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Your recent developments managed to trigger me - and it's very hard to trigger me for a long time.

This is exactly what happened to me. Found out but MOM # 2 while she was saying "do not contact me for a while".

She is still deep in the fog. What did I do? After the last one I gave her an ultimatum - she had to tell *everything* and if there was anything missing we were done. Maybe it's time for your utltimatum.

But don't do like I did - I told her what I knew even before the ultimatum. Still, she told me stuff I didn't know yet.

Good luck.

Wow! Okay, first off, sorry for what you're going through. I would agree to at least talk to a lawyer and at least see where you stand legally. I would continue to monitor her. I agree that she did rack her brain and concluded you could have only found things out electronically. You can try the polygraph route. She'll probably baulk at that stating that it isn't needed because you know everything.

You can come back and say, "True and you're probably right. It would probably be a waste of money. However, it would be a small price to pay for my piece of mind." How is she going to argue that?

Keep watching her and keep posting here. Good luck!

(((CO)))

What would the polygraph do that you don't already know?

Deep down, I feel that you are like most of us and want the WS to chose the marriage, the family, be as sick as you are over what is being lost.

When this first started you were unsure if she was. Now you have proof of not just one, but two.

How is the continued digging helping you? Your being there is enabling her to continue. Everything is still perfect. She has you to care for the house and lift her spirits when hard stuff happens and family visits while she plays with secret relationships in a fantasy of want and desire with married OM.

If you want to be in the movies, please consider the role of Rhett and tell Scarlett you don't give a damn and leave.

I'm so sorry, Chopping.

You are AWESOME though on the VAR in the purse.

In my situation, the fact that it continued after I found out (the tip of the iceberg) was all I needed to know. He had put me through the worst pain of my life, and instead of being horrified and sorry, he carried on. That kind of utter disregard for me, downright cruelty, is so NOT a partnership, that I saw no marriage to save.

I'm so sorry.

Most of us wonder if the remorse we see after D-day is real. You have been given the "gift" of the truth. Now you just have to decide what to do with it.

I think you should confront her. Tell her that you know about POS#1 and POS#2. Tell her that it doesn't matter HOW you know, you just know.

Have you considered contacting the BS of OM2?

Please promise you will NEVER divulge your source!

You now have the 'goods' and can go to HR if you so desire.

Me, I'd wreck her. Scorched earth buddy. She's an evil conniving bit#h and needs extremely strong tough love!!

At the very least you can tell her that an ally of your marriage from her office is giving you the low down. That should make her paranoid!!

Also, call OM#1 back and apologize. Then tell OM#1 about OM#2!!

You have to put ALL of your efforts into your daughters safety at this point.

And of course STD's for you. To hell with evil bit#h

and lastly, your wife should get down on her knees and do something else, you know, like pray, and thank God you and I are not best friends!!

OH Yes contact the BS of om #2 get her in on it. Watch what happens... Move WW out of bedroom into guestroom.. Place your VARs in her purse everyday switch off purse and car. Tell her total transparency or you are done.

And yes yes on the lawyer go run fast to lawyer today...

180 her until lawyer is in place and of course don't tip your hand on how you know all this. Demand a printout of company phone. I don't care how but there has to be a way of getting printout of company BB...

Good god Chopped I am sooo sorry. I was hoping it wasn't anything I really was.

I have a male friend and my husband knows him I don't hide anything (he is gay) but he is my bestie for a guy friend.. Honey I am truly sorry and you have to demand more for you and your child... Sooo honey you 180 her until she comes clean or serve her divorce papers.

Look an affair does not have to kill your marriage. But her not owning her shit and working to be a better person can.... Sometimes you gotta push them out of that fog...

Good luck honey...

I'm very sorry CO.

I agree with the above assessments and advice.

However, I did want to point out that many times a cheater will hide a phone # under an alias...ex. WW puts name of someone else (OM2) on the real OMs phone # (OM1). I'm not saying there isn't an OM2, but just confirm the phone # and name.

Again, so sorry.

JC

P.S. after re-reading your post, it seems that my comment is not relevant.

[This message edited by Just Crushed at 1:42 PM, June 1st (Wednesday)]

I'm so incredibly sorry she's doing this. The fact the she knows you know some serious things and she's still trying to have contact with this OM is troubling. I know, because my WW knew that I knew she was having an EA and planning a PA, and she STILL went to see OP one more time. I even got ahold of an email saying something to the extent of "My hubby wants me to stop having any contact with you, but I am not of a mind to comply with his request"!

I finally demanded that she tell me EVERYTHING now, and that if she didn't, and I found out something (and I stressed to her that "I WILL FIND OUT"), then we were done. I gave her this ultimatum as I left work, driving home and calling her from my car, and demanded that she leave immediately and meet me at the MC if she was serious about salvaging our marriage. She did, and fessed up to three meetings, agreed to my conditions, and has been doing most of the right things in the last six months.

I can't tell you what to do. You've received a lot of advice, and I don't envy you your decision, but I do feel that you're finally at your turning point, and are soon going to have to force her hand. DO NOT let her gaslight and minimize any longer.

Onions,

I'm sorry this is sucking worse by the hour. Remember when I said your wife was sounding more and more like this woman I heard on NPR? - http://thestory.org/archive/the_story_910_Angela.mp3/view

Well, now we know why. And then there are the names of other guys from the past in her cell phone. Looks like she really is that experienced at affairs. I think it's a hobby for her. Just like the woman in the interview.

I applaud your supreme ballsiness of putting a VAR in her purse. Awesome. Don't do it again. She will eventually find it and my son tells me that is a possible federal charge and there may also be state charges depending on the state. It's not the same as having one in a car that you own. You've got what you needed from it, in spades, don't do it again.

I think your situation is at the point where you don't need any more investigation unless it's for reconciliation baseline. You just have to assume the absolute worse in the absence of definitive proof. From Day 1 of your marriage. DNA her child, even if everyone thinks she looks like you. Other than that, all you need is a poly.

But you don't need that unless you want to reconcile. Only you can make that decision. Very few hard ass BH's ever come on SI. They don't need to. They're able to just drop the hammer and move on. Think about what you want for your future.

Good luck.

Forgot to mention, you always knew she was going to deny and minimize, which is why you were going for definitive proof. It's amazing how this exposure has worked out, but she's minimizing, just as you knew she would. And still lying her ass off to you.

There you go Chopped............

DROP THE HAMMER!!

(((CO)))

I am so sorry things appear worse than you imagined- but that is usually the case in SI.

As one of the other poster's mentioned start making the rounds of the BEST lawyers- once they have talked to you - even if you do not retain them -they cannot represent your wife. That way if it does come down to that than you will have the pick of "la creme-de-la-creme" and she will be stuck with a lesser experienced lawyer.

keep up the great work - stay strong for yourself and your daughter!

(((CO)))

Sorry you have to deal with this selfishness from someone you obviously loved so much.

Just wondering if you managed to hide a VAR in her purse is there any way you could sneak one into her office or desk? Or have another employee do it? Desperate I know but that's where this situation is at unfortunately.

Big hugs to you! Continue being strong! We are all here for you! ((()))

Anyway, she leaves him a message asking him to not call her cell, SMS, or email for "a while," and to only contact her through her work phone.

JMO....she's still in her affair. She didnt tell him "Its over...lets do NC"......shes still wanting to keep the BF on the side.....sorry bro...

bufffalo

I am so sorry Chopping.. Yes it is painful but you will get through this. Continue to stand up for yourself.

Somehow it hasn't occurred to her that her marriage is hanging by a thread. She only sees it as a setback and will work even harder to hide things.

Maybe you can invite OM#1 and OM#2 to lunch with you and introduce them to each other. All 3 of you can compare notes!