SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband was a functioning alchoholic through most of our marriage, most of the time I didn't know he was drunk (or cheating).

By the time I found out about one affair he was just about defeated. It seemed as though he felt a burden had been lifted and he wanted to tell me everything.

He went straight in to AA and does both group and IC. I think he just has an addictive personality, (Porn Women, Alchohol, Work) you name it he does it too much.

He was sober for about 16 months and going to about 8-10 meetings a week.

One day I get a text from him asking if I want to drink with him that night? I could have killed him. So I had to confront him and sure enough he was drinking for about a week. I don't know how I missed it. Then I find he is texting OW.

I have been to alanon and I did enjoy it. But the thing that came across most to me is there is nothing we can do for them. They have to want to stop. All alanon can do is keep our sanity and teach us to deal with our feelings.

His sponsor gave me a reflections book about living with an alchoholic and some of the readings start about growing up with alchoholic parents, which I did not do, but I can see how I react or try to take care of him the same way.

We are trying R but some days I find it so hard I am in the middle of 5 love languages, it is a good book, but forgiveness is so hard.

I hope some lost will try Alanon it does help me.

Hugs and best wishes,

Ana

[This message edited by ANA70 at 2:14 PM, October 10th (Monday)]

I belong here to. My IC told me to go to alanon not because he was an alcoholic but to help build me up and become stronger.

My Bipolar son who has also been addicted to drugs and alcohol told me my H is a functioning alcoholic. So I have looked it up and done research on it and yes I believe he is to.

He was raised in an alcoholic home and admits to abusing it when he was younger. Now he is defensive when how much he drinks is mentioned.

At first I thought he was drinking so much because of how guilty he felt having had an A and lying about it. Actually that was pretty silly of me. He drinks what because he likes to and he drinks more than I know.

Now I have to rethink about the future. First he cheated, lied, second he keeps secrets even now and last he an active alcoholic who I believe is getting worse.

So now what?

Dallas2 so sorry to hear it.

It is easy for us to be in the dark. Much harder to come out and start seeing the light.

I think Alanon will help you if nothing else it is another group of support.

I hope you get some support and your H stops drinking.

What I find hardest is to calm down I like a glass of wine but I try not to drink around my H, does anyone else ever want to scream I am not an alchoholic you are, so why cant I drink.

?

[This message edited by ANA70 at 5:57 PM, October 10th (Monday)]

I'm lucky in that I was never much of a drinker to begin with- one or two glasses of wine tops-so when my FWH got sober it was not hard at all for me to stop drinking.

I did it out of a kind of solidarity with my husband.

Getting sober for my husband actually worked to help us reconcile after d-day.

It was a real big issue for us pre d-day. I was shattered to find out about his LTA and I filed for divorce at one point but I ended up withdrawing my divorce complaint mostly because of his efforts to stay sober.

It was also helpful because he distanced himself from all of his toxic drinking buddies-all who encouraged the toxic behaviors that included the LTA.

So..getting sober for him also meant a new beginning for us as a couple.

We used to have separate friends-he had his drinking buddies but now we hang out with couples that are friends of our marriage and are supportive of our reconciliation.

Ana- I totally understand getting stressed out and needing something to help you calm down.

I have looked for many different ways to de-stress since d-day.... what has helped me?-IC, meds, yoga, taking long baths...I'm not kidding...there were nights right after d-day when I was running a bath at 2AM because I couldn't think of anything else that would calm my nerves.

Is your husband still drinking or was it just a one time thing ..that he fell off the wagon.

I don't know how I would react if that happened with my husband.

I know that it is very common for alcoholics to get sober and then have set backs.

SO far...my husband has remained sober since d-day. It's over 4 and 1/2 yrs.

And you're right-ultimately we have no control over them. The infidelity proved that.

However, we do have control over ourselves.

I'm guessing that if my husband started drinking again that I would probably leave. One slip up is one thing but if he gave up on being sober that would be it.

His sobriety is the main reason that I reconciled after the infidelity and he knows that.

He promised me two things... to never hurt me again like he did with the LTA and to continue in AA for the rest of his life.

Does your husband have a sponsor in AA? Has the sponsor been involved with him?

With my H it was a one time thing. He was working a lot and skipping some meetings so he took over being in charge of coffee for his favorite one so then he knows he has to be there.

I like the bath idea. I do love to read in the tub.

Thanks for the idea.

I like the bath idea too!!! Then the realist in me thinks higher electric bills and will be shriveled for life.

I've been married to my functioning alcoholic for 38 years this November. Most of that time I spent in denial. Always defending him against my family or making some excuse for him being such and asshole.

When I first met him he was a happy drinker that liked to socialize, now he just drinks himself into an angry stupor. It sad that everything we do has to be centered around his drinking. We no longer go out to dinner because by dinner time he is to wasted. And his mood is so foul that I don't want to sit across from him anyway. It's been a very lonely existence which is my own fault for not leaving him when I was so much younger and healthier.

I tried Ala-non for about a year. I guess I just got tired of listening to the same stories. Or telling the same stories. It gave some very good insight and helped me to realize I wasn't crazy. Because alcoholism is pure crazy making.

Alcohol is his first love. Not sure where that leaves me.

Support group or a place where they can all say nobody underdstands me but another addict so I can do as please? I never got amends from my alcoholic husband either. I thought that was an important step... guess not. Dont beat yourself up get help. Talk to someone it really helps. Find a counselor.

IC was crucial for me too.

I started IC right after d-day and ended up going for about 3 yrs. (Luckily I have good medical insurance as was able to go for so long).

and about the baths.... another positive is that helps if you are someone who tends to snack when you are stressed or upset etc.

Taking a bath helped with that too... I couldn't snack while in the tub and once I got out I was all relaxed and clean and ready for bed.

about the expense of all that hot water etc.

well..what I always say post d-day...for those that are trying to reconcile...imagine how expensive divorce will be..just maintaining two separate households on the same salaries...so whatever you need to do to help you heal from the infidelity etc. is cheap in comparison.

So..post d-day I became a very high maintenance girl-manicures, massages, baths...anything to help me destress and maintain my sanity.

Dallas, heart in a blend- sorry to hear that your husbands are still drinking.

I know that we are powerless over their addiction but... what do you think would be hiting bottom for your husband?

what do you think that it would take to get him to seek out help for his addiction?

For my husband it was my discovery of the LTA....

I kicked him out right after d-day and we were sparated for 6 months before we R.

But, honestly, I think it was seeing my shocked and shattered reaction to the revelation of the LTA that was his bottom.

I think it forced him for the first time to take a long hard look at himself and to really see how low he had sunk.

I think for all of his adult life he kept fooling himself (and others)...not admitting to how bad his addiction really was.

he was also a functional alcoholic -held a professional job, had a family, a house etc. so he appeared like he was ok...meanwhile he was drinking every single day.....and it was affecting his life in many negative ways.

the LTA with a married co-worker drinking buddy was the cherry on top.

Been in court today dealing with alcoholic X. She thinks just not drinking makes everything fine. The GAL said that in her report. X has no job, not really looking for ine, not seeing IC or her addiction specialist anymore, goes to AA as needed and she's fine. GAL reported she downplays the impact her alcoholism has had on children. She was a blackout drunk that did things with children that put them at risk. The children are in counseling for depression and abandonment issues from when she ran out with the OM on a drunk. Then chose the bottle and this guy over hopes of having a whole family again.

Judge ruled the X's petition was denied to change visitation. Ruled that not drinking was not a substanial change enough to merit unsupervised visits. Wanrted to hear fro pros that she was doing the right things. Essentially, there is no change from what it was.

I opposed the change to unsupervised visits as it has no safety net. 16 months is an accomplishment I won't take from her. Yet, she has demonstrated no responsibility. That she can handle stress. I don't want my children around when, not if, she relapses. I don't think she has done the work on herself to say she's not a risk. She needs to be doing all she can to change the behaviors that led to her alcoholism.

Testified that she ended it with OM back in July. She figured out that they couldn't support one another in recovery. Two years almost to figure out what docs and everyone else had been telling her.

What an ordeal this is. It has been a long and costly journey. It is emotionally draining to be battling the mother of the children to keep them safe both physically and emotionally.

betrayed: Sorry you are going through this, but you are doing the best thing for yourself, and your children.

Maybe even your X, although I doubt she will see it that way.

Stay as strong as you are.

I have been posting in the NPD thread for a while, since my marriage fell apart a few years ago. But I think things are getting so much worse with my ex and his drinking and I'm kind of at a loss what to do. I haven't read all the posts yest, but I did see this in one of the posts here and it really made me think that perhaps I'm still enabling him:

You cannot force him to get sober but...you can help him to hit bottom by not enabling him in his addiction.

I guess I wasn't even certain he IS an alcoholic. We were married 17 years. He's always enjoyed his cocktails, expensive scotch, nice vodka, quality beers. I guess I thought that he really just had refined tastes and an appreciation for spirits. I'm not much of a drinker - a beer here and there or a glass of red wine. The only alcoholics I'd ever seen were depicted in movies drinking Boons Farm out of a paper bag.

But, recently, since he moved out three years ago, I've been thinking about it a lot. We always spent about $250 to $300 per month on alcohol. And I don't really drink. If I questioned it, he'd say we had friends over or something, or he brought that expensive bottle of whatever to whomever, don't you remember? I shrugged it off. After all, I'd seen him drink A LOT and not get drunk.

But when he was packing to move out, I found a bunch of empty rum bottles in his bookcase, hidden behind books. Cheap rum, really cheap rum. That's not like him. He always bought top of the line. Whose could these be? It definitely concerned me. I asked him about it and he said they'd been there for years. He didn't throw them away because he didn't want to hear me bitching about how much he drank (I'd never done that - it didn't make sense).

After he moved, I found the same label bottles in the attic, basement, garage, and the backyard behind a tree. What the hell??!! After he moved, it seemed he smelled like alcohol ALL the time. People who hadn't seen him in a while would remark on it the next time they saw me. The next door neighbor asked if he had a drinking problem because the smell struck her when she got within ten feet of him. Did I think he had a drinking problem, yes. Could I prove it? No. He denies it. What else can I do. He ALWAYS smells like it, and never appears altered, even when he'd pick up the kids for visitation. I can't stop him from seeing his kids. And I'm not even sure he's drinking.

Then, last year, he lost his job accidentally on purpose. I had to pick up medical benefits in addition to allowing him to pay less child support. Then, this summer, he was watching the kids during the days while I work. At pickup a few times, no one answered the door so I had to go in. I found him sound asleep by the back door - like not sleeping, like so dead asleep that I had to shake him to wake him up. Once he was awake, he spent the next five minutes looking me right in the eye and babbling about stuff that happened ten years ago. My 10 year old saw this and once we were in the car she revealed that he does that a lot and sometimes she can't wake him up when he "naps." Then yesterday, at 12:05 he told me he'd pick up our oldest at girl scouts. But he didn't show. Hours later he showed up to pick the kids up for his visitation but of course, I had them with me since I'd had to run out of my office to get my daughter at girl scouts. He came up with some ridiculous story about his car being broken down, a dead zone, couldn't make phone calls, was waiting for a tow truck, but couldn't answer questions about how he could call a tow truck but not me to make sure I picked up our daughter. I said fine, you were broken down and couldn't call. Prove it. Tow truck receipt? Receipt for repairs? When I question anything he says he blows up instead of answering my question. It's all subterfuge and obfuscation.

What I'm worried about is that this is not even rock bottom. And I don't want my daughters in the way when he hits it. What can I do?

(((MaleableReality)))

Sorry you are going through this. Alcoholism affects the whole family, not just the one with the disease.

It may not be his bottom. Some never do hit "bottom". You have found out that alcoholics are not limited to the bum with a bottle in a bag. My xWW drank expensive flavored vodka. That way she hid the smell and convienced herself that she wasn't that bad since it wasn't cheap. Many times it is all about rationalization of the behavior. "I'm not that bad..." by the alcoholic and their family gets sucked into it also. But, it doesn't change what they are.

What can you do? Do what you have to in order to protect your child. If it means withholding visits when there is a risk, I'd do it. Think of the regrets later if something were to happen and you don't.

Take care of your self and your child. You can't save him. Only he can do that, but you don't have to let him take you down too.

If your mate can drink a large quantity of alcohol and not show any real effects, that means they have built up a tolerance from drinking A LOT. At the least, that is alcohol abuse.....

Maleable Reality- talk to a lawyer. Your ex is putting your children at risk, and that is neglect. He needs supervised visitation for now, until he can get his drinking under control or completely abstain.

My XSO was having the blackouts also. We would go out at night, I would have 2 drinks, he would have a few pitchers and a few shots....and then he would come home and pass out on the floor. He was unwakeable. He is getting the tingling and numbing in his extremities. He has memory loss. He has black outs where he does not remember what he did the night before, or even where he went.

XSO is full fledge alcoholic. And had a mini stroke. Knows he is killing himself. And keeps doing it. He is unable to make me a priority because his first love is his chemical addictions. He does not feel like dealing with responsibilities any more because he is either drunk/thinking about getting drunk/recovering from getting drunk. That is why he is my ex. It sucks, I did really love him. But I love myself more.

Thanks betrayed1012. I find that I am always second guessing myself. Am I crazy? Am I persecuting him? Am I really just being spiteful? The thing is, I am just NOT a drama person. I am always happy, would rather be laughing than frowning, and my kids and I are perfect when he's not around.

Ever since he left, my life is the way I want it, EXCEPT for the constant worry about the next time I set him off, or whether he's actually WITH the kids.

For over a year now, when he picks the kids up for his nights/weekends, he's usually getting them from the sitter so I often don't even get to see him. I told him last night that from now on, he's not allowed to pick up from the sitter so he has to wait until I get home and if I smell alcohol on him at ANY point from here on out, he won't be taking the kids. I'm done enabling him.

I'm making an appointment with a lawyer to find out what my options are and if I need to file something with the court to get that restriction entered into our agreement. Even if it just stops him from drinking in the afternoon before he comes to get them, that will be something, right?

@NaiveAgain

Thanks. I am going to speak to a lawyer. I know he loves his kids, and THEY know it. But I do believe he loves himself and his drinking more. He lives with the girl he left me for and she's there a lot. In fact, the kids talk about what they did with her more than their father when they return from visits. It just kills me that I don't know if she's there all the time or if they're with him alone while he's in a stupor. Are my suspicions and the stuff I've witnessed enough to get supervised visitation?

Maleable Reality,

My xWW has supervised visits. My xWW had progressed to a blackout drunk with a huge tolerance for alcohol. Her lawyer advised her to agree rather than having it ordered. She's been 16 months without drinking and wants to get it changed. We went to court yesterday. The judge said that just not drinking was not enough to make it a substantial change. He wanted to see she had a plan to remain without drinking rather than the haphazard approach she's taken thus far... a dry drunk with no change in behavior. ADDED Judge wanted to see the supporting testimony of a professional that she has it under control. Since she is not in counseling and goes to AA "as needed" the judge was not swayed.

Since my X agreed I am not quite sure how to go about it. Definitely see your lawyer. One lawyer told me that IF I knew she was endangering the children then I was just as guilty as she was. Before I'd risk losing the children to social services I had to do something. When she left on a drunk with the OM I took control. I would not let her be alone with them and I made it understood I'd call social services on her if I supected she was drinking around them again during her visits. I'm not sure if I could, but the bluff worked. When she relapsed from that point on she would go off and not be near the children.

You can't control him. You can only control what you will do. Take control of your life and do what you need to for you and your child.

[This message edited by betrayed1012 at 9:48 AM, October 15th (Saturday)]

You're so right Betrayed. If anything ever happened while they were with him, I couldn't live with myself. I've spent too much time feeling like I have no power. My 10 year old daughter told me that one day over the summer he was so sound asleep she couldn't wake him up. She was just trying to ask him how many minutes to put the hotdogs on in the microwave so that she could make lunch for her and her 6 year old sister. She SHOULD NOT BE DOING THAT by herself.

By this point, he was running out of money after being out of work almost a year and wasn't paying much child support. Every penny went to the mortgage and bills. I work full time and he was the only person I could count on the "watch" the kids. I just didn't know what to do.

She did OK on her own, but it would have been very easy for her to have made a mistake that caused a problem. She was proud of her ability to take care of lunch for her and her sister and I was proud of her too. But it made my heart sad that she had to do it herself because her father was passed out.

Someone mentioned memory issues in an earlier post, can't remember who (no pun intended) and that immediately made me think about all the times he's driven me CRAZY not remembering things. I almost pulled the plug on Wednesday night visitation a month ago because he keeps forgetting to make sure she's got her homework. That equals insane stress for her and I the next morning and its the epitome of an example of how much he just doesn't care about anyone but himself.

Grrrrrrr.

Cross-posting in NPD thread as well. I am here at work, running over in my mind all the ways that visitation pickup can go tonight. My exNPD-alcoholic has successfully triggered all my childhood abuse issues and I'm basically shaking. My girlfriend asked what it is that I think it going to happen - that he might attack me physically? No, not really, I mean he never has but I do think the potential is there. I actually welcome that because while it would suck, it would create a piece of evidence that there is a problem which I could point to rather than what I currently have, the "your word against his" situation I find myself in. I don't know what has me so freaked out. I think it's just knowing that I will have to endure the heaping pile of emotional abuse and shame he's going to pour all over me. Even though I know he's wrong, even though I know I am doing what I have to do to protect my kids, I know that the things he says are going to hurt me. He's so very good at it.

Maybe he will show up smelling like a brewery, which would be ridiculous since he knows that I'm serious and he won't be taking his kids if he does. Maybe he'll get so angry when I tell him he's not seeing them that he flips out and does physically attack me. Then when I call the police they will not only arrest him for assault, but for DUI too.

I'm so tired of thinking about this.

(((MaleableReality)))

So sorry you are going through this. I have no advice for you other than do what you have to in order to protect yourself, physically and emotionally. If you don't feel comfortable can you have someone go with you? If you have the children with you try to make certain they are sheltered from anger between the two of you. Children tend to take blame for why their parents are fighting.

Take care,

betrayed1012