SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One of the biggest mistakes many BS make, including myself, is confronting too soon after finding out. This just makes them take it further underground.

I read a story in a wayward forum, and this one member said that all her girlfriends were cheating on their husbands. They all had secret email accounts and secret cell phones.

You can kick her out---but know this, if the house is community property she has the right to come back and live in the house

If you want any hope of R---kicking her out will just enable her to cheat easier w/out you being able to check on her----so you need to think long and hard about sending her packing

Just move her stuff to another room in the house, and do a very hard 180.

As to how much detail---Many want every detail from beginning to end---down to the tiniest detail---that way nothing is left to the imagination----then and only then can you really start to heal yourself---the visions will be there no matter what----be prepared for a huge battle tween your conscious, and your subconscious

As to confrontation---confront when you are ready, and you think you have enuff to prove that she is ACTUALLY cheating---be cold, and icy---do not argue--do not let her blameshift---in fact don't let her say anything unless you want her to speak----lay your case out, and tell her what you expect for her to stay in the family, if YOU so desire, and then WALK AWAY----she does not get to argue, berate, deny, nothing----This is your ballgame, played by your rules----keep on with the 180, and see where it all goes

When I found out about my W cheating, we lived in the same house, but she was "moved" into her own room. It actually helped me to observe her behavior since she claimed she was sorry, and it was easier on the kids.

Seems like your handling things well, we're all here for you.

Also is it bad to kick her out if I want to work things out later

If I could have a do-over, I would have tried to kick him out much sooner. He in turn would have hit bottom much sooner. Sometimes it helps get them out of the fog or hit bottom or realize just how screwed up they are in a much shorter amount of time and saves future heartache.

Bottom line, if they want to cheat, they will find a way. Mine only cheated during work hours/lunch, always home on time and even let me look through his laptop. Too bad for him that he never knew about the keylogger. This is just one of the hard lessons I learned after he got serious help and made a full disclosure with the help of his therapist: That no matter how much you try to control whether or not they cheat again, you can't. All you can control is YOU, how you will respond, etc.... (We are in a good place now)

Sometimes simply having them stay in another room can backfire. It just helps them justify or hold on to their resentment or eat their cake while sitting on the fence. Just something to think about.

[This message edited by alluringillusion at 9:15 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday)]

Goose-em,

You are getting good advice.

The truth is--it is almost impossible to "prepare" for the discovery. It is earth-shattering no matter what, so don't be surprised if you get floored after discovery.

But you are really being methodical and rational about this--so you have a headstart over many of us here. I know I couldn't wait--and I paid the price for not knowing much. So, kudos for what you have done so far.

Confront your WW just like jnj said--cold, icy, and as emotionless as possible. Do not expect a certain reaction from your WW--it could be anything from immediate sorrow to hating you---she is just too much of a wildcard in this situation.

But the one thing that ALWAYS RINGS TRUE--do not beg, plead, or make any deals with her. This is YOUR SHOW now, and if she wants to R with you, it is going to be under your conditions.

And the conditions will be fair:

NC with other men

Total transparency--access to all e-mail, phone records, etc.

Total honesty

No attempt to R until she shows remorse

We shouldn't have to demand these things from our spouses...they should have always been voluntary--yet here we are.

Keep us posted, friend. You are doing great under terrible circumstances.

Hi Goose-em

to prepare yourself, there is a post her in JFO called tactical primar posted by SerJr with a target as an icon, you should deffinately read that one, its not in the library atm.

I would deffinately recommend seeing a lawyer, it doesnt mean your going to Divource but knowing your legal rights (and responsibilities) can save you a lot of trouble and give you a solid base to make further decisions from.

Collect evidence for as long as you can handle it, the more evidence you have the stronger your possition. It will also allow you to better learn to assess how your W reacts when she lies, as she will almost innevitably do when you do confront her.

Before you confront her go and Buy a VAR, keep it on you when you do the confrontation, Primarily to record her answers, dont expect youll be able to remeber much of what she says, and the confrontation is when her 'story' will be at its weakest. The VAR also protects you should things suddenly get crazy.

Before you confront you also want to make sure that you have access to all of her ellectronic communication, and taken hard copies. They will be cleaned by her at the very first opportunity after the confrontation.

Whilst it is unlikely that you will really know what you want, you can ask yourself some general questions, do you want to try and Reconcile or is this it? If you dont know then IMHO its best to follow an agnostic reconciliation path, rather than burn bridges, whatever you choose be true to yourself.

In the Confrontation itself you can expect her to deny it, then to gaslight and place the blame with you. she will lie about the extent of what has been happening, minimising her involvement, she will re-write your marital history, the most unlikely outcome of all is that she confesses everything. DO NOT EXPECT THAT!!!

She may well swear she is telling you the truth on a bible, or by her childrens lives, or any other sacred thing to you, It may well be best to allready assume that everything she says is a lie, until you can independantly verify it.

Dont provide her with your sources of information, or only reveal as little as you possibly can.

If you use any threats, then you must be prepared to follow up on them. If you tell heer she has to leave if she wont tell you the truth, then she has to leave, and dont let her back until she is prepared to tell you 'the truth' ... in quotes cause its most likely to be a trickle truth...ie just a little bit more and not the full story.

I wouldnt recomend confronting her with the kids around, perhapes if you can time it to coincide with the weekend so that you have time to sort some stuff out without the added pressure of going to work, that might be a good idea.

In general im not a fan of seperating if the aim is to reconcile, however i dont think telling a WS to leave in the immediate after effects of a Confrontation is all that bad, it can bring home the effects of their actions. It also shows that your not going to be a push over.

Wanting to knowing all the details is pretty common, unfortunately some people find this makes their mind movies worse, others find that knowing stops the speculating, which can often be worse than the reality. I assume you havent been through this before, so you wont know how it is with you until you go through it....therefore take it slowly stop with the descriptions the details as soon as you know you have enough.

Its not weird that you havent told her, its unusual but not uncommon, I knew for 4-5 days before i confronted, in those days i gather all the evidence i needed to uncover the extent of my WW's cheating. You will probably find that you cannot stop it from eating you up for too long, sadly your W may not even notice the inner turmoil that your in atm... but eventually it will take its toll and you will need to confront.

Good luck. Keep us updated on how it goes, ask whatever questions you have, come back here for support after you confront her, allow us to parse what she says, were pretty good at spotting Bullshit round here. Know that ultimately regrdless of the outcome YOU will come through it somehow.

The weird thing is right now our relationship is awesome. The past three months we have been going to marriage counseling, church, church group, date night, etc etc. She said this is the happiest she has ever been.

I found out today one of the guys she is texting is listed in her phone under a girls name. And there is HUGE blocks of texts deleted and it doesn't match the phone records. They sent 30-40 texts the weekend I was out of town.

The records she left in there, make it seem like they are just friends. They talk about work stuff, meeting for lunch etc etc. They even play words with friends together *puke*.

How can someone be so in love with me yet be doing these things to me??? It's evil!!!

I am a human being aren't I?

She has NO Clue I know. And I have been playing along, leaving her notes, helping with chores etc etc.

I'm going to drop a bomb on her...if I can wait. It's hard to be in this turmoil but I know it's just the tip of the iceberg.

And trying to work..but it's CRAZY hard to focus.

Sounds like you are trying to avoid the pain by being as mentally and emotionally prepared as possible.

It's kind of like when someone you love is going to die and you know it's coming, but once it happens it still hurts.

Once you see the look on her face you are both going to feel like shit for a long time.

Get it over with if you think you have enough evidence.

Take some time to collect evidence- don't feel bad that you are keeping this from her at this time.

On my DDay I confronted my WH immediately(I was not at all patient) and as soon as the cat was out of the bag, all that evidence that I DIDN'T print out prior to the confrontation, was gone within the hour.

Then he spent the next 2 weeks trying to convince that I had it all wrong... trying to brainwash me into beleiving him.

Trust me, it is hard to hang onto the facts you KNOW when the one that you love is standing there in your face telling you, "baby, baby, baby, it's not what you think"- because in your heart you REALLY want to believe them, even though in your head your know their story doesn't seem right...

I am sorry you are here, but you will find a lot of support and some much needed advice when you just don't know what you should be doing. ((((hugs))))

How do you get through life...when every second all you can think about is the hell??

Am I going to be a walking Zombie?

You are doing the right thing! I got blindsided by my WH's affair (picked up his cell phone from the bathroom to take it to him, and saw a graphic exchange of messages.) I wish I'd had time to gather information.

As for kicking her out ruining chances of R, it really depends. When the A resumed and I had Dday#2, I booted him out immediately. I honestly didn't think I would consider trying R again and planned to contact an attorney immediately. But, the OW throwing his ass under the bus to save HER marriage and the fact that I told him I didn't want him any more finally seemed to snap him out of his fog. I don't regret making him leave at all.

I don't know if that will be the case with you, but that's my story.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. There is lots of support here and really good advice. You will get through it.

Hang tight for a few more days. Yeah, it's hell on earth. I've BTDT. Sitting in a parking lot outside OM#3's house knowing she was in there. It HURTS!

Wait 'till you get GPS evidence. See how it coinsides with her "story." You'll get better GPS info if you can track her phone v.s. her car. She may meet him and leave her car.

Keylogger, GPS and VAR are ALL good sources for finding out...'course if money isn't tight there's the old standby, a P.I. Good Luck!

I know that the first days are horrible. Try to get some sleep when you can- use aides if needed.

Nyquil, Tylenol PM, Melatonin- whatever helps.

Drinks lots of fluids and try to keep yourself from getting too run down. It's hard to think about your health at this time, I know. But it is also hard to think straight when you are exhausted mentally and physically.

Just FYI if you didn't know already: Words With Friends has a private messaging feature inside each of the games. Might be worth looking at some of the older games if you get time with the phone.

Welcome to the site, and sorry she is doing this to you.

Yep, I'm pretty sure she has been texting him through words with friends, while she is laying next to me in bed. I don't know why the world/people have to be so evil.

Maybe they should have another game call "Words for cheaters" Sorry I'm just so mad right now.

Words with friends....that was one of my WS and mOW's things.

I'm sorry. This sucks.

I wish I was smart like you though and had waited. Gather, gather gather. Because just as everyone else said....confronting too soon makes them take it underground.

I'm new here also...but I've read so much. SI has incredible information. I'm only 2 1/2 weeks since my D-Day and I'm no expert. I'm dealing with my 2nd A and I think I learned from the first one. I waited a little before I confronted my WS and was able to get indisputable information to prove she cheating on me for the second time in our 23 years of marriage. We are currently working on R and I hope for the best even though she broke my heart for the secon time. Good luck and I'm glad you found SI...it's a lifesaver!!

I'm new here also...but I've read so much. SI has incredible information. I'm only 2 1/2 weeks since my D-Day and I'm no expert. I'm dealing with my 2nd A and I think I learned from the first one. I waited a little before I confronted my WS and was able to get indisputable information to prove she cheating on me for the second time in our 23 years of marriage. We are currently working on R and I hope for the best even though she broke my heart for the second time. Good luck and I'm glad you found SI...it's a lifesaver!!

Goose-em Reading your story brings me back to my D-day. I am so sorry for what you are going through and about to go through. I am 14 months out and there are days the anger and hurt are so strong its all I can do from completely losing it. Stay strong you will get through this.

We had the....I love you.....But I'm not "in" love with you talk on Oct 13th.

She could have left me then. I did the 180 technique for 13 days(no sex). Then she wanted me back. She said I'm everything she is looking for in a man, smart good with the kids, attractive etc etc. I could feel her warmth for the 1st time in a while..then about 2-3 weeks later..it went back to normal again. Her being distracted, more texts, wanting to have "space" going out more.

Why couldn't she let me GO??

WHY>>>??????????????????????

I've read 15 relationships books, went to church, counseling, chores around the house etc etc etc Basically everything I could do to be a good husband.

HOW crazy is this. I met one of the guys she was texting at the driving range...ON A DATE NIGHT... randomly.

Oh she has been talking to me about "working out of town". Yeah wouldn't that be nice...she could really spend some quality time with her lover. PUKE PUKE PUKE.