SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dude, You are doing everything right. And I honestly think that yes OM is a predator and your W was vulnerable prey. Its my humble opinion that most of these scumbags have a well rehearsed and time tested routine. Many of them portray themselves as these nice guy hardly understood never appreciated men. They choose a woman thats ripe for the pickings. Its sort of a built in radar they have. They can spot their prey a mile away and swoop in for the kill. They tell their prey how their lives are so messed up. Not due to any fault of their own mind you. They claim they are in terrible marriages where their wives are usually mentally unstable. That they live together only for the sake of the children who they claim mean the world to them. In conversation with their prey they will pick up on the likes and dislikes of the target. Naturally they will assimilate themselves exactly to the nature of their victim. They will like the same types of music. They will try and charm the pants off of them. Telling them how beautifull they are. How intelligent and thoughtfull the woman is. They will slickly ask subtle questions as to what complaints they have with their spouses. And use that to their advantage. An example from my own experience was that I never took my wife out to the theater. Naturally OM will love going to shows. He will be the complete opposite of every complaint your W has for you.

Again in my humble opinion. The vulnerable woman will start feeling sorry for this great guy. Who by his own admission is terribly misunderstood by his spouse. As maternal creatures most women will be drawn in to the motherly urge to help him. Thats where he goes in for the kill. And we all naturally know where this leads to. In some cases these women fall head over heals in what they perceive as true love. And why not ? These guys on the surface are exactly what they want. They have so much in common. He listens to her. He gives advice and becomes her support system. He will manipulate her to no end. Mainly for sexual satisfaction. Whats trully sad is that OM is not who they claim to be. These women are in fact falling in love with themselves. Cause they have given the predator all the information about themselves.

That being said a small percentage of WW will quickly see through the facade of the OM and have huge regrets for their behaviors and come out of the "FOG" fairly quickly. I believe that your W is one of them. She had remorse the moment it was done. Too late the damage was done. But a great sign if you choose to R. I think your W was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But she was remorsefull and came clean to you ASAP. Another good sign. I expect when you talk to his W you will find out he has his own script and has done this many times before.

I hope you can make it with your W. For some of us an A is simply a deal breaker. and there is no shame in that. It takes hard work and determination. And if you mosey over to the recon forum you will find many successfull stories. I pray that you can and will R. As for myself my XWW went to the darkside and never returned. I wish she had the balls to be honest like your W has. My XWW never showed real true remorse and would only admit to what I had found out myself from deep investigating on my part. I was TT to death. And after 6 years apart Im still finding out things I never knew happened. For me after this type of behavior D was my only option. But to be honest if my XWW would have acted like your WW is. I would still be with her. I wish you nothing but peace. I also hope you and your W can fix this awfull problem.

If what we are hearing is accurate, this guy is a predator 100% and this does border on assault.

Your wife does have boundary issues and you guys need to discuss common sense boundaries (no drinking with or being alone with other men, business or not!). The drinking became a rule between my wife and I after her affair. For her 1 drink and she is completely vulnerable. She just can't take the alcohol.

But with your wife, this so far does not seem to get anywhere close to a typical "affair". There was no "fog" really other than being under the influence, there was immediate remorse and confession.

Unless there is something big we don't yet know about (and it doesn't sound like it), reconcile! Work on your marriage and yourself (unfortunately you have now have fairly large personal issues to work out, even if you didn't sign up for them). Just make sure if you R you commit yourself 100% and don't hold anything back from your M or your W. A BH's biggest enemy in R can be themselves. It sucks but its true.

Just want to reiterate what the others have said. You have been the model of strength, a lot of us wish we had 1/10th that amount. And though you are clearly crushed and hurting, you kept your distance, got the truth, and been very practical.

As bad as this situation is for anyone, your wife did completely own up to it and didnt lie or continue the affair.

Wishing you both the best!

All I can say is WOW at this point. I hope she see's the light. I don't think you should R.

[This message edited by ConfusedBH at 7:39 PM, August 6th (Saturday)]

confused...

I don't think you should R.

You dont? Why?

Bufffalo

Give your wife a chance big guy. shes worth it. To go at it with that level of honesty and commitment IS THE MOON to some of us. You have no idea how much some of us would kill to have a WS lament and go through scorched earth for the chance at reconciliation.

Shes worth it, your are worth it, and your marriage is worth it.

Devil Dogs aint perfect but better believe they know a thing or two about sticking out tough situations!

You are doing just great. What you are going through is awful, but if your WW is being honest you will be at least spared TT. Which is its own special brand of hell.

Hang in there.

First time poster, just joined looking for support.

Dead M, I really admire you as I read through each of your posts. I came here, like so many of you, looking for advice.

There was so much wisdom in this thread. The first that struck a chord with me was from Sad Californian:

When good people slip up and do this, that does not necessarily define them to be bad. And, she will bear this cross for the rest of her life. She can no longer pretend to be the perfect wife nor a faithful wife as she cheated once. Again this will be her cross to bear.

Great advice from Phoenix Reborn on the STD tests, and Long Gone, thank you for writing:

.what we have now is the marriage that both of us wanted and needed. Look at your life prior to the A.....was it good in your eyes? her eyes?

Dead M, I don't have too much to add other than taking my hat off to you for being an honourable guy, for having principles, and taking charge of the situation.

Long Gone's quote resonated with me; as you said your M was a good one prior to the A then I think it is worth the effort of the R. You are doing the steps that I hope to take in due course (still wondering if I should post my story as mine did not happen in a marriage, just a relationship).

Good luck, brother, and thank you for your courage in writing your story so that guys like me can learn from it, too.

Hi, this is by way of an update. I talked with the OM's STBXW, and she has helped me a lot, but I can't really say too much because there are probably going to be legal issues. My wife is going to take the polygraph this Saturday, but I won't tell her until we walk in the door. The tester says that almost all people who have beaten it do so because they have time to prepare tactics. I am meeting my wife for the first time tonight after I get home from work, wish me luck!!

Good luck!

Strength for whatever happens.

Hope all goes well....thinking of you both!

Hope that things went well last night.

I hope things are going well.

Hoping that your meeting with WW went well!

I have been following your story, in awe of your strength, and of your WW's courage to tell not only you, but others and commitment to doing anything needed to help you through this. I wish you both the continued strength to get through this.

Sometimes I wish that my ww could come out of the "fog" like that. It just saddens me to see a once great person, destroy themselves because of the rose colored glasses that they see the OM through. These pretators are usually people that the ww will come to abhor, because the OM can't continue to keep the facade going for too long.

Hi, Folks, so we met and talked for a long time. She is totally devestated by what happened, and completely down on herself. She told me that I and or marriage are the most precious things in her life and that if I leave her she will understand, but will fight with all of her strength to save what we had together, and that she will never be with any other man except me, even if I choose to leave, and that I am in complete control of her life from now on. She swears that she has told me all that she remembers and only wishes that she knew more about that night, in order to tell me everything that happened. She also re-interated that she never intended to have sex with him, and doesn't know how it happened, the way it did. She has never been to another man's hotel room before and could only leave as fast as she could afterwards. I have never seen a person as destroyed as she appears to be. She has entered counseling and has given the counselor permission to release any information I want or need, and to keep me updated on all sessions. There is nothing she will not do to R, and every day she is trying to prove it. I can account for every minute of her life since our last evening together, and the last thing she said was to beg for an opportunity to prove herself worthy and show her love and remorse. So...... what do you people think? I will update tomorrow night, when I have figured out a plan.

I think you should give her a chance to R.

Of course this assumes the poly test is passed and she is STD free and not pregnant.

For example, Obviously given the delay on knowing her HIV status, this would mean attempting R with the condition the R ends if she tests positive after all etc...

Otherwise I think you are lucky (as can be given the awful situation) to have a WW that appears to be remorseful and honest from the start as yours. Some of us such as myself, never ever had that.

PR

She is totally devestated by what happened, and completely down on herself. She told me that I and or marriage are the most precious things in her life

Shes in a pretty good state of mind for R....i believe you have something to work with. IC for her to find out "why" she cheated is good....hope it all works out for her...Keep a watch for "depression". My FWW spent a week or so on a suicide watch, about a month or so after DDay...(That'll sure pucker your ass)...

Dont be to hard on her as long as shes doing "all the right things"....remorse, transparency, etc....

I hope that you are in a "good place" to work on the marriage, too....

I however, am abit troubled by a couple of things you have said.....

and that I am in complete control of her life from now on.

and....

and has given the counselor permission to release any information I want or need, and to keep me updated on all sessions.

could you elaborate some??

I dont believe that a marriage where two people are "partners" should be "controled" by one or the other....and that IC should be a private interaction between patient and counselor...

Do i think you should "verify" her actions - yes...i damn sure do...Hell, i verified everything for a long while...didnt feel the need to get transcripts of her IC sessions. Ill never have my head in the sand again....

The wall of trust gets rebuilt - one brick at a time....not by control.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck....

Remember that this is gonna take a while to get through....it takes time - and patience was NOT one of my virtues.....but i learned it....

Later......

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 1:42 AM, August 12th (Friday)]

Our stories are somewhat similar - a spouse having a ONS while out of town on business, drunk, lonely, worried about their jobs, etc., immediate regret and disgust at themselves, voluntarily admitting to us (the betrayed spouse) what happened and all the (nasty) details we NEED to hear, but wish we didn't.

We had been married (at that time) for just over 21 years, had five children, just 2 weeks prior celebrated the birth of our first GRANDCHILD! We BOTH had a LOT invested in each other and in our relationship.

It took me nearly 3 years to fully and completely forgive.

I'm posting to let you know that if YOU CHOOSE to WORK (and yes, it IS HARD WORK, and YES, it's unfair, but you BOTH have to WORK!) at reconciling, if your wife continues to CHOOSE to WORK to reconcile, then you HAVE A GOOD CHANCE at making it - of having a stronger, more loving and intimate and satisfying life-long relationship.

There IS hope.

In April of this year, I voluntarily and with great anticipation "re-married" my husband. Took me 3-1/3 years to be as 100% confident as any human can possibly be, that staying with him, re-marrying him was what I really wanted - what WE really wanted, and that his ONS was a "fluke" in his character, not to be repeated again.

It's going to be a extremely painful (for you both) and a terribly bumpy road, but there CAN BE light at the end of the tunnel.

Best wishes to you both on this journey - no matter where it may lead each of you.