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About scheduling an appointment for your wife to get checked for STDs or just a physical check up...you missed the point.

She may be wondering if you were cheating with women before you met the OW in your situation. She likely doesn't know what to believe and certaintly whatever you tell her is going to be taken with skepticism.

The purpose of making an appointment for her is so that she sees you care about her health and want her to be taken care of. You can try to reassure her that you haven't exposed her to STDs but how about being concerned about her physical health due to the stress of your betrayal?

Your wife can always refuse or cancel the appointment. And most definitely you should share your test results with her and follow up on HIV testing for at least 6 months (or whatever the doctor recommends).

Don't risk exposing your wife to anything if you do have sex (common with hyperbonding). Show her you care enough to protect her health and use a condom until you know you are safe.

[This message edited by FaithStricken at 1:50 PM, November 19th (Monday)]

I'm not sure I understand what you are saying. I know I have to go NC if I want my marriage to even have a chance. Do I *want* to go NC? If I could talk to OW and have no repercussions to my marriage then who knows. But that isn't going to happen. I have to make a choice and I want my marriage and family. So if I sent a NC letter I would intend to honor it.

Go NC. Period. Not because you want your M but because it is the right thing to do. In How to Help Your Spouse Heal the author talks about how being with the AP after the M ends is one of the most damaging things you can do to your BW and kids.

And I'm sure my fWH intended to honor the NC he sent, but he didn't. He wanted his M and family, too, but he also wanted to feel good and our home wasn't feeling too good to him at that point.

It may sound obvious, but it happens all the time. You need to cut off contact definitively.

And, what do you mean by you haven't "really" talked to OW since Thursday?

I only did that once in my defense.

I'd like to echo others saying that you should drop this phrase from your vocabulary before telling your wife. There is no defense, and you don't get any awards for only violating what your spouse most likely deems sacred only once. Be prepared for your wife to have trouble believing your story about the air mattress. She may have trouble believing anything you say right now - the best thing you can do is be honest, consistent, and completely transparent. You've already proved to her that you can deceive her, any trickle truth, minimizing, or lies of omission will only reinforce her belief that she can't trust you. I can't stress that enough.

Did you read up on HPV? YOU can't be tested for it, therefore you can have it and pass it on. All it takes is skin on skin contact...doesn't have to be sexual.

I did read up on HPV. From the CDC,

HPV is passed on through genital contact, most often during vaginal and anal sex. HPV may also be passed on during oral sex and genital-to-genital contact.

I haven't had any of that type of contact with my wife. There is no chance I transferred any potential diseases to my wife. And there is not even any certainty I have any STDs.

It was an entire "romantic" overnight in a place that was supposed to be a sacred sanctuary for you and your wife. Please don't minimize it. It won't minimize the betrayal or her pain.

I know it was wrong and I'm not downplaying it. I could have just not mentioned it but I did because I wanted to be honest. The OW was not in our bedroom or our bed. I am not lying about that.

And I'm sure my fWH intended to honor the NC he sent, but he didn't. He wanted his M and family, too, but he also wanted to feel good and our home wasn't feeling too good to him at that point.

It may sound obvious, but it happens all the time. You need to cut off contact definitively.

And, what do you mean by you haven't "really" talked to OW since Thursday?

I understand fully. Everyone has the best of intentions at first. I will talk to my wife and we will go from there.

I sent her a couple brief messages over the weekend. Like "busy" or "I can't talk now" type deals. I haven't said anything of substance to her and I've ignored her calls since. So NC hasn't been officially done but I'm going to talk to my wife, offer it and try to establish official, firm NC tonight.

Kudos to you for confessing Noah.

I think it would be really impressive for you to just write down a list of passwords and hand it to her, no prompting.

She might not be ready to do MC with you but I think it's a great idea for you to go ahead and schedule IC for you. My H and I are both in IC right now and I don't really want to do MC right now. Not to say I don't want to work on our marriage/stay married. I do, very much. I just think we both have our own shit to deal with first. And I think it's a good idea for you to start exploring why you went down this path with an IC, regardless of whether you're in MC.

Good luck Noah.

Noah - please, for the love of all things holy - if you are picking your wife...pick your wife.

So NC hasn't been officially done but I'm going to talk to my wife, offer it and try to establish official, firm NC tonight

I can literally SEE the fence you are sitting on. GET OFF OF IT.

Dont offer it up, dont just ask your wife if she wants you do to it.

Write an NC letter/email, sit down with your wife, show her said email. Tell her that you have written this out and you will be sending it in front of her so that she knows that its been sent.

Then, while she is sitting there - you write down the OW's phone number and email address for your wife to have as reference THEN you delete and block her phone number from your phone. Then you do the same thing with her email address in your email - and you do it to ever other mode of contact that OW had with you.

NC is ALSO for you.....have no NC is like a fat kid on a diet hiding a candy bar - you KNOW its there, all you are waiting for is that one little moment of weakness to go get it - if that candy bar isnt even there, then you cant go back to it.

No back burners for you.

Write the letter - for yourself, for your wife....

[This message edited by Undefinabl3 at 3:50 PM, November 19th (Monday)]

NC is ALSO for you.....have no NC is like a fat kid on a diet hiding a candy bar - you KNOW its there, all you are waiting for is that one little moment of weakness to go get it - if that candy bar isnt even there, then you cant go back to it.

^^^^This Noah. Read this.

Honestly, no matter how little you think the OW matters to you right now, when then shit hits the fan and things get really messy, which they will once this hurt sinks in for your wife; you will have moments of temptation.

You may think this won't be the case for you, especially if you don't believe you are in love with the OW; but she had something you thought it was worth risking your marriage for; worth risking your wife's love and heart for, worth risking your children's security and future happiness for.

When times get tough, if you still have the ability to contact the OW, you more than likely will.

The NC isn't just about providing no contact for your BW; it's about YOU recognising that the OW is no good to you, your BW or your M.

The OW's future is not for you to be concerned with. You need only be concerned with your BW. The OW is not evil incarnate despite how harsh we appear to be on SI towards the OW, of course not; but they are very damaged in themselves and as such unhealthy people also. They have their own demons to deal with and issues to face. The OW was by no means innocent, she knew you to be married and flirted back and then gave you her number. What kind of 20 year old girl gives an older married guy her number - not a healthy one that's for sure. You need to let go of her once and for all - not just for your wife, but for you.

You still have her hanging - still keeping in touch:

I sent her a couple brief messages over the weekend. Like "busy" or "I can't talk now" type deals. I haven't said anything of substance to her and I've ignored her calls since. So NC hasn't been officially done but I'm going to talk to my wife, offer it and try to establish official, firm NC tonight.

Don't offer it. Just do it if you want your wife; if your want your family and your marriage. If you try and have both, you will lose everything you hold dear.

Congrats on taking the road less traveled.

I beg of you: do not break NC, and do not TT. Breaking NC once established and giving TT's is like knifing your wife while she lays of on the kitchen floor crying. Don't do it. Have more respect for her.

I know you that have your own perspective on what's right and wrong right now. I am willing to bet a year's subscription of full access to SI that your prospective will change drastically over the next three years if you are still in R and if you honor no TT and no breaking NC, that most of the problems you are experiencing with your marriage and how your wife is reacting to you is mostly from you, not your wife. And at the same time, you will find your life more joyous and to have more meaning.

Good luck.

Good start, Noah. The part about you holding your wife and crying brought tears to my eyes.

But take heed. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

I am one of the lucky ones. I got the gift of R. I did just about everything wrong at first, too. So, I want to see others avoid what I went through and put my BS through.

Noah, you have the opportunity to do things "right", if you will.

First of all, you can't make a decision about whether or not you want to R if you are keeping the OW on layaway.

(As an aside, I hope you realize that the vast majority of realtionships founded in infidelity and dishonesty lead to failure).

You don't have to pick R. You can be alone. It's the "two-choice" dilemna. There is a third choice. Many of us WS are afraid to be alone, so we think we have to pick BS or OP.

Regardless your decision, you made a choice to be married. So maybe you owe that part of you and her a full committment to trying.

You can't try if you aren't NC.

The next step is NC. It's simple.

We will help you with the other steps.

There is a thread "You cannt be friends with you former AP". Hopefully, someone will bump it for you.

You need to cut it off hard and with no fond words to leave a door open. A quick text from you and wife saying "it's over. Never contact me again" is sufficient.

If you do a flowery goodbye, it is another knife in your BS' back.

Whoops, partial double post! (how'd that happen?!)

[This message edited by MFC2011 at 9:33 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

(((Noah))) So proud of you for having "The Talk". I know it wasn't easy.

Your wife's reaction sounds like mine. I didn't scream. I didn't yell. I didn't break things, hit him, toss him out of the house, or pack up his stuff.

I was very, very calm. I sat through a 2 hour car ride with our children and an entire Christmas Day with my H's family. No one except him knew anything was wrong.

I will guarantee you that anger will come later. Please don't be surprised. If you do a lot of reading on here, especially in general or JFO, you'll start to understand what a BS may feel months after d-day. For me, real raging anger set in in September....9 months after D-day #1, 6 months after D-day #2.

Hearing you talk about NC, though, it's glaringly obvious that you're not 100% all in.

I agree with cdnmommy (

Go NC. Period. Not because you want your M but because it is the right thing to do.

) You need to drop that OW like a hot potato, not wait around for your wife to decide whether or not you're going to stay together and THEN you would stop talking to OW. Your wife may decide in a week, in a year, in TEN years, that she wants to split up. There's never a guarantee in relationships. Are you going to keep an OW on the back burner the whole time just in case? It kinda sounds like maybe you might have some issues with the idea of being single for a little while - even if your wife leaves, what's wrong with being on your own for a bit until you meet someone who you can have an honorable relationship with? (i.e. NOT the OW)

When my H was about to confess his two other OW (on D-day #2), he tried to make me promise that I wouldn't leave him before he told me what he had to confess. I refused. I told him the most I would promise was that I wouldn't leave "right away". I'd think it over first. And he did go ahead and 'fess up, thank God, despite his fear that telling me about the other two OW was going to kill our marriage. It means a lot to me that he did that.

I sent her a couple brief messages over the weekend. Like "busy" or "I can't talk now" type deals. I haven't said anything of substance to her and I've ignored her calls since. So NC hasn't been officially done but I'm going to talk to my wife, offer it and try to establish official, firm NC tonight.

This has gotta stop though. My husband did not stop talking to the OW after my d-day, and it was HEARTBREAKING when I found out later. Please please don't. You will cause SO MUCH more damage via contact after d-day than what you did before it. Because now your wife KNOWS and you've SEEN her reaction and her hurt. And if you continue to contact the OW, you're now doing it KNOWING that you're hurting your wife on purpose. Why are you replying to her messages? If you're afraid of pissing off the OW....well you've already told your wife, so that horse is out of the barn. No need to fear her now, as long as you've been honest with your wife and there aren't other secrets that the OW can reveal. If you're afraid of seeming rude to her, or hurting her feelings.....then you have a lot of work to do, because that needs to be the FURTHEST thing from your mind if you want your marriage to survive. If your wife finds out you've continued to reply to her through d-day and beyond, how are you going to explain that? Seriously - try to run the dialogue in your mind. Can you imagine telling your betrayed spouse that the reason you didn't stop replying to OW and continued to hide your actions and betray her (your wife) was "good manners"?

You also need to make sure that your NC letter is not what my H tried to send after D-day #1, which was basically a love letter in disguise...."I've been thinking a lot about our time together"....meant to allow her to think that he was pining away over her.

You need to tell OW that your wife is important to you, your family is important to you. That what you did with OW was a mistake and you regret it. That you will not be contacting her again, and you will not accept any contact from her either. And for goodness' sake, don't apologize to her or say anything about treating her (OW) unfairly.

Keep it short.

Let your wife see it and edit as necessary.

Send it and never look back.

If you and your wife don't stay together, cross that bridge when you get to it. You don't need to keep OW under it like some kind of troll, waiting to pounce on you if your marriage falls apart. You move on. You tell her to move on. People do it ALL the time.

It really sounds like you want to do right, Noah. It sounds like you're a little foggy maybe, but that behind the fog you know what the right thing to do is. Please take the plunge and just DO the right thing without giving it any further thought. Go NC, prove to your wife you're all in, and do what you need to do to fix YOU so that regardless of what happens with your current marriage you can be a happy man and a father your children will be proud of.

Wishing you and your wife the best.

And honestly, I do not believe you weren't having sex with her in your bed. There is no way you brought the OW into your home to end up telling her "we'll have to stay on an air mattress".

I do believe Noah, because I did pretty much the exact same thing. I brought the OM into my marital home when my XH was out of town to stay overnight, and he (the OM) knew full well in advance that we'd be sleeping on the floor of the living room. Doesn't make it "better" (as was my mistaken belief at the time ) but it's the truth.

Noah, good for you for confessing. Everyone has great advice for you; they've all been there & done that, please listen to them.

And there is not even any certainty I have any STDs.

Well that's a good point. But because of infidelity the uncertainty remains that you might.

Get tested and keep you and your wife safe from here on.