SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She has not said...she will do anything to make it work.

She still doesn't "get it". Until she gets it and shows true remorse - not regret, but remorse - you can't even begin to R.

If she's not even willing to give up her "friend", it does not bode well for the future.

Goose,

First let me say I and many others here can relate to this statement”

Today stings.....my whole body hurts! It's finally starting to all sink in!

I didn't sign up for this....

This is the injustice of the affair, they make their shtty decisions and we get to reap massive negative consequences. We have to sort out the shit storm they create…

So next question, can someone change that is addicted to the "rush" from OM??? It's kind I'd been a consistiant theme in our marriage..attention/flirting from other men. She has always feed into it and seeked the attention out.

I can tell you from being on here, go to the wayward side and read. These are truly broken people with dysfunctional coping mechanisms’. When you feel like nothing, having others tell you your great and using your body to get attention is an easy way to avoid dealing with your Wayward inner demons and issues. This attention seeking is a very common mantra of the WW, they cant get enough of it. It allows them to avoid seeing themselves as they are. And the less th person know them sometimes the better, because those who know them best might just know they are not perfect, or actually know them for who they are. This is my take and story, this explains my WW to a tee.

She is scared right now....unly until she knows I won't leave.....

Damn right and my W knows if she breaks any of our deal breakers it’s a god damn 100% certainty it will happen. She now knows the second part of your statement will never exist now, she destroyed any possibility that I won’t leave somewhere down the road and she has to forever know that that safety is something she destroyed. I now know myself, my strength and my lack of desire to put up with less than 100% from my spouse, if at any point I get the sense she’s not all in, I’m out! So there will never be a time she will know I won’t leave, if she gets complacent tomorrow, I’m out escape hatch A. This took me literally 8 months to finally get straight in my head, and I certainly was'nt there in the first 6 so take your time, find YOU.

It's going to be a full court press....I'm not letting this shit disappear and am going to keep pushing....I'm going to let her pain settle in a little! She spent 6 months killing me! I'm agreeing to nothing and she knows my rules. If she doesn't follow them, she can bounce because I've already lost everything!

Exactly, she lost her say until she gets her shit together and even then its all on your terms and weather YOU want to concede. You have your demands for the relationship either she abides or she is bye bye. That friend of hers would be the first demonstration of how much she wanted me, she would not only go NC with OM I would have her go full on NC with that skeezer non-friend of the marriage as well. And not in a passive aggressive way either, formal written out NC letters to each. Does she want you or a trashy friend. Make her demonstrate the choice; her actions are all you should pay attention to now. Actions speak louder than LIES as I told my WW. And at your stage everything out of her mouth was a lie.

Goose, focus on you. Get your shit together it’s a long road. Lay down your boundaries and hold her accountable.

Were here for ya brother.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 10:14 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]

FIND the OM's BW asap. Tell her. If she kicks him out, things will go one way...if she demands he stop, things will go an entirely different way.

Draw the line for your WW, and stick. to. it.

There's a thread called "Hindsight: What I wish I had Known" on here. READ IT. It will possibly prevent you from waffling for the next few months, years...

180.

180.

180.

And, 1-fucking-80. It. Is. not. optional. And, it will help you get some distance from the situation to see things through fresh eyes, so to speak.

If there is an addiction componant, is it "curable"?

Yeah, it is very possible for people to recover from this type of thing. It takes hitting rock bottom and being willing to do the work to fix what is broken inside them. Therapy definately & possibly 12-Step meetings.

Usually there is some kind of childhood abuse/trauma that leads to these kind of malfunctions.

But...yes, it is possible. There are many people before her who can attest to that.

R???? D?????

You don't HAVE to decide right now. I don't think it's wise to make big life-altering decisions for a while after D-day.

Please try to focus on the kids in your household right now. It will get you out of your own head and they NEED you. Your SD is probably silently freaking out and terrified without having the maturity to cope. Reassure her of your love and commitment to her being completely separate from her mother's behavior.

Our big D-Day was very hard on our kids, but especially on my SS. I let him know repeatedly that I may actually split with his father, but not him! He said he didn't want to leave the house even if his dad didn't. I assured him that I would fight, if necessary, to make that happen. Sadly, my SS tried to carry & take responsiblilty for his father's shameful behavior.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389

Read this.

Great post lordhasaplan. Everything you said totally makes sense.

Goose, (this is my take)she is

scared of you telling the POSOM's W because she is still in the affair-

Likely decided to step back until you settle down and then pick up where they left off.

Your stance is scaring her because it puts that "future" at risk.

Stay strong. You are doing well, brother.

Q

[This message edited by quedagh at 11:46 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]

goose, I have been following your thread and, no offense to you, it makes me want to throw up because your situation is very similar to my experiences in so many ways. I don't want to take your thread in a different direction but do feel compelled to provide the following warning.

You have been through hell so far and it is gonna continue for a while. But, in a day or two or three, you're gonna come down off of this emotional high when things begin to really really sink in. Your feelings of rage and anger are probably gonna turn into feelings of deep depression. The exhaustion from being so hurt and angry as well as from not sleeping or eating right are gonna compound the feelings of depression and sadness.

So, you should begin preparing for that now. I wish I had found SI early on after dday 1 so that I could have dealt with that phase of this nightmare better. What should you do? Continue reading and posting on SI. Force yourself to eat. Take something to help you sleep, if you need to. Make yourself exercise. And, don't be too macho to just let yourself cry.

Hang in there. There are alot of us on here thinking about you more than you could ever imagine. You are not alone. Trust your gut and wake up every morning telling yourself that "today is a new day and what I make of it is up to me".

Goose. . .

If I was in your situation, one of the non-negotiable points for R would be complete confession to a pastor at your church.

Now that doesn't need to be made public to the church -- but she needs what she did exposed. If you need a scriptural reference, check out James 5:16 -- "Confess your faults to one another and pray one for another, that you may be healed."

She has a self-inflicted disease for which she desperately needs healing!

Is her best friend who encouraged the affair part of the church? If so -- the church eldership/pastor should know that do.

I'm not so sure you should tell the OM's BW about the affair just yet. It might work in your favor it might not. If the OM's BW kicks him out, he will be totally available to your W. On the other hand, if she didn't kick him out, he would probably be on lockdown.

I'm not sure asking her to give up her friend is the right thing to do. If I had an affair, I know my friends wouldn't tell my wife. I hate that they know what happened, but your wife is the one that screwed up.

Based on what you said, about your wife simply wanting more passion, I'm inclined to tell you to run.

How old are you? You probably still have plenty of time to have a new happy life with someone that you don't have to picture getting nailed by some other guy.

Dear Goose-em,

You are doing great! As far as your WW's friend is concerned, she is not a FOM (friend of the marriage)and should have no place in your or your wife's life. She must be NC with the other man and also this "friend" forever.

I am praying for you. Take care.

goose-em,

I'll join the chorus: You're doing great. You've handled this far better than I handled my situation.

I told her the bitch friend would have to go and she started crying(she's my best friend)!

This woman is not a best friend. She's not a friend at all. Friends don't allow their friends to destroy their lives. At the very least, this woman isn't a friend of your marriage, and if your WW is in any way serious about trying to R, then she needs to totally disassociate with anyone who isn't a friend of the marriage.

That being said, I honestly share your doubts about whether or not you will be able to successfully R, and not because of you. Based upon what your WW has said, I think she is facing years of therapy to overcome her issues, but there are examples on SI of people who have recovered from much worse. It is a long road, and it's not for the weak.

I should have just said "ditto the message above"!

[This message edited by inabadplace at 12:10 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]

Does she sound remorseful?

By the way my WW does Freelance contact work. Her jobs last 2-7 days long. She has the "option" to work a event or not.

Here is her letter to him. I don't really see the remorse? do you?

I don't even know what to say.... I've dug such a deep hole for myself, I'm not even sure there is a way out. I think you would agree tho... that we can't see each other any more. I'm erasing your number from my phone and I don't want you texting or calling me! I will also replace myself on any jobs that you are on with me in the future!

I'm not blaming you or mad by any means, except at myself. I take full responsibility!!! I'm just doing what is right for my family and yours!

Goose'em, Did SHE write it with no help or guidance? If so, it sounds very promising.

Good luck!

So next question, can someone change that is addicted to the "rush" from OM???

Yes....its possible. BUT, the fog has to lift first...

Affairs are an escape from reality...much like drugs, booze, spending money, etc. The APs derive a "high" from cheating....Affairs are a lie based behavior....they are forbidden, new and exciting....and they are bullshit....discounting exit affairs, they will die with exposure....the sooner they are "outed", the lower the level of emotional attachment the AP will have...

I'm not so sure you should tell the OM's BW about the affair just yet. It might work in your favor it might not. If the OM's BW kicks him out, he will be totally available to your W.

My take on this: They are together now (or at least were). With his wife in on the "secret", she will pressure him to work on his marriage - and get off your wife (pun intended)...when faced with a divorce, child support, alimony, temp support, etc....he'll "throw your wife under the bus"....his wife "knowing" will aid in ensuring that NC is firmly in place, and you have another pair of eyes watching. Your wife will realize that she was nothing more that a "notch on his belt".....and that it was all a bullshit fantasy...

Outing an affair is a huge "reality check"...and your wife needs one - if that fog is gonna lift...

Keep us posted,

Bufffalo

too much blither blather and a huge fail on the 'trying to be noble' blither blather

it's okay as a first draft - there is a good template in the Healing Library, if i am not mistaken

this is about all it should be -

we can't see each other any more. I'm erasing your number from my phone and I don't want you texting or calling me!

(((((goose-em)))))

hold tight, you are doing realllly good, stand firm on your boundaries and watch her actions, i have a feeling that her fear of you outing OM is the main motivation for most of her nice words and feigned remorse right now

Remorse is an action. It is hard to know if she is remorseful in her writing. Taking full responsibility, however, is key. Her remorse will be on her face, in her voice, in her body language.

How is she with your kids, btw? How old are they?

Believe actions and nothing what you read or hear.

Newly found out WS act like a criminal cought and in front of the judge. They swear they made a mistake, take full responsibillity and remorse to get out of trouble and then repeat offend.

The kids at 12(step daughter) and our daughter(5). What do you mean by how is she with them?

She used to be awesome..before the affair started and she checked out. She is still nice around them..and plans things and is taking care of them.

I can tell she is really sad..that she is putting our oldest daughter though this hell.

sending you ((((hugs)))

You have alot of good advice and I know your head is spinning from it all.

You take what you need and leave the rest. Only you know what you can put up with and the kind of life you want.

I am praying for you and your continued strength.

You have amazed me beyond words!

Wish you didn't have to be here..heck, wish none of us were here!

(((hugs)))