SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bump

Bumping for crushedchic.

So sorry that you had to find us honey, but so glad that you did.

Sending you hugs and strength.

MOB x

Bump

This is great. Thank you for putting this all together in one post.

Please explain what means "bump?"

"Bump" will move a thread to the first page of a forum for easy access to folks who need it.

Thank you, SK.

bumping up for new members.

Bump

Can this be a pinned thread in the "I can relate" forum? It would be so much easier to find and there wouldn't be a need to bump it.

^ ^ ^ ^ I agree.

It would be so helpful to have this post pinned to the top of JFO.

Feeling for all of us in this horrible situation.

MOB xxx

Moving this thread on up for Promise.

Sweetie - I feel your pain and hope that you will continue to read and post here.

All the best,

MOB xxx

Thank you for taking the time to post this information. I have been in the background reading for a long while. Im not quite ready to share my story... Its so long and complex i wouldnt even know how without going off on a rant. My Dday was in feb but TT until early May (i think) its all a bit of a blur. I know I have more better days now... But the bad days still come and they come hard! God bless everyone who finds themselves here... It completely blew me out the water! But it does get better... The pain isnt always so raw. Sending love xx

Has any WS that has these issues actually ever stopped and changed and become a good human being? Installed their morals and values again? Im on night shift tonight and my head is spinning! :-/

Xxx

I seriously wonder this ALL the time. The Csat says if they do the hard work and make real life changes in their thinking and core belief (with tons of therapy and introspection and multiple meetings/week) there is a 5% relapse rate after the five years of recovery/abstinence. How you know if they "do the real work"- that I have no idea. What a terrible world we belong too... Mental illness is so confusing:(

How is that stat- if they can stop fucking randoms for FIVE years- there is "only" a 5 % failure rate... Can I spend my entire life on this stat? I just don't know sometimes.

I think I am fucked- and my poor babies.

Pretty sure i cant sign up to five years of this! Im young! Why don't I just walk away!! Urrgghhhh! :-(

Xxx

This is my first post to this or any forum. I've been lurking for a few months. My DDay was April 5.

Since then I've been in an emotional fog. We are in MC and IC - WS is about to start going to group counseling. If there was a check list for everything you are supposed to do right in a situation like this - he's checking all the boxes, but I cannot move past the betrayal and disgust I feel.

Here's my sad, but clearly not so unusual story.

We are married 17 years. Happily married - and I still believe that - but, while married, he looked at porn and masturbated. I didn't like it, asked him to stop many times, but he said it was normal, he'd been doing it all his life, etc. I finally just gave up and turned a blind eye to it. I guess a part of me believed that all men do look at it and it was just inevitable. Anyway - I trusted him and never suspected he would cheat on me. But he did.

One afternoon, our son was in trouble and we were talking to him and my husband was telling him to be a man and tell the truth - and my son blurted out - Oh really - be a man and tell the truth? Why don't you tell Mom about that used condom package on the floor of the hotel in NY?

I can't even explain to you how the bottom fell out from under me right then.

He'd been in NY on business and we flew my son out to spend the weekend with him. When he got there, he'd found an empty condom wrapper on the floor by the bed. He kicked it under the bed and never said anything, but he's told me that he's felt sick about it since then.

My husband denied it for 3 days before finally confessing that he'd hired a prostitute to give him a hand job. This is all the will admit to - just a hand job - says it's all he wanted. I asked about any other times, and he said he'd once gone for a massage and when it was done she touched him and he didn't say no - and she gave him a hand job.

I don't believe that those are the only instances, and I don't believe that it's only a hand job. I think if you have a prostitute in your hotel room, you are going to do more than get a hand job. But he continues to be adamant that it's all that happened. He says she put lotion in the condom to jerk him off.

He has stopped all porn and masturbation. He checks in constantly - both to let me know where he is and to see how I am doing. He has consoled me many many sleepless crying nights.

but I'm sick inside. I feel like everything inside my skin is in constant motion. 4 months out and I finally feel like I can somewhat make it through the day without wanting to stay in bed all day, but just barely.

Every time he touches me, I think of him touching her. Every time I touch him, I think of her touching him.

I honestly thought we were so close and so special that his hands would explode if he tried to touch another woman - not literally, obviously, but emotionally - I never thought he could do it. But, he can. And he can lie to me.

So, now what?

My son is worried we will divorce - he feels the weight of having told me and now our marriage is in shambles. He doesn't want us to split up.

I don't want us to split up - but I can't imagine ever trusting him again.

He says he is sick to have caused me so much pain for something so worthless. He says he will do anything to earn my trust and love again. He cried when he said it hurts him to know that I don't love him the same way I did before, and never will again.

Sometimes I believe he's sincere - and sometimes I think he's still lying to me.

I want him to take a polygraph test. I need to know if he's telling me the truth. I have told him I can only begin to heal if I know what I'm really dealing with. He says he will take the test - I'm waiting on getting the money together.

I have no idea what I will do if he takes it and it indicates that he's not being truthful.

But, if it indicates that he is, I feel like I can try to move forward.

We have established a much deeper level of communication in these four months - I didn't realize that was missing as much as I realize it now. Our sex life is much better - I've asked him to only have sex with me, no masturbation, to come to me, and so far, he's done that as far as I know.

I feel so lost in space - I know so many of you do, too. I know eventually, regardless of what happens, I'll get better.... but, I have no idea how long that will take.

Probably worth noting - I have not told anyone in my life about this other than our therapists. I'm so embarrassed - both from a standpoint of having been cheated on, and so cheaply. I can't imagine telling any of my friends my husband cheated on me with a hooker. I do plan to confide in my cousin when I see her at the end of the month... that's my plan right now anyway.

Any advice or words of wisdom?

[This message edited by melonhead at 11:35 AM, August 8th (Monday)]

I completely understand your hurt and disgust. It's hard to even describe how you feel. I'm a part of this world too. I'm very "lucky" because I had very little trickle truth. My SA hubby likes swinging, orgies, sex with men and women.

You need to set boundaries to feel "safe enough". I think seeing a csat counselor is helpful. This illness is an ugly beast.

About these boundaries- he needs to go get fucking STD testing- and like yesterday. He needs all the "regular tests" and then all the extra special tests because he is extraordinarily high risk. He needs to show u the results. Then you need testing (if he refuses- u still need testing). He doesn't get to kill you and take his sons mother off this earth because he can't keep his dick in his pants. You are more important than this.

Love and hugs.

Melon, it's very good that you are both in counseling. It's very good that you are here to share on SI. It's very good that your H seems remorseful and willing to do the polygraph.

But Melon, please know that 5 months is still very fresh. Studies of betrayal have suggested that healing is typically 2 to 5 years depending on a variety of factors including the length of the betrayal.

From what you've said, it seems like you are doing many good things to regain your strength, your balance, your peace of mind. Perhaps you've already read from the Healing Library here on SI. There are other ways to gain some balance such as daily exercise, regular exposure to music, practicing yoga and or meditation and joining groups. Being with loved ones even if they don't know can be relaxing and fun but perhaps there is a friend or relative that you can share with.

It must be a great additional pain that your son, I'm guessing still a teen, knows about this. But Melon, crazy as this is, so many spouses unfortunately are betrayed and have all sorts of particular horribles. But I'm learning that we can and do survive and not only survive but come through the trauma to enjoy life again. Can't say that I'm there yet. This month will be one year. But I can now have a good day. And Melon that's after learning after 35 years of marriage that my H had been cheating for the past 12 years. There are many outrageous stories here. And many strong and amazing people. You' ve come to the right place. So take care and have faith that you will find your way and come to a good place again.

[This message edited by marji at 6:44 PM, August 9th (Tuesday)]

Bumping for minimimi11