SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Great, great post.

Unfortunately, I am still pussyfootin' around! But I am seeing some de-fog, so I guess I'll continue being the stubborn person I am!

I hope the newbies read this thread and are able to absorb the wisdom of your words- it may make a difference in the outcome of their situation.

I don't remember who said this, BUT it is so true. Unfortunately, the pain and devastation are usually such a mind-f**k that absorbing wisdom seems to come much later.

I wish I would have had this post a year ago. I look back at my journals and I am almost embarrassed to read them as I totally blamed myself for the A! Then I thought about throwing them out and thought "No way!" these are a reminder of how far I had come.

Cheers to you! for doing this.

This is right on. I am only 4-months from d-day, and I so regret not following some of these steps. At the time, my therapist, family, his family, priest, all the books I read said the exact same things, but I did not listen - thought I knew the best way to deal with my WH - I was so wrong. A few things I would have done differently:

NOT believe him when first confronted about the A - for the fisrt month, it was "we are just friends", then "we just started developing feelings for each other" but NO, NO, NO PA. Well finally after a month the PA came out. I wish I would have pushed harder for the truth on the first d-day.

NOT feeling sorry for him. For a few months (and even now at times) I feel bad that he is having money issues, misses his dog, needs something from the house, etc., etc. I was giving into all these requests while he was practically living with her.

I agree TELL EVERYONE. I was so embarrassed for the first month and wanted to save the idea that we had a great marriage. The best thing I did was tell all family, friends, neighbors - made life very difficult for him, and gave me HUGE support.

bump this

For Mouse.

J

[This message edited by bkewidow at 11:40 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

If this is to be a permanent post, please highlight that this advice if for foggy, unremorseful and cake-eating WS. NOT ALL WS.

Know what you are working with.

Katherine

I'm now a month out from D Day and I just reread this advice. Wow- It is so much clearer now. I don't think I really understood it when I first read it. I am accepting crumbs my WH is giving out when what I want is the whole cookie. Without SI, I might not really see the true picture.

I thank you Katherine for all of the advice you've given me and thanks to bkewidow for reminding me to reread this.

Going to talk to H about this tonight...

Define your minimum standards and stick to them sooner rather than later.

#1 4 years after Dday I see that was our defining moment.

He knew I was mad enough to quit.

bump

Wow! What an eye opener. I'm a little over a year out from Dday and still feel like it's all so very raw. I am going to keep re-reading these words. Thanks.

Well done!!!!

BRAVO KATHERINE!!!! What a fantastic post! This list should be in the healing library for sure. I'm 7 months post d-day and all that you said is absolutely true...especially when you spoke about defining your minimum standards and not budging. If you follow these rules, you'll know really quickly whether R is truly possible. And whether your investment in your M will pay off. Thanks for sharing!

My biggest mistake post d-day: "Never reveal your sources." This is KEY newbies! I made the mistake of sharing where I'd gotten my info ... Boy was I stupid. In fact I'm still guilty of it. It just makes them sneakier and the job of getting more info so much more difficult...

Thank you so much for posting this, it's amazing. And so enlightening for me. This is the first time I'm writing on this site. So I'll try my best with abbreviations and the rest, but I just needed to thank you because your post helped validate so many of my feelings and thoughts.

A friend suggested I come on this site--and just from reading your post, I feel less crazy.

The A was almost a year ago exactly, he went out of town for business. I think I found out almost immediately, I have very strong tintuition. But couldn't prove anything until a couple of months later, we made up, I slept with him, and ended up with a fever for 3 days and then sores.

He gave me genital Herpes, even then it took him a few days to admit the A, and it took a couple of months before he said he was sorry, but even then it was not in a remorseful way....I'm still waiting.

And to clarify, I may have M.S., my immune system is compromised, so I have now have severe pain/neuralgia every time I get my period, for a week. And sex, or anything I do down there is out of the question, aggravates symptoms.

And I feel like such an idiot for still being in this "relationship". We were together for 13 years, married 8, have 2 young kids: ages 5 and 7.

I'm thinking it'll be easier to leave him when my youngest starts Kindergarten....

Of course, there's more, a year has gone by and he hasn't changed much, I guess it's the "fog" that i read about here. But I feel like I'm almost done mourning the relationship.

Thanks again for sharing your insights, your truth clarified my needs, it validated my current reality, and makes me feel stronger, surer of myself.

Thank you so much.

Me: BW 39

WH:35

D-day: June 6, 2006

Married 8 years-together 13

2 children (5 & 7)

OW: someone, or various people in CA,still don't know

[This message edited by pioneerspirit at 10:49 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]

Pioneerspirit,

welcome to SI. I am very sorry you have to be here....

may I suggest that you start a new thread with your story ? I would hate to see it get buried in this one , you'll get more replies that way.

((((((((((((Huge Hug)))))))))))))))

Thank you Scorned,

I'm so tired of my story, you know. I was waiting until I had more energy to do that. But I was so moved by a couple of posts, I responded to them.

Thank you so much for the support and hugs, it always helps!

(((((pioneerspirit))))) I just wanted to welcome you to the site .... I'm so sorry for what your husband brought into your life. You've come to the right place. This site will give you strength and the support you need. I know it has for me and so many others. Stay strong. lola

This needs to be once again at the #1! Alot of new ones on here (myself included) and very good reading.

Bumping again. Such wisdom based on experience.

I'm two years out, too, and this advice is spot-on.

I agree that not all WSs are the same, of course, but if any of this strikes home, you know which kind of WS you have.

The "light fog, clearing later" version or the "pea soup, don't move another step through the swamp" version.

Another vote for adding katherine's list to the Healing Library, btw.

bumpi

I have come back to this post several times now to reread Katherine's brave advice- I appreciate it soooooooo much! I know that everyone's situation is different and individual, but it helps to read someone else's timeframe and suggestions as a guideline. I am, FINALLY, today going to write down my own requirements (minimums) and draft what I'll say the next time he calls so I'll have help not getting emotional and just falling for more bull... This is invaluable, and definitely needs to be in the library! thanks!