SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So,

I have been waiting for today for several weeks. The other BS is a high school teacher and I have not found any other way to reach her other than through her work. The HS has an open house /meet the teacher tonight. I am going. I will wait until the end, aroudn 8:30 to approach her with my letter and evidence. I have had weeks to think about this and i KNOW i am doing the right thing. I will be gentle.

Also, I have given it a great deal of thought - I am going to zing the mOM's employer too. I have drafted a very nice letter to the president of his company. I think I will drop that in the mail today - certified. It reads:

Dear Mr. --------,

Hello, my name is ---- -----. I feel obligated to tell you that your employee has been carrying out an extramarital affair with my spouse (--- ----) for 2 years (spring 2011- present). We live in -----, and all indications are that he has been commuting here to see her and they have been meeting in hotels. The liaisons usually appear all during the workweek. They have met more than 50 times. It is my suspicion that Mr. ----- has potentially abused his expense accounts with your firm for the purpose of engaging in sex with my spouse. I would scrutinize his hotel charges, meals, entertainment expenses very closely.

It appears that he has spent a great deal of time during the work week texting my spouse to arrange their liaisons. In fact, by my calculations and close review of phone bill records – he averages about 150 texts per day to my spouse for over a one year period. That is a lot of texting for an professional and an adult. It’s a wonder he can get anything accomplished in your employ.

My spouse’s cell phone records included thousands of text messages each month (10,121 in March 2012). He has been using 5 cell phones (most recent cell he’s been using: 5*************) and no less than 4 different email addresses it appears and a gmail to communicate with her: mr.*******@gmail.com. Mr. --------- is clearly a sex addict and a sick individual. I understand that he is married with a family in Tampa.

I have significant evidence if you so desied to cross reference dates and or times to verify Mr-------- whereabouts . I am sorry - but I have struggled with this - to inform you or not.

In closing, as a fellow business owner I would want to know just what kind of person I have in my employ. You have to ask yourself, if he would lie to his wife and family, do you think he would think twice about lying to you. Also, he clearly gives little regard to what is considered moral/ethical behavior. Please accept my apology for having to bring this important matter to you attention.

I think your plans to meet with the other BS is very good, and the letter also is very good.

You were direct, to the point, courteous, offered proof, gave dates etc.

Good luck with it all and keep us posted.

Oh - I am only doing the employer zinger because the WW and mOM have broken NC. The gloves are coming off.

Couple of things:

First, sending it certified gets it to the company but in all likelihood his assistant will sign for it and in all probability open and read it.

Take out all references to your WS. As a business owner, he's not going to care how many cell phones he's used (he probably only has one company issued phone and if he's like my XWH, those others are probably personal ones) - his only concern is going to be about how it is affecting his business and his employee's performance.

Now here's the rub - you are meeting with the BW tonight and sending the letter today, correct?

Are you prepared to tell her that her husband will more than likely lose his job once his boss receives the letter?

AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 9:43 AM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

I think I'm along the same thoughts as ajsmom.

Maybe wait to send the letter until after meeting with the BS?

It's always better to send it and feel good about it...as opposed to having sent it and wish you could stop it.

My gut is telling me to hold off on the work letter. I know you want him to suffer, I get it. But don't blow that open yet. Deal with one thing at a time, deal with his BS. You are doing the right thing in telling her.

Sending the work letter could have devastating affects to the other BS if her H loses his job. She doesnt deserve additional pain at this time. Do they have kids? An aging parent they are caring for? Just like an A, revenge can have catastophic, far reaching collateral damage.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 9:54 AM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

My home is shattered. I have no empathy for this mOM. He can suffer in hell for all I care. Were was his empathy for me or my children. I hope they do fire him but the likelihood is he will be sat down and very embarressed and that will be all.

I warned him about contacting my ww again....

I will

He won't just get sat down and talked to.

He will be fired for using company assets to fund his affair.

Like someone said earlier, you can't turn the clock back.

Once you've rung this bell, it's rung, and if you'd ever like an ally in her, you will destroy that.

It is far too early in your situation to do this to his BW.

[This message edited by ajsmom at 12:49 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

There are consequences to every A. While I have sympathy for all other BS, I too would send the letter if I had used it as a consequence of broken NC.

My husband's A was partially conducted at work. While loosing his job would have been devestating, he deserved it. It also would have made it easier for me to walk away.

Perhaps I've missed something, but I didn't catch in kchip's post that there was broken NC necessitating the letter to the company.

I would avoid these statements in you letter,

That is a lot of texting for an professional and an adult. It’s a wonder he can get anything accomplished in your employ.

Mr. --------- is clearly a sex addict and a sick individual.

You have to ask yourself, if he would lie to his wife and family, do you think he would think twice about lying to you. Also, he clearly gives little regard to what is considered moral/ethical behavior.

Let them draw the conclusions, don't make judgements, just stick to the facts. They will get the point.

I do also have to echo the other's concerns about blowing this all up at once. I understand that OM deserves it, but what about his BW? Or their family? I would keep this one in your back pocket, just in case.

Perhaps I've missed something, but I didn't catch in kchip's post that there was broken NC necessitating the letter to the company.

Its in his second post in this thread.

Oh - I am only doing the employer zinger because the WW and mOM have broken NC. The gloves are coming off.

As a member:

I can't help but feel sick at the thought of this BS being approached at a work function tonight. Her world is going to be blown apart while her colleagues and parents are lingering.

And then, before she even has a chance to absorb it her financial security is going to be threatened with the letter to her H's workplace.

I know her H is at fault. I know this. But I can't help feeling some compassion for the 1-2 punch that is about to be delivered to her.

[This message edited by UR_AN_IDIOT at 1:19 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

I agree,and think you should hold off on sending the letter. His BW is going to be reeling. I think she'll have enough to deal with,without adding this to her plate.

And the letter is..well...you have every right..every reason to be super pissed at the OM,and want to destroy him. But the letter is jab after jab at the OM. The truth is,your WW did the exact same things he did. Your WW also spent alot of time during work hours texting the OM. he may have sent her 150 texts a day,but your wife was responding to them. Your comments, "That is a lot of texting for an professional and an adult. It’s a wonder he can get anything accomplished in your employ," and " You have to ask yourself, if he would lie to his wife and family, do you think he would think twice about lying to you. Also, he clearly gives little regard to what is considered moral/ethical behavior," applies to your WW as well.

It's very possible your WW will lose her job too. Because she is just as guilty as he is.

I have no empathy for this mOM

I don't think anyone is expecting you to have empathy for the MOM. At least I am not. I do think you should have some empathy for his BS and his children. Just as you did not ask for this hell, neither did they.

Your ww & MOM did not think of the long reaching consequences of their actions. Do you want to be like them, or would you rather be the better person?

Whether you do or don't send the letter to the employer is up to you. You just need to be willing to live with yourself no matter what the fallout of your revenge may be.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 1:44 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

Chip, hold on!!!

Do not make statements that he is "a sex addict and a sick individual". those statements, made to his employer, invite a lawsuit against you for libel and slander. And if he loses his job or is demoted, he undoubtedly will be in a retaliatory mood towards you. You don't need that on top of all the rest of the shit you have to deal with. I would even delete the part about lying and ethical behaviour. Just stick to the facts that are documentable. His boss will be smart enough to figure the rest out without you having to say it.

I am a trial lawyer. If my client asked me if such a letter should be sent, I would tell him exactly what I have stated above.

I agree with both steps, the notifying the other BS as well as the letter to his employer.

But unless there is some concern of loss of evidence due to time span, I would recommend staggering the two a bit so as to have a bit more compassion to the oBS.

I'd say she should at least have a week or two to absorb and deal with the grief of the discovery of her husband's affair before the possibility of him also losing his job.

Both events in the same week seems a bit harsh. I'd personally put a little time between the two out of respect for the oBS.

Inasmuch as I understand your anger, I believe it is misplaced. The person that wronged you is your ww.

Please examine your motives before doing anything. Why do you hold the MOM to a higher standard and stricter consequences than you do your ww? Unless, of course, you are also planning to ruin her career as well..

Not trying to be harsh. I understand the anger. I have been there. Hasn't there been enough hurt and destruction?