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anotherstatistic ( member #26184) posted at 2:08 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
This is so what I needed to read today. DBB, I don't even know you and I love you! This one is going in the survival handbook I've started, with a tab for easy reference.
Me-BS 36 Him-WS 41 (just plain wrong)
hisD-17, myS-13, ourD-3, ourD-born 3/17/10
weeping willow ( member #22800) posted at 2:24 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Thanks DBB....This is definitely the most accurate description of the OW, and the best post I've ever read!
BW - me FWH - him
D Day - July 26, 2007
Married 40 years
PeacefulLife ( member #25667) posted at 2:29 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Beautifully written! Thank you for sharing. It helps to read and put the affairs into perspective. Who would really want a broken, pathetic man? Not a healthy woman, that's for sure.
Alana89 ( member #25011) posted at 2:30 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Beautifully written, and I'm sorry for your pain. However, I don't feel it's accurate for me. I was the one who was beaten and down because my xH saw to it and I allowed it.
I've been here for a few months trying to decide whether or not to dig for the truth after the D; for me. To learn where I went wrong in our M and to ensure it won't happen again in my future R's.
What does it say about our H's. That they are predators? If that's so, I'm glad that I didn't know before we separated as I don't think I could have stayed with a man with so little regard for not only me but for someone weaker.
Don't get me wrong, OW here is a real piece of work and she did not 'win'. It wasn't a contest. She wasn't caught, it wasn't a chase. I've learned that for my own healing, I have to be gut wrenchingly honest with myself. We grew apart and they had more in common than we did. I'm not forgiving or condoning either but I have learned that I have to own up to my part in this mess. I want to hate her, you have no idea how badly I want to hate her. But in doing so, I loose a part of me. And I've already sacraficed enough of myself to this. THIS is where I won't let the OW win.
A friend from childhood has been married for over 10 years to her MM (she was his MW). Yes, cheaters. But she is nothing like the generic OW in your post. She's never been weak, or had low self esteem. In fact, the exact opposite. Wrong as it was, they were both unhappily M and they fell in love. Yes it hurt two others and yes it's morally wrong. But it wasn't a predator/prey situation. As a matter of fact, of the couples I know who have been through infidelty, none of the OP's were prey nor were the MP predatorial.
But as a newly single woman getting my dating feet wet, I do see similarities in the men out there these days. I'm stunned at the number of MM who are out clubbing.
But all stories are different as are all the people involved.
Sorry for the t/j. Again, beautiful post and I hope you can find peace again.
HurtButHopeful? ( member #25144) posted at 2:42 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Wow! Actually OW scoped out my lonely, living away from home for a year H, when she was also down and out, getting a D. Plus she had 4 young children she needed a daddy for. (No problem, FWH is missing his own 4 children.) FWH now says she was very "needy" and had poor boundaries.
What does that say about him? Yea, now he says he should have cut and run immediately, but he stuck around long enough to hear her sob story, got sucked in and shared the fantasy with her.
[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 9:02 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]
Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley
deathbybetrayal (original poster member #22478) posted at 2:51 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
And what about him?
Broken, liar, cheater, needy, insecure seeker of ego stroking. At least that's who my husband was at that time. Oh, and throw in depressed after losing his father. Today, an entirely different man. At least he's working on becoming the man I deserve - the one he always wanted to be.
A friend from childhood has been married for over 10 years to her MM (she was his MW
Yes, there is always the case for the functioning dysfunctional.
I hope you can find peace again.
Thank you. At more than a than a year out, I'm slowly finding peace again. It's been a long, hard road. But it's coming back. I find that having perspective helps. Best of luck to you in your new beginning. You seem to be doing well in accepting that your ex husband is better suited with someone else.
Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008
inconnu ( member #24518) posted at 2:55 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
DBB, you've come such a long way. I'm proud of you sweetie. Ya done good here today.
There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown
Alana89 ( member #25011) posted at 3:14 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
DBB,, functional dysfunctional. I like it. Dysfunctional's become a buzz word sort of like co-dependant.. we all have the traits.
Thanks... yeah, they're better suited for each other. Neither of them grew up. I did. They're beyond middle aged drunks! At times when I REALLY want to hate her,, I relish in what she's getting! lol A drunken, multiple DUI card carrying broke loser who had more than he ever deserved and threw it all away... Her? lost the best friend she may have ever had.
Ooo that felt good!
I'm glad the two of you are finding your way. I wish you all the best!
dove ( member #15382) posted at 4:09 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
TickTock ( member #26015) posted at 4:56 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Thank you so much for this post. I have never really looked at it from that point of view. I was having an "Ah Ha" Oprah moment while I was reading it.
I am going to read this every day.
15 year old son
14 year old daughter
12 year old son
"Do the RIGHT thing - that way you will always like the person you see in the mirror" the mantra I heard consistently growing up from my Mum - thank you Mum!
confuzzled ( new member #26137) posted at 5:22 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
This post spoke volumes to me.Very well said and I am going to read this every single time I have these haunting thoughts go through my head about the affair(ok maybe not read it EveryTime..lol but I will refer my brain to remember this when I have haunting affair thoughts!)
Thank you so much for putting this into words for the rest of us to read. It is true and it makes me feel better to read it because we usually tend to be down on ourselves when our WH has an affair..and why?? because some easy sleezy hoe with no self respect or respect for others people's lives come along and flatters the shit out of them??? Why should we?? C'mon ladies...I'm sure we have all been hit on during our marriages.Yes it is flattering, Yes it feels great BUT we go home to them...that guy...the one we said vows to!!! We do not drop our pants at first opportunity and be thankful someone "tooted" our horn enough to sleeze things up! That's the way it should be..otherwise we would all not be here on this site!
strongandwomanly ( member #26046) posted at 5:30 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
I know this is going to put me on the "bad list"...but that is what keeps me from being mad at the OW. I feel sorry for her. What a low life.
I am coming to grips with the fact that I am the winner...and she is truly a loser. And...I really, truly feel sorry for her.
(okay...fire away...I know I am going to get it for saying that.)
BS - me - 39 WS - 44. (Not So Happy)
OW - my former bf my whole life - 54
A was n '99 - dday was n sept '09
4 kids - DS 17 DDs 15 12 & 10
3 dogs/1 cat/2 ferrets and a heartache. Married 18 years..together 25. I want to believe n R.
ZigZag ( new member #24253) posted at 5:37 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Nicely written DBB and the fellow SIer.
.. true in our case too! But what does that say about our WS???
WS is also broken, but when will they get it?
Me: 42 BS
Him: 44 WS
D-Day #1: 6 Nov 06 (thot it was EA)
D-Day #2 4 Dec 08
M: nearly 16 yrs. DD:14 yo, DS: 8yo
tearsofjade ( member #25778) posted at 10:23 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Thank you so much for posting this. Its 5am and I am getting ready to leave for work after a rough day with WH yesterday. What you said is something I have known but never been able to make it concrete in my mind, kept slipping back to it must be me.
My WH is LEO and she is a waitress in a restrauant he would frequent. She is in her early to mid 20's, WH is 44. He is a good looking man, has all his hair and sexy eyes. She is ugly and trashy, this has come from people who have seen her, one of the first things they said was "have you been checked for STD?"
So yes he just went for what was easy and still thinks she was a nice person, had enough going on in her life and wasnt into drama. This being said when I asked him why he wasn't worried about her making waves at the dept he works at. Yea screwing a married man is NOT drama and doesn't add any stress to you life!!!!
She saw this man in uniform (KISA) and he saw a hero worshipper and available sperm receptacle.
I will print your poting out and read it daily. Thank you so much.
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!
babybean2006 ( member #25987) posted at 11:04 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Me BW 27,
him WH 26 "annar"
DS 4 yrs
OG -fucking psycho whore, spreading disease and creating unwanted babies
D-day feb 09
separated since. Tried to "re-connect" recently, but that was based on LIES too :(
Nov. 2010-its over
supermom ( member #25945) posted at 11:08 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Wow,this is so true! Thank you for posting it.
On a rollercoaster for 23 years and now it is time to get off.
down4now ( member #23635) posted at 11:17 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Thank you. I know this in my heart but its nice to have someone else articulate it so well.
BS (me) 44
Married 21yrs, Together 25 yrs
Children boy 14, girl 19
D-Day(s)26th Feb, 1st March, 12th March 2009
5 Month EA/PA
OW: 52,former friend.
NC 4th March 09. Broken by OW 13th Aug, 20th Nov
On the road to R
Megpie ( member #24358) posted at 12:08 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
This is the best and most truthful post I have ever seen here. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou.
Me - BS - 54
Him - WS - 40
OW - his ex wife (divorced for 15 years)
Married 10 years, together 14
Blended family, no kids at home
D-Day - 13/04/09
R-Day - 13/04/09
Edie ( member #26133) posted at 12:09 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Even though we instinctively, rationally and intellectually know all this to be true, it doesn't stop the monkeys chattering in your ear at first - early on. So it is great for this to be written - SO CLEARLY - for newbies. THANK YOU.
With my OW, I tried, because of all the above and because I felt sorry for her, early on to help here to feel better about herself (not her behaviour, of course), and she even told my FWH that I was the only person who understood her!
And then I discovered the many fishing expeditions she had been on, regardless, and realised that her self-respect was lost cause, and certainly no longer a cause for me to support. (Many more deserving causes in the world).
It did though take my FWH a while to realise that it was "it", the ego-stroking, the worship, and the admiration that he was missing and not her.
Now he is completely indifferent to her - and I am not...yet. But working on it.
And posts like yours help a lot, Thank You!!
Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.
terriblysad ( member #25701) posted at 3:43 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Thank you for the post... I know that I am a better person than her - we are all better than the OW because she is the liar and cheater.
It's just nice to read and confirm.
In my case, my WH needs to feel superior, needs to feel needed. She is a very needy person with may issues.
BW (me) 49
arried 27 years - 3 wonderful children 23,19,16
D-Day - 7-3-09 - LTA with a "friend" - started in 2003?
False R - finally NC 5-11
Trying to R - one day a time.
The worst thing you can try to do is cling to somethin
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