SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Don't ever, under any circumstances, tell her how you know anything. You don't have to answer that question. If she asks, you just say "I just know." And count me among those who think she knows, or suspects, that you're on to her. She's probably taking things underground. You may need to dig deeper.

You've kept a good head on your shoulders through amazing stress. This is to your own benefit. You're going to go through hell in the near future, but it really looks like you're going to be able to handle it as well as could possibly be expected. I know that's no comfort at all right now.

Keep posting here. There's enormous collective wisdom, and compassion, here.

yeah you need to find hard evidence, no doubt about that, it shouldn't be too difficult to find with todays technology, once you find everything you need to know you should probably lawyer up ... how can you say you love this skank when she has done all this to you? (yeah you don't have "proof", but its pretty obvious here that she is screwing around) she potentially could have given you an std .. AN STD!! like think about that for a second, you could have been walking around with herpes, HIV, the clap etc. and not even know about it ... personally i would kick her ass out and keep the kids at home, as soon as you have proof and a lawyer on your side, idk how anyone could say they love a toxic human being like this.

im really sorry man

1. Texting two guys way too much. Mostly when I'm gone or she is at work.(videos and picture too).

2. She changed the name of one of the guys in her phone to a womans name.

3. She has deleted huge blocks of text messages.

4. She never mentioned these guys.

5. She had an STD test about 1 month ago(negitive).

6. She seems distracted alot.

7. Trys to make plans to go out at least 1 a week.

8. She feels guilty when I do really nice things for her.

So I have some facts and evidence nothing fool proof.

Bro...i'd say ya got plenty of evidence

When they get STD tests, change names on a cell list from male to female, texting guys, goin' out once a week....theyre seein' someone else....sorry bro....SHE'S DATING!!!!

Time for you to set your limitations...let her know what you will tolerate - AND what you wont....then back it up!!!.....not sure whate kind of evidence you need, bro... ya got plenty..(see that list again)...

My FWW was doin' everything thing that yours is...only she was texting only 1 guy.

Maybe TMI here...but ....one panty check for stains and i knew what she was up too..

Read that list again....

Time to draw that line in the dirt - like Travis at the Alamo......

Your wife is a cake eater....you need to turn off that oven...take away her fork....

You mentioned that her BF is a college kid....no freakin way the boy toy can support her and 2 kids.....find out who he is...he may be married - notify his wife...if he has one...

You do not have to take this bulshit - your WW is disrespecting both you and your marriage....

Do you play chess..??? Dude, its your move!! Set your men up...checkmate!! KWIM???

I have cattle, and if i have a heifer that keeps jumping the fence to visit a bull in the next pasture, she's gonna go to the sale.....and i let my wife that i'll hold her to the same standards.....

sorry to 2x4 ya here, bro....how much evidence do ya need....??

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 12:21 AM, February 25th (Friday)]

Just read some texts to her Friend. They are BAD...

*trying to hold it together*

DAMMIIITTTT>>>

I can't believe this is my life....

Print everything out. Make 2 copies. If you confront now....don't reveal your sources.

HOLY S#$%....I'm in total shock. Going to take tomorrow off...and get a lawyer. Close credit cards etc. This is a nightmare.

what did the most recent text say???

and you're smart man, lawyer up and once you do that, this is what i would do ... listen to everything he says b/c the court of law is very anti male when it comes to marriage, document everything and kick her skanky ass out the house and keep the kids with you

its a shame that people will do things like this to those they "love"

Get a copy of the iPhone backup! If your on a WinXP machine it's located at;

C:\Documents and Settings\user\Application Data\Apple Computer\MobileSync\Backup

Win7;

C:\Users\user\AppData\Roaming\Apple Computer\MobileSync\Backup

and on Mac it's located at;

~/Library/Application Support/MobileSync/Backup

You'll need this for proof of the affair and a complete rebuild of her phone if need be. Also, if it's your phone, jailbreak now, install iLocalis, delete the app, keep the daemon and hide cydia. Evidence, evidence, evidence. Move slow my friend, think, plan, consult an attorney, then act. -K

So sorry this is happening, goose-em. Hang in there. Keep drinking water. You're getting good advice here--preserve the evidence, see a lawyer. And know that now that you have the truth, you can eventually find your way to feeling normal again. It won't be easy, but you will get there.

I live in Nevada..and this is a no fault state. So basically it doesn't matter, if she cheated. It falls under irreconcilable differences. So I don't think it matters if I have proof.

Unless I want to try and prove she was an unfit mother and spend 20K with a long drawn out case.

I'm in Texas, also a no fault state. It still matters when it comes to custody and division of assets.

Hey goose-----Definitely move all money to acct. with your name only-----cancel all her/joint credit cards----if making car payments on car for her----go to auto-club and either put car solely in your name---you pay, she doesn't get to use it---or put it solely in her name---she pays or it gets repo'd

Time to play hardball----don't waste money trying to prove her unfit----just go with a divorce----no sep., just a divorce

Actually one thing you could try prior to spending the money with an atty.----go to the courthouse and get a divorce packet----it might cost 10 bucks or so----leave it somewhere in the house where she has to find it----see what kind of a reaction that brings--

--one way or another you will either wake her up, or you will be a free man soon enuff

The sun will come up tomorrow----maybe not--you will probably get our So. Cal, weather and rain is in the forecast for the next 3 days

Also cheating comes into play if she goes for alimony... So if u think she might want to pursue that then keep gathering!! Hang in there !!

What did u find from the phone back up records?

So sorry to hear that your news was not good. I can relate as we have VERY similar stories. I remember reviewing audio recordings hoping to hear good things and all I heard was her telling lies , bashing me and of course having an affair.

*** Please do yourself a favor and prepare for the flood of lies and excuses and blame shifting to come.

Like you I initially thought it was ME , I must have done some thing wrong so what do I do ... bust my ass trying to be the best husband in the world , even buying books on being a better husband, we went to Marriage counseling together... What was she doing ? ... Still out having the affair. I finally smartened up and went the technology route as well; GPS, VAR, and just plain old fashioned snooping. I was shocked, I mean how could this be we were cuddling in the morning, she was texting me at work at 10:00 how much she loved ME ... and evidence revealed she was giving HIM a BJ at 11:00!! One of the most traumatic things was pulling condoms out of her purse, It was devastating.

The next few weeks after I revealed my discovery she attempted to convince me I was a sick bastard for finding out and I was no better than her because I spied on her ... I thought I was in freaking Bizarro World. She made up every excuse in the world for everything. She said the condoms in her purse were " just a joke " And those recordings of her screwing another man " not what you think " ... It was all just so pathetic, the excuses were as much of an insult as the actual affair.

She never had any REAL remorse , she claimed to be all done with the affair , I gave her some space and eventually checked again and surprise... She was still seeing him.

We are headed for a Divorce , I agreed to mediation as she is afraid of burning up all her assets in a lengthy legal battle, and for the most part has been amicable.

*** In my case things had reached a point of no return with repeated lies and deceit. there is no way I could continue with her, or want to. You also will have to make that choice soon. YOU will have to ask yourself; Is this Marriage worth saving, and can I ever regain a reasonable level of trust with her. The last thing I would think you would want to do is live your life melting down worrying; What she is doing when she is away on " business"?

Hugs to you Bro., you still have a long road ahead but you will get through it. We are here to vent to and support you , we all know how much this really sucks.

BTW I can finally sleep again knowing I have made the best decision. I have a 10 year old daughter and agonized about Separation / Divorce and now understand that seeing her father in a loveless marriage and being used as a dish rag is not a better choice.

[This message edited by tiguji at 11:15 PM, February 24th (Thursday)]

I am so sorry you found out that your wife was definatly cheating on you. It is admirable how long you've been able to hold it together.

You mention going to go see an attorney tomorrow... it's a very difficult trip to make, do you have any family or friend that can go with you? Best advice I've read and used about that initial visit and subsequent relationship with your attorney is that they are not your counselor. You need to try to NOT go into the psychology of why they cheat, or all the nitty gritty details, stick to custody and cost.

You may not be able to see an attorney like you planned tomorrow, it doesn't make you weak if you can't follow through immediately. This is a big shock, you have a child with this woman and I'm sure you were hoping against hope to discover an inappropriate but innocent relationship.

I don't mean to assume anything, I don't know if you plan to divorce or if you are just in shock. If you do plan on divorcing make sure that keep your discussions about custody of your minor child and child support payments. If you have joint savings or checking, now is the time to restrict her access.

She may be able to tell something is wrong with your behavior make sure to clear your computer history so this can be your safe place.

If you do decide to confront her that you found out, say you received an anonymous phone call. This will make her suspicious about everyone who she is around and will make her very unsure about who is seeing her relationship.

I am so sorry...

The next few weeks after I revealed my discovery she attempted to convince me I was a sick bastard for finding out and I was no better than her because I spied on her ... I thought I was in freaking Bizarro World. She made up every excuse in the world for everything. She said the condoms in her purse were " just a joke " And those recordings of her screwing another man " not what you think " ... It was all just so pathetic, the excuses were as much of an insult as the actual affair.

I just read this post, after posting my last response.

The way they react when confronted is just bat shit crazy.

Goose-em,

It sounds like you have now got the evidence that you needed.

If you know that you dont want to continue the M with your wife then there is actually no real necessity to confront her. in fact tactically it may even be advantagous to not reveal you know now, and keep it as a bargaining card in the D negotiations.

If you do want to confront then its not necessary to say how you know. if she asks just say 'That doesnt really matter, I know your cheating and that is what matters' or some variation. redirect the conversation back to the real topic.

youve had advice to seperate your finances, one tip with that is to actually change financial institutions when you do that.

If you feel up to it let us know some of the details, we may be able to give you a heads up on other things to look for.

Awww, Goose-em,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know your head is spinning, your heart is bursting.

Print everything out, you will need the hard facts later after you catch your breath. The evidence may be gone as soon as you confront her.

I am so sorry....

First off you guys are amazing. This advice is really going to help me.

So the software yesterday didn't fully work. It didn't grab any deleted messages. But she missed a few messages to her friend about the guy.

One said" my sunshine tried to plan something for me today but (our daughter) has preschool today...oh well I guess I can't always be available when he wants me!

Text to him saying " my husband is out of town and the kids are at my sisters....what time are you off tonight?"

He makes me feel so good and so wrong"

Texts about her meeting her friend at the gym with the other guy.

Then there were texts about the other guy to her friend

" he didn't text me all day" does he know your there? Maybe your not much of a challege"? " no he has been giving me subtle hints"

She still doesn't know I know because they texted each other yesterday! I put the tracking device on her car this morning. I know at this point I don't need it. I guess I'm still in denial??? Is that normal???

I love the idea about telling her I received a phone call...

I think I'm going to tell her on Sunday or Monday. I'm going out of town one night on Saturday(ski trip)

She is probably so happy I'm leaving so she can spend time with "her sunshine"

I can't believe this woman.....I feel very melancholy right now, the fact that may marriage is over is starting to sink in.

And her evil little bitch friend has known and has been helping this all along...no wonder why she never hangs out with us(family) and acts weird around me. And she was suppose to be all into marriage for life! WTF??? Maybe my wife can crash at her house, when I kick her out.??? I still cannot believe this...