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I hate this for you, TCMM. I know this part is empowering and amusing, but I hate that this woman you loved so much is this far gone from reality. She's not right in the head. I hate that your children have to hear this crap coming out of their mother's mouth.

The OM generously let her keep the $40 her husband gave to her and that's how he "takes good care of her"? I'm assuming she genuinely doesn't hear the sleaze in this? She's not ashamed? I can't imagine the lack of dignity, it's really terrible. And to think your daughters hear this is also terrible, and I'm just very sorry your family is going through this.

[This message edited by circe at 9:02 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

Yeah. How did the OM get any say over the $40 bucks? Like is he her pimp or something?

When is she going to get the marching papers?

Why is this woman still living with you?????

TCM didn't buy the van to replace the car, he bought the van to replace HER VAN. She took over the car but it was TCM's car he was just gracious enough to drive the van and let her have the car since the car was more reliable. When the van took a dump he replaced it. Now they're back to the OLD arrangement (WW has the van, TCM has the car). This is not a new arrangement.

Diver, this just goes to show you she runs everything she does through OM, it's them against you, she has totally changed sides. She is too far gone to be saved, don't hold back go for her cheating throat. She is in rape and pilladge mode.

Now they're back to the OLD arrangement (WW has the van, TCM has the car). This is not a new arrangement.

If I am reading this right, he's been driving the van for some time. And he went back to the "old" arrangement unilaterally.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm with TCMM 1000%. But I CAN see how a judge might see it differently. I really hope I'm wrong. (Take note, I don't say THAT very often!)

Let us know how it goes, TCMM. You've got a lot of us rooting for you!

[This message edited by tulipcitymadman at 8:24 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)]

Let me get this straight:

For the last x many years, she's been driving a van (the same one). She would still BE driving said van if it hadn't started to fall apart.

And a judge is going to fault you somehow for 1) buying her a replacement vehicle and 2) paying for/financing said vehicle yourself? SHE isn't on the van's title! She's not legally responsible for it. Was she before? If she was before and she isn't now, I'd ask the lawyer about putting her name on it. Otherwise, it could look like you sold her transportation and left her with nothing in her own name. <-- of course, I'm just speculating here. In any case, if she doesn't LIKE the car, she always has the option of getting a job and buying herself the car of her choice. I'm sorry. I half feel like it's inappropriate to laugh, but I just have to at the sheer audacity and stupidity of the woman. SERIOUSLY!

I hate this for you, TCMM. I know this part is empowering and amusing, but I hate that this woman you loved so much is this far gone from reality. She's not right in the head. I hate that your children have to hear this crap coming out of their mother's mouth.

The OM generously let her keep the $40 her husband gave to her and that's how he "takes good care of her"? I'm assuming she genuinely doesn't hear the sleaze in this? She's not ashamed? I can't imagine the lack of dignity, it's really terrible. And to think your daughters hear this is also terrible, and I'm just very sorry your family is going through this.

Sadly, Circe. You're right. THIS, ultimately, is the main issue. As amusing as this van incident is, it comes down to what you wrote above.

[This message edited by tulipcitymadman at 8:25 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)]

It seems she is determined to use the kids as pawns in the situation, and the only recourse I have is to stay close to them and make sure they know how much I love them. This situation sucks for them and it breaks my heart

But you're a great dad and your relationship with them will only get better.

My heart goes out to you. I'm still in the marital home, waiting until end of the month to move. WH is still in contact with his MOWhore. He tries to only "chat" (on blackberry) with her when I'm out of the house, but I catch him occasionally. And that, alone, is enough to make me either crazy sad or fingernail-curling angry. I can't imagine how strong you must be to endure the way you have been. AND to keep your head on straight and do the right thing with your kiddos.

When your waiting period is finally up and you can physically separate, please PLEASE do something nice for yourself.

((((tcmm))))

I have read your story from the very beginning in JFO. I didn't post because you seemed to have it pretty much together, and you were getting lots of good advice.

I usually don't post at all in this forum but I've been reading here to keep up with your story. I still have no advice.

But....I want to say that I can't tell you how much it breaks my heart when parents treat their children the way your STBX is treating yours. I'm so glad they have at least one parent who puts them first, above all else. I wish at some point you had adopted your son so you could have more say in his future. From the sounds of your STBX she will probably not be willing to work with you at all in his life just to be spiteful.

Even in the horrendous pain we all know infidelity is, what you are doing for your little girls is beyond priceless. They can't understand things now, but one day they will look back and know how amazing you actually were during this time.

Big big hugs!!!

TCMM, you are an AMAZING man! Your WW doesn't understand just how lucky she was to have you. Your children are so lucky to have you! Your children will grow up with a strong sense of right and wrong from you, and they will be generous and caring and kind and thoughtful and fair, just as you are. They are going to have more love to give because you have given them so much, and they will have more love in return because they have so much to give. They will be amazing parents themselves, and amazing people to know and be with. What a wonderful legacy you are creating, a Dad who will stay home with his daughter and make bread simply because she wants to.

Your children are SO lucky to have you. And anyone who knows you is lucky to know you as well.

I'll let you know if my M doesn't work out.

And saying that the money that I gave her for gas and wiper blades He let her keep and that she would be taking the kids out for ice cream later. And she told this to the kids. I responded, "How nice of him." She said "Yes, he treats me very well."

The om is pimpin' her out to you now? WTF!!!!

TCMM. . .

I hope you have her comments about the OM letting her keep the $40 you gave her on a VAR. That might be useful in questioning her judgment in the child custody considerations.

In addition, there is no way that she can deny that there is a very intense relationship going on there -- if the other man has such control over her that he dictates to her what she does with the money her husband gives her.

I don't think a judge will give a hoot about her getting the van when compared to the crazy shit she is pulling and the abandonment of her kids. I think TCMM's VAR conversations will show her in her true light and THAT is what the judge will care about... Besides, both cars belong to HIM, not her. It is in his right to decide which one he wants. If she doesn't like the van, nothing stopping her from going out and buying her own vehicle.

I'm sure you're doing this, but just to reinforce how important it is to keep a log of each day, who makes dinner, who makes bread, who sits down and talks to the kids. This is important. It shows stability, structure, parenting, time investment and all good things that normal good parents do under regular circumstances and you are doing under extraordinary circumstances.

I honestly believe a judge wouldn't care who got which car when. What I hope will come through is your continued care for your family's well-being and safety. A care broke down and was replaced by one more reliable. It holds stuff, it's kid friendly, it is safe. End of story. Which car your wife felt was more fitting to her personality? Can you imagine a judge thinking "huh what an ass when she told him she didn't really FEEL the mini-van as an embodiment of her image..." Nope.

Your focus on your children and giving them that stability is huge, and wonderful. If they can't get it from both parents, getting it consistently from one is the next best thing.

My H and his exW spend in the neighborhood of $30K combined to hash out about $2000 of medical bills (who should pay them) and 45 extra minutes of visitation per week. No kidding. After H and I got married we went over his finances and he still had about $6K left to pay from that battle which was years in the past. Sadly, your W's lawyer will probably take full advantage of her ridiculously misplaced anger. I wish there were an easier way for these people to stand outside themselves and see what they're really doing.

What interests me is the fact that the van issue seems to have angered your wife more than anything else. More than being served with divorce papers. And - significantly - more than the custody order that she may not take her daughters anywhere near OM.

So sad. It is as though she has completely abandoned her mother role - not temporarily, but over a fairly long period now. It seems abnormal to me and I, too, am wondering whether she is sick or on drugs.

Does she interact normally with the children when she IS at home?

[This message edited by Cally60 at 12:41 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

Gosh - some days in reading your journal it just makes me cry. I don't understand mothers like that. Here is a poem I found for you TCMM that I want you to replace the word Mother with YOUR personal name, because this explains YOU - you are a wonderful father.

A Mother's Love Is a Haven in the Storms of Life

Author: Helen Steiner Rice

A MOTHER'S LOVE is like an island

In life's ocean vast and wide,

A peaceful, quiet shelter

From the restless, rising tide ...

A MOTHER'S LOVE is like a fortress

And we seek protection there

When the waves of tribulation

Seem to drown us in despair ...

A MOTHER'S LOVE'S a sanctuary

Where our souls can find sweet rest

From the struggle and the tension

Of life's fast and futile quest ...

A MOTHER'S LOVE is like a tower

Rising far above the crowd,

And her smile is like the sunshine

Breaking through a threatening cloud ...

A MOTHER'S LOVE is like a beacon

Burning bright with FAITH and PRAYER,

And through the changing scenes of life

We can find a HAVEN THERE ...

For a MOTHER'S LOVE is fashioned

After God's enduring love,

It is endless and unfailing

Like the love of HIM above ...

For God knew in HIS great wisdom

That HE couldn't be EVERYWHERE

So HE put HIS LITTLE CHILDREN

In a LOVING MOTHER'S CARE.

[This message edited by tulipcitymadman at 8:25 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)]