SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would want to say thank you to the person who posted this topic. It saved my life. When i found out about ny husbands prostitute/multiple women encounters i was distraught. Other forums i had visited were mainly dealing with one or two affair kind of infidelity and i felt out of place and confused.

My first visit to SI, i had seen this thread and it was like...finally, people who understnad what i am going through.

Its been a crazy sad rollercoster. we were separated 6 weeks, now doing in house separation, but i still do not want to be with him, i feel so depressed and disgusted with him.

I also do not understand how they get to sleep fine, eat fine and act normal. I am up till 2 am crying while my WH is watching TV and laughing out loud or playing computer games.

I actually wondered that too. It took me 2 months to even get back to something that resembled normal. I still don't think I can ever be normal me again.

I have 2 theories as to they they seem to bounce back. 1. They're putting on a very convincing mask to look like their fine. Inside, they hate themselves so much. I often hope this is the case.

2. It was just sex. Therefore it wasn't as bad. That's what a good chunk say. That it was nothing different than masterbation.

I'm glad we helped save your life and a wonderful person like you is still around

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is it possible to believe that there was no actual intercourse?

I posted in the JFO thread, but most of the replies were from those whose WS had LTA's or CW affairs, etc.

I'm wondering what to do with the info I have...story hasn't changed in these last two weeks, but then again it's been only 2 weeks...

short story-found multiple texts to "massage" services found on CL and a few replies to CL ads; "I can help you out with that", "I'm interested in helping you out" etc. never found pics being sent, never found conversations, found some hook up sites with profiles, but no conversations/pics or anything like that. the texts I found were inconsistent, some asked for room #'s, some didn't. there was one day that had 5 different texts and he said it was bc he didn't go to them all, he was just trying to find one or something like that...apparently been going on intermittently since 2011. didn't find anything after Jan 2015. says he stopped bc he realized how f'd up it was and he didn't want it...he's always been happy, blah.

DDay-claims he only got 2 HJ's from all this. never met CL ad people-it was just talking shit-NEVER had intercourse with anyone.

two days later-admitted to BJ once in 2014. still says NEVER had intercourse.

STD tested-waiting results, trying to R bc I love him. we have 3 kids and I'm pregnant. first MC session yesterday-it was awkward. I really want to ask the therapist if he believes him, but I know I can't...

anyway-back to my original question...do you think it's possible?

Brokeninside -

No it is not possible, I believe he is lying to you...

Mine told me one, then I got phone records,then he said - Two,then phone records showed contact with eight, he claimed with the two he would admit to he could not perform in either situation. Apparently this comes directly from the cheaters hand book, they only reveal what you can prove and without a webcam in the room at the time, they know you cannot 100% prove it.

It seems to be a lifestyle for men who choose this path, I was also told he had never been to a prostitute prior to this , however have since learned he has been seeking them for at a minimum 10 years.

I am very sorry, however I think he is a big fat liar.

I'm sorry BrokenInside, you don't go to a happy ending parlour without looking for some action. The room numbers are indication enough. It barely even stops at just a hand job, just a blow job. Even then, those two acts are devastating on itself.

You guys should both be in IC rather than MC. A few sessions of IC first then you guys can work on MC. MC is useless without a truthful and remorseful WS. Consider scheduling a polygraph.

I'm sorry you have made your way here. Hugs to you

No - sorry Broken, I don't think it is possible.

If you read around, you will find that 99.9% of BS here have firstly been told something along the lines of

a) It was horrible - I couldn't get it up

b) I was so drunk, I couldn't get it up

c) I started, but couldn't finish because I felt so guilty

d) I was just looking for 'titillation / masturbation' purposes - I never meant to go through with it.

e) It was just a happy ending H/J

f) It was 'only' a B/J

..... on SI, there is the 'Cheaters Handbook',

Please know that there is also the 'Creepers Handbook'

.... they hardly ever vary.

Did you read through the beginning of this post?

Sending you strength and empathy - it's a mind-f*ck to get through (if you ever do).

is it possible to believe that there was no actual intercourse?

I'm sorry---but no. When it gets to random CL hookups, it really is just for sex purposes. Almost all of our WSs, who claimed no intercourse (as though blowjobs and handjobs--and the very act of shopping for sex partners in sordid places is somehow marriage-protective), did in fact have intercourse. No, not "almost all." All. This is one of the most frequent lies heard on SI. Sometimes, when there is an EA that segues into PA, it is true. But when you have the variety of WS who seeks high-risk sex with high-risk partners---a thrill seeker, addictive sort---then no, they're not limiting their behaviors to exclude intercourse.

I'm really sorry. I know how hard it is to wrap your brain around any of this. But you can't make sense from nonsense.

Itiswell2015, I know exactly what you mean. Yesterday was three years since my WBF (now husband) had an appointment with an escort (we had been dating about 3 months at the time). An appointment he claims he never kept (I do not believe this but I have no proof). I discovered the email exchange in February, 2014 and have been slowly realizing that I will likely never know the truth. He has attempted to explain the "why" but I still vacillate on whether I believe it or not. I have kept vigilant. I don't believe there have been any other encounters but I still have doubts. Each day it gets better but I still question,

The worst part is a day like yesterday when I'm painfully aware of the fact that it's likely the anniversary of the day he cheated on me and I can't sleep all night. But he's right next to me snoring like a baby, probably doesn't even know what day it is. I really hate that.

thank you ladies...I think, logically, I know you all are right but I sometimes so badly want to believe that I need the reminder.

Mad-I did read through the first post, I was very overwhelmed, scared and oddly comforted by it. so many of the same emotions, information and thoughts that I've had or read about.

I honestly cannot believe this is my life right now. I, literally, thought I knew this man. we were that couple, you know, the one everyone commented on our "obvious connection/love". now I want to vomit when I think of what a lie that is. he is very apologetic, says it's nothing to do with me, he was/is happy in our marriage and life. he begs me not to leave and he will do anything to make us work. he believes we are that couple. alrhough he adamantly maintains the no intercourse line...he's just "fucked up and does stupid shit" which is true. he's very self-destructive...like he doesn't believe he deserves good things. I know this stems from. lot of childhood family stuff. he has his first IC on Weds.

Lord, I just want him to be real and honest during these sessions. I want this to work, I want my marriage and my family. I'm just not sure I can have it all again and trust that it's real...

sorry for the rant. I haven't told anyone IRL, so SI is my confidant right now.

Hello,

I've read this entire thread & I'm so glad that I did. I've also posted my story in its own thread & in my profile.

Wow, I can't believe how many other people are experiencing the same or similar to what I am, I thought I was the only one & it was suffocating because sometimes thinking about what happened makes it feel like I can't breathe.

Is it "normal" to start to think about what happened, then your mind shuts down & you freeze because you can't wrap your mind around the pain any longer?

Sometimes I stare off into space, my mind racing around in every direction, trying to find something, anything to grasp onto, like a life preserver.

I'm exhausted because I can't sleep, which sucks because normally I love my sleep.

Food has lost all flavors, even my favorite foods are not appealing.

Nothing comforts me.

Please, someone, tell me that it gets better, that there is light, that I won't be in a place of darkness forever.

[This message edited by Phenix70 at 8:41 AM, November 28th (Saturday)]

Phenix, I just wanted to let you know that I am eleven months out from starting this nightmare and can honestly say that I am seeing the light and that am not in that desperate place where nothing matters,or the occasional suicidal thoughts when you feel so worthless.

I just wanted to give you a bit of positivity, that it can get better, if your other half truly understands that he has caused a massive trauma and 'gets it'

I really feel that getting to the root cause of the issue has been necessary for me to heal and recover but it has taken time and so many tears.The hurt is now fading a bit and it all somehow seems so surreal as he has become a completely different husband, caring, honest, transparent, thankful and I know that I am his number one priority.He feels so lucky that he has been given this opportunity to become the man that he has always wanted to be and to go foward as a loyal, loving husband.

Stay strong, cry a lot, communicate all your feelings and you will get there. I never thought that I would get my confidence back and feel like the real me but I am now starting to feel it.

Just remember that his actions had absolutely nothing to do with you.x

LongtobeCareFree,

Thank you so much for your kinds words, I do appreciate it.

My H has not spoken to me since DDay last Monday, he won't returns texts or emails either.

As he said on the phone, he's divorcing me & I've accepted that.

For me it's the "why" & it's been very hard not being able to ask & even get TT from him regarding what he did.

It's been hard thinking over & over again, was it something that I did or didn't do that lead him to search for anonymous sex?

Ugh, so frustrating not having answers.

Hi Phenix, I meant to reply earlier but never got the chance. What reactions you have, the freezing up, latching onto anything to distract you, not eating or sleeping, that's all totally normal to go through after this shock.

You are not alone. I thought I was too when I first came here and saw so many people with only one AP and here's me "I found at least 10!".

It takes time before your mind stops freezing up and going in a frenzy. Mine still does that every now and then though it's not as bad at least.

It took me awhile before I could enjoy food again. It's saying a lot when I couldn't enjoy my food since I'm usually the first one snacking. I even went to my favourite restaurant 4 days after DDay. Nothing tasted good at all. I mind as well have had a bowl of water. It took a few weeks but eventually all the flavours returned and now I can enjoy food again.

Honestly, the thing that comforted me throughout this time was this site. Seeing and helping people going through the same stuff as me. I also took comfort in my friends. I admit, I'm very lucky I had such good friends.

As for the why, there could be a lot of reasons. I promise you it's nothing you did. A WS looks for gratification of some variety when they do this stuff. For some, it's sex, for others it's the ego stroking. In the end, the reason that fits all is they're broken people.

BallofPain,

Thank you for the kind words, it does help a lot.

Yesterday was terrible.

I still can't sleep or eat, I break into tears when someone asks how I'm doing.

I was a raw ball of nerves & today I feel numb, with a few tingles of pain on the edges.

Food is still not an option, I can barely drink water or coffee.

The not know why is wants killing me.

Since he refuses to talk, text or only emails about the divorce specifics, I'm left to hurt even more.

Who does that to a person?

That's so cruel!

It really is cruelty at it's peak. The fact that he cheated itself if cruel.

Eating, I had to rely on smoothies and yogurt first. It was the only way to keep me from getting terribly sick. I would say cut back on coffee unless it's all you can drink. Caffeine made my anxiety so much worse.

I broke into tears when my managers pulled me aside to ask how I was doing and to tell me they were concerned. I turned into an incoherent mess for 15 minutes. So, don't feel bad about crying when someone asks how you're doing.

What helps about the why is that it's usually the same for each variety of cheating. It's about the ego. Sometimes, we find out before they do.

This is a very helpful thread, I wonder if it could be moved in its entirety to a more prominent place, or whether it could have a 'sticky' at the top of JFO?

I am 16 months out.

Still repulsed by this particular part of WH's infidelities.

Sometimes are better than others.

Still in the marital home together.

Working on lining up ducks

Detaching

Conscious uncoupling

Wedding anniversary today - just yuk!

It's annoying honestly. My WS got to enjoy himself with various women,and the women got to run joy his money and gifts. I end up with positive pap smear and a broken heart. Honestly seems pointless risking my health and happiness for something that mayo even happen again.

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