SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

((ChoppingOnions))

Here for you....

I think it's safe to say that for most of us, we want to see remorse so bad, that we accept shows of regret.

Could be our own version of fog, which in reality may be the natural process of denial and bargaining...

I'm not swinging a 2X4 here onions, just a reminder that we do have a tendency to soft-pedal a bit because we want to see remorse...

So no,

She is offering information, albeit reluctantly, and she knows we're both severely devastated by her actions at this point

not...quite.

You are...she's not...yet.

She's only devastated by the outing of her actions - otherwise she wouldn't have told the OM to keep it on the dl.

Remember, remorse is concerned about the devastation to you.

Her action was to minimize damage to herself. That's regret.

Watching the show of tears, the multiple 'I'm sorrys'...you're very strong!...but keep palerider's alpha cloak in mind...stay strong!

It's a good sign that she's amenable to the poly, though dammit, she probably is googling how to beat it...sigh.

When this settles out, one way or another, I'll send you a case of these

Good Job CO..

SO sorry...

It's much worse than you imagined I'm sure..

At this point..

It's NONE of her business how you know..what you know...

SNOOP ON my friend.

She can wonder til the cows come home!

Hang in there..

I think she's lying through her teeth about no sex. As a member of the female species, let me just say you don't pack a sexeh nightie unless you plan on putting out. Just saying.

and you don't say "see you soon" to OM2 if you (sort of) plan to see him in July.

Hey Chopper,

You ROCK! It is to your extreme benefit that she thinks you are clairvoyant. I am so impressed with how you have handled this terrible situation. Stay strong, and I am rooting for you.

Hugs to you, CO!!

I have been following your thread and have to say how amazing your diligence has been!!

And now it is paying off!

I don't normally give advice but I will agree with other posts on 3 points:

Talk to as many lawyers as you can..it shuts them down for her.

Where I live it is community property state so we can only take 1/2 of banks accts..otherwise it will bite us in the ass! Just an FYI.

NEVER, NEVER reveal sources!!! My FWH, to this day, does not know how I found out as much as I did (which probably wasn't the total picture).

STAY STRONG!

Like Storyhour said - she's lying through her teeth about no sex. you're getting trickle-truthed to death here.

And believing what they say it is a very easy trap to fall into, because we WANT to believe them. Nobody wants to believe the one person they loved and trusted above all others is capable of basically being such a piece of shit.

Speaking from experience:

- she's lying about the sex

- she does NOT have remorse - only regret right now

- she will say ANYTHING to cover her ass

- NEVER REVEAL ANY SOURCES

- i repeat - NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES

- kick her out of the bedroom. She does not have the right to sleep in your marital bed right now.

- I think she only agreed to the poly so readily because she thinks you will either not follow through with it, didn't really mean it, or will decide not to do it because she WAS so obviously willing. Call her bluff on this one. Make the appt for it, but don't tell her about it. Just get her in the car and drive her there. Surprise!

Right now, there is one good, simple way to tell if she's lying to you...........it will be when her mouth is moving.

Stay strong.

Yeah, she agreed to the poly because she doesn't believe you'll do it. I mean, she's thinking " Who does that sort of stuff?!?"

I read a story on here once where a wife agreed to a poly and she stuck to her story. The day of the poly she was nervious and she confessed to everything as they were sitting in the car and he was about to put the key into the ignition to go to the testing site. It does work.

CO: so sorry you are going through this. I agree with others, she is still lying, rest assured. I honestly don't think that a WS involved that deeply in one A, not to mention 4, even has the ability to tell the whole truth. It became a way of life for so long, I just don't think its always possible for there not to be significant TT.

Even if she is 100% dedicated to R and gets into counseling and everything else, I can almost guarantee there is still more to come. At best, as she comes down to reality and shows true remorse, as she works on herself, she may willingly offer up more TT on her own, but its pretty much a given that there is more to come. Much more.

As reallyscrewedup7 said, she will promise on her child's life (mine did) that she is being truthful. My FWW came clean about another previous A on her own after 4 months from dday. The whole time from dday she was working on herself, showed true remorse, and really was a model fWS, but she kept the other A for that long and swore on our DS life that there was no more. She also had the same crazy antics on dday with the crying and yelling and so on. Its because the fantasy has crashed down on them and reality has smacked them in the face. Suddenly they realize that they are likely to lose it all. So even if on all outward appearances she is remorseful and digging deep in IC for her issues and totally committed, the demons that were that old way of life will not leave immediately. There will be lying and TT. I will say though that if your WW commits herself to a new life by taking the long road self healing and healing the M, she may be redeemable. My FWW was/is. She has changed so much in 6 months.

The main thing here is that you have to focus on healing yourself right now, the pain you are going through is horrendous on many levels. Take your time and don't make hasty decisons. That was the one piece of advice that made all the difference to me. On dday and the month following I had one foot out the door. I read on here to give it 6 months before doing anything. I did and now im happily in R with a changed FWW. That may or may not be your case. It all comes down to this now: what you want and how much she wants to prove to you in her actions what she wants.

Mine too swore on hus childrens and grandchildrens lives that nothing was going on. WTF!!!

When asked now why he did this he says he was so crazed by me finding out that he would have said or done anything in that moment!!

Your WW is scared, rally scared...

You are my hero

She keeps asking me "How do you know all this?".

Your response should be, "why, so you can more easily cover your tracks?"

What difference does it make how you know?

What's important is what happens from now on.

Hey CO - remember this from a while back?

I was told by her today that she was meeting a former coworker after work for a couple of hours. She returned with a gloriously detailed description of their encounter, catching up and all. The time that she was gone, I later discovered on my own, happened to coincide with an event that she regularly attends annually (something of a special interest/hobby of hers). One of her best friends happens to call the house and leave a message. Now, I missed hearing the message, but WW and BFF both have an enthusiasm for this festival of sorts, and it's unusual for her to call except on the weekends (and while this event is going on - today and for the next couple of weeks). In retrospect, I'm almost certain that she went to this event with her best friend, instead of seeing the "old friend". Unfortunately, the VAR battery crapped out and I missed any proof. When she found out there was a phone message from her friend, she got a bit flustered and deleted the message after hearing the salutation. I have no idea why she would be deceptive about this, since I expect her to go to this every year.

I do know that today's event was definitely not an affair related thing, but this is clearly a problem and is likely more pervasive than I realized.

Now that you know about OM 2,3 & 4. Do you rethink the above?

Hang in there, CO.

You know the saying that it has to get worse before it gets better---well, you are approaching the end of the worse...and only you can dictate how soon until it gets better(for you).

Thundersdad wrote:

CO: so sorry you are going through this. I agree with others, she is still lying, rest assured. I honestly don't think that a WS involved that deeply in one A, not to mention 4, even has the ability to tell the whole truth. It became a way of life for so long, I just don't think its always possible for there not to be significant TT.

That is spot on.

The important thing for you to remember right now is that whether she is remorseful or not, there is lying going on right now. I do believe when you are THAT DEEP into the affair fog, it is virtually impossible to come clean all at once.

It's not impossible, but very improbable.

That is why it is IMPERATIVE that you stay uncompromising in your demands right now. The colder and matter-of-fact that you can do this, the better(I know--much easier said than done). Keep reminding her that only the truth has a chance at saving this marriage. That you will not back down. That you are going to verify everything. That you will put her through as many polys as you need to feel that you have the truth.

Let her know that you are convinced and have accepted that it has been physical. That as bad as that is, there will be virtually zero chance of saving the marriage if she denies and denies...only to find out later that it was indeed physical. She has to be convinced that the truth is the ONLY chance towards possible R.

I know it is tough to keep pace with hundreds of responses, but know that we have got your back...and are going to point out any irregularities that come to our minds.

Because sorting through the shitstorm is one of the hardest things to do.

+1 @Spirit13

BFF = her partner-in-crime, possibly even an OW (at least in the "lipstick lez" theatrical sense) if the rabbit hole goes as deep as I suspect...

ETA Phoenix' take below = also reasonable & probably a lot more palatable, if BFF & WW weren't together that w/e...

[This message edited by Silencio at 3:05 PM, June 2nd (Thursday)]

Damn, Spirit13 is right.

I would bet money that WW was off somewhere having sex with OM.

It is likely her friend was calling to ask where WW is as she was not at festival.

The fact that WW was so descriptive about what happened over drinks including what was said is a red flag. I mean especially if co-worker is not a friend of you!

Would you be so descriptive telling your W if you met with a coworker she doesn't know? Maybe if you were hiding something.

IMHO you might want to check bank statements and phone records for that day/evening again.

For your own protection you should assume she has had sex and likely unprotected too.

PR

I read a story on here once where a wife agreed to a poly and she stuck to her story. The day of the poly she was nervious and she confessed to everything as they were sitting in the car and he was about to put the key into the ignition to go to the testing site. It does work.

I have been here at SI going on 3 years......we see this alot. Lots of confessions are given in the polygraph parking lot.....dont believe the "no sex" crap....shes humpin' your leg (and OMs)....sorry bro...

Remember this aint your fault.....demand IC for WW - need to find out WHY she cheated in the first place...

keep us posted...

Bufffalo

I have to be brief, still entertaining Dad here.

Called OM Idiot #2's wife today. She was in quite a bit of shock and some denial too, but she's going to confront him today, and share anything she gets.

WW is purging some very old emails between her and some other men on her personal email account. Too late for that since I've had copies forever, but it's telling.

Still lying to me about going underground with OM#2. She thinks now I might have gotten the information about that phone message from OM2's wife, rather than the VAR I used. This is good (source protected).

She is very deep in the fog. She's now resorting to buying me expensive tech toys. Told her I want a faithful, truthful wife, not an iPad.

BTW, OM#2 lives in another state. He's not around, and I know they haven't seen each other face to face in years. They were planning to get together in July (I've seen the texts).

With regards to the lesbian thing, she says it was not true, that she was just trying to be interesting to OM#1 (very probably the truth, but I'm keeping an open mind about EVERYTHING at this point).

I already verified previously here that the evening with BFF vs. "old friend coworker" was legit. She was with old friend coworker as I have receipts and emails attesting.

Forgot to mention that her excuse for the nighty was that she takes it on all of her trips, since it's compact in a suitcase. I'm a bit skeptical at that answer.

Everything is so disjointed with company in the house. My dad leaves Sunday. Going to look into polygraphs.

Sweetie CO honey for a woman how much room does a pair of shorts and tshirt take up?? Really?? Or I have a silky night shirt thingy not a sexy lingerie. There is a dif there. Lingerie is one thing all sexy and turns daddy on. The nightie is a nightie ok and shows a little leg but Other then that it is what it is a nightie... Not buying the compact story. Now I would buy "It made me feel sexy so I like to wear it." story. I like to wear sexy lingerie under my clothes tap shorts and matching tops in the winter. Because it makes me feel sexy...I would not take sexy night time lingerie with me for a trip out of town unless my man was with me. JMO..

Well she is now realizing what she did and just how much she has done over time..

I wonder what OM#2 wife finds out. Good for you letting her know..

You are one strong person CO!!

If you don't want the iPad, I'll gladly take it off your hands.