one right thing, but katherine's post made perfect sense to me, in hindsight)

I second what Pitofmystomache says.

I so wish I would have listened to my gut years ago, instead of letting myself believer the lies.

And I KNEW they were lies. I just didn't want to believe he would do this.

Thanks for the bump!