SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I will admit, I am scared that I will push her away further. I am silly for not listening because you all know and I am a scared father and husband who is following my heart.

Don't beat yourself up, Bro....I did "all the wrong things too"....for about 6 weeks......then I got with the 180...

Yeah...this infidelity crap is the hardest thing I have ever done...from an emotional standpoint....I understand your dilemma...BTDT..I am NOT a pissed off BH that divorced a WW...Within a few weeks of my FWWs fog induced bullshit affair, we were on our way to a pretty good R......AFTER the fence post was removed from her cheatin' ass....some of the bullshit coming out her mouth was so feakin' crazy - I knew it was all bullshit.....I didn't fall for it....

Bro....I have done the 180 with 2 cheatin' wives.....one ended in a divorce (my choice) the other with a R...(also my choice - and before my "give a shit" quit working)....its all in my profile - should you care to look at it...

The 180 is NOT a secret plan to win your wife back....but that sometimes is the end result of what happens......ONCE ...the fog is lifted... The 180 is designed to allow you to detach...pull yourself out of a toxic relationship..and having a wife that is "in love" with another man is VERY TOXIC.....

There is NOT a simple solution to your dilemma....R is a long and drawn out process...takes weeks....hell, months...sometimes years....BUT...first you gotta get her out of her fog...a simple im sorry honey and a weekend of make up sex will NOT cut it....

Good luck....

Keep us posted..

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 3:03 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

bufff would agree with this too-

She's got to get herself outta the fog.

Not. Your Job.

180 is for you.

Do it.

I know what to do, man up and forgive myself and do us on ME.

I appreciate ALL support and feed back. Tough love.

If it's any consolation, I didn't listen to anyone when I started posting here either. I started threads where I was 2x4'd HARD in response after response. And I *still* didn't take action on the advice. BUT. I was *listening*. I hope that you are also. You will eventually (hopefully) get to the point where your sense of what is 'healthy' and 'unhealthy' becomes more astute. You will see that through your continued interaction with her, that what you are doing isn't working.....and is just keeping the beast alive.

My biggest hurdle to overcome was this: I could not have a discussion with (now)stbx about how dire our situation was without feeling the need to leave him with 'hope' that it would all work out okay in the end (this is synonymous with your fear of 'pushing her away'). ***facepalm***

The truth is that you can't push her any further away because she's not running towards you. She's too busy spouting off her "he's my TwinFlame" shit.

I am in the same place now that I would have been 2 years ago....if I had listened to everyone here. The only difference is the amount of emotional damage that occurred to me in those 2 years.

This gave me goose-bumps:

She mentioned that a co worker told her that it is much harder for woman to come back from an affair especially an emotional one.

Your WW is attempting to use an 'authority' argument with you here. ** <Someone> said <something> and so you just need to choke down on it because <that> is how it works.** There IS a 'grain of truth' in that statement, but *I* don't like how your WW used it. She didn't seem to use it in an "I've got a lot of work ahead of me" way.....it feels more as if she's using it as a *pass* to continue with her pining after OM. And now, since an 'authority' has rubber-stamped it, YOU need to *suck it up* until she 'figures' it out, kwim? (btw....I'm VERY good at deciphering convoluted WS-speak).

In previous posts you've been given a road-map. It is very much to your benefit to follow it....no matter HOW counter-intuitive it feels.

Felco...

there is a pretty good thread on the 180 here in JFO....target in the margins....sometimes buried on pages 2,3,4,or even 5.....study it...

Bufffalo

I was very good with the 180, then this morning before leaving she ask why I am talking to her friends and family. I talk to everyone but her. I replied to save the marriage. She had the nerve and say that I have not done all to save the marriage. I told her that she made it clear where she stands and I am focusing on me.

She said that she was unhappy in the marriage and I told her she can be happy alone. She thinks I have not done all....fuck you!!

I replied to save the marriage.

The 180 is for you. Please don't forget that. It is not about changing your WW. It is about your healing.

I replied to save the marriage.

So what does it take for you to stop telling her you want to save the marriage? If she sends you pictures of her and OM, will that do it?

STOP TELLING HER YOU WANT HER!!!

btw - my answer would have been "You fucked anyone you wanted, so I'll talk to anyone I want." That shows that I am not interested in WS's opinion of my actions, and also reminds them of why I am not interested. Your response said "I hope you see the light and come back to me."

She had the nerve and say that I have not done all to save the marriage.

Sorry Felco, but every BS that's posted in this thread would agree. You're doing what feels good to you. You're doing things that make you believe, even for a minute, that all will be ok. You're putting your entire happiness in her hands.

Do something to save your marriage - tell her you're done.

Here is #6 of the 180:

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Please, reread the 180, and follow it. It's for YOU. It's for YOUR life. Understand this Felco, she's really believing that what she's doing is fine. Show her it isn't.

If she askes again, tell her that she checked out of your marriage so your just moving on and who you talk to is your business not hers.

Maybe that will wake her up.

Felco, brother, just take a breath. Step away from the situation. Clear your head and attack this problem with clarity.

Not so easy, right? That's why the 180, executed in all it's glory is for you. It's not a tool designed to change her. That's up to her. It is a tool designed to give you the things I mentioned in the first paragraph.

You can't save this marriage on your own. The only thing you can do is save yourself, and by extension, the kids. Look at the 180 again, then again. Executing it will not come naturally. You WANT to talk to her and her family. It seems like you are doing something productive by doing so, when in fact, you are doing the opposite. Yes, you will fail at it. Probably many times. Pick yourself up and try again. You will get there.

You mentioned a fear of pushing your wife away. How much further away can she get? Other than being in an active physical affair, she's about as far away as she can get. She has found her prince Icheatalot and is happy! Even though he has thrown her under the bus, he, and not you, is the one she desires to be with. Let her.

You are the prize here brother. You are the one with morals and scruples. You are worth so much more.

Strength

Good Morning everyone.

Here's today's update.

Yesterday morning she said some crap and then later texted me saying she feels like shit to know we are seperating and that I am right that she does not know what she wants.

She has moved on and is gone.

I did not reply.

I felt good for the day because I am not playing this game anymore.

She went to her councling a day early and basically she needs her time for herself.

I told her that I am moving forward with me.

She wanted to go to the MC today to talk about the seperation and I told her there is nothing to discuss, you are on the couch, I take the kids on Saturday you Sunday, and we discuss kids and finances.

I did let go a little bit and told her that she has no respect for me or no remorse and I am tired of her shit and her mouth.

I also said that it is funny. What? I said this whole thing. Funny that you wanted to throw it all away for a man who played you and has a history.

Yes, I know I should have shut my mouth once again but IT FELT GOOD!!!! (painfulpast will let me have it)

I am really trying to be less co dependant and came to a point that I am in control of me and only me.

I am planing ways to move on.

[This message edited by Felco at 10:53 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Keep at it, Felco.

I was you, this summer, and can attest that the day I read about the 180 and began it, life got a lot better. I got better. And my WW's fog lifted 75%.

After the 1st time I said "I don't need this person you've become, don't let the door hit you in the ass." she stared in silence, left, then returned in tears wanting to R. I said see if you still think so in a week, bye. (i don't mean to imply 180 made her come back, but knowing I was moving on sure gave her something to think about)

3 months into difficult R, I still do a mild 180 all the time. Or maybe i don't need her, and this is the new me...

[This message edited by LetMeRollIt at 11:09 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Funny that you wanted to throw it all away for a man who played you and has a history.

Yes, I know I should have shut my mouth once again but IT FELT GOOD!!!!

As it should!

Letting a bit of anger slip out is not a bad thing. Try not to stay in that state. Not healthy for YOU.

Indifference is the key! That is the crux of the 180. It helps to make her actions inconsequential to you, her voicing her delusional bullshit will become like a gnat buzzing around you...annoying at best. Not the crushing heartache that you have been feeling...Because she is turning into a cartoon character...a two dimensional wraith spewing nothingness.

Remember the opposite of love insn't hate, it is indifference.

She has played fast and loose with your love and marriage. I think I can hear your 'Give A Shit' breaking! I think she can too.

Don't be surprized when she starts Hoovering. She is starting to realize that she has been played and her cruel games with you are played out!

Good Job Felco.

I also said that it is funny. What? I said this whole thing. Funny that you wanted to throw it all away for a man who played you and has a history.

To be perfectly honest I don't have any problem with throwing that shot. A little nugget of truth there and probably a good release for you to own some of that anger. I think you're right that you need to keep moving forward. Breaking patterns of codependency takes time, but you are on the right track imho.

So, I check her phone for texts and she asks her coworker where he is and they say he is at some bike thing.

She says, wish I was with him!!!!!

I confronted her and asked if they are seeing each other and she replied No I don't talk to him except yesterday when I said I am sorry!!

Sorry for telling people it was him so he wouldn't have to ruin his family!

Unreal

So, I check her phone for texts and she asks her coworker where he is and they say he is at some bike thing.

She says, wish I was with him!!!!!

I confronted her and asked if they are seeing each other and she replied No I don't talk to him except yesterday when I said I am sorry!!

Sorry for telling people it was him so he wouldn't have to ruin his family!

Unreal

Again, let OBS know this too. Let her know that WW is still asking about OM, and that she is clearly not out of this A in any way mentally. OBS needs to know her OW is still asking, still asking about his whereabouts, etc. She needs to be aware so she can keep an eye on her H.

She definitely needs to be told that your WW (her OW) spoke to her H. She may already know, but if not, she needs the truth.

You're getting there Felco. You need to detach for you, not her. It's for your well being. You can't be there for your kids, your work, your family - if you aren't there for yourself.

My WW did the same thing. When she finally stopped contact, she just couldn't get the POS out of her head. She'd ask friends if he was on line and if he'd asked about her. She'd blocked him on facebook, but would unblock, creep , then reblock dayly. She deleted him from MSN Messenger so I wouldn't see his name but she'd re-add him as a contact, check if he was arround then delete him multiple times a day.

I hadn't found SI then so I didn't know about mental no contact. And she just wasn't in a place to understand she had to get him out of her head. To her, he was still a "friend" she wasn't allowed to see becuase it would upset me. It wasn't until she finally came out of the fog and realised he was a user that things started to really get better.

I finally found and told his OBS years later. He picked up the phone when she asked him what was going on and screamed at me that he was calling the cops and for me and my "slut wife" to leave him alone. Thats what he really thought of her. I never told her he said that. It was years later and we were in a better place and I didn't want to hurt her.

That is the mindset of these guys. It's just a game for them and the other person isn't worth anything. But in order for this POS to get what he wanted from your wife, he had to get her emotionally engaged. She is still seeing him as the glossy magazine fake person he sold her. She needs to see him for what he really is.

Felco,

I haven't jumped back in because your getting great advice from Bufffalo. Stick to the 180 and watch her actions. This "I wish I was with you" shit tells you all you need to know. Just wanted to see how your doing and see what your doing to take care of yourself? How can you do something for yourself today? Get a good meal, exercise, what ever you do for fun etc....

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:03 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

So now she is reading eat,pray,love. I have the Shirley Glass book and she picked it up once and never again.

After confronting her last night. She told me where she was all day AND she actually is thinking twice about this twin flames crap.

She says each day she is in a different place.

Still no visible remorse.

Is this normal behavior for coming out of the fog, I think she is still in it.

I know stop thinking about her!

I did buy some new clothes again since I lost 12pounds.

I am trying to eat, sleep, hydrate., and do things. I live away from all my relatives and close friends so I am alone a lot.

I looked on meetup but nothing yet.

I am going out tonight maybe with coworkers but no reply so I may be alone. Should pick up a lady friend!!

When do you know it is done?

Or, we are ready to reconcile?

Should I be preparing for my "exit".

Finding places, making lists of items and finances to divide?

Any suggestions on how to prepare aside from filing and contacting an attorney.