SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

allatsea (and AbandonDad) your wives are fools. To throw away men who have genuinely loved them for years, through both the good and bad times in exchange for affair-land love is just truly insane, and I am convinced that one day they will both know it themselves.

allatsea, your wife is actually cruel. She may still look beautiful but she is ugly on the inside - just like Dorian Gray. I fear that beautiful smile she directed at you was just designed to hurt you - again. She was reveling (in my opinion) in knowing that you knew that she could have told you about the carol concert - but she chose not to. That smile was to show she didn't care that you knew that. It was just her twisting the knife. She knew you would be upset or angry about it and you know that tv character who says 'Do I look bovver'ed...Face? ....Bovvered?' Well I think that was her in that moment. What a cow - I just can't help saying it.

But the fact is - she didn't succeed in depriving you or your son of his carol service - you still got to wave at him and he still got to sing for you, so you two were both winners that day despite her.

One day ass, although it may not seem like it now - you will be through the withdrawal and moving on with your life - hopefully with a woman who appreciates and actually deserves all that love you have to offer.

To throw away men who have genuinely loved them for years, through both the good and bad times in exchange for affair-land love is just truly insane, and I am convinced that one day they will both know it themselves.

Yes, I agree.

Each time read allatsea or abandondad's posts I shake my head in absolute bewilderment.

Faithful, honest men who put their wives and children first time and time again. These wives were cherished.

The mystery that is infidelity.

The injustice that is infidelity.

I have received her statement in relation to child contact arrangements. The level of entitlement and delusion is phenomenal. Her solicitor cannot seriously be recommending this course of behaviour. Yet again her solicitor has sent me the document without a mutual exchange, which helps my cause as it allows me to tailor a few things to address her accusations.

Where do I begin!

Firstly, I now have to admit to you all that I am a bad parent for the following reasons:

Although I have had my children for more than 80 nights since March and not once have they been late to school or had their homework completed I have, on one occasion, failed to return one of the children to his mother with his school coat.

Also, I have included a small minty chocolate in their lunch boxes which are not permitted by the school.

When you add this to my abhorrent behaviour of getting the boys to refer to Gru as 'Dick' instead of Richard you can see how awful I am.

Apparently I am unable to wash clothes or cook a meal (despite coooking 50% of all meals when we were together) and my limited abililties to cope with year-3 maths homework is a 'concern'. I think I needed to learn how to round up and down to the nearest 10 in the last homework.

Her letter goes on to say that she has made a wonderful new family and home for them and that I am now surplus to requirements, especially as there is a new miracle love child on the way (I'm paraphrasing)

At the end she is supposed to say something like "therefore I ask the honourable court to grant me the following requests......"

She wrote (verbatim) "I will only agree to the following contact arrangements"....

This is where the crazy bitch loses the plot altogether.

1) I can have them from Friday after school to 4pm Sunday

2) I can see them for two days at Easter (not half of the two week holiday)

3) No mention of half term holidays at all so we can assume no contact.

4) If it is her weekend when it's father's day, she will allow me to see them for 4 hours but I hand them back at 4pm.

4) If it's my weekend when it's mother's day I return them at 12pm (but of course she doesn't have to hand them back to me at 4pm like I do)

5) During the 6 week summer break I am allowed them for one week at the beginning and one week at the end whilst she has the 4 weeks in the middle. Not only does she get 4 weeks and I get 2, but I don't get a two week block so can't take them abroad whilst she gets the lovely 4 week chunk in the middle.

6) Christmas. In this country the court is keen to ensure that whoever gets the coveted Christmas day slot one year gets the New Year slot the following year and vice versa. I voluntered to let her have Christmas Eve and Day this year while I get Boxing day and the 27th. I also get New Year's Eve and day. Also, I don't get half the holiday.

In her letter she states that this will be situation FOREVER. NO alternate. What does this tell me...and you?!!!She wants to play happy families at Christmas and then go partying at New Year whilst good old dumped husband does the babysitting. Maybe I should offer to look after her bastard child, too?

I still struggle with incredulity at the audacity of simply thinking she can remove me from her life and that of our children becuase, in her mind she has found them a new father.

By removing from their lives (with the added bonus for her of me not being in her life), she can live out her life without constant reminders of her behaviour.

More concerningly, if she was successful in getting her wish, it would put her in a good position to justify to the court her moving the children out of the area and away from me completely.

My solicitor thinks that CSTBXWW has done herself no favours. Whilst I agree, it bloody hurts that she can treat the children with so little consideration and remove me so completelty from their lives.

[This message edited by allatsea at 6:54 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

aas, urgh. The saddest thing of all about the level of her vindictiveness towards you is that it's not a surprise. She twists the knife in your back any chance she can get and smiles at you while she does it. You didn't just roll over and disappear and she wants to punish you for it - that's why you must stay strong and continue the course you are on. Keep taking her on legally.

I hope your solicitor is right and she has shot herself in the foot by being so demanding and inflexible in her contract.

I hope that her entitled behaviour demanding absolutes about the Christmas schedule, with her (of course) getting every Christmas Day from here on out, (who else asks for that?) along with this statement;

"I will only agree to the following contact arrangements"

are enough to actually irritate the judge into coming down hard on her. When does this go before the judge? Is it at the December hearing?

Sins,

This hearing isn't until February :(

I may be speaking out of anger, cuz her shit really is infuriating, but purhaps it is time to let slip the dogs of war.

You've been playing nice. And that admirable, but playing nice really isn't going to help against such an entitles, clueless, harpie.

I'm not saying sabotage your position with the upcoming hearing. But why do you have to sit back and take scraps while you wait? You need 50/50 time with your kids. NOW!!!!

Start expecting it.

Start demanding it.

Everytime she makes some cock and bull split arrangement, shoot back with a fair, accomodating 50/50 alternative and say it outright that you will have them for this fair, accomodating 50/50 time. If she doesn't agree to it, F*&K her. Keep your kids for a fair 50% of the time. She can't dictate terms to you, and she'll get owned by the judge once they see this drivel.

ARGH!!! ANGRY for you man. ANGRY!!!!

[This message edited by Twitchy at 9:41 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

"I will only agree to the following contact arrangements"

allatsea, I too agree that the judge will look at this as a slap in the face. The judge makes the decisions, not her!!!

Praying for a pissed off judge and a wake up call that she CAN'T make these kind of demands.

I have stolen this post directly from the keyboard of Ravenwood. I hope he doesn't mind. I couldn't write it better.

My divorce should be wrapped up in about a month. Outside of dealing with the kids and finances, we haven't spoken or seen each other. All for the better I suppose; less drama to deal with. Yet at the same time trapping me in the silence of my own thoughts.

I'm a human being, I have feelings, I feel pain. I loved her with all of my heart. I treated her like a queen, and I was satisfied beyond reason.

But now I tell everyone that I don't love her anymore - that I wouldn't take her back even if she begged for it. Not after the hell she has put me through. But, honestly, I don't even believe my own words. There is a part of my heart that is missing.

How the hell did you do this to me? How did you walk away from me? How did you turn your back on me? How did you leave me curdled up on the floor sobbing?

With my impending divorce, I can't help but feel the gravity, the finality of it all.

This has been the lowest point in my life and I don't want you back. And yet, you were also the most important person in my life and I don't want you to leave.

Thank you Ravenwood

[This message edited by allatsea at 10:00 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

Twitchy,

Thank you for being angry on my behalf. My anger is expressed as anxiety.

As much as I would dearly love to demand 50% the court has already made an interim order until February which keeps the existing (not mutually agreed!) arrangement in place.

Even when I've dared to keep them beyond the times she has unilaterally dictated, she then withdraws contact and demands I sign an undertaking before she will let me see them again. I just have to wait

(((AAS))))

She is outright certifiable. I'd love to see any judges expression when they read her demands. That will certainly make any judge angry, especially given that you are the good guy here.

She is definitely a narcisstic self serving nutbag, who lives in a world of delusions, rainbow farting unicorns, and miracle love children. Oh where is the Karma bus. We soooo need her for you...

((((and strength)))

Damn AAS, & Ravenwood)

Made me tear up there with your post.

But I agree......no matter what has happened, how the f*ck does someone seem to totally turn off.....empathy, love, remorse, compassion & basically every other emotion you can think of.....to someone that they shared absolutely every aspect of life together? Even so far as creating life together?

How the hell do they really do this? What goes on in their minds when they saw you destroyed by their actions, when they send you that smile at the Christmas program? Do they ever think of us when alone or driving with any type of kind or loving memories?

Yes, we let time do it's thing & we move on. But that love is still buried deep in our hearts & never completely goes away. And it may lie right beside the buried hatred as well, but there it rests, dormant & always wondering those things.

We learn to truly love again & move on with life but no matter what, those questions remain. How does the person that you gave everything to just throw you away without even trying to help you understand or explain? It is absolutely uncomprehensible. But sadly, we can only continue to move on & try to learn to accept it all.

But it is so frigging unfair & just plain sucks!!!

So sorry she is still putting you through this crap. Hang in there. She just keeps digging the hole for herself deeper & deeper.

I can only echo the others' reactions, AAS. That she is dictating, mandating, decreeing and declaring with such incredibly arrogant attitude is stupifying. Hard to believe any judge would be anything but offended at such presumptuousness. Are you sure she is being represented? It seems that any halfway wise solicitor would tear that shit up at least to maintain his own reputation.

AllAtSea: I've been catching up on your thread over the past week and I gotta say (a.) I'm sorry your STBXW has mutated into this stranger. It is always hardest to watch the ones you love "die" (b.) Your strength and courage to keep pushing through despite her craziness admirable. You are living proof that we can survive horrible situations and come out better because of it. You have all of our support and I will be staying tuned.

AllatSea,

Although I am truly sorry about your situation, I believe you should be doing more to get equal time with your children.

Stop relying upon the hope that a judge will disagree with your crazy witch ex. He chastised her in your first court appearance, you felt vindicated by his anger, however she got the kids for the schedule she established for the two of you, and until the next. Meanwhile you take the high road, she gets her way.

If you appear in court with the same schedule this February, it is most likely the current schedule will not be changed going forward. Her demand for more time is her way of pushing for more time, so that the judge will compromise with the status quo - not 50/50.

Contact your lawyer, and get him working on your schedule of 50/50 to take effect asap. Have your lawyer seek a change to the current child status as you have already had set-backs. Xmas is here, and effort on your part will show you do not accept the current terms.

I hope this helps.

allatsea,

I agonize with you. What your WW is doing, and putting you through is absolutely cruel and mind boggling. How many hours she must sit and scheme in her mind.

As expensive as it is to work through your solicitor, I agree with albak:

He chastised her in your first court appearance, you felt vindicated by his anger, however she got the kids for the schedule she established for the two of you, and until the next. Meanwhile you take the high road, she gets her way.

If you appear in court with the same schedule this February, it is most likely the current schedule will not be changed going forward. Her demand for more time is her way of pushing for more time, so that the judge will compromise with the status quo - not 50/50.

Contact your lawyer, and get him working on your schedule of 50/50 to take effect asap. Have your lawyer seek a change to the current child status as you have already had set-backs. Xmas is here, and effort on your part will show you do not accept the current terms.

You need to put up a fuss about not having your children enough, not even 50/50 between now and February, or the judge will go with the status quo.

Being a female, I don't hug guys, but I want to make an exception in your case (((((allatsea)))))

Alback and Hurt,

Thank you for your posts. Whilst I obviously share your frustration, the judge has ruled and an interim order is in force. I'm not going to breach it.

I can and will express frustration to child services when they visit and I'll probably write another letter to her solicitor nearer the time but there isn't much else I can do right now.

I have the court hearing on Friday 6th to decide who pays the divorce costs and I've cited all the reasons why adultery and lying should result in her footing the bill. I'm hoping that the judge will rule in my favour.

[This message edited by allatsea at 3:06 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]

My heart breaks for you. I am so so sorry you're going through this. I hope your kids are with you soon :(

AllatSea,

I wasn't suggesting you break the current order by the judge. I was suggesting you appeal the current order through your lawyer.

An appeal by yourself that not only is the shared time with the kids is way less than 50/50 but your witch has told you not to attend events during her time, yet she is free to do so during your time with the kids.

An appeal by your lawyer is not out of the question. It puts it on paper that you want a fair share, not the dictated time by your ex.

At least discuss this with your attorney if they believe there is merit.

Good luck, and stay strong.

Whilst I'm quietly optimistic about Friday's hearing and seeing her squirm whilst the judge reads out her adulterous behaviour when determining who should pay costs, I am really not looking forward to being in the presence of my CSTBXWW. She sets me back and emotions fly all over the place.

I imagine that Gru will also be there trying to be the supportive and wonderful new lover.

Even if I win, ultimately I've lost everything.

My children have to be collected from school on the day in question by supportive school mum whilst I'm in court. She's definitely on 'Team AAS' and whatever happens I will come home to spend a lovely weekend with my children putting up the tree and having fun whereas CSTBXWW will return to an empty house on the 6th either feeling smug or wronged. It will not be a time for any inner reflection by CSTBXWW and she will blame me no matter what.

I know it's likely of little comfort, but please know that there are women out there that aren't like her, and would have given anything to have such a kind, dedicated spouse.

Life is so incredibly unfair. Someday your children will see her for who she is, and be horrified..and she will pay the price.