Newest Member: Chickenhawk

Just Found Out :
Before You Say Reconcile...

default

brkn_heartd ( member #30396) posted at 5:47 PM on Sunday, February 2nd, 2014

Bump

Me-57 BS
Him 65-WS
Married 38 yrs, together 40
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

posts: 2093   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2010   ·   location: Northwesten US
id 6667914
default

annb ( member #22386) posted at 1:34 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

Bump

posts: 11269   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 6671896
default

william ( member #41986) posted at 2:17 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

maybe a bad place to post this since it appears the thread gets bumped often but questions rarely get answered.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE IN "R" OR GETTING TO PLACE WHERE YOU CAN START "R"?

in aug 2011 my wife and i stopped having sex and our marriage dissolved into silent hostility with each other.

from sept 2011 to april/may 2013 my wife had

- a ONS

- MULTIPLE sexting/pic exchanges with multiple guys, starting and stopping in fits and sometimes restarting with new guys or the previous ones.

- a LTA EA/PA

- another ONS

- in addition she was secretly drinking extremely heavily (almost a liter of hard liquor a week)

in between april and may she ended everything with everyone, voluntarily, and quit drinking. she says she had an epiphany. she also stopped going out at night. she hasnt been out since then except to things/places that are "okay" and easily verifiable (for instance a pizza party for my daughters class in which i was also there).

i didnt know about the affairs or the drinking until a few weeks ago so this was a truly voluntarily action.

in june we agreed to try to fix our marriage. she admitted to having an EA with her long term EA/PA but denied any PA. the stereotypical false R.

we fell into difficulties a few months later. never as bad as before but definitely trouble (sparked by my getting her pregnant and an abortion - yes, it was me, yes .. im sure).

a few weeks ago she admitted to the PA and the sexting. the next morning she admitted to the two ONS.

since then she has

1: NC with all of the guys and everyone associated even slightly with them (hang out in same club or friends or whatever), and NC with every friend that knew about the affair (she kept all but the LTA secret from them).

2: actively shows remorse by every indicator listed in the list (except trying to figure out exactly WHY she had the affairs, there i get "im bad", "im broken", "my parents have always told me i was a POS", "i didnt think you loved me", etc. all of which may be reasons why she was vulnerable but not really a "why" an affair). ive basically had a nervous breakdown and shes been taking care of me, handling more around house, etc.

3: completely transparent - all passwords, account info, phone access, etc. answers any questions. reveals details i could never otherwise have found out about. i do get "i cant remember" exactly (for instance, oral sex with last ONS or not = maybe, i am not sure ... which may be the case or may be also trying to shut it out of her mind or may be she is trying to "spare me" ... but she swears she cant remember).

4: no lies (that i know of) about anything.

5: agreed to all boundaries.

so. a few weeks ago.

is this an R or steps leading to an R or is it something else? is this too soon to even be considering it an R? i have great difficulty in figuring out exactly where we are.

i read above that its cringeworthy to read JFO are in R. i trust this site and the people here ... so how do we know if it is an R?

[This message edited by william at 8:28 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys

posts: 2162   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2014
id 6671948
default

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 3:49 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

bump

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18985   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 6672063
default

yearsofpain25 ( member #42012) posted at 7:46 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

bump

"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

posts: 4517   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Northeast US
id 6672455
default

yearsofpain25 ( member #42012) posted at 6:00 PM on Thursday, February 6th, 2014

bump

"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

posts: 4517   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Northeast US
id 6673819
default

Gardenerinpain ( new member #42323) posted at 7:35 PM on Thursday, February 6th, 2014

After reading the difference between Reconciliation and Rugsweeping, I am cautiously hopeful that after 2 years of rugsweeping I am finally seeing signs of REAL R.

Thanks so much for this.

Me: BS 61
He: F?WH 72
OW: 70
Married 33 years.
DDay March 2012
Separated since September 2013.
Trying to reconcile.

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley

posts: 40   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: South
id 6673963
default

Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 7:46 AM on Saturday, February 8th, 2014

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6676400
default

kernel ( member #27035) posted at 1:40 AM on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014

Bump.

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

posts: 5379   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6680044
default

yearsofpain25 ( member #42012) posted at 8:46 PM on Wednesday, February 12th, 2014

bump

"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

posts: 4517   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Northeast US
id 6682833
default

Kitty70 ( member #41939) posted at 3:12 PM on Saturday, February 15th, 2014

bump

Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

posts: 98   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2014
id 6686974
default

Simple ( member #18814) posted at 8:45 PM on Wednesday, February 19th, 2014

bump

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

posts: 942   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2008
id 6692637
default

Breezy150 ( member #42421) posted at 12:28 AM on Thursday, February 20th, 2014

Thank you so much for this. It is a great place to see it all at once.

I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo

posts: 544   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2014
id 6692929
default

norabird ( member #42092) posted at 5:00 PM on Friday, February 21st, 2014

bump

Sit. Feast on your life.

posts: 4324   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2014   ·   location: NYC
id 6695481
default

Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 4:42 AM on Saturday, February 22nd, 2014

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6696538
default

hard_yards ( member #23549) posted at 6:16 PM on Tuesday, February 25th, 2014

bump


I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2009
id 6700754
default

norabird ( member #42092) posted at 5:15 PM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014

bump

Sit. Feast on your life.

posts: 4324   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2014   ·   location: NYC
id 6708325
default

Mommato5 ( member #42624) posted at 5:45 PM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014

Following thread

Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

posts: 80   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Minnesota
id 6708380
default

castellana ( new member #42609) posted at 6:04 PM on Monday, March 3rd, 2014

Thank you! I am confronting him tomorrow and have no idea what to expect.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Colorado
id 6708427
default

Lyonesse ( member #32943) posted at 11:20 PM on Saturday, March 8th, 2014

bump

Me: BS, 40's.

posts: 1956   ·   registered: Jul. 29th, 2011   ·   location: West Coast
id 6716001
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20211022 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy