SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't have much time to post, as things have been moving very fast today, sorry.

Last night after I discovered OM#2, I went to bed. She's awake, trying to hold my hand. I gave her the cold shoulder. I told her that after her minimized confession and very weak no-contact email, that I knew she wasn't telling me all the story. I told her that I berated one OM today, and now I have to berate another one and call another spouse. She completely broke down, cried for an hour before she would even say anything. Panic attack city, couldn't breathe, etc. Daughter awoke from the wailing. Told her bad dream sweetie, back to bed.

Today took DD to preschool and she called in sick. Sent Dad elsewhere. We spent the day talking. She was so broken, back to crying and shaking for much of the day. Took her two hours to compose herself to say anything to me. OM#2 is an old colleague, contacted her recently ("Hi gorgeous"). Been texting and emailing and playing phone tag, she says. Had planned to get together in July but says she knew it wouldn't happen...yea right.

Tells me about #3 and #4, apparently old school mates, both overseas. Just emails and phone calls periodically for years, says she never saw them over the years.

She said she couldn't tell me earlier because it was minimal and I would see it as much bigger than it was, and she didn't want to hurt me. She says it was sort of a fantasy thing, all about getting attention and not about sex or love. Says she has no confidence with her body since childbirth.

She has been a trainwreck. We did lots of hugging and handholding. She wants the marriage to continue. She has agreed (so far) to a polygraph, and just about every other demand. Balking at the STD test because, "it's not necessary, I had no sex," and because of the embarrassment. Says she'll do it though.

Dad and DD returned, so it ended the conversations. I did later remember to ask her when she last communicated (phone, SMS, VM, etc.) with OM#2. She said a week ago, which of course is a lie since I heard her on the VAR yesterday trying to go underground with him.

I didn't say anything specific, but I did say I knew she was lying about something, and that she better tell me. After a long time resisting, and she trying to probe me for info without success, she confessed that she left him a message yesterday. She lied about the specifics, of course (said she told him not to contact him).

She and DD are out of the house briefly. She wondered why I wouldn't say goodbye to her when they left. I simply said, "Just go."

We have a lot more talking to do. Having others around is not conducive to this at all. I have been pretty rigid with her, and getting more rigid as I learn more bullshit. She is offering information, albeit reluctantly, and she knows we're both severely devastated by her actions at this point. I really know what "the fog" is now, and she's very thick in it.

I'm going to continue to press for full disclosure. If I don't get it, I will press the screws and go 180. I'm not backing down. I'll demand she find quarters elsewhere after Dad leaves if she doesn't get with the program.

Thank you ALL for your wonderful support. It means so much to me to have people at my back. I have no one else really to share this truly awful experience with. Your advice has been invaluable.

I bought her "How to help your spouse recover from your affair", should arrive tomorrow.

BTW, DD is 100% genetically mine, no concerns there. I leave it at that without giving TMI.

I'll respond to your comments later. I'll just say that many of your comments are spot-on. Someone said it was like she was living a movie fantasy (can't find it now). It almost seems that way...detached, living a fantasy life.

Thank God for that purse VAR or I'd be swimming in a much bigger lie factory.

Oh CO!! What a strength you have!! Glad that you are getting a confession even if it pulling teeth with pliers!!

You are in my continued prayers.

hang in there! Keep digging because I feel you are only scratching the surface of this. Thank God you had this forum to help you with what is to come. What a wonderful resource this is.

Your doing amazing CO!!! My advise is to get an appointment for a poly asap!!! Tell her it's schedule and that she will take it regardless if she admits more info or not!!

ChoppingOnions, you my friend are The Man. I would never have had the balls to put a VAR in her purse, just lay it in there. You got big,round, hairy cojones, my friend.

Since you already know she's going to trickle-truth you on this, and though I fervently hope otherwise, be prepared to find out it was more than what she has said so far, though I sincerely hope not.

It's so great to see someone really control the situation from discovery to confrontation to confession. This thread should be published as a how-to manual for others who suspect but don't know for sure. I can't stress that enough. I will be adding this thread to my bump list.

Stay strong, bro. You got this.

CO

Your world is crashing, but you are still level-headed. Remind me not to play poker with you.

I only offer this one piece of advice - cheaters lie. They lie and they lie and they lie some more. She will lie on the life of her child if she thinks it will benefit her.

So, for your sanity, assume they all had orgy sex and OM#2 is still waiting to bang her again. Not that this is true, but by assuming it, you will be braced for the "rest of the story."

Finally, once you've regained your bearings, I would strongly consider contacting the betrayed spouses of OM1 and OM2. I hate to say this, but cheaters lie and if you want to know the truth, pressure at the other end of the affair(s) can be an ally. Besides, they deserve to know.

If you want help with a contact letter/call, I am, apparently, an expert at it :(

Hang tough man. And know we are with you in spirit.

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 9:36 PM, June 1st (Wednesday)]

I'll also just add that's she's absolutely flabbergasted at what I know. She doesn't even know it's the tip of the iceberg. I think I've done my homework. I knew all 4 OM's names and had checked up on all of what I could about them before confrontation. I just didn't think they were partners in crime.

She keeps asking me "How do you know all this?". My sources (except the obvious Blackberry) are pretty secure, although she's gotta be wondering how the hell I knew she called OM#2 from her private work office (I didn't reveal specifically that I knew, but she could probably figure it out that I somehow heard her message). Cat's pretty much out of the bag now, so I'm at least a bit less nervous about the snooping.

ChoppingOnions: NICE WORK!

I still get the impression there's truth trickling going on. It's that "ok, yes I did XYZ, but it wasn't so bad because we didn't have sex, honest!" that I have real problems believing.

The hysterics could be over the top acting. I wasn't there so I dunno.

I still think you should go for max spousal and child support. You are in the unique position of inflicting financial pain on her because she's currently the breadwinner.

Show no mercy!

I think calling an individual counselor for yourself would be helpful right now. Don't try to do everything by yourself. IRL contact is really important.

Don't worry about the snooping. I've still not revealed the how and whys to my H. I've said it before, he's a trial attorney and I outsmarted him. Do not reveal your sources. You had every right to snoop, she's your wife.

My H is actually now impressed I cared enough to play Columbo. He didn't think I had it in me. Stand strong!

There was no other way for you to start this conversation. Thinking of you during this difficult time...

Welcome to the suck.

I've been checking in every few days following your story. I am truly sorry you have to experience this. As you have said, many people are spot on with their assessments of her actions and the truth. Not a lot of originality in the infidelity world.

Trust your gut. As long as you feel there is more. There is. At some point you may not need to learn any more of it, but until you are certain in your gut that you know everything....you don't know everything.

good luck to you. Try to take care of yourself and keep your health up. This shit will tear you down.

((CO))

Wow, just wow. I just caught up on your thread. Wow.

You are doing amazingly well. Just remember we are all here for you when you are out of crisis mode.

Well done.

Didn't she say something like "I'll see you soon" to OM#2? It's hard to believe there is no PA, I'm sorry. This sucks.

Wow! I haven't been on in a while, but I skimmed your story and am sending you healing thoughts! Everyone is right. Stay strong.

Yup, "talk to you soon, see you soon." They're banging. More BS, more rationalization hamster, etc. Keep up the dominant alpha mask. At the first sign of beta hurt puppy dog, she will turn vicious.

I understand about the DNA. Sends a nice message to the WW, though.

Onions, you're the man. Hell of a day for you, these last 36 hours. You're awesome. Wish I would have had half your savvy and mental toughness when it counted. Well done.

Well, the no-sex EA-only claim is shaping up to be her TT Alamo. You might get the known BW's on the case, and/or force some specific admissions from the other OM, if you're determined to confront them directly. The lab test you did might give you some leverage, but you'd be revealing methods...

CO you are doing great!!

BTW, DD is 100% genetically mine, no concerns there. I leave it at that without giving TMI.

Well, I am happy (for you) to hear that at least.

Keep strong.

PR

((((CO))))

4 and counting......

Try not to be swayed by her hysterics. 'No sex'??? THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS THE LINGERIE FOR???????????????

She's still trying to buy time, barter her way out of this. You KNOW she's going underground, you have PROOF that she lied about that. How likely do you think she's ONLY lying about that but telling the God's honest truth about everything else? Wanna buy a bridge in Brooklyn??

Don't back down on the std testing - who cares if she's humiliated, what about YOU???? And DON'T reveal or drop any other hints about your sources. Her asking you how you know is trying to sidetrack the conversation so that she can divert attention from the REAL issue (she's cheating and now lying about it) to something completely irrelevant (how you know she's cheating and lying about it). Here's how the conversation might go:

her: How do you know that?

you: It doesn't matter how I know, what matters is that you are lying and I know it. I need all of the truth NOW or [insert consequence here, eg 'we're done' or 'you will move out' or ...].

Then wait. Repeat as necessary.

She is in full damage control mode. She will keep repeating that she hasn't had sex with him/them. You can just keep telling her that she is lying and you know it. (or as another poster said, you have 'mountains of indisputable evidence')

Make the appointment for the polygraph. You don't have to tell her you are doing this, in fact I'd give her very little heads up on this, she could already be googling ways to beat the poly. And make sure that you lay out the consequences for failing. You might very well get more info in the parking lot. You still need to follow through.

And please follow through with the lawyers - the more you consult with, the fewer choices SHE will have (should it come to that). Also, don't move out of your house or take more than half of the money out of joint accounts without discussing with your lawyer. You don't want any of your actions now to bite you in the ass later.

I am so sorry for your pain, but you are doing all the right things to help you determine whether you want to try to save your M or move on without your WW. Hang in there, you've got us behind you.

((((CO))))

(((Chopped)))

I hope you realize odds are she is still not telling all. To be prepared. Those nighties still don't add up at all..

I am glad she is wanting the marriage to work...That is a good sign now to start pulling her teeth to make her tell the truth is another total different story...

I will say her reaction (aside from telling OM2 to lay low for a while) is a pretty good one, some WSs get arrogant and cocky when they are caught - her remorse is definitely a benefit to your chances for R, if thats what you might want to do.

Stay strong chopping!