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Dead M (original poster member #32972) posted at 7:51 AM on Friday, August 12th, 2011
Buff, these are her ideas, not mine. I have said before that I want a wife, not a slave, and I mean it. She has been wracking her brain to find anything and everything to prove herself and show how completely in love with me she is, and the impossibility of anything like this happening again, so I have been letting her. I don't even believe that her counselor would even legally be allowed to disclose information, am I right? After talking with her boss and the OM'S STBX, I am thinking about taking legal action against him for assault, and both will testify against him and my lawyer says that there is a real chance to establish a pattern of predatory behavior by him. I told my wife this and she immediately said that she will do whatever I say, but that she will not excuse her own behavior, and doesn't know if she can ever forgive herself, but my issues will always take precedence. Look....I know how hard she is trying, but I have to have all of the answers to proceed.
Dead M (original poster member #32972) posted at 7:59 AM on Friday, August 12th, 2011
Thank you, Devestated for your hopeful words, but I must know all. This Saturday I will have her take a polygraph (she doesn't know it yet) then I will await the results of our STD tests. Then I will have to see about the legal ramifications, and all of this will either prove her an honest person or a liar. If she has lied about ANYTHING, then we are finished. She has one and only one chance.
Dead M (original poster member #32972) posted at 7:59 AM on Friday, August 12th, 2011
Thank you, Devestated for your hopeful words, but I must know all. This Saturday I will have her take a polygraph (she doesn't know it yet) then I will await the results of our STD tests. Then I will have to see about the legal ramifications, and all of this will either prove her an honest person or a liar. If she has lied about ANYTHING, then we are finished. She has one and only one chance.
bufffalo ( member #21854) posted at 8:18 AM on Friday, August 12th, 2011
Dead...
OK, bro....i understand...just watch her...she may get REALLY depressed...not good.
My FWW would work herself up to "dry heaves" sometimes - just watching TV - with nothing said about her affair.....make herself sick....she was way harder on herself that i ever could have done to her...some remorse i needed and wanted to see....she went overboard sometimes....
Bro....sometimes, with alot of hard work from the both of you - your marriage can get to a place better than it was "pre-affair".....mine did...
Didnt mean to give ya a hard time about that "control" thing....but the hair went up on my back when i read it....sorry.
I cant see a "good" IC agreeing to let you in on everything that goes on in their sessions - but what the hell do i know....
I truely wanna wish both of you the best....your story as it has panned out is not seen around here very often......most drag it on with denial, trickletruth, fog, and other bullshit for weeks, months, sometimes years or never.....
And yeah....i think your OM "at least" needs an asskicking....(yeah, im a redneck 
).... your wife may have very well been a victim in all this.....
Keep in touch..let us know how its going....lots of BSs just quit posting one day and we never know how some of these stories end...
My FWW and I went on to a pretty good R....from DDay to R in probably less than 6 months..to a marriage that was better than it was pre-affair....BUT she, too - did all the right things for that to happen....as yours has - so far....
again, didnt mean to be so hard on ya, bro....you have handled this nightmare well....and it is the single, hardest thing i have lived through...
Be patient....keep an eye on her - the guilt that a remorseful BS goes through can be rough....
later....
Bufffalo 
Dead M (original poster member #32972) posted at 8:51 AM on Friday, August 12th, 2011
Sokay Buff, no harm, no foul. I did speak to her counselor and she seems a nice woman. She did tell me that she has been in this business for a number of years, and has never met a more remorseful woman than my wife, and that she will inform me if my wife reveals anything about the incident that would imply she (wife ) isn't being completely honest with me, but that she feels that my wife is much more a victim than a cheater. IDK, we will see, what we will see.
Laura28 ( member #28997) posted at 9:17 AM on Friday, August 12th, 2011
Dead M
I have read all of the posts on this thread and can understand your pain.
BUT... I am starting to wonder if your W really was a victim of this man.
He may in fact have drugged her. At this stage it is really very unclear what did actually happen.
Believe me when I say that I am the LAST person to defend an unfaithful spouse. I will be interested to hear the results of the poly.
I sincerely hope that if she was in fact a victim not a perpetrator, that you will put this behind you. I am not saying you should forgive her. You shouldn't forgive because if she was raped - then there is nothing to forgive! I know it hurts to know she had sex with another man but I sincerely hope you do not punish her if it was not her fault. If she was drugged (which I strongly suspect if her story is true) she needs and deserves nothing but compassion.
Please do not consider R - there should be no R as she has done nothing wrong.
If she is lying - then kick her to the curb!!!!!
Just make sure you are 100% sure!!!
HUGS
Laura
Married 42yrs Me BW 68Yrs Him F?WH 70yrs OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted. Dday May 28 2010. OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years). OW2 2002(8yrs PA). OW3 2009(1Yr PA). Others?? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck 'em"
toby ( member #10337) posted at 11:58 AM on Friday, August 12th, 2011
Be very cautious my friend. Some things just dont add up. In your first post she says to you that "the sex was not good and only lasted a couple of minutes" and then she left his room 2 hours later, checked out of one hotel and got another within 30 minutes? How does someone really drunk do this on their own? Did the OM help her out and drove her to another hotel?
Has she talked to the OM since they had sex?
Lots of holes in her story...still!
Listen Dead M, I'm not saying that your WW is not remorseful, she sounds like she is, but her actions during and immeadiatily after the "ONS" tells me that she was a willing participant and not a victim of assault.
If that turns out to be the case...can you still find it in your heart to try to reconcile?
Good luck on the poly. My fww passed hers....but she came clean about other "minor" things on the drive to the test.
-Toby
Dead M (original poster member #32972) posted at 8:52 AM on Saturday, August 13th, 2011
I don't want to overplay my hand, but I have multiple avenues of information and have taken steps to learn all that I'm presently in the dark about.
vtach ( member #27639) posted at 5:36 PM on Saturday, August 13th, 2011
DM, You have every right to know the truth. What you don't have a right to are private discussions between your wife and her counselor. I would advise your wife to run like hell if her counselor is willing to disclose their private discussions. And yes it is illegal...for a good reason.
My H is in IC. His choice. I always ask about how it went or what did you discover? He shares what he wants. I would never expect his therapist to call me with a rundown of their session.
Best wishes.
me 48
wh 63
1st DD Thanksgiving day 2009
2nd DD 12/27
3rd DD 3/5/10
We are a work in progress...
Tho I'm fully aware, of your desperate despair, I'm still charmed by the words that you say...Jaron and the Long Road to Love
jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 12:45 AM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011
DeadM,
Did you go through with the poly today?
Just checking up.
BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married over 30yrs.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14
Dead M (original poster member #32972) posted at 4:14 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011
The best possible news , considering the situation. We did the Poly yesterday and she came through with flying colors!! The administrator said that she undoubtedly was and is telling the truth, or what she believes is the truth. On the pertinent questions about her being a willing participant, about whether or not there have been any others, about any previous contact with OM and if she enjoyed the sex with him, she gave unqualified answers and all were in the negative. She truly doesn't know what happened or why, but is unwilling to evade blame or shift responsibility from herself. More and more I'm beginning to think that the OM MAY have slipped her something and she just might be as much a victim as perpetrator, but we have a long way to go to find out all of the answers. I have been studying up on "date rape drugs", but theses substances are very difficult to prove, as the body expels them very quickly, so no test is now able to prove anything after such a long time.
ConfusedBH ( member #31954) posted at 4:16 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011
Every man is afraid of something, that's how you know he's in love with you, when he's afraid of losing you.
Me BH
Her FWW
M 22
R 2yrs.
wifehad5 ( Administrator #15162) posted at 4:16 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011
Great news on the poly
FBH - 52 FWW - 53 (BrokenRoad)2 kids 17 & 22The people you do your life with shape the life you live
Dead M (original poster member #32972) posted at 4:18 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011
Vtach, her counselor cannot and will not give me any verbatim accounts of her sessions, but with my wife's permission, will inform me of any info relating to the incident, or possible relationship issues that my wife may be unaware of. More of a "heads up", sort of thing.
toby ( member #10337) posted at 4:25 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011
ronnie10 ( member #31008) posted at 5:01 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011
I hope everything works out for you two. It sounds like your both definitely headed in the right direction for your marriage to R.
Good Luck, sending positive thoughts to you both.
I like to call it as I see it. Could that be the truth??
Textbook Case ( member #24977) posted at 5:17 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011
(((Dead M)))
I think you and your WW have a real shot at R. I'm pulling for you.
[This message edited by Textbook Case at 11:18 AM, August 14th (Sunday)]
BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...
PhoenixReborn ( member #22135) posted at 7:25 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011
Great news about poly.
Good luck with R.
PR
Me - XBF 40 (Fiance)
Her - XWF (who cares)
# Always trust your Gut - I didn't and am now regretting it. #
-Only give up when you won't regret giving up.-
wonderingbull ( member #14833) posted at 7:32 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011
In the years I've been here I've never seen a situation where there is such a perfect scenario for R....
She's doing all she can and you're doing all you can... I'm rooting for you...
WB
The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...
James Taylor
SomewhatWorried ( member #16181) posted at 8:30 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011
Well, this whole situation still sucks, but I'm more and more inclined to believe that your wife likely doesn't have much to be sorry or remorseful for...she may not have been in her right mind as she may indeed have been unknowingly and unduly chemically influenced.
Find out what you can, but if it becomes apparent there isn't much more than what you've found so far, prosecute OM if at all possible (assuming adequate evidence and all) and just try to heal your wife and yourself from what is starting to look like an assault.
[This message edited by SomewhatWorried at 2:31 PM, August 14th (Sunday)]
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