SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for this thread - well, for all of the threads! Tomorrow marks 2 weeks since D-Day and I am a seesaw of emotions. There is excellent advice here and I am so grateful.

I wish I had found this thread sooner! I am so relieved that I have found more people who have been through what I've been through. There was always something I've wondered is that he was never felt any emotional connection to these encounters. I'm so confused, does that make things...better? It seemed to in his mind. Not much better.

It's nice (but also sucks!) to know I'm not alone. My WH has been chatting on online poker sites for at least 2 years. He always claimed it was innocent, just "friends" he met on there. When I first found out the texting was more than just "friendly", he was chatting with at least a dozen women. He said it was just a fantasy world and was fun. Of course it was my fault because I didn't stroke his ego enough. He agreed to stay off the chat rooms and games. Yeah, that happened. He stayed involved with at least 2 of the women. He claims never physical. They are both in other states. I have talked to both of them since. I do believe these were just EAs but I'm wondering how many in the past weren't. And I know if he hadn't been caught, they would have become PA. He is still playing the games, claims he no longer has buddy lists or uses the chat function. I know he's lying. Now he is shamelessly flirting with a CoW online. She is in another country. He has no idea I have tapped into his work computer and can see his internal chats and email. When I think back over the years, I question everything now. The "innocent" websites he viewed, the business trips, I feel like such a fool. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. Until he stops lying, we cannot even attempt R. I have seen an IC and she feels he is a SA based on every thing I told her. I actually suggested that to him and he got irate. The fact that he refuses to take a poly also tells me he's guilty as hell. I'm pretty sure if I push the issue, he would walk away from the marriage rather than be exposed. I'm such a loser that I just sit here and put up with it.

JunebugAlley, BallofPain, TiredDM - I'm sorry you're all here. I'm new to this as well. I have no advice. Just wanted to let you know you've been heard and what you're feeling, I'm feeling.

I also feel like a complete idiot. I've never thought of myself as a gullible or naive person, but I guess I am. Or maybe they're just that good of liars. Neither makes me feel better.

Unrelated - Last night, I woke from another nightmare. As I was trying unsuccessfully to fall back asleep, I kept thinking how nice it would be to have a Meredith Grey to my Christina Yang. My person. I haven't told anyone not a single soul. I have never felt so alone. I always had WH. And now I don't, nor do I want him. SI does make me feel less alone. I just want so badly to not feel this way anymore.

There has been so much I've been confused lately. His encounters were all men. I asked him if that means he's bisexual. His answer "No, I don't feel any romantic connection with males" Um...what?

I mean, at least I have something to call it. But I really can't wrap my head around sex/cheating being treated as a hobby. And suddenly now, I feel like I was treated like a pastime that got boring.

What is this fantasy that's so good that you would consider shattering your moral compass?

Off topic but YES! Someone who likes Grey's Anatomy! And GreatPretender, you will eventually not feel like this. It seems like it takes forever. I would give a lot to make these gollymopes go away. This is going to be weird, but what helped me a lot was Callie Torres.

GreatPretender - thank you for the response. Sometimes I get so lonely. Just an acknowledgement on here helps. Sometimes I think I'm overreacting since his encounters are anonymous. But I know that they can become personal (and have) or physical (which I don't think they have). I still don't think WH really understands that he's doing something wrong. He said at one point, the last thing he wants to do is hurt me. So that's why he's so secretive, so I won't get hurt! And he says he doesn't tell the truth when I ask because the truth will hurt me! So STOP CHEATING AND I WON'T GET HURT!!! Deep down, I know I should leave him but I'm just not there yet. He's been my best friend for so long, we built a house and life together, we own a business together, I'm just not ready to give that all up.

I'm glad this section is here. My D-day #2 was July 3, then "the rest of the story" - which included men, on Labor Day weekend. I was more surprised that he had lied to me than that there were men. Still processing but trying to R.

You too Shatteredheart? All of mine were men. Looking back now, all of it is traumatizing.

You too Shatteredheart? All of mine were men. Looking back now, all of it is traumatizing.

It wasn't all men in my husband's case, but there were some. I knew that he had been with men before we were married, I had been with women, we knew that about each other.

I was really angry b/c I had asked him in July when I found out if there had been men and he said no. I was honestly a bit surprised when he said that. Of course, that was before I found out about how TT works, so it makes sense in that it follows the typical pattern. I sat him down "the rest of the story" weekend and said, let me have it all b/c if I find out anything different than what he told me that weekend, we were DONE. He's seen me unleash my wrath on liars, so I THINK I have the whole story now.

TiredDM, you are NOT overreacting. Because if you were, then that would mean I am too and I refuse to allow that to be true.

I hear you about not wanting to give it up your life and everything you've built, but at the same time questioning how you can live with what he's done. I flip flop what feels like a million times a day.

Sometimes I feel sorry for him because of his addiction. I still struggle with where the responsibility lies. Everyone says that having sex with whores & searching for women online, etc. were choices he made. But he's addicted so he really couldn't help it. So which is it?!

I am so pissed about what he has done. How I had zero choice to be involved in this disgusting life. But I feel trapped. I know I have options, I know that. But sometimes it feels like I'm trapped and there is no way out. He wins. He got to have the life he wanted and he gets to have the future life he wants. And what do I get? A life with a cheating husband whose mere presence I cannot stand. Yay me.

[This message edited by GreatPretender at 11:46 PM, October 11th (Sunday)]

GreatPretender, if he had an addiction, what's to stop him from getting help to stop that addiction? That is his choice.

BOP, I suppose I should have clarified - it's been hard to give him kudos for anything these days. He is getting help and working with a CSAT. He is putting in effort. I guess I just feel it's not enough. I suspect my expectations are too high, like if he somehow puts in more work, my pain will lessen. I know intellectually that's not true, but emotionally I wish it to be true.

Where are you in the process, BallofPain?

Junebug Alley & ShattererdHeart - how are you holding up?

I don't think your expectations are too high. He did something really low. He put your life at risk. He put your mind through the wringer. Someone into anonymous encounters, we lose a lot of the truth.

Where I am in the process, if it's busy at work, I don't think about it. It's a huge relief since I froze up during an emergency at the beginning of the process.

I've regained my weight, food appeals to me again. I'm cracking jokes again, making my coworkers laugh.

My coworkers have finally stopped looking at me in concern but I am still not fully myself as I still isolate myself from them. It still brings tears to my eyes that's what state I'm in.

My IC says that I look less tormented and somewhat happier.

I am still very confused when thinking about this all. The pieces are starting to come together. I see the big picture. I do still have some disdain for him. It used to be intense disgust. Now, I think I feel so exhausted from feeling it most of the time that I've given up on feeling it

[This message edited by BallofPain at 12:01 AM, October 13th (Tuesday)]

BOP, are you guys separated or completely broken up? Do you think breaking up with him has had a positive (or negative) impact on your healing? Is there interest in reconciliation on either side? Do you see each other?

Sometimes I think it would be "easier" if I didn't have to see him everyday. Taking my kids out of the equation, of course. Because the difficulty they would have with him not being here wouldn't make anything easier.

I wonder if I'll ever feel like me again. There are lots of things I need/want to do, but I just can't summon the effort to do them. I miss me. I miss laughing. Truly laughing. I miss feeling something other than pain & sadness. I miss being real. All I seem to do these days is pretend. Pretend everything is fine, except when I'm by myself or with him, then nothing is fine. I miss my sleep. I miss random, stupid thoughts popping into my head. There isn't any room for those anymore. I miss being kind. I miss being positive. I miss having hopes & dreams. I miss caring about what's going on in other people's lives, rather than being consumed by my own. I miss looking at "in love" couples and smiling. Now I just roll my eyes & think you poor suckers, you don't know what you're in for. I miss being comfortable in his presence. I miss having nice memories when I look at my wedding ring or old photos. Everything is so tainted now. I miss being able to look at dates on a calendar without thinking he did x when. I miss feeling like someone is in my corner no matter what. I miss feeling like I am enough. I miss feeling like I'm not alone. I miss being able to drive anywhere and not have thoughts about this place or that place. I miss being able to love fully. I miss trust. I miss feeling safe. I miss enjoyment. I miss fun. I miss feeling like I matter.

I miss so many things. It's hard to imagine ever coming out on the other side of this.

Thanks for listening.

I felt like you a month ago. It's been 2 months out for me and I still notice that I'm not me. I used to laugh so hard, I would not be able to breath. Now, I'm just barely starting to laugh. I still can't look at happy couples. I get jealous and sad thinking "I am a wonderful caring person. What did I do to not deserve that?"

To tell you the truth, I didn't think I would ever see a scrap of me again. I lost hope that I would ever be me again. Now, it's slow but bits and pieces are coming back. Part of me is still hopeless that I will ever see real me again. I feel like I'm wearing a mask of me. Eventually, after costuming as a character for so long, you start to adapt their characteristics. I feel like I'm doing that with myself. How sad is that?

To answer your questions. We were never married. So, separation never really happened. So, we are fully broken up. I wanted to reconcile but he didn't. He couldn't forgive himself for what he did, so he thought why should I? I think breaking up had a positive impact. Initially, I was very devastated. But it was one person's words here that I latched onto. "my husband tells me on and on he loves me. Don't be jealous, it feels like hell". That doesn't mean that I still wonder "what if?" I also wonder why I wasn't good enough to reconcile with.

I feel the positive impact came later. Without having him paraded in front of me, I was able to keep him out of my mind so I could focus on me. It still aggravates me when my roommate talks about him (no, - roommate- I really REALLY don't want to hear about his FB posts...I blocked him for a reason). There are times I wish I could be Alex Karev and tell him to shut up.

We do still see each other. We do still talk. We agreed to before I moved out that there would be no bitterness. We also agreed to him doing work on my car and me helping him with the care of his geriatric dog. The deal benefits me far more. I know that I can still rely on him if I need help. That and the half ownership of a vehicle can make things a little tough. We don't talk more than about what he's doing on my vehicle and when he needs dog stuff. There are days when seeing him suck. There are days when they are good. The good days, admittedly, is seeing him and realizing that he's not doing much better than me emotionally.

Keep in mind, my time line to healing is going to be different than your's. I lost my first relationship of 4.5 years. In the grand scheme of things, it's not that bad, and maybe I'm a wimp. I do have relapses. I have begun having dreams of the good times we've had together. I wake up anxious, realizing that those good times will never happen again.

Great pretender- I miss all of those exact things too. It's like I can't wrap my brain around the new "normal"!!

I read your story and mine has many similarities. But you are a great detective. I need to know how to find a secret email address because I'm sure there is more lurking beneath the surface. My husband works from home a few days per week so my detective time on his computer is limited.

Where in the hell are these massage parlors hidden? Homes, offices?

Like you, I have not told anyone either. I really wish some SI members were in my area to have a support group. I'm in Maryland-just in case.

BOP, your situation is just as painful and devastating as the rest of ours. Just because you weren't married or because it was your first relationship, doesn't make it any less significant than mine or anyone else's. Remember that! And P.S. You're not a wimp!

What you are, is a bigger person than me. You're still on speaking and helping terms with your ex. I'm not helping & barely speaking to mine. I admire that ability. I carry grudges. I feel stuck in this victim role. I know this. It's one of the things I need to work on. I'm just not sure I have it in me. For him. For our marriage.

SM, sorry you're here. And I'm even more sorry that our stories are similar. I found them on his computer and confirmed by using the Ashley Madison data dump search engines. The massage parlors here are places of business in strip malls or stand alone shops, and in private homes. I'm sure there are plenty more that I have no idea about, and truthfully, never want to know about. There is some website called Rubmaps that list local establishments. People even put reviews of their experience and rate the hookers. Someone from here told me about that site. I'm sure my SAWH has browsed that one and many more. It's as easy as a Google search, unfortunately.

There are SA-Anon groups in my city, but I can't bring myself to go. People on here speak so highly of it, but it's not really up my alley. Or perhaps I'm too ashamed. Even though being ashamed isn't my cross to bear in this case. But it's how I feel. Ashamed. Humiliated. Like a failure. I understand it's not my fault, I have some of those feelings anyway.

I must have lived in a bubble. I knew those places existed, but never to the number in which they do. And the ease of access. Shocking. I should have been more explicit in relaying my relationship expectations.

There's another thread on SI that talks about disgust and how to get over it. One person said they had the most trouble getting over how they felt they've compromised themselves by staying with a cheater. I can so relate. I was thinking today about stopping IC. I don't feel I'm really getting anything out of it. What should I be getting out of it at this stage? It's a CSAT and I've seen them 4 times. I'm a little over talking about how I feel and how hard this all is. I want to feel like I'm moving forward in some capacity.

I normally do carry grudges. However, him helping me is way more work on his end than my end. So, I benefit more and it's hard to turn that down. And you are the true victim in all this. You didn't do anything to deserve the pain you're going through. That's how I look at accepting help from him. It's him making it up to me.

I don't know if being on speaking terms is easier or not. It's easier if we run into each other or our mutual friends. But, the fact we're still in contact makes healing so much slower.

I never went to a support group. I had the friends with the right experiences. One was a betrayed. I also had a wayward friend who help give me a lot of insight and a lot of hope. However, I wish I had the courage to join a video session with the local BS group. I have the same fears joining them as I had when i first joined here.

I was clear about my relationship expectations, well, at least the no cheating clause. That didn't work at all! Look what happened.

If your IC isn't moving forward, you can stop it. You can also think about finding a new one.

[This message edited by BallofPain at 5:45 AM, October 20th (Tuesday)]

Mods, is it possible for us to open a thread like this in the I Can Relate?

I would want to say thank you to the person who posted this topic. It saved my life. When i found out about ny husbands prostitute/multiple women encounters i was distraught. Other forums i had visited were mainly dealing with one or two affair kind of infidelity and i felt out of place and confused.

My first visit to SI, i had seen this thread and it was like...finally, people who understnad what i am going through.

Its been a crazy sad rollercoster. we were separated 6 weeks, now doing in house separation, but i still do not want to be with him, i feel so depressed and disgusted with him.

I also do not understand how they get to sleep fine, eat fine and act normal. I am up till 2 am crying while my WH is watching TV and laughing out loud or playing computer games.