SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

They've always labelled me as some man eater and I think there is an element of proving them right.

I know with some it's difficult and I don't blame them, it's annoying but not their fault.

Others have just as much of their own issues but have taken it upon themselves to judge me, constantly.

What bugs me the most is the sexy comments I had before and are worse ow because they're followed by 'I didn't meant 'that'" or 'forgot about that'. Someone said yesterday how my daughter looks like me then someone else piped up "and the milkman... Sorry, it was a joke" honestly it's just constant, I could fill up a thread of sexy comments directed my way, drives me mad. My husband used to laugh along but thankfully he doesn't now. He actually tells them to shut up but old habits die hard with them.

No one can shame you, unless you allow yourself to be shamed.

No one can disrespect you, unless you allow yourself to be disrespected.

It will stop when you lay down boundaries.

One suggestion would be excluding toxic people from your circle of friends. You can try telling them to stop, but if they fail, cut them out.

Why do you surround yourself with people who make fun of you?

How is that going to heal you? Unless you stick your head in the sand.

I am glad to hear Idiot85 is not hopping on the bandwagon anymore. But that's the only positive.

Sienna,

Why has this did respect been allowed to happen even prior to what you did? This shows a huge lack of respect and inability to have proper boundaries around your M. This was something that should have been dealt with a long time ago. I'm sorry you have been treated this way.

Partly because they know I was a party girl before my H and I got together and partly because it's just stuck I guess. At school I wasn't a bad girl but I got the blame when friends strayed.

It's sort of just the way it's always been. My H has had my back a lot recently and pulled down that stupid poll they did in another gallery.

In being upset with them I've sort of proved them right in a way. If I could only go back in time.

Some making fun I don't mind, I'm the same but I just think some lines shouldn't be crossed.

Sometimes, you grow up and leave behind your childish friends and that is okay.

If they can't speak to you respectfully... Respectfully, tell them to get out of your house.

If you and your BH set up a united front and state to your friends... This is how Sienna and I would like to be treated. They will either hop on board or they will fall out. Either way, you both will know who respects the both of you and who doesn't.

Friends respect what friends ask of them in regards to politeness in their home. If you have friends that can't/won't after being told flat out "Do Not do x,y, z." Then they need the boot.

Good luck.

I was going to say: Hold your head up and say, "Yeah, I used to be a man eater until I almost killed my marriage by choking on my choices. Now the only man that I'm interested in eating is my husband." But, that probably isn't appropriate.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 12:59 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

It's interesting to me that I just came across this post because I was just thinking about this earlier today....I brought my dd to the memorial day parade in our town....my BH is an EMT for the town and a few of his coworkers know the reason we are separated right now...because of my infedelity. They all smiled and waved at our dd but I couldn't help but wonder what they were thinking about me....it is the same with many of our shared friends...although some of them are polite to my face I am sure they have horrible opinions of me right now....which I deserve.

We live in a small town. It's been 6.5 years since D-Day. Gossip fades. New Gossip happens. Someone else becomes the slut of the week.

I don't get stared at, whispered about or the evil eye anymore. Time, different friends, different behavior.

I changed into someone that I am proud to be. If there are still people that Gossip about me, I don't know about it. If I did, it would probably make me laugh at this point. I've come to far to sweat the petty people.

The people that we are friends with and the family that we love; they all know exactly who I was and exactly who I am now.

As you heal, as you become who you want to be, you define yourself and no one else.

All you can control is you. Part of that is taking responsibility for who and what you tolerate.

Time ladies... and while you are waiting, just believe in yourself and find the strength to persevere.

In high school folks thought I was easy and would spread rumors or make bad jokes. I was a virgin until 2 months before graduation and yet these rumors happened for years. I was flirtatious but I did not have sex with anyone. I grew up and the flirting slowed down a lot. I didn't want people to think I was easy. Your friends need to learn to grow up. Consistently making vulgar jokes that way is ridiculous. I'm not sure why they thought it was okay to say shit like that before your A, it seems insulting either way. Set your boundaries or get rid of the toxic.

When I was younger I behaved in the way I did in January- when I was younger I felt good at the time and terrible afterwards. I was always chasing a new high. Never particularly flirtatious I stayed with my girls then see a guy, drag him off somewhere, have sex then disappear back to my girls. I was drunk and high and chasing something more. During the day I worked hard in college, I was quiet and took painkillers to get softer feelings. If I didn't I'd think about what I'd done the night before.

My husband honestly saved me from that so when it seemed like he thought I was worthless I decided to start taking drugs again, that then led to ONSs.

I think what kills is that I know I deserve the labels but it's not who I want to be, I wasn't that girl for 8 years but still had the labels. When they came from my H it was just awful, i didn't realise the cycle we were in. He doesn't get drunk, doesn't touch drugs and always seemed happy and bubbly, I was sad and high and it dragged him down, then I flipped. His friends love him and think I'm a headfuck and most definitely easy. What's worse is, I know they're right.

So change.

I'd been a wife and mother for 8 years and it didn't make a difference.

Last year people from the gallery down the road did a poll for who they masturbate over! Totally disgusting and fuelled many many jokes, my H only took it down a few weeks ago, he'd previously laughed about it.

It just makes me feel like even if I change, the labels just stick around.

I want to change, I have changed, again. I've started opening up to my husband which means he now has my back and knows what upsets me.

I always feel like I have to put the breaks on, if I don't I'll freewheel out of control but sometimes I get scared I'll get tired of holding the breaks. I hope that makes sense, I'm not great with words.

Sienna,

It seems like a lot of your time with BH is spent with friends. Do the two of you spend a good amount of time together, just the two of you, not in a party atmosphere/with your circle of friends? This is important for rebuilding intimacy between the two of you and focusing on life as a healthy couple.

I don't think we do spend enough time together, not proper time.

It's always with the kids, friends, family or bedtime.

I think he worries it will turn into an upsetting conversation. If he had a magic wand he'd wish to just forget everything. He hates drama or anything too deep. I've overheard him say he'd hate to be in my head.

I think he's reached a point where he knows I don't have anything new to say but he wouldn't be able to resist asking so he spends time with me where it doesn't come up.

That was the feeling I got when I read you and your BH's posts. Lots of shits and giggles but nothing too deep.

You might want to spend some time with him figuring out how to rebuild the strong foundation for your M. Rugsweeping never works.

How would I do that? If I suggest sitting down and talking he'd say he doesn't want to get upset and probably give me a kiss and cuddle then move on to something else.

If I suggest sitting down for a meal together without the kids he'd laugh and joke, make it his mission to cheer me up then it would turn into something more romantic.

If he's happy he turns it into a joke, if he's sad he accuses me of trying to bring him down.

This is a problem I am facing although mine has a bit of a different twist. If I want to talk about us and not rugsweep I get anger, If I'm melancholy I get ignored or told to snap out of it and if I stand my ground and state the necessity of us needing to actually talk about our problems...well those fights have been ugly.

I have no advice on how to get those conversations to begin but I know if you act like the problems don't exist they build and fester into something ugly in both of you. Even when SO and I have laid down and cuddled watching a silly movie, or gone out with friends for dinner, or gone out just him and me and laughed and joke there was an obvious tension under it all, an unspoken wound that was hurting us both.

Both of you need to do work here. You on yourself and he on himself. Part of the work must be to identify the toxic and get rid of it. Some of that work is to not run away from what you are dealing with and face it head on. As it has been said here, you can't heal what you won't feel.

Over the bank holiday he was so happy and cheery, we even had a bouncy castle. Then yesterday we went to Wembley, this was a massive deal to him.

It all makes me think, when's a good time to try and talk and I don't know what to say. I love him and want him forever but what else? Do you know what I mean? I'm not sure what I could say/do other than be with him and support him but, I do that already.

He laughs and jokes but underneath he's so hurt. This morning he was staring out the window looking so sad then when he saw I was there he smiled and started saying something funny. He's brilliant and impossible all in one.

Sienna I'm going to be blunt here. Yo're doing two things that are bothering me.

1. You're taking the original point of your post and turning it away from you and the fact that you need to learn to instill boundaries and stand up for yourself. Stop allowing the opinions of others to wash over you and if what they say is insulting then call them on it.

2. You say he is hurting but not dealing with it and then because he smiled at you, you say how wonderful he is. He is a BS and the fact that he is willing to love and stay with you is amazing. Love him, be appreciative, love the smiles and hugs he gives you but do not allow rugsweeping on either side. By saying it's such a nice day I don't want to ruin it you're allowing yourself to not face your issues. If it something needs to be aired or spoken about set aside a time that you will do this and stick to it. There's been plenty of "nice" days that have gone south because we talked about something that was necessary. A few days later we have another nice day and now part of the problem has been spoken about and hopefully resolved. Healing this is not just about having nice days.

Thank you Unagie, I know I need to toughen up. I completely understand rugsweeping doesn't help anyone. It's just difficult to summon the strength to take a conversation 'there' but I know it's necessary, I do.

Hi Sienna,

I totally know how hard it is to summon up the courage to initiate a conversation with your BH. I have found so many times it can take days before you get that chance and then you don't want to ruin a moment when you have special time together..

My suggestion that I feel has worked when you have a busy agenda is to ask for the conversation even if it's a day or 2 in advance. State a time of day that would work for you two and then tell him it's going to give you both enough time to think about what you need to say. Then STICK TO IT. I couldn't believe how well that works and we accomplished so much that way. It found it was better than springing it on him and then I would get tongue tied and he would feel flustered as he wasn't ready.

Give it a whirl if you find it's hard to find the time to talk to each other about these serious topics during R.