SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would think one of the reasons why someone would R is because she is the mother of my daughter?

But what kind of a mother exposes her dad/husband to HIV or STD's???

What kind of a mother cooks dinner at home with her family and then makes lunch for her OM the next day?(and leaves me nothing)

What kind of a mother drops her kid off at pre-school and then fucks other guys????

How is that being a mother?????

How about a trial separation while you check if she's keeping NC, etc.?

Also is she wants to R she MUST give you OM's W contact.

Anyway, you did everything right. It still sucks though.

I feels so good to post on this forum. Just to know that someone is listening and has or is going through this crap.

((((goose-em)))))

You're doing good man, I just want to put another plug in for the Not Just Friends book, I think it should be on your list somewhere if possible.

You're in my thoughts man,... it will get better.

You are right. There is a lot to lose in R. But, with the right MC and ICs, with TRUE remorse on her part (I mean begging, sobbing, kissing your feet remorse, here), it IS possible.

I am NOT quite to a point in our R to feel like I can completely trust him (we've been in MC for a couple of months, he's been NC since November 10, 2010), but I am getting there.

I kicked him out the day I found out it was STILL going on after asking him to stop. It was then that I found SI and learned about 180, NC, etc. It has made all the difference. Also, hiring someone to write up all of the contracts for legal seperation, as well as telling him I am ready to D if he broke NC, all sort of woke him from his fog. He spent a day sobbing to me on the phone, begging me to come back, etc. He kissed me feet, hugged my legs as if he was trying to keep me form leaving. THAT was true remorse. That was what I needed to see and feel to know he was sorry for his fucked up choices and that none of it was my fault.

If you follow through now on kicking her out and separating, IMHO, you will get to where you need to be faster in terms of either R or D. It has been the catalyst for MANY WS defogging. Then again, it has also been the catalyst for D. YMMV

Love yourself enough to not take any shit and do best for you and your kids. My heart aches for you all.

Another question...(you've probably asked her already) How many more OM's?

You have the resolve of a Gladiator and I would be proud to share my foxhole with you! IMHO this one is in the books, game over! Good Luck

I am banking on the Seasoned Vets around here myself...and the remorse of my husband.

It really is possible.

I don't really remember much of the first three months. I didn't really have the foggy husband, either. (Just a little but not about the ow.)

When confronted he took responsibility for all, answered all my questions, offered to do whatever solution I wanted (and he offered the ones he had thought about all ready.)

I didn't have this awful JFO time of making real decisions like you. Truly I am glad I didn't. I don't know if I could have done it alone.

However, You are not alone! You are doing great and I have confidence that whether you two decide to do it together, "all in" or you go it alone....YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES! You will be all right in the end.

Hang in there...keep posting!

Goose,

people R for a variety of reasons, some do it for pratical reasons, some out of fear of being alone and some because they believe they have something special.

There are so many varied reason's and none of them are wrong it is what works for you at the time.

Please always remember you do not need to decide to R or not, for now you need to decide what is your absolute must for her to remain in your life or to just get the F out!!!

I would hold off on the Poly, things are just to new and raw. I had my H do one but it was 8 months after d-day, when I was deciding if I wanted to try to R.

hang in there you are doing great

Good Job Goose.

Keep the focus on you and your self-esteem up. The running and eating are both really good things!

Just know that you didn't deserve any of this and that your WW is messed up. She may or may not decide to face that. Either way, you will do well.

Be prepared for her to waffle back and forth. She is sorry today. But be prepared that tomorrow she may meet up with OM or something like that. Has she agreed to do anything? End the affair? Find another job? Be transparent? The thing I realized is that even though my WH seemed really sorry, he wasn't willing to do what he had to do until he KNEW he was going to lose me. He actually waited until the day before the divorce was finalized. Quitting a job is really hard. Facing what you've done is really hard. If she thinks you will just wait around until she decides that she's done with the affair, she will likely continue it. Just some things to consider.

What are your thoughts on a polygraph test?????

That would be awesome. It would cut though ALOT of bullshit.

Would someone agree to that???

Alot of members here have insisted on it, and have found out alot more or confirmation of it being just one affair. I have read of many, many "parking lot" confessions, where the WS will finally come clean right before going into the polygraph.

I wouldn't even approach that question of a poly yet... here is why...

I would think one of the reasons why someone would R is because she is the mother of my daughter?

You may want to wait and see what she does and whether you want to even stay married to her. You see right now the impact of her CONSEQUENCES are just starting to hit her full on, she will agree and say anything. It's what she actually does that needs to the determining factor of whether you decide to give her another chance.

There are many members who are happily divorced and have great relationships with their children and many that stay married and struggle everyday with the betrayal and living with a doing just enough to get by semi-remorseful spouse.

I think the following post is brings up a very valid point.

If you follow through now on kicking her out and separating, IMHO, you will get to where you need to be faster in terms of either R or D. It has been the catalyst for MANY WS defogging. Then again, it has also been the catalyst for D.

We will support you whatever path you take, just remember the path she takes is of her own choosing. You never have had control over how she was going to lead her life, you never did and no matter what poly or divorce you threaten you never will. Think long and hard if this is the person you want to try to R with, if it is worth it. That being said... I do think the advice the other poster gave about moving ahead with a divorce is good, mainly because it will knock her off the fence to either fight for her marriage or just give up and move on to the next victim.

[This message edited by why2008 at 8:34 PM, March 1st (Tuesday)]

So we talked tonight...she said she has been searching for that "feeling" of raw passion. She said it was like a drug and she couldn't stop her self. She said she for caught up in it and it consumed her.....

She claims she doesn't love him! She couldn't bear that fact that she was going to live her whole life not having that feeling again. The raw passion animal sex.

She said it's hasn't been like that with us(ego is a little bruised).

She doesn't know how I could trust her or love her again after what she did.

She said she will never find what we had again...and that she knows she fucked up. And that our relationship will never be the same.

She said sorry like 10 times!

She agreed to no contact with the OM.

She hasn't offered up what she is prepared to do. I told her the bitch friend would have to go and she started crying(she's my best friend)!

Let the negotiating begin!!!

We will she if she can change for the better..I sill only read her actions not words.

I also told her to leave..this is not the life you want. She wants to be out chasing dudes around instead.

She said it was an escape!!!! Then go I told her!!!!

Escape from what???? Bills? Kids? Sex life? This shit is life!!! You can't fucking escape it! She has been Peter pan for the last six months...and put me and my family through hell!

That fact that they couldn't have each other fueled it even more!

You guys were right about it getting worse before getting better... I got kick in the stomach again tonight.. UGggh!!

This is 100% classic stereotype "game" fodder. She can't have animal sex with you because you're the Christian husband AKA "beta provider" male. Animal sex is reserved for badboy asshole "alphas" who aren't afraid to nail married women or cheat on their wives. Your WW is a walking cartoon, but all of them are. I would guess the biological father of your step-daughter is another bad-boy.

Read up on brain sex. Your wife is addicted to the dopamine rush. Bet she never used a rubber, either. Semen is full of feel good chemicals that get absorbed into the bloodstream, so she surely didn't want to miss out on that.

Stay aloof. Project disinterest in her and start flirting with other women right in front of her. She has subconsciously convinced herself of your low worth as a mate and sex partner (she has inadvertently admitted it) as part of the process of giving herself justification to fuck others. She thinks you can't attract other women. She will go nuts if she thinks another woman is after you.

There have probably been others.

So what is she gonna do, the next time the dopamine rush hits her---you go thru all of the pain/work/suffering to make the R., work---there will never be a guarantee that she won't again lust after some scumbag, that could care less if there is an innocent family that comes with her---you can't lock her in a closet

Getting rid of her enabling buddy cuts off her support---but you can't cut off the cause of her cheating

Ask her, when/if you take her back---how she intends to control herself when the lust hits her again---and it will---after all she is only human

In my head I'm totally prepared to lose her..and I wouldn't blink an eye after what she did.

This my friend....Is WHY you will survive this.

This statement may very well save your marriage if at some point it becomes salvageable.

I too immediately realized that in order to move forward I had to be willing to give it all up.

You have also made that clear to her in the way you are handling things. For instance, when you told her very confidently to "GO!"

Perfect example of laying down the law, and in doing so she may very well begin to defog NOW..rather than 5 years form now.

WTG Goose..

Keep up the good work.

It May pay off sooner than later.

I keep touching my ring finger with my thumb...Where my ring used to be. I have a little bit of a tan line there and a little notch where is fits.

goose-em, that was me too. I actually used to 'play' with my ring quite a lot, tap it against metal hand rails, or turn it with my thumb. The skin under the ring was visibly different to the rest on my finger, and i had a big old notch in my finger where it was. The first few months without the ring i felt sorta weird, and i kept noticing it was not on my finger anymore. But its been a while, and your post just prompted me to take a close look again, the skins now uniform and the notch is visibly gone as well, you can still feel a little one under the surface but its virtually 'healed'.... seems my ring fingers a bit ahead of me in that regard.

Regarding Trickle Truth, In my case with a relatively co-operative WW I was able to get her to reveal enough that i was able to 'come to grips' with her infidelity. In the first month I got the main outline, and a further 4-5 months to fill in the details. Personally I think TT is a reality we just have to deal with. Its very rare for a WS to reveal everything straight away. It takes time for them to learn to trust you with the truth (yes i know thats screwed up, but it is what it is). If you are considering a Polygraph id probably not schedule it in the first couple of months. Give her time to reveal the truth herself. If she turns out to be unco-operative, and unwilling to tell you what happened, then a polygraph is a waste of time anyway, and IMHO youd do well to reconsider your own commitment to the R.

You talk about your fear that you try to Reconcile and then some time down the track she repeats the infidelity. We all have had to deal with that fear. The way i approached it was to realise that if we did Recocile properly and she did the work, did the IC, the introspection, learnt to be honest about her feelings, and we built a new relationship where honest communication was a core element, then its most unlikely that she (or I) would ever succomb to the slippery slope of infidelity. That as long as i didnt let my own personal boundaries erode again that i would be able to call things to a head long before infidelity was an issue. The fear is understandable, but remember the advice of the others, your not going to carry on with the same marriage you had, that is now gone, and gone forever, if you do try to Reconcile you need to build a new Relationship a new M.

Goose-em, your probably going to find that in the comming days weekes, even months your going to have sudden flashes of extreme anger, Its normal, you will need to find a way too vent the presure as early as possible, much better to let it out in lots of little bursts than to let it build up and build up untill it errupts in a catastrophic outburst. Be inventive in finding outlets, I took up running and got a lot of enjoyment out of making kindling for the fire, others will lay into a punching bag, venting here will always get you a cheering squad, what ever works for you. Dont try and stuff it down.

One of the things we all struggle with is how could she lay everything 'we' have on the line for a bit of hot sex? the thing is that its extremely rare that they ever thought of the consequences beyond perhapes knowing that it would be bad if they get caught, they havent considered what it would do to you, what it will mean for the kids, even what it will mean for her own life, all thought of the consequences have been ignored, in much the same way that a smoker can ignore the consequeces of smoking, or some that drives their car way too fast ignores the possible consequences, She was living in the moment, the moment felt good to her, and she pushed any though of the consequences out of her mind because that would have destroyed the moment.

A few have alluded to it, often what we discover on DDay is just the tip of the iceburg, in your first posts you mentioned two men she was txting, It wouldnt surprise any of us here if she was either seeing multiple OM, or had a string of several, continue to dig, one thing i used was to ask my wife to tell me about any other men that i would be concerned about. she would deny there were any, i would drop a name, she would realise i already knew, and then reveal the details to me. Its not an easy game to play, and you have to be prepared to back up your threats if she doesnt talk, but it also got me significantly more information than i had in the hand, It also showed her that i was prepared to be tough on lies, and when she told the 'truth' it was better.

SourCherryDrops just did an outstanding job of laying out some of the more intricate and hard to explain feelings and processes one will go through in this nightmare experience. TT is a reality, and as unfair as it is, them learning to trust how you can handle the mess they created is also a reality. The salvation, if the relationship is to survive, is in the changes to be made. She has to be transparent and willing to get help to find out what led her down this destructive path, and then lead a living amends to you if you choose to R. Some experts question rather venting really helps, but I have read and it makes some sense to me that there is a certain amount of pain wrapped up inside of us, and it has to be expressed. Each time some of the pain comes out you are that much closer to recovery. Not scientific, but seems to match many peoples experience.

WTG Goose!

Yet another thing you have to do is get tested for STDs. Raw animal sex? Then you know they didn't use a condom. All the stuff she probably didn't do for you, for sure she did with him, think porno movie type sex.

Sorry that you're going to be having the mind movies over what she told you.