SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry but I have to post here because I just keep thinking that something doesn't feel right with this story. I do not believe that it happened the way she is telling you.

This may be controversial but could it be that she was the one who couldn't make it to her room and he helped her to her room? Then once they got there she passed out and he took advantage? Or she said no and he did it anyway?

The reason I ask is because of her actions after the encounter or whatever it was. Why did she have to check out of the hotel and find another one? Because she was forced and she was afraid? If it was consensual I do not believe she would have felt the need to move to a different hotel.

She may be afraid to tell you the truth for some reason. It could be that she is afraid of him because he threatened her or she feels that it will she will look worse for not reporting or no one will believe her.

Just my thoughts and I could be way off base.

Actually, soverybetrayed, you make a good point also.

If it's a case where she did pass out, or on the verge and he did take advantage of the situation, she could be doing a fairly typical victim response of somehow feeling guilty and responsible for something she really wasn't.

In that case, she should probably report this guy and hopefully begin to realize that she wasn't really at fault.

And while the whole ordeal is still horrible, in that case, she wouldn't really have 'cheated' but rather, was assaulted.

I wonder what the story really is...and how does one find out? If it was consensual, and she cheated, bringing something like this up would give her a plausible 'out' and that does OP no favors. On the other hand, if she was assaulted and unwittingly twisted it into a fault of hers, that just isn't right.

Tough situation all around.

[This message edited by SomewhatWorried at 1:53 PM, August 5th (Friday)]

A HUGE, HUGE.....THANK YOU!!!! To all of you that have posted and PM'D me with advice and your own stories. I'm sooooooo glad that I came to this site, and it has helped me a ton. I also want to thank my in-laws, family and even my wife's boss (who has been a real friend). I'm a methodical guy during business hours, and am trying to approach this as I would a business problem, if for no other reason, than to give me some control and stability over a bewildering, soul-wrenching situation. I talked to my wife at length this morning, and she is actually wanting the polygraph test sooner rather than later ( like next week or as soon as possible), she also asked about hypnosis, to bring up memories and get to the bottom of any issues she has but is unaware of. She told me that she has been absolutely honest about all of it, as far as she can remember. What she said was that she has wracked her mind to try to remember where the cuddling began to get sexual, but that she honestly doesn't know. She called herself a worthless whore and other things and spent half the time asking how I was and what she could do to make it better for me. She , once again , stated that she will do anything I want or need, be anything I want her to be, just for the CHANCE of R. She told me how nice her boss has been, and how he announced that he was bringing her back into the office because he wanted her expertise, at the corporate level, and how wonderful it was to be with her old friends and co-workers, and not have to leave home or work late anymore.

So , to make a long story short, I have come to , at least , one decision. I will investigate this as fully as humanly possible, using polygraphs, private investigators, or whatever other means I need, but if this is ALL that I find, then WE will attempt a reconciliation. I told her this but cautioned her that if I find any other questionable situations, we will divorce immediately, and Geez.....you would have thought I had given her the moon. I will set down with her as soon as I get home. I know that some of you may think me a fool.

Dead M - you're not a fool. I'd do a lot of things differently if I had to live my situation over again...but if I were in yours, now, I'd do exactly as you're doing.

Peace to you, brother.

I've been following but haven't posted until now.

We BSs are a pretty cynical bunch and suspicious as a rule, and rightfully so. We've been lied to, TT'd, gaslighted, etc.

But, rarely, a WS just really, really screws up bad one time and really, really regrets it. I think that is your WS.

Don't know why I feel compelled to say that except that it's just so not the rule here! And it should give you hope, if you decide to R.

Good luck either way.

You'd only be a fool if you didn't think it through.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and I sincerely mean that. We all deserve a little happiness.

DM,

Don't take this the wrong way, but most people on this site would kill for what you (apparently) have. A WS who didn't TT, deflect, marginalize, minimize, and gaslight. One who seems to have GOT IT right off the bat.

Keep your guard and your hopes up and it sounds like you'll make it.

Well, you are giving her the moon. We all did that if we R.

Your not a fool.

Well done

PR

chiming in with the thoughts that you (collectively) have the best chance of a real R.

Based on her actions, there may or may not have been coercion (sp?) - either indirect (talking her into it) or direct (if she had a mild blackout). The reason I say that is that to check out of that hotel and into another one at 1am is not the typical sign of a pre-meditated ONS.

She came clean, no TT, she wants to get the poly done and over with, she is talking to you and those close to her about it. Honestly, she sounds as upset if it were you that was the WS. (and rightfully so)

The one positive is that it sounds like the "old" job may be exactly the best thing for her.

DM, try to find a way to forgive her. I know you'll never forget - I don't advocate that at all. But work through the steps and try to get to a real R.

Even though you are going through a major hiccup in your life - take this chance to turn your M around. She sounds like a keeper.

You are not a fool, quite the opposite. You are dealing with this head on. As is your wife. Eyes wide open, listening, gathering information and turning towards each other.

DM,

You have become OUR teacher.

Seriously, I can't think of anything since discovery that you should have done differently.

You were hurt and angry, and you gave yourself space to try to sort things out in your head. You confirmed that your WW was at least safe from potentially harming herself. You joined a support group---and absorbed as much information as you could.

To all of this, I say---Bravo.

No matter what, it is a tough road ahead. This was some thing that was not only off of the radar, but something that you were certain could NEVER have happened. Infidelity is such a traumatizing blow, we never know how we will respond until faced with the situation.

But the two of you have a VERY good foundation to attempt R...if the facts here are correct. Everybody here is pulling for you two.

I am going to meet with the OM's STBX wife, this next weekend in Pittsburgh, and she has already said to me that she feels that my wife was more sinned against than sinner. IDK what she means, as she would not go into it over the phone, but I'm thinking that he (om) may have a history, I'm unaware of. If I were to find out that he slipped her anything, he would be dead meat. I am a business man, but I WAS a Marine, and former golden gloves boxer.

Dead M,

You did the right thing. Your not a fool.

I am sure with time you will have a better marriage than before.

Her husband is a sexual predator and this is not the first time he has used these type tactics.

Glad things a settling some during this first phase.

[This message edited by UnsettledOne at 11:45 PM, August 5th (Friday)]

Dead M

You need to be careful.

He is nothing. Nobody. Irrelevant.

We all consider revenge after dday but the most important thing is your future.

You have enough to deal with.

Yes find out what you can from OM's STBXW but use this knowledge for yourself.

Forget him. He is a worthless POS and you doing anything to enable him to hurt you more would be foolish.

Take heart from the knowledge that the Karma bus is speeding towards him - his STBXW will ensure this happens.

Laura

I totally agree with what Laura said.

You have a lot to be coping with right now without concentrating your efforts on that scum bag as well....Dont you worry about him, he'll get his. The karma bus always comes for those who deserve it!

I sincerely hope all goes well for you.

I am going to meet with the OM's STBX wife,

Good for you (offer her any "proof" you may have - remember this bullshit is NOT her fault, either).....remember to tell her about us here at SI...she IS one of us - the fact that she is married to a POS is irrelevant at this point...

I am a business man, but I WAS a Marine, and former golden gloves boxer.

Thank you for your service to our country. As a marine and a boxer i know you wanna "kick his ass"...and you should know how to....let the business man kick in....and dont. As a redneck, biker, neanderthal, former jock - i also wanna kick my FWWw OMs ass...(may still someday, he's a smart ass, damn sure deserves it)...the academic in me (3 degrees) and the businessman in me keeps telling me NOT to...so does my attorney... ...

The assault charges, my attorney tells me could "go away" for about 10 grand..(not a problem - could write a check for that)..BUT the civil suit that POS would file DOES get my attention....not gonna pay him for banging my wife....KWIM??

So far....youre doin pretty good thru all this indfidelity bullshit....and by your wifes actions since DDay, i do believe that the 2 of you may have a decent chance at a pretty good R....dont rush it, bro....takes time and work.

She is NOT in that WS fog....so many of 'em fail at this...you cannot R till that happens.

Please remember to try to rest...i know, sleeping is hard - i had trouble getting past the 3 hour mark - for a while....UGH!! Try to eat....i lost 55 pounds on the "infidelity diet" - dont recomend it either...exercise helps...

You will survive bro....i did - and im 3 years out... ..

good luck....

Bufffalo

Let me start off by saying please don't have a revenge affair, they will do more harm than good. I'm so sorry you are here but this is a great place with lots of support. It will take a while to get your mind wrapped around this traumatic event but you will. We have all been in your shoes and we survived but yes it hurts and makes us angry. I wish you the best.

BTW, I posted before I read all 7 pages and let me tell you YOU ARE NOT A FOOL. You are just taking control of your life and marriage and making decisions.