SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are being so strong & so brave! I don't know how you have kept going through all of this. My husband left me for ow a week after our baby's funeral, he either doesn't turn up for agreed contact or just turns up when he feels like it being aggressive & intimidating towards me. I don't want my kids to have any involvement in his fantasy world with ow, I've seen a solicitor & he says kids should not be involved in his new relationship at this point but I know that not going to last forever. How can I go on being so strong like you are being, I don't want to lose my kids while my so called husband plays happy families with someone else? I feel so lost with the death of my baby, it's really affected me since bonfire night, I watched the fireworks & hoped he could see how pretty they were. I'm sorry to hijack your thread, but how do I get through this.

Hi Nutty,

I know the pain you are in regarding the loss of your family unit and the betrayal of the person whom you thought loved you more than anyone else but I cannot conceive how you could cope with that whilst also dealing with the trauma of losing a baby.

All I can say is that you have to cope one day at a time. Let yourself cry when you need to and sleep when you can. That's all I do. Vodka was my friend for many months, and still is on occasion.

We will never truly understand how these people can hurt us with such disregard and contempt. I'm still in shock 9 months on.

Please keep fighting and posting. SI really helps although it can be draining at times because you outpour emotions. It's necessary in order to cope.

AAS

(((Nutty1))) (((allatsea)))

I'm sorry you're both feeling so down. Nutty, my heart breaks to hear you lost a child - and for your husband to leave you a week after the funeral is just unbelievably cruel of him. I wish I had something to say that would help but can only agree with allatsea, look after yourself, take it one day at a time and come here when you need support.

allatsea,

I spent an evening last night talking with a FWW who said that in all likelihood CSTBXWW was unhappy in the marriage but just couldn't tell me. I argued that even if that was the case, it didn't explain or justify her abhorrent behaviour after dday and the nasty and false accusations that followed and continue 9 months on.

I agree. Nothing justifies an affair - if your wife was unhappy she had a million other choices available to her to deal with that unhappiness without choosing to have an affair and causing you untold pain. I'm glad you pointed that out and I really hope that FWW wasn't attempting to justify or lessen in any way the 100% responsibility your CSTXWW holds in making the most destructive choice of all.

Unfortunately, the angry feelings are closely associated with strong feelings of emotion and tears. Although I am cross, I often find myself fighting the urge to sob and dwell on the past.

Of course they are; of course you do. Same here. Just because you are holding strong in your actions, fighting back, composing firm articulate letters, etc. does not mean you are Superman inside. This is not an overnight transformation. I've found, for example, after spending some time with my CSTBXWW the other day that remarkably different emotions can coexist simultaneously.

As she sat next to me crying--not ten minutes after looking at me like she wanted me dead--I felt fear, pity, hatred, resentment, longing, all swirling within me chaotically. (Notice I didn't include "love"; I think that has finally died.)

Longing, yes--she was still the beautiful woman of my past, but this is whom I longed for. It was a shell, though. As yours is too, AAS. Very hard for the human brain to process. I imagine it is akin to visiting a beloved parent with Alzeimers: he/she is there, physically, but really he/she is not. The soul has left the body.

Anyway, you are human, you are sensitive. She was your closest companion for over two DECADES. We are a bonding species. The roots are deep. You are engaged in a battle with a brain hard wired to remain with your mate and keep the family unit close. It's a tough battle. As I think I expressed to you, I personally do not believe we will ever "get over it." I think this has done profound damage. But that does not mean we will not live again. Right now we are still "just" surviving. But eventually we will live.

BTW, I recommend the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It's really the only one of "those" books that really clicked for me, for we have been abandoned, and it helps to understand that our responses are physiological survival reactions forged over deep evolutionary time. Understanding this has helped me not be so hard on myself.

Strength, AAS. You are not alone. Someday we will raise our glasses high and toast ourselves.

Strength, AAS. You are not alone.

This^^^merits repeating.

We are here and we are listening.

(((Aas)))

I think this has been said before, but it also bears repeating.

IMO your CSTBXWW behaves the way she has seen Dday to rationalize her abhorrent behavior in having an affair and destroying her family. The only way she can live with herself is to demonize you. And she has Gru egging her on. It serves his purposes too for you to be the bad guy--after all, he did break up a family. But now he can pretend he "rescued" her.

It's sick, cruel, and completely selfish. But people have a very strong need to rationalize things that they want.

And perhaps at the time she was unhappy; all marriages go through that. But the attraction of new love can cause previously happily married people to rewrite their marital history as well. All completely inexcusable.

So sorry you are feeling down. Hang in there.

AAS, I've been following your thread, but I don't often post because I don't have anything to add to what others have said. However, on the subject of talking to FWWs I DO have something to add.

I recently spent some time in intensive group therapy trying to deal with the depression from dealing with this hell called 'Being Betrayed.' In this group were an XWW and a current WW. I learned for a fact that their BSs had NOTHING to do with their cheating. If there were problems in the marriage, it was probably from their own issues, and not from anything the BS had done.

I was also stunned by the lack of concern for the effects of their actions upon others. One kept wondering why she and her BF (a former AP) couldn't build a trusting relationship, and the other was devastated that her DS was angry at her and couldn't cope with other people 'judging her'.

It was difficult, but I learned that we have something these people will never have, self respect. We may hurt and take a long time recovering, but we know that we have behaved honorably. We have lived our lives according to our values, and we WILL know joy again.

ET correct typos.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 11:11 PM, November 15th (Friday)]

Allatsea my hat is doffed to you sir. I think you may be the strongest guy I have ever seen.

I have nothing to say other than keep moving forwards and get out of the toxic circle of your STBXWW and her pos lover and move on. Find your new life and a new loving woman to share it.

Down the road a few years your idiot WW will realize the stupidity of her choices. Don't be surprised when her wonderful new life falls apart and she comes sniffing around wanting R.

AllAtSea

While your wife might have been unhappy in the marriage.

Her behavior with the Affair and her hurtful actions towards you are just over the top.

She is crazy.

And you need to treat her as such.

I look forward to your day in court because I think that is the only way your custody will get resolved.

Stay strong. You deserve better.

And hopefully soon you can replace her with a great loving woman who is not a selfish, entitled cheater like your Ex.

HM

I'm now in possession of her financial documentation in readiness for the settlement hearing. Her solicitor was supposed to exchange documentation with me at the same time but didn't. I'm now able to review her financial position prior to sending her mine

In summary, what she is asking for is identical to what I offered back in March.

She has a huge credit card bill due to lawyers fees.

Gru is paying for a lot of their living expenses. He is covering all of the rent, gas, electric and half the food. He has to be scratching his head by now(and maybe even his cock )

I thought her parents were bank rolling the divorce but they're not.

She hasn't listed any of the household contents as shared assets. Basically there are only three items up for grabs. House, classic car and caravan. All easily resolved

She isn't demanding more than 50% of the house nor does she want it for herself.

I've recently submitted another lengthy letter to argue for divorce costs to be paid by her. This was quite an emotional letter as it goes right to the heart of the marriage where she argues that we were both responsible for the affair and I argue that she was planning on staying married up until I discovered the affair.

It's written in my usual style and was the first opportunity to legitimately include some feelings in formal correspondence that the solicitor and judge has to read. Whether I win this particular battle or not is no longer important to me. The amount we're talking is sub £1000 and even if I lose she still HAS to pay £400. But the best bit is knowing that her solicitor and the judge have to read it and so does she. She will hate it

Yay! AWESOME!

So nice to get those feelings out for the world to see.

She's bonkers! Imagine coming up with the same financial plan that you mooted way back in March. I bet it also feels good to know that the parents aren't paying and the Gru is being financially walloped. (And possibly itchy )

Ah, the sun really is shiny AAS!

I must have missed this earlier; she is saying to the COURT that you are both responsible for the affair? WTF? I mean, seriously, WTF? Is that actually a legal argument? Like you FORCED her to cheat on you? Or gave her no other choice?

Wow.

Isn't that truly crazy? Asking for what was already offered to her all the way back in March - but now she has a big legal bill to go with it? Yes.. Craaazy lady - Or one who's now seeing reality just that little more clearly - er no, I won't actually hold my breath for that thought to be right - especially if she has done what Catlover posted! It's more like the credit card bills have shocked her into acquiescence.

Isn't it interesting too, if it's their usual m.o. to bankroll her, that her parents are not paying for this divorce. Well not yet anyway. It would also seem from what you say, that Gru's transition from a single man with minimal bills into a man with family responsibilities and expenses is now complete. When you add a new baby into the equation come next year, well, that's a simply massive change of circumstances for him and one that happened a lot faster than it does for most people. Hm... could be coming up to popcorn time.

Anyway, the real point here is that this divorce is beginning to move along and that's a good thing aas, no wonder you're smiling.

This is only the first half of the letter I sent to the court and her lawyer

Chronology

1994: Petitioner and respondent met

1997: Respondent moved in to petitioner’s property.

2004: Married

2005: Son born

2007: Second son born

2011: Petitioner diagnosed with work related anxiety and mild depression

2012: May and June. Petitioner signed off work due to work stress.

2012: July. Petitioner returns to work.

Oct 2012 Relationship begins with line manager.

21/12/12 Adultery committed.

10/02/13 Adultery exposed by petitioner and admitted by respondent.

Respondent declared another affair with colleague in 2002 (POS I didn't even know about)

Summary

The credibility of the respondent must be doubted when a review of all the legal correspondence (already a matter of court record) is made. Numerous examples of exaggeration and untruth are evident. I also attach copies of legal correspondence regarding financial negotiation, or lack thereof.

In late December 2012 both parties committed to an expenditure of £3000 for a foreign holiday in August 2013. This would suggest that the respondent had no intention of leaving the marriage until the adultery was exposed by the petitioner.

The respondent provided an email justification of her betrayal to the petitioner on the 6th May 2013 explaining all of the reasons for the affair. This was an opportunity for her to cite all of the unreasonable behaviour to which she accuses the petitioner of. Upon reading, this would suggest that there were no serious transgressions during the marriage else they would have been included in the message. Essentially and tacitly, the e-mail states that there was no abuse or violence. The pertinent paragraph is provided:

“In answer to one of your texts asking why I am doing this - for the chance of happiness. Our 'perfect family unit' worked for you but it didn't work for me. Yes, the boys had familiarity from our foursome but we could have, and should have done so much more. Life revolved around the TV for everyone and we got lost in material obsession. I wanted to make you happy and agreed to most things you wanted to do or to buy, at the expense of my own wishes, and what we should have been doing with the boys. I never felt totally relaxed when we were all at home, whereas now, I do. You think I am doing this for selfish reasons but I am doing it for the boys as well. Whatever the reasons for it, you are doing things with them that a father should with his sons. I don't expect you to agree or see my side.”

The respondent had never voiced unhappiness in the marriage to the petitioner or her friends or family members. The respondent has brought a few minor examples of marital argument over a 19 year period to the fore in order to justify her adultery and hence the claim she should not pay costs. The petitioner was blindsided when the adultery was exposed. The affair has skewed her perception of the marriage and is choosing to see it as having been flawed all along—an attempt to reduce cognitive dissonance.

The petitioner experienced several months of work related depression and anxiety in the first half of 2012. The respondent expressed “resentment” that the petitioner should be off work and able to drop off and collect the children from school during that time. This has since been cited as another reason to leave the marriage.

In August 2012 the family took an extended vacation to France where both parties expressed a renewed sense of family unity and love for each other. This was a very intimate time for both parties, both physically and emotionally, and reflected a new beginning after mental health issues were resolved. The brief period of depression provided a sense of entitlement for the respondent and she took solace with her line manager to provide the strength and masculinity that was lacking from the petitioner during these months. Her vows were no longer relevant.

I attach 3 email examples sent by the respondent over the past two years of simple expressions of affection and love further demonstrating that the respondent was not in a difficult marriage. The third email was received in late August 2012, just two months before her relationship began with her affair partner.

The emotional pain is still strong and I wish it would subside.

Cstbxww makes no effort to ensure I know about the little things that the boys do.

I found out at the last minute that ds6 had a carol singing event in town. I got there just in time to see him finish. He saw me and I waved.

Cstbxww knew I would try and get there. She walked right in front of me and gave me the biggest and loveliest smile but didn't say a word. She looked gorgeous. My heart broke all over again.

The day before, when she dropped the boys off at my house, she brought gru along and neither of them would even look at me. They looked pissed off.

I just want to see my boys without having my heart broken every time I see her

Even though the package is pretty remember the present is coal.

I know it hurts, but seriously you know that she is a selfish, narcissistic, self involved, PIA.

She may look like Cindy Freaking Crawford, but who cares if all that's in there is LIndsy Lohan.

((((and strength AAS))))

Allatsea,

I have been reading your story for a while and you give me hope that there are good decent men in the world. Your STBXW is bat poop crazy! Wishing you and your boys all the best.

Nutty 1 if you are still reading I sent you a PM.

The emotional pain is still strong and I wish it would subside.

My heart broke all over again.

I know, AAS. I've been going through he same for the last few days. Obsessive thoughts of the woman I fell in love with, and most if all, missing my family intensely. Yesterday I cried for the first time in a few months--like, real weeping. I guess this is just the path we will travel for quite some time. As they say, grieving is not, unfortunately, linear.

But of course we must heed Tushnurse's reminder. She hurt you so egregiously, so remorselessly. And continues to do so. One day our hearts will be hardened and seeing them will stir us not a bit--maybe a distant pang, but that is all.

And always remember that it has not been that long for both of us--around a year. Look back at your very first post. Are the same person? I think not. You were shocked, "desperate," defeated. You are so no longer. Period.

Thanks Tush, Thanks everyone.

You're right, she is only the shell of the woman I thought I was married to. 19 years together means that she is part of my soul. She was my part of me and I am going through withdrawal. I am a junkie and need a fix but the fix is not available. It is dangled in front of me to remind me of what I cannot have. My eyes and heart see my family and yet my head is in perpetual battle with it.

Aching every day

She was my part of me and I am going through withdrawal. I am a junkie and need a fix but the fix is not available. It is dangled in front of me to remind me of what I cannot have. My eyes and heart see my family and yet my head is in perpetual battle with it.

Aching every day

Right there with you, AAS. I just spent twenty minutes with STBX on a couch, alone in our marital home. She was as gorgeous as ever, and I am ashamed to admit I desired her intensely--through my pain, through my outrage. But what can we do?? As you say, they are a part of us and we are experiencing withdrawal. This is a shit hand life has dealt us, but we are still here--limping along, true, but limping forward.