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Hey Noah,

Good luck with everything. From what I've read on this site you've made a good start. I'm a newbie so I can't give you any advice, but I wish you luck with your family.

Good for you for telling your BW.

I also think you need to be proactive when it comes to NC with OW. Do the NC letter, but don't just send it. Run it past your wife, telling her that you want to officially let OW know there is to be no more contact. Let your wife know you are serious about this. Actions, in addition to your sincere words.

Good luck.

We were together one time in an air mattress in a kids bedroom

Throw it out.

As to the NC letter that is being mentioned. My advice is going to *go against the grain*, but I have to tell you my opinion. Do NOT do the NC unless you are 100% committed to GOING NC. My stbxWH has written NC texts to a couple of his OW (don't ask) and it turned out that he did it just for "sport"....because I *made* him.

If you are going to do the NC text/letter....don't do it unless you MEAN it. And if you aren't willing to make that commitment to your BW, then be honest about it.

Good job telling her.

Make sure she is eating and drinking enough water. Many of us BSs lost a lot of weight in the beginning and with your wife being pregnant, she needs to take care of herself and may not think to at first.

Sometimes the anger takes awhile to come,the shock that comes first keeps the anger away for awhile.. Be ready for it and allow her to be angry with out reacting back in anger.

I'm keeping you all in my prayers.

[This message edited by sudra at 8:19 PM, November 18th (Sunday)]

She hasn't been very definitive and I think right now she is just trying to figure things out

She is in a world that has been turned upside down, inside and out. She doesn't know what to think, she is mostly numb and shocked. It's gonna take her a while to get her thoughts together.

Sometimes the anger takes awhile to come,the shock that comes first keeps the anger away for awhile.. Be ready for it and allow her to be angry with out reacting back in anger.

Let her vent, agree with her when she tells you how awful you have been. Don't defend the OW or the A in any way.

Like the others have said, be proactive in sending a NC to the Ow, or a phone call with your wife listening in.

Good job on telling your BW! Just a warning -- get ready for anger. Odds are high that it will come, sooner or later. It came for me four months after DDay. Up until then it seems like I was numb and my mind just wasn't letting me process it. But when it did? It did and big time!

Hang in there as it's going to get tough, but it will be so worth it.

It came for me four months after DDay. Up until then it seems like I was numb and my mind just wasn't letting me process it. But when it did? It did and big time!

Ditto. The bomb will hit, out of no where.

Now is the time for you to be proactive. Don't have a pity party for you. Show her by action how sorry you are.

Make a counseling appt for yourself asap and invite her to come along if she wants.

Make an appt to be tested for STDs right away and offer to make one for her even if you believe she wasn't exposed to anything. Tell her you want her to feel more secure that her health is protected. Even if she doesn't want to get checked out for STDs she may benefit from getting her blood pressure checked or a physical assessment from her doctor. My blood pressure is normally low but after D-day it was significantly elevated.

Start reading books. Members can make recommendations or you can find a list in the healing library. My FWH read the Love Dare and he lived by it which is the only reason I lifted my focus off anger to even see that he might be worth the effort to reconcile. Other worthy books are Not Just Friends, The 5 Love Languages and How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.

Start buying cards, flowers or other gifts that are heartfelt if that is something your wife would appreciate. Write or verbalize in detail the things you are remorseful about but put them in terms of what you realize your wife has lost or suffered. For example, "I'm sorry I disgraced our home and put you in a position to be stuck living in it or feeling violated" or "I'm sorry I lied and failed at upholding my vows as I know this decimated the trust, security and love you had for me".

The point is you need to work hard to show that shame has motivated you to be so much better that you might be worth considering reconcilation.

Good luck. Don't do any of this for your own selfish reasons. If you want your marriage that is great but you need to want to be a better man for yourself first.

[This message edited by FaithStricken at 1:38 AM, November 19th (Monday)]

Well done for confessing - I wish I'd had the awareness and courage to do so.

Equally there are two major mistakes I made from here in out which I'll share here in the hope you don't do this same. These two things were the most damaging to our R and may turn out yet to be deal breakers for my BH.

1) Be honest. NO trickle truth. Tell her everything, more than she asks for. All the scummy horrid details no matter how much you see it tear her heart apart. NOT telling her will destroy her more every day. If she doesn't want to hear it, respect that, but I'd recommend you write it all down and put it in a sealed envelope or box for her to open in her own time. That way you've provided everything while it's fresh and you've completely removed the ability to say "I don't remember or I don't know" a BS loathed pair of phrases.

If you seal this stuff up but give it to her, you can't back out and change your mind. You can't withhold anything, give her access to phone accounts, email, social media, etc etc. Think of all the stuff you've used/may remind your BW or the OW - the blow up bed - trash it; get new linen anyway - make a fresh start. She'll trigger every time she goes near the kids room I'll bet, can you switch them into another room? Or suggest something to help - even letting her know, you're aware will go a long way.

If you want to nip out to the shop to get her something, tell her. Take her with or leave your phone - or take her phone. whatever it takes to reassure her.

No unexpected surprises or actions. Don't disappear anywhere, even to surprise her nicely. Now is not the time to surprise her. Be early or on time. Whatever you do don't be late. Anywhere. If you are definitely late, ring her and tell her. Put a GPS tracker on your phone, even if she says she doesn't want it.

Install software to download your texts, put a key logger on your computer - give her access to whatever you have - especially if she says she doesn't want it.

Be consistent and don't lie or minimise anything. This is such a big deal for you both from this minute on. How you deal with this stuff will pave the way into or out of R.

2) The NC letter.

Do NOT do the NC unless you are 100% committed to GOING NC. My stbxWH has written NC texts to a couple of his OW (don't ask) and it turned out that he did it just for "sport"....because I *made* him.

If you are going to do the NC text/letter....don't do it unless you MEAN it. And if you aren't willing to make that commitment to your BW, then be honest about it.

I agree with this. I did this. I avoided writing and NC letter until it was clear my BH wasn't letting this go. I did this because mentally I didn't want NC. I wanted a safety net. I wasn't safe to R with at that time.

Eventually I wrote one. Then we posted it together. Then the next day I rang the OM to tell him it was on the way and to trash it without opening it. Low huh? This was possibly one of the biggest set backs in our R.

Finally, I started to wake up. I wrote and NC email in front of my BH and he was happy with it so I hit send. Then I committed a huge, monumental badness. I wrote another one. A private one. The next day I sent a card, also with my intention of ensuring MC but flowery and personal. Emotional. All the things you should never do and say I did. I thought it was more believable coming from me.

All I did with that was destroy my BS totally. When he found out (months later) we went back to square one and I lost all the hard work I was trying to put in. To this day he has not been able to forgive this. When all was said and done, I chose the AP over my BS. I chose to empathise with the AP's feelings and prioritise care of the AP over my BS. I stabbed a knife through my BS's heart again and a nail in my coffin. I can't take back that stupid "NC" letter, but wish I could.

I agree with the above - don't write it unless you mean it. The trauma I put LonelyHusband through on top of the A crap by making failed NC letters was unbearable. But, and it's a big but, it's a good idea to get your head around that NC letter and why it's so important to the BS, and you, real quick. Some BS's dont' want/need one and the feeling is that it's just more contact. They don't deserve to have an ending for the damage they've done, and they want you, the ws having no more contact, even to tell the ap no more contact.

Most BS's find it a requirement. If you can and know you mean it, write the bear bones of one and give it to your WW. Ask her if she wants you to send it. But if you do STICK TO IT.

Good luck Noah, let us know how you're doing. Remember to take care of yourself as well as her.

Echoing what some members have said. I did not have the courage or character to confess. I wish with all my heart that I did. You've done the right thing by telling her yourself. That will likely pay dividends down the road.

Just to clarify with the OW it was NEVER in our bed. We were together one time in an air mattress in a kids bedroom. I didn't bring her into our marital bed. Having her in our home was wrong too and I know that.

Please elaborate on this. What was you mindset in bringing the OW into your home to have sex? You just happened to have an air mattress in your child's bedroom ready and available to have sex on?

WTG on telling her; that must have been tremendously difficult for both of you, and took a great deal of courage.

Because your wife is pregnant, PLEASE ask her to have her doctor re-test for group B hemolytic strep. This bacterium is typically screened for relatively early in pregnancy, and if she's been exposed more recently her doctor may not have picked it up. It's important to catch because it is one of the primary causes of neonatal morbidity and mortality in the United States. Identifying it can totally prevent the complications (usually pneumonia) associated with the bacterium.

It's not an infection that causes illness for the woman. In fact, it's just among the normal vaginal flora in some women. Knowing that it's there allows them to administer antibiotics in advance of delivery (and, quite often, to the baby after delivery).

Please make sure your wife's OB is made aware of potential exposure.

good job! Now starts the healing. It will get worse, lots worse before it gets better.

Noah,

Just wanted to say good for you for confessing. I'm sure your BW is in shock right now. It might be a week or two before it really hits her - be prepared. There's a good reason the term roller coaster is used for the BS's emotions after DDay. I really wish you two luck.

Good for you!!!! I am so glad you told your wife. Really it does make a lot of difference in R if that is truely what you are seeking. I wish you both luck with this long, hard road you are on.

I know you are getting hit with Wall of Text right now about what you need to do next. They are all very good.

You need to show her those texts that OW sent to you...any and all contact needs to now go to her - you need to NC like, yesterday.

1. She's still in shock, you need to mentally and physically prepare yourself for the anger. DO NOT GET ANGRY BACK!! Your defense mode will come into to play hard, but you need to remind yourself that you have had much much longer to process all of this information - she has not.

2. The time for action rather then words is NOW.

- Timeline, write one out - even if she doesnt need it.

-

Write the NC letter now - don't be asked to do it.

- Total 100% transparency - Give your BS every single log in and password for every single email and any other online thing that you might do....even if its walmart or CVS...doesnt matter, give it to her. DO.NOT.DELETE.ANYTHING...no matter how much you want to, you will hurt yourself MORE if you delete now.

Cell phone bills - give them to her. Credit card bills - give them to her. Anything else that you might not think could help, put it in a box, and give it to her so that she can get every possible piece of information she could need to start the healing process now.

- Get into an IC that could convert to an MC now..do.not.wait.

- Trash the matress and sheets/blanket with your BS knowing it. Burn the sheets if it makes her feel better. Also, consider redoing your child's room, up the carpet, repaint....the works.

- You need to seriously...seriouslyconsider selling that car. That car will be a HUGE trigger for her everytime she looks at it. Yes, i get it could be a money strain, but its more important to make your BS feel safe then it is to keep that car - trust me.

- Call her and let her know where you are, take phone pictures if you have to. She will not be comfortable with you leaving the house like, for a long time.

3. You need to ACT on your love for her now. You need to DO things - talk is cheap right now. She's going to believe very little that comes out of your mouth.

If you need ideas on what to do before she asks for them, just post here. There are BS's here that can tell you what they wished their remorseful WS's did without asking.

First of all thank you to everyone for the positive responses! It means a lot. I'm accustomed to just harsh responses from my posting here and elsewhere so its a very different.

Have you been completely NC with the OW? I would strongly recommend that you draft a NC letter and have it ready to show your BW to approve it when she is ready. I also suggest that you direct her here.

She is likely in shock right now, and when she starts to react she will need a ton of support, especially since she is pregnant. Is there someone IRL she can talk to? Is she able to eat and drink?

I haven't gone firm NC with OW yet. I've stopped responding to her for the moment and my priority is my wife. I haven't talked to her really since Thursday. I am going to bring it up pro-actively to my wife this evening and I'll try to send out a NC letter.

I will make sure as much as I can she is eating and drinking. I know her health is the priority right now and I wish the timing could have been better because this is one of the worst times to drop something like this. My wife is close to her mom and sister and I think she can go to them with anything so she has people.

As to the NC letter that is being mentioned. My advice is going to *go against the grain*, but I have to tell you my opinion. Do NOT do the NC unless you are 100% committed to GOING NC. My stbxWH has written NC texts to a couple of his OW (don't ask) and it turned out that he did it just for "sport"....because I *made* him.

If you are going to do the NC text/letter....don't do it unless you MEAN it. And if you aren't willing to make that commitment to your BW, then be honest about it.

I'm not sure I understand what you are saying. I know I have to go NC if I want my marriage to even have a chance. Do I *want* to go NC? If I could talk to OW and have no repercussions to my marriage then who knows. But that isn't going to happen. I have to make a choice and I want my marriage and family. So if I sent a NC letter I would intend to honor it.

Make a counseling appt for yourself asap and invite her to come along if she wants.

Make an appt to be tested for STDs right away and offer to make one for her even if you believe she wasn't exposed to anything. Tell her you want her to feel more secure that her health is protected. Even if she doesn't want to get checked out for STDs she may benefit from getting her blood pressure checked or a physical assessment from her doctor. My blood pressure is normally low but after D-day it was significantly elevated.

I am going to go ahead and be pro-active about marriage counseling and set something up and then tell her. I think she is more likely to come with me to counseling if I go ahead and plan it then ask her. Maybe that is being manipulative but I think I need to be taking the lead since I fucked it al up.

And I said this before but I have not had any sexual contact (nothing beyond a peck) with my wife in months. There is no way I gave her anything. I looked up transmission rates after someone posted and its almost impossible I gave her any STDs. I will get tested soon.

Thank you for the tips and recommendations. Its been very helpful and I am grateful. Thanks.

OktoberMest, Also THANK YOU for the suggestions. Its so great to have a list like that.

Please elaborate on this. What was you mindset in bringing the OW into your home to have sex? You just happened to have an air mattress in your child's bedroom ready and available to have sex on?

Mindset was I was being selfish and my wife and kids were going out of town and I wanted to see OW. It was late and I didn't want to go to her tiny place and I wanted to spend the night with her. I couldn't bring her into *our* bed so I thought this was some sort of compromise. It was wrong to bring her into our home. It wasn't an accident. I knew we had an airbed and I knowingly brought her in. I only did that once in my defense.

Total 100% transparency - Give your BS every single log in and password for every single email and any other online thing that you might do....even if its walmart or CVS...doesnt matter, give it to her. DO.NOT.DELETE.ANYTHING...no matter how much you want to, you will hurt yourself MORE if you delete now.

She isn't asking for anything from me right now which is troubling I guess. Is it a sign she isn't invested/doesn't care?

I have no problem giving her passwords or anything like that.

With deleting I've already done that. The worst emails and pics and videos are gone. I wasn't keeping them around and risking anything. I still have some stuff and if my wife wants to see it I will let her. I don't want to throw anything in her face if she doesn't want to though.

You need to seriously...seriouslyconsider selling that car. That car will be a HUGE trigger for her everytime she looks at it. Yes, i get it could be a money strain, but its more important to make your BS feel safe then it is to keep that car - trust me.

The only thing she has done is forbid me from taking the kids in my car. Which I don't blame her for. If it was reversed I would want that car torched. Once I get some clarity on our situation... are we going to stay together or not... then I would be willing to get rid of the car.

its almost impossible I gave her any STDs. I will get tested soon.

Did you read up on HPV? YOU can't be tested for it, therefore you can have it and pass it on. All it takes is skin on skin contact...doesn't have to be sexual.

I only did that once in my defense.

Please do not ever say this to your wife. It would be like you chopping off her finger and saying "It's not that bad. I only cut off one". Bringing the OW into your home is a huge "fuck you" to your wife". And honestly, I do not believe you weren't having sex with her in your bed. There is no way you brought the OW into your home to end up telling her "we'll have to stay on an air mattress".

[This message edited by lieshurt at 1:09 PM, November 19th (Monday)]

Is it a sign she isn't invested/doesn't care?

It is a sign that she doesn't know what the f**k to do. When we BS's find out it isn't like we are handed a book on "How to Deal with Your Spouse when you find out they Betrayed You in ln the Worst Way Possible". It is a sign she is in shock and just trying to process.

I had no idea what to do. I was stumbling around in a daze for a least a week. Then I thought maybe we should go to MC. Didn't find SI for 8 months, my lifesaver. They here at SI knew what I needed even thought I didn't know. And, they were right!

With deleting I've already done that. The worst emails and pics and videos are gone.

As soon as possible, you should probably either write down the content of those things or else try to retrieve them. If your wife is a detail-oriented person and wants to know these details, it could kill her to not know what was in those things you deleted. Why? Because it's another secret that's just between you and the OW.

I second (third?) the recommendation on "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual For the Unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald. You could probably read it in a few hours, it's so fast, and to the point. I'd recommend reading it as soon as possible.

I only did that once in my defense.

It was an entire "romantic" overnight in a place that was supposed to be a sacred sanctuary for you and your wife. Please don't minimize it. It won't minimize the betrayal or her pain.