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Newest Member: Starrystarrynight

Just Found Out :
Don't know what to do.

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PhoenixReborn ( member #22135) posted at 8:26 AM on Thursday, August 4th, 2011

I know you love her and understand completely.

Just saying if you say something similar to that being specific is a good idea.

Also that it is unfair that you may have to also watch how you say something to WW (if she is potentially fragile/suicidal) on top of the betrayal and hurt you have suffered at her hand.

PS: her staying with her parents is the best thing right now.

That's all.

Good luck

PR

[This message edited by PhoenixReborn at 2:28 AM, August 4th (Thursday)]

Me - XBF 40 (Fiance)
Her - XWF (who cares)
# Always trust your Gut - I didn't and am now regretting it. #
-Only give up when you won't regret giving up.-

posts: 1125   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2008   ·   location: Australia
id 5370616
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bufffalo ( member #21854) posted at 8:31 AM on Thursday, August 4th, 2011

dead....

I agree with Phoenix, re the suicide possibility....

After my DDay, my FWW spent a week or so in the hospital on a suicide watch (that puckered my ass)...bro, let me tell ya, that guilt the WSs will hit sometimes is a killer.....no pun intended...

Some guilt i needed and wanted to see.....didnt want it to go "to far" either....

I believe that you are light years ahead of other BSs in this bullshit called affairs, in that your WW seems to be truely in remorse....i DO understand anger, you have earned that right - abet the hard way.

This will be the hardest emotional event you will have to live through....but you will make it - one way or another....and it sucks...

I had to "push" my FWW out of her fog and off that fence the hard way....and it took about 6 weeks to do it....your wife seems to be at a point that it took my FWW 2 or 3 months to get to....AND i had to get the affair over before could even think that R would happen.....i was in divorce mode for a while, she got her head out of her ass before my "give a shit" quit working...

Once you get that old "snotting, crying, blubbering, im so sorry i hurt you, mascara dripping off of her chin" apology.....then and ONLY then can R begin to work....you'll know true remorse when you see it...

If you choose R, (yes, bro it is YOUR choice, not hers) be prepared to give her a list of demands of things she MUST do in order for R to happen....no negociating, do NOT waver, no debate....she will conform to your demands or take R off the table....and you "lawyer up"...

Dont be an ass, either....dont pussyfoot around with her. Be firm...dont forgive too fast. Hell, im not sure i forgave my wife for a year or so...maybe didnt at all. The wall of trust gets rebuilt one brick at a time....and slowly.

Another thing alot of guys do is try to speed this process up...dude, it takes time - and i hate that word.

again, i suggest IC for your wife....We didnt do any MC at all....cant work on a marriage unless both parties are "healthy"....shes gotta get healthy first.

Good luck bro....feel free to read my profile if you'd like.....

Take care...

Later....

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 2:38 AM, August 4th (Thursday)]

DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me

posts: 6172   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 5370619
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UnsettledOne ( member #32952) posted at 9:47 AM on Thursday, August 4th, 2011

Dead M,

You have shown yourself as an upright man with a reasonable mind.

I am sure you have considered what you should do when you first see her. She will most likely be sobbing and her greatest desire would be for you to comfort her. Personally I wouldn't. That is what her mother is for. jmo

She needs to know there are issues with her story which need resolved. She needs pen and paper and to write down the thought processes which caused her to the actions she committed.

This is the time to get the truth not later. She needs to know you are gone without a full knowledge of her motivation and actions.

This should help her emotional state rather than cause it more harm because of the relief of confession to you. All WW minimize she is no different but she can't be allowed to do that.

Some reasons for her emotional turmoil is the fear of rejection by you and the fear of loosing her marriage coupled by her own sense of failure as a human being. Those can create powerful emotions bordering on anxiety attacks.

Possibly some of the factors of her going to the room were a sense of failure and depression. But those are not excuses for her actions just motivating factors. She has major boundary issues to contend with.

Unfortunately in some ways this is still all about her and her emotional needs rather than what she has done to you. Hopefully the medicine given to her by the doctor hasn’t made her loopy and unable to process.

Again sorry this is happening and your life has been flipped upside down.

Eat, drink water and exercise,rest. I had to get sleep aids.

[This message edited by UnsettledOne at 4:04 AM, August 4th (Thursday)]

BH 60

posts: 176   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2011   ·   location: Walking toward the light
id 5370633
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 Dead M (original poster member #32972) posted at 2:49 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2011

Thanks to all. I can't know for sure now, but I THINK that she really believes what she is telling me. I mean, look at what she has done, so far. This is what my lawyer told me yesterday. My wife told me about the ONS immediately after she came home, she outed the event to both bosses, both sets of parents OM's wife, her (wife's)siblings and mine and our Pastor. She has taken ownership of her actions, and has suffered and is suffering the consequences, and has placed my needs and choices above her own. Balanced against this is one fumbling act of betrayal, which lasted less than an hour, and the sex was bad, to boot. What would be the point of minimalizing any further? Every time I have talked to her, sure there is a lot of sobbing, begging, and professions of love, but she has ALWAYS said that she is completely at fault. She never blamed the OM, or me , or her job, or her psyche, or anything else. The last thing she said yesterday to me was that she will do whatever it takes for my happiness, and I believe her , at least in this .

Starting "R".

posts: 80   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2011   ·   location: Ohio
id 5370840
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wonderingbull ( member #14833) posted at 3:34 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2011

I believe both of you are on the right path right now.... As Bufff has said... It's the time factor and how both of you handle it moving forward...

WB

The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor

posts: 6054   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2007   ·   location: A better place
id 5370921
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Long Gone ( member #32587) posted at 3:38 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2011

There you have it Dead......

Yes....she has issues to work out and from what I am reading...she is committed to it.

I know it hurts to mentally see you wife in that act....but brother....you have the best chance of 95% of thoise that find themselves here. My wife was not as committed as yours was at first as she tried to protect herself and keep me from leaving for 2-3 months.....but once that went out the window...she buckled down....what we have now is the marriage that both of us wanted and needed. Look at your life prior to the A.....was it good in your eyes? her eyes?

Good Luck and keep your cool

Dday 11/2010

posts: 796   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2011
id 5370927
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invictus ( member #21623) posted at 3:55 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2011

Dead M, my heart goes out to you. Neither of you EVER wants to go through what you've gone through EVER EVER again.

You have both suffered because of your wife's infidelity and both learned hard, painful lessons. She realizes she wrecked your trust and that you're crushed.

Perhaps you have considered what life would have been like, had she simply kept all of this "mess" to herself and never mentioned her infidelity. Perhaps she has, as well; and given the reaction do you wonder if she would confess if she knew then what would happen?

I would hope she would again choose to tell you the truth.

Telling you the truth when she had the option to sweep it under the rug and save herself condemnation, rejection, and maybe even total loss of your marriage says VOLUMES about how much she loves and trusts YOU.

It sounds like she is ready and willing to do ANYTHING to reconcile, and I hope it is the truth. It also sounds like she was most CERTAINLY "herded" into bed by a sexual predator. That guy knew EXACTLY what he was doing!

Healing takes work, time and more work... if that is your goal, and you want to heal together with your wife, then you will have each other to lean on... It will hurt; the both of you will hurt and struggle but you'll heal together if you make that decision together.

I'm afraid to tell you, if you decide to go it alone, I hate to say it, but I believe it will take at least twice as much strength and hurt at least twice as much.

All the best to you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

♥ BW m. 31 years - Divorced in 2009. It's still a month to month financial struggle, with higher income taxes as a single and no retirement parachute since I was a stay at home mom.

posts: 1887   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2008   ·   location: Texas
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Cabrona ( member #9596) posted at 4:14 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2011

I think what happened is not that your wife wanted to have sex with this man, more that the alcohol and the situation allowed her to eventually give in and let him.

My question to you is have you noticed her drinking more since her self-esteem has gone sliding? Alcohol abuse can make a person become self-sabotaging.

I too, think she is worth a second chance.

"The truth is, everybody is going to hurt you... you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." —Bob Marley

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SomewhatWorried ( member #16181) posted at 4:20 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2011

Given your WS's story, I would agree that there is something 'missing' between the 'cuddling while clothed' to 'having sex' that needs to be addressed; an explanation is needed for simply making the decision to go to OM's room. Why even go that far?

I have a theory -- She could have had a temporary blackout, and if not, had severely impaired judgment from the alcohol. I know from experience that either one can cause immense stupidity. Keep in mind that the first thing affected by alcohol is sound judgment.

In fact, I actually know another guy that planned to go drinking with some buddies after work one day. He dropped his car off at home, took a cab to the bar, spent a night drinking and went home. Sound plan, right? Unfortunately, since the alcohol greatly impairs judgment, when he arrived home from the bar, he thought it would be OK to get in his car at that point and go grab something to eat. He was stopped and arrested for DUI. While he could make sound choices while sober, after drinking, his thinking was all screwed up and his sound plan went out the window.

While in my twenties, (I am 42 now) I did amazingly stupid things after consuming alcohol; many others suffer the same fate while intoxicated. I blacked out, I drove vehicles, had a couple ONS with unprotected sex with females I did not know (not while in a relationship or married, mind you), deliberately antagonize LEOs, etc. Many of my inebriated acts resulted in some fairly dire consequences...a week spent in jail, strained family/friend relationships, legal fines/fees, broken possessions requiring costly repair, etc. Fortunately, any sexual escapade did not result in any STD, but it was certainly a possibility.

Eventually, I learned that while normally an intelligent, articulate guy, I am far too idiotic when under the influence of alcohol. Even after just a little bit, I would find that I could bargain myself away from an intent of 'just one drink' to maybe another couple, which of course would lead to a poor judgment state. For this reason, I no longer drink...at all as I can't trust myself.

Of course, I further learned that my alcohol fueled antics were rooted in a need for temporary escapism and finding better ways to vent; I took up cycling, running and fishing and am much better for it.

Perhaps your wife needs to avoid alcohol from here on out and explore with a counselor any deeper issues that may have contributed toward unleashing warped decisions while she was drunk?

[This message edited by SomewhatWorried at 10:22 AM, August 4th (Thursday)]

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id 5371012
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 Dead M (original poster member #32972) posted at 8:39 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2011

I agree that this is a matter of concern, and yes, her drinking did increase, although before her job went south, she didn't drink often. I've only seen her drunk a couple of times. I really wonder about her self esteem issues. Before this, our marriage finances were the best, but as her job went south, mine got much better. Before, our incomes were very similar, but now I make way more than she does. When she took the account job, I don't think she realized what a high pressure job it was, and while she liked the extra money, she hated the travel and long hours. I'm beginning to see where I might not have been as observant as I should have been. There have been a few times when she would ask if I minded if she got her old job in the office back, where she was happiest. But she would say that if she gave up this account position, would she look like a failure? IDK, there are sooooooo many things to consider

Starting "R".

posts: 80   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2011   ·   location: Ohio
id 5371587
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ForwardMotion ( member #32608) posted at 9:24 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2011

Definitely lots of variables at play. You're maintaining a rational approach...you'll figure out which ones matter most.

I can say without a doubt that job stress or lack of success can be a bitch on self-esteem. This was a major issue with my FWW. She got downsized out her job a number of years ago. We decided she wouldn't go back and she got involved in a variety of other things, but they didn't suffice. She's wired to be a successful wage-earning worker. Doesn't excuse her actions one iota, but it contributed to her mindset that rationalized her behavior.

Same deal with booze. Definitely contributed to lower inhibitions for FWW's ONS, and she self-medicated a lot during the EA that ensued.

It sounds like your W is in the frame of mind to realize there are things she needs to modify and examine. Regardless of whether you decide to R or D, you'll be doing the right thing in supporting her to continue on that path.

Keep hanging in there.

[This message edited by ForwardMotion at 3:24 PM, August 4th (Thursday)]

me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'

posts: 436   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2011   ·   location: Tejas
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ungracie ( member #31901) posted at 12:47 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2011

It seems like your wife had alot of vunerabilities at play that night. Alcohol, work pressures, predatory OM, loneliness. I feel such pain for both of you.

You have described your wife as someone who is a good person. Someone with morals. Someone who loves you deeply. Her actions thus far speak volumes of her character. You chose wisely when you married her.

Infidelity strikes more marriages than the mind can fanthom. You are not alone. What is rare, is a spouse, who out of the gate, lays herself and her betrayal out for you.

I wish you continued clarity of thought. Please take your time on making any decisions.

Me:50BS
married 26 years
together for 29 years
DDay:04/12/10 EA/PA
Working at R

The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.
Ben Okri

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bufffalo ( member #21854) posted at 1:05 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2011

Infidelity strikes more marriages than the mind can fanthom. You are not alone. What is rare, is a spouse, who out of the gate, lays herself and her betrayal out for you.

I agree.....she - so far - has given you alot to work with....something alot of BSs never get....

good luck to the both of you....this is going to be a long journey, both in distance and time.....

Bufffalo

DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me

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 Dead M (original poster member #32972) posted at 8:40 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2011

I talked to my family doctor today and he says my wife is very depressed but not suicidal, and that my talking to her was the best thing that could have happened. She got tested for STD's and her new therapist called to introduce herself to me, at my wife's insistance, so progress is being made. I am able to have more and more control over what is going on, and that helps a lot.

Starting "R".

posts: 80   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2011   ·   location: Ohio
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B Alan ( member #11833) posted at 10:27 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2011

Much credit to your wife for owning up to her actions. And much credit to you for your strength in all of this. I do hope, however, that you are still going to go through with the Polygraph Test? That should clarify, for once and for all, how much she really remembers about what went on that evening. And, maybe even more importantly, will verify if this is the only time this kind of thing has happened since you two married. I would think you would want to verify that?

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aeg512 ( member #30641) posted at 12:28 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2011

From what I have read, I would believe all your WW has said. IMO, the OM took full advantage of the situation and had every intent in going after her. Without a doubt she told him about her problems with the job and he use alcohol to sooth her down than hit her up with his problems and emotionts to get her to his room. At that point more alcohol came out. Her actions right after tell me she did not have any plans for sex to happen. I think when you get home you need to go ahead and talk to her in person and work on your relationship. If not, you need to get into IC as soon as possible to assist you to do this.

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SeanFLA ( member #32380) posted at 1:51 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2011

Dead M

I've been doing a lot of reading on this topic with regards to my WW's ONS. As you know I'm in a bit if a reversed situation where her career took off and mine got sidetracked big time by the recession. Coming from her point of view (although my wife did the unthinkable) here is what I think she's feeling because I'm going through it. I've realized that we are growing apart. With her career expanding she got wrapped up in her success and began to talk about nothing but her deals, her tranaactions, her money. Even if we went to say a dinner party and talked about a new diswasher we just bought, it would always slip out from her as "I wrote a check for the new dishwasher"....not WE paid for that. Needless to say stuff like that really bothered me. We've talked about that on numerous occassions but somehow underneath she had resentments I know. She did her best to stop doing that. But still once in a while things like that would slip out.

In a nutshell what I'm trying to say is that my WW's ego began to emerge over nothing but the money she was making and wanted me to stroke her ego. I think it contributed to 75% of her A. Many people say no, but egos can cloud judgements.

I'm not saying your wife had an ego, but maybe your own wasn't being kept in check more than you know. The reason I say this in reading your posts is that you talk about how great the sex was (cause of your endowment for instance). 90% of sex is between the ears, not the legs. She has probably been thinking she made a huge mistake for a LONG time taking this new job and if you think back she's been trying to tell you somehow. She probably didn't know what to do and was scared to tell you. I know because I was going through it. She saw you advancing and her going the opposite way. Just because things were going good for you doesn't mean things were going good for her. I'm not saying what she did was justified, but maybe embarassment of her job situation had a lot to do with it. Possibly she related to him in a way with his troubles. I know you work a ton of hours and are a good man, but she felt alone. When my wife travels I can't tell you how lonely I felt. Even worse was when she called me she would tell me about all the great meetings she had to secure her big deals. But never ask me how my deals were going. As such I retreated. I didn't want to keep telling her in fear of spoiling things for her. So I kept it in to the point where I was so unhappy with myself I felt stuck. I had a son to watch over and felt I couldn't abandon them to get back to a 60 hour a week again on corporate train. At the same time my self esteem was stuck becasue I wasn't producing for the houshold. As men we are wired to feel like we need to be producing. Believe me it's hard when we can't.

She might be feeling something similar is all I'm saying. Maybe all she needed was you to tell her it was OK. At least until things turned around for her. This recession has been brutal on a lot of people. But those not caught up in it just don't understand. It's kind of the same feeling you have now where others who haven't been through this pain really don't understand it.

I can recommend a few good ebooks if you're interested. My pain is nowhere near ending. My wife wants to be divorced and I think she's playing the alimony game with me so that I get a job and she won't be that much responsible. She is angry becasue I won't give her what she wants right now. Frankly my job right now is not to give her what she wants. My job is to look after myself. That ticket already expired the night she let the hotel room door close. She doesn't need my permission to file for divorce if that's what she wants. But she has to come to realize what may happen. That will probably include her losing her son to me as head of household. Frankly she's being unreasonable, but she will do what she wants. We all have free will as much as it hurts to no avail.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 7:58 AM, August 5th (Friday)]

BS(me) 53
WW 52
1 son 20 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

posts: 1647   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2011   ·   location: Zombie Land
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Ladyogilvy ( member #31558) posted at 3:24 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2011

What happened in that hotel room is not your fault. I'm not sure how much it was her fault either. It sounds like she ended up in an awkward situation she didn't know how to get out of without causing a scene and immediately felt sick about it. Alcohol probably didn't help her make good decisions but she may well have been a victim of this predator who used the alcohol to make her easy prey. She is taking full responsibility, she's not blaming him, perhaps she is taking too much responsibility. Given her action since the incident, she sounds traumatized as much as guilty. Rape victims often think there's something they could have done differently. We all want to believe we have control over situations that things don't just happen. I understand you are upset, and for good reason, but this may be one of those rare situations where getting angry with OM may be appropriate and your wife obviously is needing help and compassion. The facts of her getting out of there and to another place, that she told all the people she did, that he was canned, that she is suicidal... All this leads me to think that she did not want to be there and may really need your support. When you look back on this, you may see that you have both been traumatized by this and will wish you had been able to be more

supportive. If that happens, try not to be too hard on yourself, she may be traumatized but you are as well. But, maybe, you could take a breath and consider the possibility that offering her support now might make you feel better in the long run and help save your wife and marriage. I could be completely wrong, but what is the down side of giving her the benefit of the doubt?

Me: BW 57. Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 65Married stopped counting after too many disappointing anniversaries. Two sons, 24&25 years old. He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable evidence of.

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hopingforhappy ( member #29288) posted at 3:31 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2011

I agree with Lady O--I just have not been able to express it so eloquently. Please reconsider your decision to stay away from your wife. If you think you may want R, you need to be supporting each other through this.

Me--BW (57)
Him--FWH (54)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 21 years
DS-19, DD-16
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

posts: 1655   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2010
id 5372651
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SomewhatWorried ( member #16181) posted at 4:53 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2011

I've seen a lot of posts in this thread about the OM being a predator.

I'm not so sure that is warranted.

Sure, he was probably looking for an easy score and a bit of alcohol can sometimes help facilitate that. Does that make him a predator? I'm not so sure. Is he a creep for trying such on a married woman? Absolutely.

We need to keep in mind that the description given of, 'he was in me before I knew what was happening,' was given by someone that could very likely be trying to minimize their own fault and involvement in getting to that point.

Also, even if her memory was blacking at that point, while he may still be a creep for advancing on a married person, all he really knows is that she was agreeable; she is still responsible for winding up in the room and for allowing herself to drink into a state of irresponsibility and inability to act appropriately.

While this guy may indeed try to 'prey' on vulnerabilities, she is the one that got herself vulnerable. Besides, even tipsy people can still brush aside unwanted advances. The key is that those advances are unwanted and unwelcome. Can we be positive that's the case here?

Or is it more a matter of making the decision, then immediately regretting it?

posts: 176   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2007
id 5372790
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