SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

thanks so much for sharing this.

Bump for newbies

Thanks for bumping this, OnlyLonely.

I am only (almost) 2 months out from D-Day but there were many "mini d's" in the past... only I believed him when he said there was "nothing going on."

These are things I wish I'd done:

1) Listened to my gut instinct, even though I didn't want to.

2) Kept a journal so I don't get confused about what I think happened when.

3) Not revealed that I even HAD sources -- much less what they were!

4) Instead of setting a six month "re-evaluation" date, I should have set it at one month. I can always add another month if it is merited but why waste 5 months if there is no remorse and no effort to reconcile?

I "get" the minimum standards / boundaries now, and they are absolute.

1)NC with OW

2)honesty

3)financial responsibility

4)counseling

I am currently getting finances and paperwork in order; I am in IC and we are in MC; I have consulted a lawyer.

I am exercising regularly, working to declutter and re-vamp my home, having my hair done (no more "little old lady" grey!) and following healthier menus. Gee, next thing you know, I'll be wearing makeup!

What I wish I'd done... well, I don't wish I had walked out on him on November 19, 1986 because then my beautiful youngest child wouldn't have been born.

I don't wish that my kids hadn't had him as their father because he is a good parent and taught them values (even if he didn't maintain them all.)

I wish I'd "called" him after the first inkling I had that he EVER lied to me. I think that by not setting and maintaining a hard line and expressing my doubts about his honesty 20+ years ago, I set myself up to be lied to again and again.

#1 wish - I WISH I HAD MAINTAINED THE MEANS FOR FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE!!!

pre-holidays bump

*bump*

Dday was Nov 18. Full story Dec 8. I wish I had not given my WW the benefit of doubt, and believed the "we're just friends" BS I got in mid September. That was 3 weeks before the PA started. My instincts were going nuts, but I ignored them because I thought I knew her.

I wished I had listened to my instincts instead of her sister and best friend who both said there was no way it could happen. They were as in the dark as I was. They are both reeling from finding out the truth as well.

Trust your instincts. They are right, guaranteed.

Would have listened to my instincts back in mid-summer instead of accepting the implausible excuses. Only realized my gut was 100 percent correct when it was too late. Not saying it would have changed anything, because I'm sure she was "foggy" in June, and willingly so. (She wanted to "fall in love" and jumped in eagerly when the first remotely suitable candidate reared his sleazy head.) But at least I could have started healing three months sooner.

Also, would have one eightied on her ass right out of the starting gate, instead of making all the usual rookie mistakes - the appeals to reason, the appeals to emotion, the pleading, the ranting, the attempts to curry favor with a woman who was cheating on me, etc. All were doomed. Just didn't know it. Of course, how could I have? Like so many here, I didn't buy the course texts until the semester was halfway over and I'd already flunked all the major exams.

Best thing about this thread?

When you're in the "BS fog" tou may read it and say..."Well this doesn't exactly apply to my situation" Or "I can read through this, and a lot applies, but not everything...Me and WH are different"

What I learned 9 months out? This shit is TEXTBOOK. I swear unremorseful spouses share the same gene or something.

I wish I kicked out my STBXWH from the VERY beginning.

Glad I read this thread.

I WISH I'd found this back 6 months ago.

Cheers

I keep seeing "Don't rush into anything" "Wait awhile before making major decisions."

And I wonder, did I do the right thing?

DH had an emotional (at least) affair for 4 months (at least, that I knew about). It was ridiculous and he was very open about it, saying they were just friends. I confronted, confronted, and confronted. I did everything but beg him to love me, meanwhile he was playing us off of each other and stringing me along as his backup plan until he knew where he stood with her. (A girl 15 years his junior)

Finally he "got mad" and used one of my confrontations as an excuse to leave me.

A week later he came back to talke with me at my request, told me he was leaning heavily toward divorce, that he was not in love with me anymore, that she had been in his hotel room but they were just watching movies, and that I could call or text him but "if I can't talk to you, I just can't." He told me he was giving her money for her rent. Said he did not think he even wanted to give us 3 months to work things out. He finished up with, "Maybe I am in love with OW. Maybe that is what this is all about." And he left again to go back to his hotel.

He was so cold, so mean, so hateful. It was like my DH had died and this new person had gotten in his body.

I moved out a week later and filed for divorce 2 weeks later. Since then, our only communication has been him berating me via email for some of the stuff I took, leting me know he'd changed the locks on the house, and asking me when we were going to discuss the assets.

She is at our house every night just about and he bought her a gemstone ring for Christmas.

I just don't see that I had any choice, but when I read this I go, "Oh crap, should I have waited to see what happened?"

Ok, actually typing this out reminds me what a douchebag he is. I should have filed for divorce back in October.

[This message edited by inknots at 2:57 PM, December 22nd (Monday)]

I'm 20 months out from first Dday. I too wish I had found this site way back then as I made many mistakes such as informing of sources and not waiting to gather more evidence before confronting. One thing I did do that was right for me, but maybe not for all (since we have no kids at home) was to divorce and split property (in lieu of a post-nup). Not separate from him, just protect me until we decided if we could R. He didn't even contest it and didn't show up for court either. You should have seen the shock on his face when I came home with the final decree. He had been 'in control' of me for so long, he said he NEVER believed I would go through with it because I loved him so much. Other than that, I have been pretty much of a wimp, in shock and denial, sadness that never ends, just like most everyone on this site. I wanted to die for many, many months. He was my first boyfriend at age 16 and I thought we had something special after being married almost 40 years. I don't think I will ever get past his betrayal and especially the lies. MANY MANY LIES.

I am so glad this site exists, I expect to spend many hours here.

bumping for newbies

I agree 100% with this post.

Even though we were set on an R after the 1st D-Day, when I had the chance I started dividing as much as I could-I needed a car and purchased one that I knew I could afford on my own if I had to. I got my own bank account. Started looking long and hard at bills and whatnot. All just in case.

7 months after D-Day, when I found an ad that he'd placed on Craigslist looking for sex, in a minimized window on our shared computer that he didn't even bother to close even though my parents were staying with us during that time I realized everything had been a lie and that I needed to leave.

Right now I'm less than 30 days froma finalized divorce because even after seperating and trying to work on it-multiple counselers, MC and IC counseling, Retrouville-all sessions and even the extra Post and Core sessions some of which we hosted he still couldn't pull his head out of his a$$ long enough to be consistantly remorseful enough for me to trust him again.

Longer engagement....probably would have seen some red flags then....

I wish this had been here when I found out.

Mostly, I just wish that I hadn't gone into denial when I knew deep inside that there was something going on.

I wish that I had found the trust and confidence in myself to stand up for myself and not be a doormat.

Post-Christmas bump

I wished I had found this site when I first suspected something was not right. I was having a hard time believing MY H was capable, as he was just "not the type". I kept telling myself I was just being paranoid, afterall, he was home with me every night. When would he have the chance? It never occurred to me it could be a co-worker. We used to joke that any need new hiree had to pass an ugly test. His company just didn't hire the most attractive women. Well, stupid me!

Now my regrets?

1. That I didn't actively listen to my gut. It could have saved a deeper EA and maybe a PA from happening.

2. That I didn't aggressively investigate what my gut was telling me.

3. That I spent months blaming myself for not being perfect.

4. That I let him move back in before he decided he would be honest with me.

5. That I didn't require his IC and for him to get his act together before he moved back home. I feel he went from me to her and back to me without skipping a beat. In hindsight, he hadn't even begun to work his issues out. I wished I had required that before getting back together.

6. I wished we had stayed separated longer, giving me time to really know he loved me before coming back. I still struggle with thoughts that I may be comfortable for him and not the love of his life. If I had a chance see him fight for me maybe I wouldn't have these feelings. I made it too easy for him.

I know I can't really do this, but I wish I had taken his nuts out of the sack.

bump; back to the top!

"Reconciliation is ONLY possible with a WS who is quickly and consistently remorseful" What if WS has never been remorseful? My ex has yet to be remorseful, he has never admitted to it; though I was only told recently after we separated, that he admitted to cheating. So dealing w/the separation process and then also finding out he cheated that just added sprinkles to the icing on the cake lol! Makes all sense, I guess, since he never liked admitting he was wrong and would alwyas argue just to be right, or til I gave up.