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I have been doing the 180 and getting some tremendous help on SI. It has literally been a life saver.

Well, I feel my 180 is working for me, but I also think it is driving her closer to OM. In her fogged state I think she is interpreting my uninterested behavior as "he's finally leaving me alone and giving me my space". That I'll just quietly going about being a loving Dad, caring for the house and finances, while she enjoys her fantasyland. She has increased her contact with OM and rarely even speaks to me. She has sent him over 300 texts and talked for 3 hours on the phone, just TODAY.

I thought I would be able to detach more using the 180 before giving her an ultimatum and exposing, but as many on here have said, the longer this goes on the deeper she gets, and the harder it will be for her to break it off. I need to give her an ultimatum, or expose and file for D, I just can't live like this anymore. I am tired of being lonely, keeping this secret, and being walked all over.

I have mourned my "dream" life, the old M is now dead and buried. I held on too long trying to get it back to the "way things used to be". I have realized that is not gonna happen.

The way I see it now, I have 3 possible outcomes. a) we D, I move on and find someone new, b) she goes NC, goes to IC, and finds remorse and we build a new relationship on trust, or c) I fade into the background of her life as a roommate who takes care of the kids and makes a good fallback plan for her, while I slowly die inside from loneliness. As others have said on here before, what the 180 does is make you realize that c) is not an option, and you would rather have a) than c). Once you reach that point it is very freeing. I am almost there, but I can't wait much longer to act.

So act. This ends when -you- say it does. You've already decided it's you or him. Now make her choose and let go of the outcome. As far as exposure is concerned, she already admitted to sexual contact, I'd blow her incestuous affair all over facebook. But I'm a spiteful bastard who would never pass up a chance to kick an enemy when they are down...

You need an ultimatum.

The way that I understood the 180 was that you expose the affair.

You let your WS know that you know about the infidelity and that you will not tolerate it in your marriage.

And then you give your WS the ultimatum that the affair has to end, the WS has to go NC with the affair partner, the WS has to be 100% transparent about everything-answer all of your questions honestly, open all of their cell phone records, passwords, credit card records etc.

And that until your WS is willing to do all of those things you will implement the 180.

The 180 is to protect yourself from any more hurt and abuse (because continuing an affair after your spouse knows about it is abusive).

Implementing the 180 (which is a tough love approach) will often shock the WS out of 'the fog' and back into reality and the affair does end.

I kicked my FWHS out of the house after d-day.

That was my way of sending the message that this was not OK with me.

Trail

You know you have to blow this affair up. Get your ducks in a row (recover as many texts as you can - there is a lot of software out there to do that), get the D papers filled out, file (get your lawyer to get temp orders for custody) AND BLOW THE AFFAIR UP.

You are doing NOBODY a favor by keeping this secret. I know you think you are, and I respect that. But man, I am telling you, it is your fear that is preventing you, and it is killing you. Exposure will have fall out, but that is way more manageable than living with the fact your wife wants to have sex WITH HER COUSIN.

She is sick and needs help. The first step is some kind of realization that what she is doing is disgusting, immoral and hurting her kids. But that will not happen unless you blow this thing up.

The way boundaries work, is that they are for you.

You set boundaries, and you follow through with consequences.

If you are content to share your wife while you continue to take care of the house, the children, the finances, and leave her free to eat cake, then what you are doing now will work.

If your current life is unacceptable, then only you can end it. Close the bakery.

You withdrawing emotionally from her, which is one dimension of the 180 (by itself, we might call it the soft 180), may indeed eventually result in her recognition that she has more to lose than to gain in pursuing her affair.

But it might take a long time. (Can you wait?)

Or, it might just become her new normal, where you take care of her physically and she roams for emotional/sexual satisfaction.

Unless you do what is in your best interests, what you would tell your best friend or brother or, really, any one of us to do:

Close it all down.

If her behavior is unacceptable to you, if it crosses your boundaries, then do what it takes to end it.

I am very, very sorry that you find yourself at this point, and dealing with this amount of crazy disrespect.

You and your children deserve to be cherished and respected. Don't settle.

I wish you strength.

[This message edited by seeking wisdom at 7:51 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

Expose,expose,expose.

And if the phone is in your name,turn it off.

I've kept quiet because you've been given great advice. But I can see, in your post, you can't go on with this much longer.

All I can tell you is what I would do and that is expose the A to her family, but make sure you have the evidence to back it up or they probably won't believe you....and I would file.

Taking a hard stand might kick her in the ass. If it doesn't, then she's too deep in her little fantasy world to see reality.

I'm so sorry.

She just came in the room and starts acting like everything is fine. Striking up conversations about our plans next week, etc. She talked on the phone with him for 3 hours today!!! She really does not "get it", in fact she sees nothing wrong with this arrangement at all. argghhh.

(((td)))

A few thoughts:

1) consider closing down her access to finances. Weirder things have happened.

2). Document ... Get copies of those texts and phone bill. Put a var in her room where she talks on the phone to him. This is for a few reasons:

- proof when she gaslights. If she Is good you will believe her until you repeatedly see the evidence.

- future support and custody issues. I know you said you are in a no-fault state but do you want her to get full custody and then move out of state?

- proof for her family. If you threaten to expose she will get to her family first and make you out to be

3) EXPOSE!!! Give her an ultimatum ... No phone... And 15 minutes for a decision. Be ready for an answer you don't want .

Good luck

You have to get to a point where you can act.

Cut off her phone access. Out her and him to every body you can think of.

The A won't end until you bring it into the light of day.

Pull the pin! However it comes out you will be better off than you are now.

And 15 minutes for a decision.

Hell no! 5 seconds and if she can't do it in that amount of time, YOU make the decision for her. The only reason she is behaving the way she is is because YOU ARE ALLOWING IT.

Dude.....

Nuke strike needed.....every relative needs to know....forget about her reactions. threats...etc....you want to see this shit end? Nuke her and him to high heaven.....

is this dickhead married? or did I miss this?

The major problem with most people I've seen is that they think that if they pick c) it might not stay c). They come with all these reasons why c) might be an ok answer. They then sort of slide into c) with their indecision and find it hard to get out again. Don't lie to yourself like this.

Don't try to rationalize too much.

Cut off her access to funds. File. EXPOSE.

She is in deep and only a smack in the face from reality will snap her out of it.

((((HUGS))))

You actually don't have to do anything but serve her with divorce papers.

This stops when YOU say it does. Somehow you lost sight of that. All this pain begins to subside once you stop allowing the stick to be poked into the wound.

So........When are YOU going to stop putting the stick in the wound?

[This message edited by reelingbuthealin at 1:16 AM, April 11th (Wednesday)]

Striking up conversations about our plans next week

Uh, what? What plans? You're making plans with her?

Honestly traildad, your WW's behavior is some of the worst that I've heard of. And there's a lot of bad shit on here. My read on the situation is that your B and C are not an option. And I would amend your A to: you file for D. I don't advise rushing into a new relationship.

Wow. I'm really sorry. You must be just mind-boggled with the amount of crazy-making going on right now. So sorry.

1. Cut off her phone.

2. Cancel her June trip that you paid for.

3. See a damn lawyer

I don't know what I think of the whole expose thing....it may just keep you enmeshed in this whole debacle. To say that she has her head up her ass is an understatement and I personally think that she is too whacked out right now for exposure to bother her one bit.

I think the sooner you wash your hands of her, the better.

(as far as custody, I don't think she will be allowed to move the kids out of state. Legally, anyhow.)

((hugs))

Tactically, I think that having proof could be a huge factor in custody regardless of being a no fault state. We are talking about incest here. Maybe I am naive, but I think that should carry some weight in determining who is the best parent.

Hi traildad

I have just read all your posts but have not had time to read all the replies. However, I am sure all have said what I am going to say:

1. Ultimatum - NC or you are gone.

2. Tell her you are 100% in the M. You want R but you WILL NOT be second choice. If she wants another man she can F*** off to him. YOU do not want HER if that is what she wants.

2. If she doesn't agree to this or does and then breaks NC then get on the phone. Start with her parents, siblings, parents and siblings of the cousin and keep going.

3. FILE

So many of us have BTDT. What you need to remember is that if you are nt her No 1 priority - her partner - if there is another man who matters more than you - then she is not worth having.

I told my FWH choose me or F*** off. I will NOT share you with another woman. Your whores may be prepared to share you with me but I will NEVER share my man with another woman.

Good luck honey.

BIG HUGS

Laura