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aas-

Yes, she is up against the ropes, BUT she is already looney-tunes so feeling the ropes on her back is NOT gonna help her get any clarity!

Since you did not immediately fall for the crap on her "olive branch" she went back to being the bitch.

Unless it's about the kids and finances **crickets** (have you heard that before?? )

You did great yesterday, and the judge saw that.

Keep it up!

Sending strength.

What a disappointment if this is how she's going to carry on. Anyway - don't get drawn into a text war with her allatsea - stick to the matter in hand - only negotiate (via text or e-mail) custody and visitation schedules with her.

Have you told your solicitor about her being pregnant yet? I confess to not knowing anything at all about the law in regard to the possible consequences of that to you. I just assumed because the dna wouldn't match that would be the end of it - but bigger's scenario is literally frightening if you can be made the child's legal father just because you are still married - regardless of whether you are the biological father or not - and as I wouldn't put anything past your wife - I agree with the others - act on bigger's advice and protect yourself early! Better safe than sorry.

Yes, the solicitor knows and so do child services and the court.

There really is no concern about me being labelled the father.

I've told her that if she wants to rant and accuse me of stuff in the hopes she catches me admitting something I haven't done then she should not contact me.

If she wants to have a serious debate about the children then put it in an email. If not, sod off and see you in court.

If she wants to have a serious debate about the children then put it in an email. If not, sod off and see you in court.

Exactly. Serious and respectful or not at all.

Wouldn't it have been nice if she had learned something yesterday...

My hopes have been shortlived. No sooner did I agree to considering her proposal she has sent me a barrage of texts trying to trap me into saying something incriminating. Game playing.

Same BS on my end, AAS. I recommend SILENCE. Your text messaging is broken.

Pass ALL of the texts on to your lawyer.

You need to make sure that these texts aren't lost.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 10:34 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

Awkward situation set me back several months:

I walked into my barbers on Friday afternoon and who should be in there but CSTBXWW with my two sons. There was quite a queue so we were all sat next to each other. I chatted with the boys and CSTBXWW joined in the banter. For several moments I had flashbacks to having sat there when we were still a family. For the briefest of seconds it almost felt like nothing was different as the boys enjoyed us being together and she was being civil for the sake of the children.

It didn't take me too long to realise that only two days prior I was in court fighting to see more of my children, she has been shagging another man for nearly a year, she's lying through her teeth and she is three months pregnant. It began to hurt but I kept up the pretense of being OK. Youngest son started to ask me embarassing questions about a lady I'm seeing and CSTBXWW asked him to stop prying. I thought it was quite amusing and gave him just enough information for her to get a picture of my plans for the evening.

Within a couple of minutes CSTBXWW suddenly got up and told the boys that they would come back later when it wasn't so busy.

I asked if they could stay in the shop with me and she could collect them after their hair was cut but she didn't reply and walked off.

It did occur to me that she, too, might have thought that the whole experience reminded her too much of what she has given up but then I realised that would be an emotion of regret, which I doubt she has.

She has dug a hole sooo deep that she cannot climb out of and she has no choice but to keep going.

The past week has been tough for me and I've been over thinking her actions. I've also been remebering back to when we were pregnant with our two children. It was a decent, honest and happy time. We were married, happy, no stress and excited about the future. Compare this to her current situation and she must be feeling different; she's married to me and pregnant with another man's child, she's older, she's enduring significant stress with the court disputes, she has shame, guilt and her career will be on hold again. Her parents will be ashamed, particularly her Dad, and to top it all she has the additional stress of being in a fledgling relationship with a nasty man, she has to keep him happy even when the baby arrives (she cast me to the side when the babies arrived and this was OK because we were married and you accept that it will happen).

I would love to hear some remorse

[This message edited by allatsea at 4:57 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

That had to be uncomfortable.I don't think you will ever hear that from her. I think you will be happier when you are able to not care abot what she is thinking or feeling. Just focus on you and your boys. The girl you knew no longer exists.

allatsea,

It must have been awful to run in to her and your boys like that. I'm glad you walked in and owned the situation, instead of turning around and leaving before they realized you had walked in.

I have a different take on the following:

Youngest son started to ask me embarassing questions about a lady I'm seeing and CSTBXWW asked him to stop prying. I thought it was quite amusing and gave him just enough information for her to get a picture of my plans for the evening.

Within a couple of minutes CSTBXWW suddenly got up and told the boys that they would come back later when it wasn't so busy.

I asked if they could stay in the shop with me and she could collect them after their hair was cut but she didn't reply and walked off.

I think she thought she had you wrapped around her finger, chatting with the boys, with her interjecting. Then when she realized you have a nice life of your own without her, it ticked her off. She left with the boys to punish you and end your nice visit with them.

I doubt she was remembering the good old days with you. She can't afford to, it might crack her facade...she can't see herself as the person she has become.

I agree with you on this one:

She has dug a hole sooo deep that she cannot climb out of and she has no choice but to keep going.

Her life is a train wreck which has progressed beyond repair.

You are strong, you have suffered and are coming out of this with your own integrity and self respect intact. You are proving that you are not a scumbag, like her POSOM. When that baby comes, their unicorns will turn into big dirty horses pulling their cart full of real life troubles. Their dreamland will be over.

Wow. What were the chances of that happening? Very awkward indeed. But I'm glad that she managed to be civil - at least for a little while - and I agree with HurtButHopeful, I think it made her very angry to realise that you had nice plans for the evening and were moving on in your personal life.

That wasn't in her plans. Yes, I think that after the court last week, and then finding out about your fun evening it seemed to be dawning on her that you may come out of this divorce with much more than she originally thought or wanted. A good custody and visitation schedule with your boys and a personal life of your own, and that certainly wasn't in her plans. She wanted to be the 'winner.'

I too think she walked off taking the boys with her just to spite you and show you that she could. You seemed altogether far too happy to her in that moment and that angered her so she wanted to pop your bubble. allatsea, I honestly believe she is not a happy woman, no matter what she'd have you believe.

Hurt and Sins

I think you guys are right. It wasn't a feeling of emotion by CSTBXWW; it was her exerting control and power. She could have so easily been decent and said that she would come back later and collect the boys but she didn't.

I haven't heard from her at all about offering a compromise. Typical

Can you send an email to her, once weekly, same day same time, worded the same each time, stating your exact request for the custody time you want with your boys? I'd run that idea by your solicitor first, though. That should get the message through that this is what you want and you are unwavering. Strength to you, AAS.

I could send an email like that but her solicitor has already instructed that all communication goes through them and she occasionally brandishes the threat of harassment at me, just to flex her muscles.

Is it normal for me to keep reminiscing back to happier times, and in particular our wedding day?

AAS

You should have taken a photo of you, your boys and your wife at the barbershop.

And sent it to her BF.

Your message with the picture should have been:

"At the barber with my wife and boys getting some trim.... :)"

You are doing great. She will look like a whale at the next court appearance.

And the judge is going to realize you are not the father.

Stay calm, cool and compassionate. February is right around the corner.

HM

Is it normal for me to keep reminiscing back to happier times, and in particular our wedding day?

I think it is. You are starting to move on. I think you may have emotionally started to really and truly detach from this latter day version - because this woman today is no longer the one you want.You are now missing and mourning the woman you thought you married in the first place. You've separated her from the woman you see today and you're mentally remembering back to a time when you thought you had the 'real' her - the one you hoped would eventually come back to you. The woman you thought you knew. The one who hadn't hurt you yet. Of course that woman no longer exists - if she ever really did. I think it's both normal and a sign of your healing aas.

Of course it's normal for you to reminisce. You have been through a tremendous trauma, and it hasn't even been a year. You are mourning the loss of your marriage with CSTBXWW.... and trying to adjust to your crazy new reality. And I, for one, think you have done a tremendous job in keeping yourself together. Hang in there!

Is it normal for me to keep reminiscing back to happier times, and in particular our wedding day?

Of course it is normal, AAS. I do the same thing. Look, you were with your wife for nineteen years. I was with mine for eleven. We had children; we forged a real life.

If you did NOT find yourself reminiscing, waxing nostalgic and suffering from time-to-time, I would consider it ABnormal--particularly since this all has happened so quickly in your case.

And if you weren't doing this, it would suggest that you didn't really love her then, that your marriage was not happy--as our WW's would have us believe. But they are wrong. We loved them, they loved us, and our marriages were good marriages.

That's why this sucks so badly. It would be easier if we did not enjoy happy times in the past and lived, as they do, in a world of denial and narcissism.

The intervals will get longer and longer between these painful reminiscing as time wields its power.

How are are you holding up, AAS? Still playing the agonizing waiting game, I assume. Keep us apprised! Don't stop posting! It is cathartic, and we all care.

I could send an email like that but her solicitor has already instructed that all communication goes through them and she occasionally brandishes the threat of harassment at me, just to flex her muscles.

If this is how you are suppose to communicate, why is she contacting you directly? Also why are you responding to HER? It can't be both ways. If she wants communication through her lawyer than tell her to stop contacting you.

Dear Sirs,

I am writing in regard to the events of 9th November 2013.

Your client has previously instructed and asserted that attendance by me at any after-school activity or club event, whilst the children are in her care, would be seen as an aggressive and antagonistic act that would possibly result in the calling of the Police and has, in fact, resulted in such action on one occasion. Subsequent to this, I have not attended swimming lessons or Karate classes for several months for fear of being accused of harassment by your client or further assaulted by her affair partner.

On the 9th November the children were in my care and this coincided with a Cross- country race for DS8 on the Saturday morning. In accordance with your client’s dictation I, therefore, did not expect your client to attend this event. Furthermore, I was astounded to discover that her affair partner was also in attendance.

This was taken as an extreme act of provocation and hypocrisy and could have inflamed already existing tensions if I had not stepped back when they imposed their affections on DS8. Both children expressed awkwardness and divided loyalties when confronted with the situation which resulted in difficult questions and subdued behaviour from DS6. I consider your client’s behaviour to be hypocritical, inconsiderate, arrogant and antagonistic, particularly with her affair partner in tow.

I ask that you seek clarification as to your client’s position regarding the attendance of swimming lessons, clubs, recitals and organised events to ensure that double standards do not continue.

I look forward to hearing from you

Yours Faithfully