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Wow She is a real piece of work.

No you can't see your kids participate in their activities when I have them, nananbooboo.

Jesus what a self-centered, hypocritical, nutbag.

That letter by the way was EXCELLENT!!!!

(((and strength))))

I get so angry for you, aas. I can't stand your WW's "ownership" of your children and how she "thinks" she gets to dictate everything her way. I don't even understand her animosity towards you, but of course, I don't understand a wicked wayward's mind anyway.

My understanding about chidrens's activities that are during the "other" parents time is that you can attend. They are held in public spaces that you have every right to be in and attend.

Great letter. What does your solicitor suggest you do about children's activities not during your parenting time?

Sister,

I agree. They are public and she can attend. But when she has said that I shouldn't attend events it smacks of double standard.

I also think it insensitive and inflammatory when she brings Gru along. He really didn't need to be there other than to wind me up and/ or continue her facade that he is an amazing and wonderful father who loves the children very much blah blah blah.

I wasn't surprised. She hasn't been considerate toward me for over a year

But when she has said that I shouldn't attend events it smacks of double standard.

Exactly! So why can't you attend your son's activities during CSTBXW's parenting time?

AAS, the key word here is "shouldn't". She's not dictating that you absolutely cannot come which gives her a legal "out".

They are your kids also. Go to their activities all you want. Ignore Gru....he's just there to get a raise out of you. Focus on the kids. They are the important ones anyway.

k9

I know that I could attend but when she says that my attendance would constitute harrassment and an act of aggression and threatens to call the Police (and has done), she is painting me as the unreasonable one.

At the moment, my letter and her behaviour makes her look unreasonable.

I can take the high ground, yet again.

"Your clients attendance with Gru at DS's event seems to be indicative that she no longer feels threatened by my presence at such events. As such, I will be attending all public events in which my children participate.

Please pass along to your your client my thanks for changing her mind about my presence at said events.

Regards,

AAS"

Run something like that past your solicitor. Use her hypocrisy against her.

Strength

aas, your CSTBXWW literally astounds me. You attending activities on her time is 'aggressive and antagonistic' ..her appearing at events on your time is.... her right. A-mazing. If ever anyone needed to be brought down a peg or two it's her.

Your restraint at the match was not only admirable but extremely wise. Rather than cause a scene which would have played right into her hands, you instead wrote a beautifully expressed letter to her solicitor asking for a response from them. If she does not reply you then have a formal paper trail showing that there WAS no response to your very reasonable formal request for clarification.

Well played aas! Handled to perfection. You've backed her into a corner - lets see how she responds. Will she be sensible or not....

Please let us know if you get any response.

AAS

I've been lurking this site for some time, I am sorry for your situation.

As to your letter, rather than taking the position tit for tat, that she cannot attend your kids events when they are in your care too. You could have taken the position and responded that her attendance, even with her OM was an indication that she has revoked her previous letter requesting you do not. Furthermore, you could have stated that it went without incident and police were not necessary. You would anticipate the same on her part.

Now all events could be opportunities for both spouses to attend regardless who is taking them at that date.

This is better for the kids as they get to see you more often. It is sad to think that under her request, they cannot share their sport/activities with you.

Take the high road at the events and avoid confrontation, you are there for your kids.

Just my 2 cents.

Wow. Just wow.

I have just spent my day reading this entire thread. Just wow.

AAS, I comend you for your perserverence for the sake of your children. Way to go, Dad!

I have only 2 things to mention, and I expect that they will be taken with whatever importance you think they deserve - as it should be.

1) Not trying to be a prude, but I would suggest that you put off your social life (as it is regarding "dating") until your divorce is final. I feel certain that your CSTBXWW - in response to any raised eyebrows related to her pregnancy - will be happy to inform the court of your "goings on", and your children's knowledge of such. (Potentially her words - not mine.) Not only the absence of wrongdoing, but the absence of the perception of wrongdoing is necessary. It seems to me that it could be worth the sacrifice, in order to give the CSTBXWW zero amunition.

2) this...

I also think it insensitive and inflammatory when she brings Gru along. He really didn't need to be there other than to wind me up and/ or continue her facade that he is an amazing and wonderful father who loves the children very much blah blah blah.

I want to gently and respectfully (of all of your recent trauma) interject that the absence of any feeling - indifference - is the opposite of love. Again, gently, why would the POS being at the event have "wound you up", and what do you care if he is an "amazing and wonderful father - blah blah blah"? You have repeatedly stated that you see your CSTBXWW as the "crazy" person that she is and that you don't want her back.

Bigger is spot on - right now, its all about the children. God, do they need you!

You don't need a beautiful lady to make you feel worthy - at least I hope you don't. You can sacrifice that for a few months for your kids, right? Just in case something is attempted to be used against you? It is JMHO that you don't need any type of relationship now other than to be surrounded by your friends.

And, make it your goal to wake up in the morning feeling nothing for that woman "romantically" speaking - no sadness that she is gone; no pain because she is with this loser; no feeling of rejection - but that of appreciation that this has happened NOW rather than LATER - so that you have more of your life in front of you. ANY type of "bother" to you regarding this nasty other man is just an indication to her that you still care, right?

PLEASE don't give her that!

(Of course, I'm sure there will be all kinds of feelings about her efforts to take away your kids.)

Please take this post in the spirit in which it is given. I respect you and your efforts thus far. We are all rooting for you and your children. Speaking for myself, I have no feelings whatsoever for your broken CSTBXWW.

This is all about making the best of a broken situation, and moving forward into happiness and security for you and your boys.

HUGS and prayers for you!!!

PS I am right there with Bigger also on the matter of the unborn child. I know personally of cases where a woman was living under another roof when she got pregnant, but put the estranged husband's name on the birth certificate - and so be it - he was the father in the eyes of the court.

I wouldn't put this past her - and you might have to pay child support for this child.

I am not legally savy enough to know what you mean when you say "There is no concern about you being the father". Please be careful with this.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:41 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

Whatsright,

Thank you for your post. I hear what you are saying.

On one specific point, though; of course his attendance at this event wound me up. Just because I don't want her back doesnt mean that I have ceased all emotion for her and her actions.

I'm not yet indifferent because I still love my wife and still hurt immensely. I was with her a very long time and it still hurts to see her, see him and particularly see them together pretending that he is my children's father

So yes, it does wind me up.

When it comes to dating I find that the attentions of another woman or women is cathartic, boosts my damaged ego and reinstills a sense of self worth when the woman whom I loved with all my heart threw me under the bus in such a spectacular and hurtful way. I miss the affections of a woman and like to be desired, especially when my wife is currently banging another man

[This message edited by allatsea at 3:08 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

Allatsea;

See my tagline? I have immense belief in that we can influence how we feel and react. I fully get the pain you are going through and I realize that it’s not simply a case of “deciding” to move on, not love your wife and feeling all hunky dory about it.

But I do want to suggest one thing; a small mental exercise.

Stop referring to her as your “wife” as in the sentence “…my wife is currently banging another man“

Technically you two are married but all that’s left to do is the formal legal work of terminating the marriage.

Start talking and thinking of her as your “ex-wife”. That way you can start to emotionally distance yourself from her as your ex-wife as opposed to her as she was when she was your wife.

AAS

Do yourself one other mental exercise.

Picture the OM getting hit by a truck walking across the street. He does not die but is paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of his life with your ExW stuck taking care of him.

He will not be much of a lover, father of anyone's sons nor much of a man.

Picture that and have a big smile on your face when you do.

You can dream up what will put a smile on your face when it comes to your STBXW......

I'm getting cross with her now:

Dear Sirs,

I am writing in regard to email correspondence received directly from your client on the 14th November 2013.

Your client is contravening her own demand, endorsed in writing by yourselves on the 11th July and 2nd September, that all communication about children and financial matters (including splitting of possessions) be addressed via solicitor’s correspondence only and not directly with the other party. Your client has seen fit to avoid any and all negotiation through any means on any subject but considers it acceptable to write directly to me in advance of the financial settlement hearing on the 20th December, which she filed for, having claimed that negotiations that had not taken place, had failed. This was further reinforced by your letter on the 9th October whereby your client deferred to the court rather than respond via any other means.

Your client continues to take advantage of my reasonable behaviour in all matters when it is in her own best interests to do so but conveniently asserts claims of ‘contravening the harassment warning letter’ toward me when she is not willing to provide a response to my direct requests. This is yet another example of hypocrisy which spans every area of discussion and dispute and for which I am no longer prepared to encourage.

In specific regard to your client’s email of today’s date, it would be preferable for your client to produce a complete and finite list of items she would like rather than sporadic and indefinite requests which have been sent vicariously via the children, text and more recently, email. I have always previously accommodated her requests in the interests of being decent but expect reciprocation, reasonably so, which is not currently forthcoming.

As always, I extend an offer to your client that all matters can be resolved amicably without the need for court intervention, particularly in regards to child contact, and I continue to remind your client that both parents should be the decision makers regarding the lives of their children, as asserted by the judge on the 30th October.

If your client’s position has changed and she is now prepared to enter into negotiations, through any means so as to avoid protracted and costly court appearances, please notify me at your earliest opportunity. Alternatively, all matters will be addressed at the appropriate court dates taking place over the coming months.

I look forward to hearing from you

Yours Faithfully

Wow. In her world there really is one law for her and a different one for you.

As for the negotiations, well it would be nice if her solicitor could talk some sense into her and help to get some negotiations going about what is really the best for your children - but I just can't see her doing it. I can't see her moving an inch or suddenly becoming reasonable at this stage. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her if I were you.

Whatever happens allatsea if you do enter into any negotiating with her between yourselves before the court date please continue to DOCUMENT EVERY WORD. Make sure your paper trail is solid and complete. I just don't trust her.

AllatSea

What was in her latest email to get you so riled?

[This message edited by alback at 10:41 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

AAS, I'm new to this conversation; just started reading last night and am on page 22. What a saga! So sorry, truly, that you (and the rest of us) are living such a surreal experience. If we novelized our experiences, critics would say they weren't realistic. Ha!

Anyway, you posted something back on that page that was spot on for my WH--everything about it happened in our conversations as he originally justified his A. It's the question/answer (from Dr. Dobson). You left out the fourth step because God/guilt didn't enter your picture. It does ours, though, and I'm curious about how to find the fourth. My husband, at about the exact time he started the A, declared himself an atheist. Until then, he'd attended church weekly his entire life and appeared to be a devoted Christian. So you can see why the fourth step piques my interest?

Hi ripped,

Welcome to my thread/ blog that I never wanted to write.

I am definitely not someone who can provide insight into a person's belief in God and how it affects their behaviour. All I can say is that if someone chooses to become an atheist once they embark on an affair it is in an effort to reduce cognitive dissonance. What better way to avoid dealing with their guilt than to avoid having to answer to it all together?

To answer a previous question, I'm finally entering an angry phase and throwing back some of the shit that's been hurled at me by using her own missives against her. I've been more decent than I should have been for 9 months and her recent behaviour smacked of double standards. Her last correspondence simply requested some items from the attic but whenever I've asked for stuff from her she accuses me of harasssment. She can't have it both ways

I'm finally entering an angry phase and throwing back some of the shit that's been hurled at me by using her own missives against her. I've been more decent than I should have been for 9 months and her recent behaviour smacked of double standards.

Good for you, AAS! It's about time for both of us.

Unfortunately, the angry feelings are closely associated with strong feelings of emotion and tears. Although I am cross, I often find myself fighting the urge to sob and dwell on the past.

Even though my previous two letters to her solicitor are strongly worded, they are emotionally draining and reminds me how unnecessary this whole experience is.

I spent an evening last night talking with a FWW who said that in all likelihood CSTBXWW was unhappy in the marriage but just couldn't tell me. I argued that even if that was the case, it didn't explain or justify her abhorrent behaviour after dday and the nasty and false accusations that followed and continue 9 months on.

In a low place at the moment