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This just keeps getting better and better. I finally talked with my MIL, an hour ago, and my wife's Dad (very religious) refuses to speak to her, and has told her that if we divorce, he will disown her. I don't want this. I don't want any of it. MIL says that she thinks my wife is heading for a nervous breakdown. She can't stop crying, she tells everyone what a "whore", she is, and has been fired, along with the OM, from their jobs. She called Om's wife yesterday and confessed all WTF is the matter with people? This is OUR problem, not her boss's. not my in-laws, not my parents, OURS!! I may have to go "home", just to settle things down, and I don't want to , just yet, but I don't want my wife in the nuthouse, either. 2 weeks ago, I was a young exec, with a faithful, hard-working, loving , sexy wife, now I'm in the Twilight Zone.

Don't even go with the revenge sex. You reach climax and though it might feel good that you fucked around and got a little revenge, then what? You'll be back to thinking about your wife, the affair and why did you put the wood to some chick who probably looks like Redd Foxx. You go out and get even, you'll still burn inside. Trust me I know.

I had so many chances to get even and was at the verge many times and not once did I cross that line even when I found out more shit that was worst than the previous shit I had discovered.

First of all, you did the right thing by leaving. This is the time you really need to yourself to get your thoughts together because eventually, you will have to see her again.

Your mind is going to keep you from sleeping and have you going crazy but you aren't the only one going through this. It sucks to be here but it can be a great place to be especially when you want to vent. Good luck brother and hopefully things work out.

Dead M,

You are new to this situation; you are reeling from a great loss, your life has been shattered. She is doing everything right after having caused you to suffer that loss. She is truly sincere in her remorse.

Right now you must do what is best for you. Eat, sleep, drink juice or water, stay hydrated, exercise. This thing is not a sprint it is a marathon.

Your FIL not only loves his daughter but he also loves you. He is sensing your great pain. Everyone surrounding this situation must deal with it in their own way. He is also very hurt and disappointed by what she has done to your marriage. She wasn’t raised to do such a thing.

Take care of yourself brother this is a hard road.

This just keeps getting better and better. I finally talked with my MIL, an hour ago, and my wife's Dad (very religious) refuses to speak to her, and has told her that if we divorce, he will disown her. I don't want this. I don't want any of it. MIL says that she thinks my wife is heading for a nervous breakdown. She can't stop crying, she tells everyone what a "whore", she is, and has been fired, along with the OM, from their jobs. She called Om's wife yesterday and confessed all WTF is the matter with people? This is OUR problem, not her boss's. not my in-laws, not my parents, OURS!! I may have to go "home", just to settle things down, and I don't want to , just yet, but I don't want my wife in the nuthouse, either. 2 weeks ago, I was a young exec, with a faithful, hard-working, loving , sexy wife, now I'm in the Twilight Zone.

You know what? You may have to go home in order to settle things down. You gotta remember that you aren't the only one affected by this. You can clearly see that. It will probably be hard but it may be the right thing to do. Once things are settled, then you can reach for the space you need to start healing yourself.

I think what's killing your wife is wondering where you are and not knowing; and sometimes, that's the best revenge you can have.

First off.... Take a deep breath.... Sure the world you knew has been burned to the ground... You've got a lot of company in that group here on SI...

You're going to have to think through this with a level head... You didn't get to where you are professionally by making knee jerk reactions... Approach this like your business right now...

Go back when you're ready to... I know when I pretty much knew what was going on I ran off to a beach front Hilton in Florida for a few weeks... I enjoyed being out of the fire for a while... I recharged my batteries and got my head on straight for the battles a head... But, one morning I woke up and knew it was time... I was ready...

I wasn't looking forward to it but I loaded up and went to the task at hand... It was really shitty but when I was ready to do it I did it right...

The ball is in your court dribble it when you want to...

WB

In the first few weeks after discovery you are reeling- we all were.. your emotions are everywhere.

Please DO NOT have a revenge A- it will make you feel worse and complicate things for you even more. And the loathing you feel for yourself will be enormous. I know as tempting as the thought for all of us is I just couldn't do it because it would tear me apart, and I think it would destroy your soul.

You are justifiably angry, hurt, devastated and a host of other emotions. And that is THE VERY WORST TIME to be making life altering decisions.

Look at my profile. I have lived thru a quarter century of the event and then the aftermath, the R and all that goes with a W's infidelity and the recovery from it.

I know where you are at right now -- and I can tell you with confidence that your outlook will change over time.

Don't have a revenge A. You will immensely regret it later. You will feel ashamed of yourself for breaching your own sense of honor. Keep your honor. Continue being able to be proud of yourself.

Don't file for D while you are still in this initial state of anger and torment. D may eventually be the right answer for you; or maybe it won't. Give yourself time to get back to a more even keel. To where you can evaluate all aspects of the situation with your intellect rather than with raw emotion. That will give you a resolution you can live with comfortably rather than possibly live with regret at a decision reached too hastily out of pain and outrage.

I have to tell you, from your description of your W's words and actions -- there are very many BHs on here who would love to have faced a situation where the WW came clean on her own, showed the level of Remorse yours is showing and showed the determination from the star to fix things that yours is showing. This isn't meant to belittle your pain or your WWs actions. It hurts like hell for you and it has forever changed your life. No doubt about that. But she really does sound remorseful and desparate to R and that is a major positive compared to what so many of us have faced or are facing. Just give yourself some time to let the initial anger pass and see what you think you want at that point.

A last comment. And some may say I am being too soft on a WW. Maybe. But I think one always has to look at each set of facts as unique and evaluate them standing on their own.

Did your WW make a horrendous mistake? Yes. Any excuse for it? No. Does she have an entitlement or right to forgiveness? No.

BUT -- your description of her confession and reactions tells me that you have an excellent chance at R if you decide you want it. It appears she is already paying a high price on many fronts and not whining or complaining or trying to blameshift. I would not just cut her off with no communication. You don't have to be conciliatory or forgiving or anything of that sort at this point. But I would at least talk to her. Tell her you are hurting; that you need time to think; that you will stay in touch and tell her what you are thinking. And give her a chance to show you if she is truly remorseful. That's called leaving your options open. YOU are in control of your future now. Keep your options open.

This SI is a great place. You guys have given me lots to think about, and most of the advice mirrors what I've been thinking to myself, except the "revenge affair", idea. When all of this preys on my mind, at night, I'm beginning to think, Jamaica!! Why not? I go down there for a few days, do some fishing, some drinking, relax, and if a cute Jamaican lass shows interest, then have some fun. After all I've got a free pass, right? I call my "wife", tell her I will talk to her in.....days, and maybe see what I've been missing for 8 years. Not to punish her, exactly, but more to find out if the single life is for me or not. I already know that I can take the time off, and even if I didn't f**k anybody, it sure sounds inviting. I have always been the "go to" guy in my family. Maybe it's time for others to step up to the plate, and give me an effing break.

I have decided to call her tonight, and e-mailed her as much. If for no other reason than to chill everybody the hell down. Her boss called me and said that she could still have her job, but she would no longer be able to travel, and would have to accept a demotion to the corporate office, and she accepted.

[This message edited by Dead M at 12:27 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday)]

Take your time. The first few weeks are a living hell. Once you are thinking clearer, you can decide what course you follow. Her being truthfully is a big plus. Many of us have to drag the truth out of our spouses even if they confess.

Take care of yourself and get stronger.

DeadM...

take a deep breath....

Eat something...try to rest...yep, this shit sucks, bro....BUT..you will survive.

You have been given alot of good advice on how to handle this shit you got handed to you......

i concur with some of the others....you have a confession...you have something to work with..

Take a lil time to read the "healing library"...itll outline some of the dynamics of affairs - give you a better understanding of what they are all about....

Read....post.....ask questions... Take your time, bro....you will NOT get over this in a week or so - hell, this ride lasts sometimes years to get through....dont need to make major decisions today...

keep us posted...

Bufffalo

Take some deep breaths. You have every right to be angry. Revenge Affairs only make it worse. Don't do anything you will regret later, because you and only you will have to live with yourself.

We all have been down that road and think that it will make us feel better.

This is a long road. In the first few weeks you are all over the place. You are angry and hurt. Your self esteem takes a beating. Everything you thought or believed in is gone. Its a horrible place to be.

No matter what you decide, you will still need time to recover from this.

Hang in there, just keep breathing.

DM you've had some great advice. The folks of SI know exactly how you are feeling because we have all walked in your shoes.

Everyone reacts in a different way but there are similarities. Before you know it, it has grown arms and legs like a triffid out of control.

Stop a while and breathe. Your world has been turned upside down but you will survive and you will come through this, crazy as it seems now.

Best advice is to look after your health, eat, drink water and take some excercise. Nothing has to be decided right away and you don't have to do anything other than eat, sleep and drink fluids.

The rollercoaster of emotions will see you dart back and forth between disbelief, anger, anguish and confusion. It will take its toll so take care of you.

Get into counselling asap. Having someone to tell it to really helps but try to get a good IC, one who has experience with infidelity, that's very important. Rant, rave, shout and vent here. Lean on us when it gets too hard to handle. There's always someone here to listen and respond.

As for the revenge thing, don't go there. Muddying the waters will not help and STD's are rife. Protect yourself. You will be ok.

I'm so sorry for your situation but glad you found SI.

First and foremost you must do what is best for you right now.

You have been thrust into a drama you did not create and although you may think there has been over reaction to the situation it seems more like a normal process for a remorseful WW. If in reality anything is this situation can have the definition of normal in any case it is now a new normal.

Consider a timeline for yourself, you know your limitations and let that be your guide.

Your thoughts of getting away sound great also the call to her will settle things somewhat on her end.

Remember you are not single and there is no need in creating a need for you to confess anything. Watch out for alcohol, drinking during this stage can cause you some real personal damage.

Wow, considering the circumstances, you should feel lucky to have such decent people around you, starting from your inlaws, especially her FIL, to her boss. I guess this is why one must look at the family origin in choosing your spouse. You seem to have so much going for you despite your W's ONS.

Please acknowledge all these positive elements of your life. Although it is sad that you joined this club, I am sure there so many BS here that envy you for these reasons. You can have RA and whatever to make yourself feel better, but I honestly do not think it will have the effect you are looking for. She certainly does not deserve fidelity from you as she broke the vow herself. But, this is not about Justice. This is about your marriage which you vested so much in. Unless you decide to end it all, it would be better not to cause more turmoil on top of this. Also, all your inlaws and others seem to respect you and your marriage, and they seem all honorable people. Please do not lower your standard and cheapen yourself by having RA or else. She certainly does not deserve a faithful H at this point, but you don't have to destroy the M further, which will damage you more and especially your honor in the eyes of all these people. Don't do anything stupid in the heat of angry moment. Just try to calm down.

This may be a poor analogy, but everytime I get a new car and find the first scratch, it makes me very mad. But, that does not mean I have to trade the car. Your M hereafter will never be the perfect M, just like my new car with an ugly scratch mark, but that does not mean you should start over with new M. Nor does it make it better by making another scratchmark out of anger, as the car is after all yours as much as hers. You are only hurting yourself more.

I am sorry you find yourself in this mess. She is already paying a heavy price by embarassing herself in front of everyone around her. It's as if she gets stripnaked and being stoned by all others. I know this also is something you did not want and something that has been done without your consent, which angers you. But, What wouldn't anger you at this stage?

Just regain your composure and take the leadership of your family by starting to talk to your W and start working on damage control as the man of the house. She is the one who caused all this comotion, but she is still your W and she needs you so desperately now, more than ever. Try to find a pity, if there is no other feeling you can find for her now, and get engaged again as her H and as the man of the house.

Dead M

Look you haven't cheated all these years why? Because you honored your vows! You have integrity in yourself! You walk proud because YOU love your wife. Not past tense that love didn't die. You are mad as hell! Rightfully so. You trusted her. But let me tell you something. Noone and I say noone is absolute of fault no matter who you are. Your wife could of hid this and you would of known nothing at all. Nothing. She may of lost her way but honey she found it real quick. She already is taking steps here that others would of died to have. A spouse that tells their boss and understands they could be fired for telling! OH MY she is human she made the biggest mistake of her life. YEs I said mistake so SI'rs don't 2x4 me!

Of course we all here back you in your decision.

You can reconcile you can have a good no great life..

Your wife has to do the work and be willing to do the work for the rest of her life.

I am super glad you are going to talk to her tonite. Sending positive vibes your way..

DeadM

Nothing like a cheating wife to make you feel like your balls have been kneed (x1000) by an NFL linebacker. Plenty of BHs around here to concur. If I may offer my perspective, I will hope you will find something useful in it.

First, do not have a f***fest of your own. You will only hate yourself later. Seriously. At least don't do it for a while, until you really decide to divorce. Then you will have plenty of time to chase as much pussy as you want.

Now to more tactical matters. Have you gone to a lawyer to find out what a D will cost you? I am not saying to file, I am just saying to get knowledge. Knowledge is power.

Make sure you consider and then reconsider all your actions towards your wife. Your emotions are in control now because you have been crushed. I remember the feeling of being out of control. It totally sucks. From your prose, I suspect you are a very rational, intelligent man. But right now you feel anything but rational. That is a terrible feeling on top of the betrayal.

Talk with your wife and see what she has to say. If you suspect she is unhinged, get her help. Listen, but as much as you can, DETACH. Don't scream or hastily reply. One word answers cause less problems later. I know this is asking the impossible, but if you can, approach talking with your wife as if you were a third party unaffected by her horrible actions. If you can get there, it will help you a LOT.

Seek counseling. I am a medical doctor and we JUST DO NOT DO THAT. Well, I did and it really helped. It sucked at times, but it has made a significant difference for me.

If you have kids, put your effort into them. They will need you now to be the strong one.

And most of all, realize that there are a lot of people here who really want to help. So you will get a LOT of advice. Only you can decide what is best. But feel free to ask. From my perspective, this is a great place of healing. Without it, I would not be where I am in terms of healing from my wife's betrayals.

Strength and peace to you brother. You will need both.

So sorry you are going thru this. I just remember wanting to get revenge just to make my husband know how it feels. I am so glad I didn't. What helped me was my daughters I didn't want them to have a mom like that. It's been a hard long journey but it does get easier I promise. Take one day at a time. I have a friend who was in your wifes shoes and I saw the pain she was in. I felt so bad for her because her life fell apart and they finally divorced. The choice is yours but think long and hard before you really decide anything. Also, with or without her it will be hard for you so get help so you can heal so it won't effect your new relationships in the future. Best of luck to you.

Hey my man.... I've got no problem with going to Jamaica, after all, I went to Florida but keep the wick in the shorts....

Believe me, you've got more than most of us had going for us.... Most of us were literally flying blind... We had our ww/wh put a blindfold on us, spin us around in a round room then tell us we'll know the truth when we find the corner..... It's maddening...

You on the other hand don't have the blindfold... Your ww told you what happened willingly... You're not being tossed crumbs and you don't have to figure out that there is no corner in the round room...

Once you get past this shock and horror you'll see things with a different set of eyes.... Trust us... We've been there, done that...

WB

DM,

I am so sorry you are here among us, but you found a great place, even somewhere you can come years later!

It is fine to be mad ... be as mad as you want!!! Throw things (not at anyone), scream, cry .... anything to let it out.

It will get better. This is usually the hardest time.

It is all about YOU making decisions for YOU. I am sorry your wife is having a hard time but this was HER choice and she brought every bit of this on HERSELF. She wants to have a nervous breakdown, that is HER nervous breakdown SHE has brought on herself. You dont need to save her right now. Let someone else do it, or better yet, let her take care of herself.

You might consider finding a hobby or something you used to enjoy that takes your mind away from things. I have horses and I rode as much I could drag myself off the couch. When I did I felt SO much better. Even if only for a few minutes. I suggest you find something .... workout, take pictures, join a club, work on your car/boat/motorcycle, run, read ...

Something else that really worked for me was journaling. I couldnt get enough time in the beginning! I went and bought different pens until I found the ones I liked the most, different colors, brands, types. It is very interesting to go back and read what I was going through ... and it helped me focus some of my anger also. Then sadness and moving on, or rebuilding.

About the RA .... remember your choices last FOREVER. If you go down that path you will be just like your WW .... a MadHatter ... and that is NOT COOL !!!!!!!!

If you cross that line, you have crossed it FOREVER

Right now it is about YOU. If you need time, you take it. If this is a dealbreaker, well, her loss. If you can R, then great but it is YOUR choice.

Take as much time as YOU need before you go home. SHE made the choices and if she is suffering, all the more for her to think about.

If you do go home and see if you can R it might be worth getting some MC. THere may be something in your marriage that needs adjusting (beyound you wifes ability to make decisions and have appropriate boundries!). I read a LOT of great books while I tried to R (my exH didnt really try, he made it looklike he did for the whole victim game he loves!) ... but I learned a TON about relationships, people, interacting with others and even how to read people in an effort to spot those who are lying to you .... best experience of my life!

If this is a dealbreaker, you will heal and move on and find someone even more wonderful! There are a WHOLE lot of people out there who DON'T cheat (even though sometimes it is hard to see :)).

I hope you feel better soon! Keep posting, there are lots of people here who feel your pain and understand exactly what you are going through!!