SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not trying to be harsh or make things harder for you. I'm doubting you'll be here much longer.

Bellichick, your affair is still very much alive and well. You're not really even "no contact". You're in the star-crossed lover's stage and whole operas have been written about that shit.

Our minds can be our greatest strengths and our worst weaknesses. That's really where affairs live. Long before and long after anyone else is talked to, touched or fucked. Sorry to be crude. That's what affairs are. Crude obscenities we do to ourselves and others. Nothing poetic about any of this.

So sorry you're struggling. Please protect and rebuild your integrity.

UO is right about the not really being in NC.

You still engage him in some form everyday at work. he doesn't have to be in the same room. he is in the same area and that can mess with you mentally.

A fire is not truly out until all the embers have ceased to burn.

Being in the same area and keeping this a secret keeps the affair very much alive.

We hurt each other and destroyed our friendship and you're right, he can never be my friend again.

Yes you're right that you can never be friends again. the part you're not getting yet is that he wasn't a true friend at the start either.

Friends would have encouraged your to confess to your husband and not encouraged your secrecy with him and not your husband. The "friend" allowed you to have a second A with him, while he knew you were reeling from the aftermath of your first A. This is not a very good friend. this is not a friend at all.

Yes you will be hurting from missing the exAP. You say it'll never happen again. I bet that's what you thought when you were confiding in AP2 about AP1.

the other guys are right here, you can't just say I hurt now and it's so bad now I'll never do it again I know this. Even if you never disclose to you BH and he doesn't find out, then these feelings will fade in time and they will not be enough to stop you from straying again.

I'm with the others on this, you need to try and identify why you felt the need to seek attention/sex outside the M. Your BH hasn't presumably, so why did you feel it was ok to do so? The second A you were confiding in a male friend, why not a female friend at least? Someone safer even like a therapist?

Ultimately what you've been urged to do here is right, you must tell you H. He deserves to know as much as it will tear him apart. He deserves to makes his own choice about his future. you chose to have an A. And then chose to have another one. You now have to give him a choice in whether he wants to reconcile with you and get over this honestly with you.

My BH tells me over and over again how different our R would have gone if firstly I'd confessed rather than been caught at each stage. And secondly if once caught I'd told him everything up front rather than trickle truthed.

damn right I regret my A. But I regret not confessing and being honest from the start WAY MORE now. BS's that do this have a way better chance at successful reconiliation that people like me that didn't. Please don't make the mistakes I did.

It's not a good feeling to look in the internal mirror and know you are a cheat and a liar who did nothing but consistently protect themselves ahead of their BS.

Telling the truth will be the most frightening thing you've ever done I suspect. Please do it though. You will be a better person for doing so.

Everyone here has already made so many good suggestions to you I don't have much to add. I just want to offer my support and let you know I empathize with you. I also realized my mistake and ended my A before ever being discovered. I swore to myself when it started that I would take it to the grave and I was the type of person who could easily lie rather than face the consequences of my actions or reveal something that would hurt someone I love. In all honesty, I hurt my husband the moment I decided to engage in an A, whether he knew about it or not. There’s always a part of yourself that your spouse isn’t receiving; a deception that will slowly rot to the core of your marriage. I willingly confessed everything to my BH last August, and I mean every little detail. Every horrible thing I had done over the previous 4 years, so bad that to this day I believe it is unforgivable. So why has he forgiven me? Because I told him willingly. Because I decided that I respected him enough to give him the option to leave me if he chose. Because he deserved to know who I was and who I wanted to be. Because I’ve done everything in my power to prove to him that I’m a different person now. I won’t lie, it was the hardest thing I have ever done and I’m sure will ever do short of losing a child. But I feel I’ve maintained a shred of integrity now. I can’t really explain it. Even now my nature fights the idea of such an awful confession with every fiber of my being, but I KNOW I did the right thing. And honestly, my husband is thankful I told him. No matter how much he hates what I did, being truly remorseful it HUGE to a BS’s healing. And I can tell you are.

I also want to mention that my AP was so sure his BW would take his kid and leave him if she found out. So convinced in fact that he asked me to have an abortion of the child I was carrying because of the slight chance it might be his. Well after I told my BH, I confessed to his BW a week later. It wasn’t done out of spite, but because like my BH she deserved to know. She thanked me for telling her. I haven’t spoken to either of them since but I do know she didn’t leave him.

I'm not leaving here and I'm not going to slip up and slide back to him this time. I am here and I am processing all of what you say even if I don't agree with it all. Are there not other ppl on here that háve chosen to end an affair on their own and come here for support? Did everyone have to have a Dday to end it? I have chosen what I believe is the best path for my family since I screwed up. I am seeking IC to explore why I had these As. I do not work in the same building as my exAP and we are not seeking each other out. Although I chose to end it, he agreed it was the best decision. I'm sure he has moved on and is dating. Thank you all again but i am not leaving here and falling into another A.

It's good you're going to hang around -- there is a lot of good advice on these boards, and you can make use of it whether or not you decide to end the lies. Some people may seem combatant, but we all want to help.

I think you'll see a lot of people reiterating that you need to take a very hard look at whether keeping this quiet IS the best thing for your family or just the best thing for you. Even if somehow the affairs don't come out, you are never going to be fully present in your relationship with your husband -- it's not that you'll be living in a self-created hell (as you said), it's that you are consciously perpetuating that hell.

This will take a tremendous toll on you over time. By association, this will take a toll on your husband and family, and you may not even notice it. This is a horrible thing to have festering in the family closet for a lifetime to come, and the stench will find it's way out of that closet in ways you can't predict. Just be very aware of that.

I believe there probably are waywards here who have come clean to themselves about the affair, stopped it and are trying to live a good life without revealing it. They may be able to stick to that and not cheat again, and maybe no one will ever be the wiser. I just don't know how successful that can be, though.

Having cheated on my wife and been confronted with it, then having admitted it... I cannot imagine continuing to perpetuate such a horrific crime against her as not telling the truth. The pain of the betrayal is huge. The pain of continued deception adds so much more.

WS only.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 9:26 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)]

Let me tell you a few reasons why your plan to take the affairs to your grave won't work.

1. If you have a shred of a conscience, it will haunt you. You can tuck it away, but it never goes away. You will be living a lie. You will never be able to be fully open with your BH, with your "'lik secrets" tucked away.

2. Your BH may find out.

3. STDs. It's so cute when we think our friends don't have them. My "friend" was a doctor. He had an STD, didn't know it. 1 in 4, honey, has something.

4.What exactly was your plan to change? Promise on the bible, your life? Unless you fix the holes in your soul you cannot heal and be better. It is all a facade.

5. Are you planning to go to IC covertly and read books about infidelity and self-help in the bathroom so BH doesn't find out? What is he catches you posting on SI? Egad! What lies will you tell then?

7. You say there are marital problems. That's the same shitty excuse so many of us made to cheat. Rather than confront, divorce, we made a choice to betray.

So, what is the plan to work on your M now? Do you really feel entitled to ask him to work on his issues when he doesn't even know your darkness? You want to work on the M, but yet YOU alone have done the most destruction possible.

8. You don't want to hurt BH. Yet, you already have. Let's not pretend. Not telling is protecting you. Love would have been never cheating.

9.I don't see any WS on here that actually last without a DDay. If there are, I hope they chime in. (Crickets) But who knows, maybe you'll be the first.

You sound like me 10 years ago. I was smart enough to know better. I said I wanted to protect my BH. It destroyed our next 8 years of M, although I was so numb I barely realized it.

But I'm sure you'll be fine.

That is sarcasm.

You chance to live honestly is now. You are afraid. You should be afraid of the future founded on lies.

Mrs. P has some excellent points. Exactly how do you plan to do all this hard work without your husband seeing you? what excuse will you give him if and when you go to IC? My husband used to say to me often, "just because I don't say shit doesn't mean I don't see shit". I used to blow that off - BIG MISTAKE. Give your husband some credit. He knows something's up. How can he not? He's been around you for years - he knows your habits, your quirks, your routine, etc. He picks up when you're having an off day. He senses when you're not ok. You're underestimating him. Your ego is still in the driver's seat. I understand self-preservation but at what cost?

You say you don't want to hurt your husband but by continuing to lie and deceive him on a daily basis, that's precisely what you're doing. How would you feel if he was perpetrating this kind of behavior on you? You would be hurt beyond words. You would be angry, feel betrayed and see him as nothing but a liar. You would look at him and wonder who the hell that man is. You would feel that your whole marriage has been a lie. If you don't believe me or feel that somehow your situation is different, feel free to go to the I Can Relate forum and find the "For Those That Found Out Years Later" thread and read it. You're doing more damage than you can even begin to imagine.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 10:01 AM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

I honestly get (as do most of us WS') the "If I tell, I'm hurting my BS even more" spiel, but let's face it, it IS bullshit. I've said this quite a few times, as others have, but a few months after I confessed to my BH he said "Just so you know, I knew something was off, just didn't know what it was. Also? Had I found out months, years later? Absolutely no chance for reconciliation". Like Mrs.Panda said, perhaps you'll be one of the few (though I've yet to see it here in 7 years) who will be able to keep the secret to the grave but why do you want to? Simple. You're trying to save your own ass. As a WS, we try to justify things a million ways from Sunday but to EARN the F that precedes the WS, serious, soul retching work has to be done & quite simply; that work cannot be done if you're harboring such a huge secret from your BH. Humor me; what if he finds out 5 years from now? How will you feel if he says "You know, had you been honest with me 5 years ago, perhaps we could have worked through this but because you continually kept this from me, I'm done." No chance, no reconciliation, done. Scary, isn't it?

I know I'm being a bit harsh & the reason for that is because *I* get it. Once upon a time, I thought the same thing. Guess what happened? My conscience ate & ate & ate at me until I blurted out "I think I'm in love with someone else" to my BH while we were driving in the car...while I was EXTREMELY drunk. Klassy, right?

Please think long & hard about this & realize that the folks here who have given you the advice to tell your BH do so because we've ALL been there. It's the right thing to do; you've unbeknownst to him betrayed his trust. YOU know you've betrayed his trust but the first step in getting your own integrity back, the first step in working on YOU, the first step to prove to YOU that you are done with the A...should be coming clean to your BH. He deserves to know.

I wish you lots of luck & truly hope you do keep posting here. This place is an absolute lifesaver, no two ways about it.

[This message edited by starrysky at 11:31 AM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

I just feel like complete sh*t. I am getting IC. I feel like a drug addict struggling to be clean. I'm scared to death about what my life has become.

I'm scared to death about what my life has become.

What, right now, are you most afraid of?

IC is a VERY good start & an excellent step in the right direction! It took me quite a few months to realize I needed IC, so I applaud you for getting the help you need!!

I'm scared of hurting and losing my family. This is what terrifies me the most....

I'm scared of hurting and losing my family. This is what terrifies me the most....

You may or may not, but your BH does deserve the right to make that choice based on the true state of his marriage.

Not the one you are pretending to give him.

No matter how good you are from this point on..without the truth, it's all going to be a lie.

Your actions are about saving yourself right now under the guise of not hurting your BH. I understand that.

Everyday you keep this from him..every second and every hour...it's going to make it that more difficult to reconcile upon discovery or confession.

When you love someone, you are willing to let them go if they think that you are hurting them.

You're withholding the truth for your own sake..not his.

You were brave enough to choose the circumstance..be brave enough to face the consquences.

I'm scared of hurting and losing my family.

One of the main points I think people have tried to make here is that as scared as you are of 'hurting' your family, you're making a choice to actively do just that for as long as you continue to cover up the affair.

As waywards, we have all done tremendous damage to our family and people we claimed to love. By continuing to lie about it, you knowingly perpetuate that damage instead of allowing your husband and family the ability to recover and heal.

I'm scared of hurting and losing my family. This is what terrifies me the most....

We all get this feeling, completely! I know I understand it 150%. When I confessed to my BH, he left our house for the weekend to stay with his Mom & I honestly thought that was it. I was terrified beyond all belief. I'm going to sound like a broken record but again, somewhere down the road I asked him why he came back & along with the fact that he loved me, he also said one of the reasons was that I told him; he didn't have to "out" me.

It's so scary, I know it is, but I can almost guarantee that if your BH finds out on his own, it WILL be so much worse. Right now, you probably don't see that, but there's a lot of experience here in your thread (& in this WS section) & there's a reason we're all advising you to come clean.

One of the many difficult things I did after I confessed (& still do on occasion), is read the Just Found Out forum. For me, reading about the tremendous pain, the lengths some BS' have gone to in order to get the truth, reading about trickle truth, etc.; it reinforced in my mind that I did the right thing in confessing. It's not an easy thing to do, there were many times I read posts & got off my laptop to vomit. I did that to my BH. I caused those same feelings in my BH. Someone else in this thread also suggested reading in the I Can Relate Forum under the "For Those That Found Out Years Later"; that's another resource for you to see what kind of damage is caused when you keep something like this for months, years on end.

As floridaredman said:

You were brave enough to choose the circumstance..be brave enough to face the consquences.

It's time to own your shit, my dear. Every truly remorseful WS has to do it & you do too.

(((Hugs)))

[This message edited by starrysky at 12:31 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

I'm scared of hurting and losing my family. This is what terrifies me the most....

I understand, I really do. We all do because we've all been in that very same place. The shame is overwhelming. Here's the thing though - you've already hurt them they just aren't aware of it yet. Will you lose them? You might. Hon, that's a real consequence of your actions that ultimately you're going to have to face.

You were brave enough to choose the circumstance..be brave enough to face the consquences.

FRM is so wise and spot on with this.

Respect your husband enough to give him the truth. If you lose him, then that's the consequence. We all have to face the consequences of our choices. We cannot run from them forever - eventually it all catches up with us. We can't run that fast or that far. Trust me, I tried and failed.

You were brave enough to choose the circumstance..be brave enough to face the consquences.

Uh, no. Bravery not involved with that. Same process you're using by keeping the truth from him, actually. Complete control of ALL the cards in the deck while your husband is all in.

No one can make these choices for you.

Fear is conquerable. You start by facing it. Squarely and head on.

In cases of those who do not wish to lose their marriage, they do have to push past the fear that they may be caught. It takes a certain amount of bravery to do this. If it was fear ruling them..the fear would win out and they would choose not to be brave enough to push past it. They would succumb to the fear.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 12:50 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

9. I don't see any WS on here that actually last without a DDay. If there are, I hope they chime in. (Crickets) But who knows, maybe you'll be the first.

I don't really think this means a whole lot. People tend to stick to the support sites that say what they want to hear, or say what they believe to be true. I know that I have heard stories and even confessions of affairs that were never revealed. I think there are many out there.

For me, confessing everything was the best thing I could have done. However, I did it at a point where I believed my marriage was over because of it. I am not really sure what I would have done or how I would have reacted if I thought I was ending the affair and wanted my marriage to stay intact.

I have also read stories from BS who really wish they had never known, especially if it was really over.

This site has strict rules and it is mainly for betrayed spouses, so we are only hearing one side of the argument. We are also mostly hearing the 'latest' advice from experts who have decided that complete honesty in revealing affairs is what has the greatest success rate. There are also many experts out there who disagree with this. I also believe that in another ten or twenty years the tide will change and we will be reading that revealing affairs is a bad thing to do.

That said, my marriage could not be where it is today if I did not offer up the whole truth. In my case, telling all helped to save our marriage and we are closer today as a result. But, just because it was the right answer for me and some others, does not mean it is the only way.

Each person has to make their own decisions about this. I encourage you to read as much as you can on this site and also go other places to read as well. I do worry sometimes how pushy people get on here for someone to take their advice for telling all, when in some situations it could be the worst choice.

I read once about an older man who admitted a previous affair at the advice of a weekend retreat leader. This older couple were happy, in love, and enjoying grandchildren. All that ended and his wife could not forgive him. She was the one writing about this after five years and she was bitter that someone had pushed him into telling her something she did not want to hear and something she could not recover from.

One question to ask yourself is what do you think your BH would want? I knew that my BH did not ever want to be 'the last to know'. This was one thing I could give him and make sure he was the first to know (other than the two parties involved). Read some books about recovery after an affair for a wayward spouse. Read books about ethical decisions. Read books about true intimacy in marriage. All these things might bring you to the conclusion that you need to be honest with your BH, or maybe not.