SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Chopping,

If body image distaste post childbirth is your wife's current 'reason', what was her 'reason' eight tears ago?

Okay, I'm jumping in here with a slightly different tack. First, I agree that you very well may find a lot more dirt. And you very well may be able to find it in yourself to still hope for R(econciliation). That is your gift to give if you can and choose to.

I was in a similar place. I'm older and my kids are were older before I discovered my fWH's affairs, EAs and PAs. He TT for a LONG LONG time. YEARS. And there was no way to heal while that was going on. His own guilt kept us from being an intimate couple and I always had a niggling doubt about the truth being out there.

We are now well on our way to full R, largely because he is totally transparent, fully remorseful, and is completely able to still hear my occasional vents. We both have IC and he is in treatment for Sex addiction, btw, but that is neither here nor there.

There is hope, but only once you know ALL the truth. Until you do, neither one of you will have any chance at peace. This is something SHE needs to know.

She has been assigned to find MC for us

I honestly don't think you should be assigning anything at this stage, as acting under instruction is not the best motivation, as Alex will attest. And agreeing to MC is premature, again only IMO - it suggests to her you think there is a marriage worth counselling. It may be... But perhaps she needs to be left in some doubt, at least until after Sunday.

Hi CO,

I couldn't help but post after reading what you suspected was a helpful tip for the rest of us: Give them an ultimatum they can't refuse (may not be your exact words)

Let me say this as clearly as I can:

This is not so. This is something so many of us have done, thought successful, only to find out down the road, WS said as little as necessary to keep on keepin' on with the "other life", the fantasy. It is so sad, and you would think, unthinkable. But, the WS relies on our weakness: that we will do anything to keep our family together. We play the strong role, the heavy hand, but as soon as that ultimatum is past, they either take things underground or take time off to let the dust settle and recover their tracks.

Be careful. This woman has been living a lie for at least EIGHT years! She may even believe her lies at this point.

Be careful. Be wary. Don't back down.

CO,

There really isn't anything to add to your last post. Your mindset and gameplan are dead on.

You are going to start experiencing more ups and downs. You now for the first time have a mixture of gathered evidence and admitted evidence. This makes it that much more confusing.

But the way to get to the bottom of it is with the belief that there is more...much more. If you attack it this way, you will not be veered off course by the belief that you now know everything.

Someday you may feel that you know all that you need to know. But now isn't that time---I know I don't need to tell you that. But this is a lengthy process. You can't even think about the possibility of R without all the information.

Continuing like you last mentioned is the best way to find out all you need to know. Remember--NO COMPROMISE.

You are in an all out war for your marriage---take no prisoners.

Another trying day, particularly because I didn't sleep last night at all, and I had DD and grandpa in tow.

WW sent a NC letter to OM#2. Sounds like the idiot caught hell from his BS because in his reply he asked for one phone call to obtain information on the discussion between his BS and me, and for "general damage control." Sorry, buddy. I tried contacting his BS again today but she didn't go to work. I left a message that I have more info for her. I feel sorry for his wife and kid.

Her copy of "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" arrived today. She read it in one sitting. She seems to have a grasp of the impact of her deeds, and how wrong they were. I sense her remorse is genuine. We had more good discussion. She wants to save our marriage, but says the decision to reconcile must firstly come from me alone. She's willing to follow through on all requests. She still says she's cleaned her conscience with me about her affairs. No new revelations today, and I haven't caught her in any more lies or efforts to hide. I haven't mentioned the polygraph again, but it will happen in the near future.

I hear your messages about this possibly being the tip of the iceberg, and having been on here a while now, I well know the chances of that being true. I again reiterated to her that if we reconcile and I later find out about other deceit, that all efforts to reconcile will be destroyed, we will be back to square one, and our marriage will end. She is well aware that I'm pretty good at finding things out by now. I hope she doesn't take that risk.

I don't really know how long I should keep her on her heels in terms of finding out the truth. I guess at least until the polygraph result. I don't need every nitty-gritty detail, just want to know how far down the rabbit hole goes. It's a difficult balance between scolding someone for their misdeeds and at the same time trying not to completely destroy them as a person and their self-worth.

I remain cautious but hopeful.

P.S. A bit of story on the purse VAR will shortly be in I-tips, since so many were interested in how I pulled it off. That, I have to say, was my saving grace.

CO ~ Like you, I told my H if I uncovered more, that he did not disclose, we were done. Well, now I have. I don't want my marriage to end, but the rabbit hole is very deep and each new discovery brings me back to my knees. Be careful what you threaten unless you intend to follow through. I don't really want a divorce, I know you don't either. So what to do?

I am happy your wife is remorseful and wants the marriage to work. You have a long, hard road ahead but, at least, you're finally on that path. Your patience was extraordinary and your VAR story - brilliant! Wishing you good luck on your road to recovery...

It's a difficult balance between scolding someone for their misdeeds and at the same time trying not to completely destroy them as a person and their self-worth.

You don't have to lift a finger, the WS has already toileted their self-worth.

Though I've discovered a new side of me full of ventalicious snark :)

and understand what you're saying,

the dynamic I see from the remorseful WS's on this site is the opposite;

They themselves struggle mightily with what they've done - knowing they are the ones that did the destroying, and they bend every ounce of their energy to rebuild.

Interestingly enough, often, it's the R'ing BS that helps in the rebuilding...

just a thought for future reference, if that's the way this goes...

onions)))

ETA:

otoh, just stumbled across a tagline from one of our resident sages (WAL)

"BS's spend way too many years fixing problems that only existed in the cheating mind of their WS."

ymmv

[This message edited by jjct at 8:34 AM, June 4th (Saturday)]

Just sending love and prayers. I wish I had been like you so many years ago, you are handling yourself and your family better than you know. I pray you get some sleep and peace.

Gracee

It's easy to read unintended meanings into words here, so if I've got it wrong, apologies.

But I was interested by what you have said.

I understand her willingness to comply with your requests. Essential.

Are there other things she thinks she needs to do (and volunteers) as part of the R? It just seems to me that the R needs to be more than just responding to requests (which may be my misunderstanding of what you've written and your intent).

I wish I had had the nerve to insist my h give me the passwords to his two phones and his computer right from the time I found out there was more than 'friendship' going on. It would have saved a lot of time. Sure he could have used payphones but that isn't the same as texting someone up to 50 times a day like he was.

No sage advice. Just ((((CO)))).

It will be a rocky road (great understatement there!!) Don't forget that you don't always have to be stoic for us - we are here to lean on!

Just one comment.....the details you want now...may change up the road.

Not wanting nitty gritty is where i started..

That changed eventually.I wanted every single disgusting detail.

I have some..not all...still waiting for the memory to return.

My FWH has blocked out lots of details....as time passes i'd imagine it gets harder to recall those details..

Keep that in mind.

I am so sorry you are going through this, Chopping.

Even though all the evidence pointed to at least one EA/probable PA, and everyone here at SI was sure she was involved in A, I am shocked and sickened by the reality of what your WW has been doing...for at least 8 years. I am so sorry and sad for what you must be feeling.

Don't believe her that she had one PA 8 years ago. After crossing that line, there would be no reason to not do it again, whether with the same man or others, since it becomes easier with each encounter. You don't go from sex back to just intense flirting. It goes from flirting to sex with each AP. She is desperate to only admit or confess to what she believes you already know.

You are doing great with your natural 180 response, holding your sources close, and holding her feet to the fire. Remain hopeful, but as you already are doing, don't let yourself get caught up in her fantasy that she is truly remorseful. She is just scared and upset that she got caught, and her selfish "me" centered world is falling apart.

Now to one of her explanations for her bizarre emails: She talked about lesbian affairs to make herself seem more "interesting" to OM?

This statement seems very strange to me, but I can't figure out exactly why. Why would she go through such contortions for a MM who she feared didn't think she was interesting enough when she already had someone waiting for her at home who though she was Superwoman? She definitely has some serious issues.

Her statement also makes me wonder if she wasn't the persuer/trapper trying to figure out what "bait" her prey (OM#1) would go for?

Hang in there,CO. The worst is yet to come, but you are strong, you know who you are, and what your values are. You will be alright.

Now to one of her explanations for her bizarre emails: She talked about lesbian affairs to make herself seem more "interesting" to OM?

This statement seems very strange to me, but I can't figure out exactly why. Why would she go through such contortions for a MM who she feared didn't think she was interesting enough when she already had someone waiting for her at home who though she was Superwoman? She definitely has some serious issues.

I agree she has issues but I really don't think this is worth focussing on at all. It's clear to me from the messages we know about that she wanted the buzz of keeping him interested but didn't want to get too explicit, because some people just don't feel comfortable doing that. The 'other women' comment is just an alternative way of titilating him.

I think it's a complete red herring to focus on this. The issue is she was flirting and titilating him and this is just an insignificant detail of that.

GingerBird is correct. The whole lesbian thing is a nothin-burger.

She seems to have a penchant for lots of mistruths and exaggerated stories, which appears to be designed to make her seem more interesting or unique. I think this is one of them.

Things have calmed down considerably after the hell that was 3 days last week. Dad has gone home, so we've had a bit more time to spend together.

She seems to be doing the right things. She blames herself. Lots of apologies. She's been open to my questions without confrontational behavior. She's looking into IC to get to the root of why she did these things. She hasn't attended a single event at her festival (which is astonishing), favoring spending time at home with family. She's gone above and beyond in terms of the household workload.

She continues to assert that all of her misdeeds have been expressed to me. There's been nothing suspicious to hint otherwise, so far.

OM#2's BW hasn't been to work since last Thursday. I hope everything is OK with her. I still haven't talked to her since I found out it was a PA, not just EA.

Trying to arrange a polygraph.

CO, glad to hear things have calmed down. Did she ever admit to telling OM2 to lay low from her office phone? Until she admits to this freely, she is just humping your leg.

CO

I am glad to hear you have hope. Let me tell you, you have been textbook. If every BH had the pair that you have, there would be a lot less pain in our worlds.

I am very impressed how you have taken charge. I know you are hurting. Believe me. I know you are still reeling, but you have been confident and strong and clear in your thoughts.

Score one for the good guys!

"She's looking into IC to get to the root of why she did these things. "

Expect that to be a long and difficult road which may not yield definitive answers. However, if she works hard at IC and has a good therapist, she will learn a lot about herself that will shed some light on why she behaves and acts as she does.

You may want to consider IC too. If nothing else it's great to have a totally confidential sounding/venting outlet.

BTW: Has she provided all of her passwords/pins , etc.?

Well, things just got interesting again. OM#2 BW called me this morning. She had confronted him last week after our call and he basically lied through his teeth to her. She felt confident that the issue was resolved.

I told her about the PA. She was devastated. I feel terrible to have to bear such news to her. She agrees to continue to share information.

Called WW and told her. WW is now upset because of the impact to the BW and their marriage. Then, Idiot OM#2 calls her cell while I'm on the phone with her, leaves message saying he's breaking NC because I'm now interfering with his marriage and he wants my number so he can "fuck with me." Lovely guy, it seems.

Thinking about sending his BW a copy of the message, in which he basically admits to the A. I don't want to get too deep into their stuff though, not really my concern. WW is asking me to leave them out of it.