SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Had my wh take a polygraph and it cost $400...money well spent. It at least let me know what EXACTLY I am dealing with. I say if you have any lingering doubt, do it!

You can find one in your area on the internet. Look for one FBI trained. Good ones want to limit the questions to baseline questions plus about 10 dealing with the infidelity. Any beyond that just muddy the outcome of the test apparently.

Hang tough! You are doing GREAT! You really have more to work with here than you think you do because you have a wife who confessed and seems to be truly remorseful. Many do not have that. That doesn't make you "lucky"...there isn't a person here who is lucky to be in this position. BUT it means you have a platform to work from if you want it(even if it seems you don't right now).

Dead M,

I'm almost 4 years out from dday with a FWW who started a PA with a colleague while on a business trip. Like in your situation she also went up to a room with him after drinks at night. She initially went into minimizing mode saying she didnt plan on having sex and it just happened. My wife didnt confess on her own but upon discovery she also went into this frightened mode where she did her best to make things not sound as bad to me and honestly to herself as well.

From my perspective you and your wife each need to do your best to look at what happened as realistically as possible.

First, for you it is important to accept that your wife had sex with this man because she wanted to. It wasnt an accident and she didnt get tricked into it. You will kill yourself replaying this incident over and over in your head looking for any way possibile that the woman you thought could never do this didnt really.

Where she has to take over is to really own that decision, not just the result of the decision. What led her to that room with him where no married woman should be? This discovery is really what you will need to understand how each of you could move forward.

It took me so long to stop trying to process it all through the way I used to

Sorry. Got cut off.

Was just going to wrap up by saying now you will need to look at her differently and try to understand a different imperfect person than the one you thought you loved.

It can be difficult and filled with shadows but it can also be rewarding to come out the other side of something like this with someone.

This actually makes it much easier for me. I am trying to understand the "why", of it, and wondering if finding out, will give me enough hope that I will be willing to try a reconciliation. I DO know one thing. I know she is remorseful, and I know that she has bent over backwards, sideways and upside down, to show that she loves me and that it will not happen again, and maybe the polygraph can help in that respect, but if she f**ked him simply because she wanted to, then the marriage is over, for good.

Hey Dead M - sorry this happened to you, hang in there. As you've seen there are a bunch of great folks on here. This site has helped save my sanity and so far, my marriage (still a work in progress).

You're doing a great job managing your feelings and keeping a level head, that's probably the hardest thing to do early on.

As noted by others, your WW's reaction suggests that this is a one-off and she's horrified at what she's done, both personally and professionally. Is there more to the story? Maybe. Alcohol could be blurring some things. You're a logical guy, keep drilling until you're satisfied that you know what you need to know.

Could she be suffering from depression?

You'd need to look at your WW's behavior patterns prior to the event to start to get a handle on this. You mentioned her job hadn't been great. Are there other signs of depression? Lack of interest in things, more subdued nature, etc.? I know it played a part in my FWW's 'whys'.

If you decide to R, you're going to want to delve into the 'Why', past the 'drinking and sorry for him' part. At the very least, there's a core boundary issue present.

Wishing you continued strength.

If he was "very drunk" as you say, wouldn't he have trouble getting hard?? I'm not a guy, but that's been my experience with alcohol and men.

Just want to say that my H has no trouble whatsoever "getting hard" when he's drunk....he just has trouble finishing,usually because he gets tired and has to stop....so alcohol does'nt always mean men have trouble getting it up!

ETA:

Just wanted to add that you have a really good chance for R here, although, as everyone says, that decision is entirely up to you. But your wife is being open & honest here, and thats BIG! I had to find out myself...and to then get the half truths coming out here & there.

I really hope that you can work it out.

Hugs

[This message edited by Devastated2010 at 11:08 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday)]

but if she f**ked him simply because she wanted to, then the marriage is over, for good.

My take on all this.....

People cheat for a variety of "reasons"....there is more to it than "simply because she wanted to"....

Discounting exit affairs (yours isnt, mine wasnt, either), people use cheating as a form of self medication for, what i call - pre-affair issues. Mine cheated for outside validation, an attempt to stroke her ego - to achive a "high"....like a junkie on crack....

People can get a rush form an affair...like gambling, spending money, or skydiving....

Affairs are forbidden, they are new and exciting....and they are bullshit. They are an escape from reality...a break from kids, jobs, mortgages, messy houses, a break from mundane daily routines.....

My wife suffered from depression, and used her A as an escape....not making excuses for her - she has 100% of the blame in her decision to cheat.....

She was also an alcholic.....also another factor...she had 4 years clean - but the behaviors were still there....they are called "dry drunks"....

I suggest weekly IC for your wife - to find out why she put herself in a position to do what she did...

I believe she "so far" is doing all the "right things" to "win you back"....as my wife also did.

Bro....some BHs never get the "snotting, blubbering, crying, im so sorry i hurt you, mascara dripping off of her chin" apology....i feel that when you get one of those - you may have something to work with....true remorse is the ONE thing you gotta have BEFORE R is gonna happen...methinks you have it.

Yep...this BH stuff is bullshit - the single hardest thing i have ever lived through.....its a bitch, bro....You will survive - one way or another....with her, or without her.

My FWW and i went on to a pretty good R....in fact - at a year out - we were in a better place in our marriage than we had been..several years prior to the affair....it is possible.

Take a deep breath....this shit is not gonna be over in a few weeks, or even months.....its gonna take time - and alot of work from both of you - especially from your wife....

Sometimes indifelity is a dealbreaker....and its OK. My oldest daughter found out that her H had an 18 month affair....she filed for D - and never looked back...sometimes thats the way it goes, and thats OK, too.....

Dont have to make a decision today....i gave myself 3 months (wife didnt know of my self imposed timetable) to decide and at the end of that 3 months my "give a shit" hadnt quit working - we might have a chance at R.....

Most important...."actions speak louder than words"... watch her actions what are they saying??

Good luck...

Keep us posted...

Bufffalo

Your wife did a shameful thing but she has been honest and sincere about her actions and she had the courage to confess about her ONS. She wasn't prepared to sneakily continue the marriage and keep this betrayal to herself.

That really does count for a lot; the refusal to live a marriage with a dark secret. The laudible determination to confess even if it costs her everything.

Please give reconcilation serious consideration.

I'm undecided, but am willing to listen to reason. I have told my wife that she will HAVE to go to therapy, and I will know all of the reason(s) why it happened, before I will even attempt R. I also told her that if I ever catch her in a lie, I will divorce her immediately, and she is to NEVER be alone with any other man, without my consent, and then only in a public setting. Right now she would crawl across broken glass for a kind word, but she has to earn that kind word. The love and trust I willingly gave her, she must earn every day for the rest of her life. Can she do it? IDK. Last night she told me that I was more important to her than her own life, I told her to prove it.

but if she f**ked him simply because she wanted to, then the marriage is over

First thing I would like to point out is it is obvious to me that the OM was about as predatory as they come from her description of events. I'd not be surprised if he planned everything.

Secondly, I can say from experience, that I have made choices when I was drunk that I deeply regretted later (when I was a much younger man in the Army). So much so that in nearly 25 years together my wife has never seen me drunk, and I come from a long line of alcoholics.

DM, I know this hurts like a bitch, I know the anger you feel when you discover something like this has happened and how that anger just grows every time you ponder the situation. It's a real shock to find out the woman you thought was the perfect wife is human after all and capable of making a terrible mistake.

But in all of this there is a silver lining. You have a truly remorseful spouse who would do anything to undo the damage she has done, and from what you have described she is fully cognizant of that damage.

As bad as this feels, as much as it hurts, you can save your marriage if you want to. Like I said before, for some people, infidelity of any kind is a deal breaker, and that's a personal choice that is completely valid. But one shouldn't make that choice when in the grip of the strong emotions infidelity raises. Consider carefully all of the factors present when you decide what you want to do and do it with a cool head.

I'll tell you honestly if I were in your situation I would talk with her, face to face. I would try to step outside myself and look at this as objectively as I could, and I would consider several such meetings, possibly with a counselor present, before I made any permanent decisions.

The thing you need to think about is is this a hole in the road or an uncrossable chasm for you. Your wife is already offering transparency in her life. She's already telling you that whatever you need to heal this wound she will do. She's even gone so far as to confess her sins to all and sundry, even the OM's wife. For me, these are the actions of a deeply repentant person. Being the flawed man I have been in the past, I would have to consider a second chance before I let my marriage die from this wound.

Again, that's just how I would react in your situation. You may feel differently, even after you get the anger under control, and that's okay. That's perfectly acceptable. But I would want to at least try to save my marriage, if for no other reason than to say I gave it my best shot. For me her repentance strikes a note of sympathy. Not for what she has done, but for how far she is willing to go to make up for it. For me, effort counts and anyone trying as hard as she apparently is deserves another chance. Think it over.

I wish you love, luck and wisdom, Bro

C=64

Last night she told me that I was more important to her than her own life, I told her to prove it.

Blimey.

Many of us would have loved to have had the remorseful spouse that you seem to have. But.... Eclipses "just happen". Affairs or ONS don't without poor boundaries, poor choices, selfishness, and sometimes alcohol. I told my FWW that if she couldn't tell me why she did it, and own it, that there would be no R. You can show remorse, but if you want me to believe that "events" and not your choices caused it, then it's "Check please, I'm done." good luck.

Dead

U have been given tons of advice....but I will tell you this. Your wife sounds very very much remorseful. She is doing this the right way.....from what you tell us. Do not overlook that. I know your pain, but don't let it own you and make a stupid decision...I too felt all the things and urges you did.

What I have now is the marriage of both our dreams.....sometimes it does not work out that way, but she sounds very willing and very committed. Good luck and think with the big head.

One thing that stands out.

Initially it is said she went to his room to discuss his problems, yet if that is the case why is she now giving excuses for why she slept with OM:

and she has said that it wasn't about sex, as much as it was the alcohol and lonliness and frustration, her job hasn't been good for a year now, due to the economy.

This seems odd, especially if she actually only went to the room for the reasons initially stated.

I would query your WW further.

However I still think you should give R a shot.

PR

[This message edited by PhoenixReborn at 3:11 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday)]

I feel sorry for her to be honest. She made a bad mistake and has had the courage to admit it; Don't crucify her for it.

You asked the question earlier about possible depression. I would say it sounds like it with panic attacks. She does need to see the family doctor about this. That can explain some of the exposure she did on herself. I also think she is being up front with you and you need to also be seeing a therapist due to the harm her actions have done to you. That could help you think more clearly. A poly could put your mind to ease much quicker but you need to remember, the results could be affected by her mental state so would only have an excellent tester give the test. Would find one that trains others.

This doesn't sound like typical ONS stuff.... this sounds borderline assault.

Is it possible he spiked her drink? For her to leave the hotel, flip the heck out, destroy her life, etc that sounds like a lot more than a WW to me.

As for the rest, it appears she was distorted and trying to make sense of it.

This MOM was a predator looking for a nice woman to latch his claws onto.

This is by way of an update about what has been happening , Today. I talked with the wife of the OM, they are separated because he has cheated before, and been caught. This does not excuse my wife, however. I talked to a professional polygraph tester, who was recommended by my lawyer (their firm has used him in the past) and he advises that he give her the test without prior knowledge, so there's that to look forward to. I talked to her (wife) again this morning and later in the day, and she has already begun to show proof of her intentions. She will be tested for STD'S tomorrow, and will begin therapy on Monday, next. She realizes that her story sounds bad, but says that is what she remembers feeling that night. She says she never intended to have sex with him, beforehand, and repeated this several times, between apologies, forgive me's, and I love you more than life's. She also told me that she is shocked by what she has done, but will accept full blame, and whatever punishment I see fit, simply for the chance to R. Her family doctor has put her on sedation, until she can begin therapy, and her Dad and Mom and her boss have told me that she will never be alone, for her safety and for my peace of mind.

This is by way of an update about what has been happening , Today. I talked with the wife of the OM, they are separated because he has cheated before, and been caught. This does not excuse my wife, however. I talked to a professional polygraph tester, who was recommended by my lawyer (their firm has used him in the past) and he advises that he give her the test without prior knowledge, so there's that to look forward to. I talked to her (wife) again this morning and later in the day, and she has already begun to show proof of her intentions. She will be tested for STD'S tomorrow, and will begin therapy on Monday, next. She realizes that her story sounds bad, but says that is what she remembers feeling that night. She says she never intended to have sex with him, beforehand, and repeated this several times, between apologies, forgive me's, and I love you more than life's. She also told me that she is shocked by what she has done, but will accept full blame, and whatever punishment I see fit, simply for the chance to R. Her family doctor has put her on sedation, until she can begin therapy, and her Dad and Mom and her boss have told me that she will never be alone, for her safety and for my peace of mind.

I really hope you're not seriously talking about punishment, Dead M - what purpose would that serve?