SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your BW is going to have a zillion questions about the OW. Answer every single one honestly without being cruel. Oh, my heart is breaking for your BW right now.

If you have a picture of OW show it to BW if she asks. It drove me insane to not know what and who the OW was.

I agree with everything Keep Calm just wrote. Your wife is likely going to hate you, but she'll hate the OW a hundred times more. You do not get to protect the OW from the fallout of HER choices either.

I didn't realize the depth of what I had done in my own A until I experienced the pain of being a BS myself. I want you to take just a second and imagine what it would feel like if the tables were reversed. What if she sat you down tonight and told you that she's been unhappy in the marriage because you've been neglecting her...and baby #3 is not actually your child?

I'm not trying to be mean or snarky, but in order for you to be empathetic, you need to imagine what it would be like on the other side.

I'm hoping to keep talk of OW to a minimum.

This has already been addressed, but I cannot emphasize this enough - please do NOT try to control what your wife is and isn't "allowed" to know. She's going to have a zillion questions, and she's going to ask some of them over and over again. This is not to torture you. There are times when I ask my husband a question and 10 minutes later I cannot remember his answer. I have a really good memory for conversations normally. But not the infidelity-related ones. It's so much shock, so much trauma, that your brain has a hard time grasping/processing the information.

The most frustrating things for a BS to hear (from my perspective, anyway) are "I don't know" and "I can't remember." Also, let's add, "It's not important." To HER, every little detail will be monumentally important. If you have even the tiniest shred of love or respect for her, please try to answer ANY questions she has. And do not attempt to protect OW from your wife. I contacted the girl my husband hooked up with in early October. I wasn't cruel (because it really wasn't her fault), but I wasn't particularly nice, either. If he had had ANY sort of problem with my contacting her, I would have been gone. Any protective feelings you have toward OW need to be destroyed, because your wife will see those feelings as a complete, utter rejection and negation of her pain.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 1:26 PM, November 15th (Thursday)]

Noah,

All I know is my wife would never ever do the same

A lot of spouses believe that infidelity is a deal breaker. I was one of them. But you know what? A year after finding out about my wife's A, I'm still here. She's still here. We are working through this together. Just keep in mind though, it will be your actions that determine whether or not your wife will want to stay and work it out in the end. I have a feeling that you don't know your wife as well as you think you do. Be honest. Be prepared to hear that from her point of view, your marriage was nothing like you saw it. Be willing to accept that her point of view is as real to her as yours is to you. She just may love you more than you know. I wish you luck, I really do. Confessing takes courage. You've got a lot of hard work in front of you no matter what your wife decides.

I'm not sure if she feels guilty focusing on the marriage or not. Maybe.

^^^This says a lot.

You say that your BW neglected your needs, did not put any effort into the marriage. So why don't you know if she felt guilty taking time away from the kids to devote to the marriage? Is it because you told her that you were feeling neglected and asked her why she did not seem to want to put anything into the M, and she refused to answer you, or made excuses? Or is it because you assumed that she knew how you were feeling and then jumped to the conclusion that she didn't care or wouldn't make changes for you anyway.

I am guessing, and feel free to correct me, that you didn't consistently and effectively communicate your distress. Did you drag her to marriage counseling to get help with this issue, which you claim has plagued your marriage for years? Did you tell her at any point that you could not live like you were and that if things didn't change that you would divorce her?

I can imagine it is hard to be told that you need to take complete responsibility for your A. But if you eventually do, I think you will actually be relieved. There is a freedom in realizing that you control your own behaviour and can hold yourself accountable. I realize that it is easier to make justifications. Trust me, as a BS I have to fight to not slip into a blame game for things that are not even related to my fWH's A. It is easier to point a finger and say "If you hadn't done X, then I wouldn't feel Y" but I am learning. And if I can learn to do that with a spouse who betrayed me, then I'm sure you can do that with your BW, who as far as I can tell is guilty of maybe being overcommitted to nurturing your children and not feeling secure about your commitment to her.

I commend your sticking with this.

All I know is my wife would never ever do the same

Like Tred, I am still here. Never thought I would accept and try and work through my W having an A. With my BF... my wife's BF's husband. So forget any notion you have of what her reaction will be when you confess.

Along those lines... it may take you much longer to start feeling actual remorse. Reading through all the responses here, I see so many "once you see the pain on her face... you will feel the shame!" I can tell you, my W did not feel the shame for many months of seeing the pain on my face.

It's very good you are here, it's the right place for you. If we would have found this site earlier, we likely would have avoided many, many months of hell. Please, drop the defensiveness, and the pre-conceived notions, and listen to what everyone here is telling you. Your wife deserves that.

[This message edited by DWBH at 1:16 PM, November 15th (Thursday)]

I think it's rather telling you're "conversing" through this thread like you really have any choice in this anymore.

The casual, I really do love my wife despite the complaining, I can easily see morphing into the all too typical panic when that complaining wife tells you she's done.

Wonder what her list looks like.

Please do let us know how it goes tonight. You both will probably be needing a lot of support afterward. Do you think you'll share SI with your wife at some point, if she needs support for herself?

She works part time but is at home with the kids during the week. She is a great mom and her first and foremost priority has always been our children.

I could have done more with the kids and I've tried to take up more of a role with them. I'm an active dad but I don't really help as much as I could have with housework.

See above, and then read below.

We haven't had sex in months because she just doesn't feel like it. I've tried to be understanding but it set the table a little for the affair.

Your pregnant wife was working and taking care of most of the responsibilities of the house and the children without much help from you....and you so graciously tried to be "understanding" because she didn't feel like servicing you by going out and finding a 20 yo to fuck like rabbits with? Really?

Did it not ever cross your mind to try helping her out...to alleviate some of the pressure she was under at all? Clearly you were having sex because you have 2 kids and one on the way. Guess what? Any girl in her early 20's can perform like a porn star on demand when she has no responsibilities whatsoever but to show up for a blow & go....ya know?

If you have a picture of OW show it to BW if she asks

But ONLY if she asks. My BH needed to know who, but he didn't want to know what he looked like. He said the visual would have killed him.

Another thing. After you tell her, you both will need to be tested for STDs. This is a must. Even more so considering she is carrying an unborn child. Once you tell her tonight, take the initiative to set up the appointments, as soon as possible. You need to take responsibility.

Noah,

You might be getting a little over whelmed with all of the advice at this point, but please take all of it into consideration. Most of it is being given from lessoned learned after our own confessions, or after discovery of our As.

Everything that is mentioned above is valuable and good advice.

I will add something that might have been noted above, be proactive. Have a game plan in place of what YOU are going to do to save the marriage. This is on you now, the marriage issues that you mention are not to be the focus. The A is the issue now, and for a long time.

Good luck.

First of all I want to congratulate you on your decision to be up front with your wife about this. It's not easy.

Secondly, you might want to run out and find a copy of Not Just Friends, because I think it will help your wife immensely. You should also read it. If you can find it prior to your talk, that'd be nice because it'd be right there if she wants to look through it. It was very valuable to me, and I wish I'd had it sooner after D-day. I'd also suggest How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, for you.

Its that my wife (and my actions) set the stage for making an affair seem like an option. We both are responsible for that. My wife for constantly doubting me and accusing me and not trusting me. It takes a toll.

Let's say you are the sole provider for your family and financial responsibility is hugely important to you. Your wife goes out and spends money like there's no tomorrow, racking up huge debt, and now you're in the poorhouse due to her behavior. Does her behavior then entitle you to rob a bank? I guarantee you the law says no. You will still end up a convicted felon in the end.

My husband justified his affairs by telling himself that it was basically a stress reliever. I wasn't doing what he needed (and yes I'll admit that he's right....perhaps a little in denial about the things HE wasn't doing, but still right about things I wasn't doing), therefore he'd just go have a little fun on the side to "blow off some steam". The way he'd tried to address things with me before hadn't worked - and YES, he did try to address them with me before cheating, just not in a very productive manner. Figured I'd "never know about it". Didn't want to file for divorce because he thought of it as something permanent, and he didn't really want to split up. Divorce isn't permanent. You can remarry and you will no longer be divorced. Or you can file and then withdraw the petition. You know what's truly permanent? Being cheated on. My husband can never "uncheat", there's no action he can take to make our union what it was before.

I really think that if you truly want to reconcile with your wife, you need to learn to separate the marital problems from the cheating. It was something that took a little time for my husband to grasp, but he's learned to understand it finally.

And please understand too that if there are problems she has caused in your marriage, she DOES have a responsibility to address those if you both want to remain married and improve the relationship. However I would STRONGLY caution you that she is NOT going to be in a place to talk about those things or work on them anytime soon. It is INCREDIBLY difficult to hear your husband list your faults during a time that your mind cannot escape thoughts of him bonking some young thing. I am 11 months out from my first d-day, and I still need to make a conscious effort to not feel belittled, insulted, and angry when he brings up things I need to work on. It makes me feel as though he's comparing me to the OW (in his head anyway), and that is upsetting.

OW is only 20 and I think that might be the worst part of this. I'm hoping to keep talk of OW to a minimum.

Good God please DO NOT entertain the idea of keeping information from her if she asks for it - including OW's name, and any other info she asks for. You are probably tempted to tell her that OW wasn't important, that who she is or what she was like doesn't have anything to do with your marriage. I am guaranteeing you that attempting to keep information from her, regardless of whether YOU think it is important or relevant, is going to compound your wife's pain and place huge roadblocks in the road to reconciling, not to mention give her even less reason to want to reconcile or make positive changes in her own behavior.

Beware of explicit questions....after many months, I have realized that when I asked my husband detailed sexual questions, it was either because I was feeling insecure and wanted him to reassure me, or it was because I was angry and I wanted to make him uncomfortable. Don't refuse to answer them, because she may NEED that information to help her through this, but just explain that you're willing to answer truthfully but it might be best for her to take a day or two and think about whether she really feels the information will help her heal.

Please don't trickle-truth her. I found out the REAL truth 3 months after D-day, and I will guarantee you 200% that the fact that my husband could continue to lie and withhold information after D-day is pretty much the only thing that still makes me think about leaving.

Realize that you will not understand or agree with all the information she asks for, but do not use that as a reason not to give it to her.

I'm about 90% sure my wife will do the same. I am just going to confess everything and be honest and ask her for a second chance. She probably won't give me it but all I can do is hope at this point.

I hope she can find it in her to give you another chance. I always said if he cheated on me he'd be out the door, and I honest to God meant it....yet here I am.

I'm wishing you the best of luck tonight. There is no way to make it easy or pleasant, and life will likely be awful for a long time afterward, but there are many things you can do to at least not make it worse than it is already bound to be. Please take the advice of the many who have taken the time to post on your thread.

You know what's truly permanent? Being cheated on.

I had that same thought.

The shame will sink in, not when your wife's anger hits you, but when her sadness does. Suppose the sex issues would have been temporary - suppose she would have gotten her libido back after the pregnancy, or after progress in MC, or after a Retrouville weekend or a romantic vacation with you? But what if now that's not possible? You've just created a very permanent solution to what might have been a temporary problem. What if every time now that she wants to make love to you or you want to make love to her, she can't help but picture you making love to another girl? Picture you being tender with someone else, being turned on by someone else, choosing someone else, and then blaming it all on your wife? What if to her it is never "making love" ever again, but "just sex"? What if you ruined that for her permanently? You cannot unfuck that woman. Your last "new" person will always be someone who was not your wife. How will you help her heal from that?

The shame will set in, when you finally accept what your wife has lost, what of hers you sacrificed.

I'm not trying to be too casual about all of this and I'm sorry if it seems that way. I know what a big deal this is and I am terrified and nervous and not at all calm. I'm not trying to just loosely converse about this. I've been stressed from day 1 of the affair and even if I'm not at the point where I should be I know what I did was wrong and I am not at all saying the affair was okay. I've always felt like if someone takes time to say something or give advice, I should at least respond to it. I just feel like I'm under attack here. Whatever I say is wrong. If I respond to QUESTIONS people ask, I'm casually conversing and not taking this seriously?

The two big things you need to focus on are remorse and transparency. I don't think you're even remotely close to feeling full remorse yet, but you can begin the process of full transparency tonight. Offer your wife ALL of your usernames and passwords to EVERYTHING. And do not go into your accounts and "clean up" ahead of time. You need to wrap your head around the idea that you don't get to keep ANY secrets about your A. Hand over your phone, your laptop, everything. And be willing to write a NC letter with your wife right away, and most importantly, STICK TO IT. Your AP does not deserve a head's up that this is about to happen, and if you give her one, your wife is going to take that very personally. Your loyalty should be to your wife only.

Be prepared that your wife will likely want to out your A to the whole world, including the OW's husband if she has one. Your mom might get a phone call (I told my MIL when I found out, and my H's family knows about my A as well). Your wife is under no obligation to protect your secrets for you, so be prepared for the aftermath.

I won't give OW any heads up. My loyalties are with my wife and I wouldn't choose OW over her like that. No contact letter is something I'll offer and if my wife wants do in front of her. My wife already has access to my phone and I'll disable my google voice number if we end up going NC. With passwords and such I'll see what she says. I think some privacy is important too.

OW doesn't have a husband or boyfriend or anything like that. I never thought of telling parents but if she need to tell my parents I'll let her. I would rather we not, especially if we are going to reconcile. But I'm prepared for that now.

Your BW is going to have a zillion questions about the OW. Answer every single one honestly without being cruel. Oh, my heart is breaking for your BW right now.

If you have a picture of OW show it to BW if she asks. It drove me insane to not know what and who the OW was.

I'm going to be honest. That is what I've taken away from this. NO MORE LIES. So that will be my approach. I don't want to talk about OW but I will answer her questions. To not answer would be cruel.

Will a picture help? It will just make things worse. OW is conventionally attractive and very skinny and I feel like having a picture will just make it worse for us. Her emotionally and me in terms of chances of reconciliation.

If my wife asks me what was the sex like... is it okay to be selective with what I say, if you know what I mean or do I still need to be totally honest?

I didn't realize the depth of what I had done in my own A until I experienced the pain of being a BS myself. I want you to take just a second and imagine what it would feel like if the tables were reversed. What if she sat you down tonight and told you that she's been unhappy in the marriage because you've been neglecting her...and baby #3 is not actually your child?

I can only imagine my feelings would be just pure anger if I learned that. Its a different level of betrayal but I would just be very, very hurt and furious. Its why I think there is no real chance of reconciliation. I hold onto some hope but its pretty unlikely. I am the forgiving one of us and I don't think I could forgive if she did what I did. It would hurt so much. I will try to put myself in her shoes.

This has already been addressed, but I cannot emphasize this enough - please do NOT try to control what your wife is and isn't "allowed" to know. She's going to have a zillion questions, and she's going to ask some of them over and over again. This is not to torture you. There are times when I ask my husband a question and 10 minutes later I cannot remember his answer. I have a really good memory for conversations normally. But not the infidelity-related ones. It's so much shock, so much trauma, that your brain has a hard time grasping/processing the information.

Thanks, I will try to be patient with her. All of you are helping so much.

Really? Why are these your only choices? You are not "forced" to be with the OW if your wife decides she doesn't want to be with you.

I don't know what happens with OW if my wife kicks me out. We'll see. I want to save our marriage and as long as there is a chance of that happening I won't be with OW. If my wife kicks me out, files for divorce, and says she never wants to get back together then I don't know.

I am guessing, and feel free to correct me, that you didn't consistently and effectively communicate your distress. Did you drag her to marriage counseling to get help with this issue, which you claim has plagued your marriage for years? Did you tell her at any point that you could not live like you were and that if things didn't't change that you would divorce her?

I was content for a long time to just let it be. I was happy enough. Our marriage wasn't great but work has been going well, I love our kids, and it didn't seem worth it to make drastic changes. I was more than content to just watch football than do something to fix our issues. So it is on me as well. I would have let it go as this partnership had it not been for the affair. The affair was a total random event. So many things happened that wouldn't' happen normally that led to it.

I think it's rather telling you're "conversing" through this thread like you really have any choice in this anymore.

The casual, I really do love my wife despite the complaining, I can easily see morphing into the all too typical panic when that complaining wife tells you she's done.

Wonder what her list looks like.

I don't understand at all what your issue is at all. I know I don't have a choice. I have to confess and I am going to. I know that. I am not being casual about anything. I know she has issues too. I haven't said she doesn't.

Another thing. After you tell her, you both will need to be tested for STDs. This is a must. Even more so considering she is carrying an unborn child. Once you tell her tonight, take the initiative to set up the appointments, as soon as possible. You need to take responsibility.

I haven't had sexual contact with my wife since the affair started so there is no possible way I could have infected her or our child.

I was content for a long time to just let it be. I was happy enough. Our marriage wasn't great but work has been going well, I love our kids, and it didn't seem worth it to make drastic changes. I was more than content to just watch football than do something to fix our issues. So it is on me as well. I would have let it go as this partnership had it not been for the affair. The affair was a total random event. So many things happened that wouldn't' happen normally that led to it.

Correction. It is on you. Not "as well".

If you were not motivated to do something to fix the issues, then you can't blame your wife. It was not bad enough to put the least bit of effort into fixing it, but it was bad enough to blow up your wife's life over?

I always said that cheating was a deal breaker. When I found out in April that my husband had lied and was unfaithful divorce was not my first step. It was going to me a last step. No one can say for sure what they would do unless they have had it happen to them.

Her first reaction may be that she wants a divorce. Many BS make decisions based on emotion. Give her some time to process. What she says and does over the next few months may be completely different then her immediate reaction. It's going to be a roller coaster of emotions for a very long time. Be patient with her, reassure her, and always own your shit! Affair issues are completely separate from marital issues. And until you work through the affair issue you can not work on any marital issues.

I wish you the very best. You are doing the right thing.

I don't know what happens with OW if my wife kicks me out. We'll see. I want to save our marriage and as long as there is a chance of that happening I won't be with OW. If my wife kicks me out, files for divorce, and says she never wants to get back together then I don't know.

This may change. I thought the same way. Until it actually happened, and I realized the very last thing on Earth that I wanted was to run back to the OM. He was single, he was available, and he wanted me to ride off into the sunset with him. But I just couldn't do it.

Hopefully, if it comes down to that, you won't want to either. Do you really want to be that kind of guy? Could you really even consider being with the person who helped you shatter your wife's world? Would you really want your children to think that way of you? Your family? Your friends?

Her first reaction may be that she wants a divorce. Many BS make decisions based on emotion. Give her some time to process. What she says and does over the next few months may be completely different then her immediate reaction.

This. Hence why, the OW really shouldn't be an option at all. If you really want your M, then you won't run to the OW at all. Especially because it will just make your BW feel even more pressured into a decision or, worse yet, further disrespect her.

I'll disable my google voice number if we end up going NC.

Hopefully, after tonight, that will be a *when* you go NC with OW, not an *if*.

Will a picture help? It will just make things worse. OW is conventionally attractive and very skinny

If your wife wants to see a picture please show her. I went insane not knowing what OW looked like. I sat at the computer for weeks searching for a picture. Finally found one and it was a step in the healing journey for me. OW isn't attractive, but even if she was, I just needed to know what OW looked like. How would I know if OW was standing in line behind me at the grocery store?

About the sex. It devastated me that FWH told me the sex was passionate. I am glad he was honest. I know some WS's say the sex was awful. I would find that really hard to understand why you would continue the affair if it was awful, but some do. FWH told me that the sex wasn't better than ours but different. Whatever! I remember different and it was good.

Tread lightly with the sex details. I don't know the details because I knew that I wouldn't ever be able to get it out of my head and I didn't ask. I know what and how my FWH likes sex. I imagine the sex was along the same lines as ours. Could be wrong, but to me, it doesn't matter. If your BW asks for the details tell her you will answer her questions but that she should think more about it before you answer. As someone else suggested ask her to really think about what she wants to know for a few days.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 3:41 PM, November 15th (Thursday)]