SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are supposed to be in R even though i filed for divorce.

My WS is upset when i check his phone calls, texts or email. Even still. Oh, he let me see the phone, but was very upset for the rest of the night...and this morning.

Looks like there is something to hide to me with this response.

How did your WS respond when you were checking the phone or emails?

He better respond with kindness and compassion or i'm outta here.

He doesn't blink an eye. He has been very good about that since dday. We share an email account. And he brings his cell in every night and puts it on the desk in our room. I have the password. And he knows I check the online call/text history because I have asked him about a few things before..he is always good with it. There were a few times he got some telemarketing calls,and didn't mention them to me..and I found them on the call history,then had to investigate the number,sending me into a trigger. he has been much better about telling me when he gets a call like that,so I don't come across it on my own. When he tells me,Im ok. But finding an odd number online in his call log triggers the crap out of me.

My WH#2 knows I check his phone records and deleting anything will not erase it on his bill. Last night he finally agreed to have an e-mail account and I helped him set it up. He is fixing to get laid off from his job and needs to be able to use the computer for job searches and the fact that he knows nothing about the computer might keep him from being able to find another job. When he saw that I could get access to his e-mail, he objected at first. I told him that people that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. He of course agreed after that. I told him he was more than welcome to check mine anytime he wanted because I had nothing to hide from him. I also warned him that getting on porn sites or any social media sites was a strict no no in our home and I would not stand for it. I then told him about some of the horror stories that I have read about on this forum and I think that will hopefully deter him from doing that.

Mine understands that I need to do this. He doesn't have a problem with it. He recently asked to have a new laptop. Let's just say his iPad was destroyed due to major triggering.

I agreed to the purchase but I told him I was putting a keylogger on it because I did not want to have to boot up his laptop whenever I wanted to check it out. He said do whatever I felt I needed to do to feel comfortable. I prefer stealthy random checks.

Mine told me I'd quit being upset if I would quit checking. It was my fault for being upset since I was the one who snooped. Yes, we are divorced. Loser....

We have total transparency now. I have all his passwords and total access to his phone whenever I want. He's ok with that. I told him it's vice versa as well, from now on it has to be that way.

My H is not only ok with it, he is happy I do it. He wants me to see he has stopped hiding things. He wants me to verify that his text messages match the phone bill. Every time it all adds up, he knows it builds back some of the trust he destroyed.

A remorseful, transparent WS working on becoming a FWS has no problem opening everything to their BS because they understand it builds trust.

I've only had a problem with MrH being angry about me checking up on him when he was hiding something.

Intially, he was ok with it, about a week in he got pissy and had changed passwords. This didn't fly with me. I kept snooping. He would get angry and pout, and even say the stupid things that WS's say, I wouldn't get upset if I didn't look, I was never gonna let this go, He was being good.

Yah well when his attitude change it was because he was back in contact with her.

After I handed him my rings, and told him to get out of our home, that is when things changed.

He no longer hid anything, he was kind, he didn't care that I was checking up, snooping, and looking over his shoulder. Now 5 years out, he can't believe he behaved like that. He of course is sorry, now.

But any time they get pissy about anything related to the A, then they are most likely hiding something. Mine was every damn time.

He gave me all passwords to everything. In fact, I'm on his and my facebook page every day playing a game with my daughters. I can open his email whether he's here or not and he gave me the information for his secret account so I could control it or delete it (my choice). He hands me his phone any time I ask for it without asking why I want it. This is 3 years after our last dday and he is just as open now as he was when he realized he was about to lose everything. He always says "Look all you want. I have nothing to hide and never will again."

I would feel the same exact way you do. My husband actually set my ipad up so all his i messages go to my ipad again. Which is the way I caught him to begin with but I had disconnected it in an attempt to trust him. I have access to his email and phone records. He thinks I forgot his email password though. I can also see work camera's from home but I could always see those, I just never had a reason to watch them. I can look through his phone at any time. He's always had access to my facebook. He doesn't have one himself but he reads mine several times a day.

WS was furious. Insisted that I was violating his privacy, demanded that I show him mine as well, accused me of acting "sketchy with my stuff" and was furious that I demanded full transparacy with his.

BUT, he didn't change his e-mail address.

It's been over a year. He shares every single e-mail with me, does not have a facebook account or social networking site, and lets me see his phone whenever I want. I rarely ask anymore.

He has always put his phone down on the coffee table the moment he arrives home, he then leaves the room to do other things (wash his hands, change out of work clothes, etc.) and leaves it there. He's walked in on me before looking through it, and he has never flinched or said a word. He often also hands me his phone and says "hey, can you look this thing up for me" or whatnot. He will also ask me who texted him when his phone beeps. He is VERY good at transparency, has been since DDay.

He doesn't care, he leaves his phone around so I can check whenever I want and had offered to leave it at home while he's working if I want. We share an ipad and no laptop anymore so thankfully no worries there.

I don't care if we are 10 years out - if I ask to check his phone he better let me!!!!!

Mr. Trac-Fone granted me "transparency" after a long, long battle. "Transparency" included access to FB and one email account. His phone and work email remained off limits. (He still says he gave me access to his phone; sure, he left it ---them, really, because he had 2---on the counter. Locked.)

He viewed my inspection of ANY of the means by which he communicated with his whores as a tremendous invasion of his privacy. His "last" OW (who was not--he cheated on her, too) and he had an odd turn of phrase they shared, when discussing transparency: It was "giving up his SOUL."

Truly bizarre.

And 100 percent because there was much, MUCH still to be hidden.

Hell, we've been separated for almost 3 years, and he recently got a new Trac-Fone (hence his moniker)---now that he no longer has to worry about me taking his very "SOUL," he's paranoid about the NSA, I mean, to pathological proportions.

It's really, really bizarre.

My H has been totally transparent with everything. He doesn't get upset when I check even after an argument. His phone is my phone too and vice versa...

He changed his cell number on dday too which was a relief. We use the same unlock code on our cells and have access to both our emails.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:40 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

It's been 5 years & he still lets me check his phone, texts.. etc.. He has no issues at all with me checking into anything.. He even lets me know where he's at, at ALL times..

FWIW this is one of the few things he did right for R ( there are lots more he hasn't)

When we were in false R he would act like you describe. Now he lets me hold it anytime happily. If he has nothing to hide he shouldn't act that way. Mine acted like a mopy child when in false R. Now he happily tells me everything.

In the beginning it was fine. Now, 4 1/2 months later he verbally has a snide comment about being treated like a child. Doesn't do a lot for our R, if you know what I mean.