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She says that he is being what she wanted him to be seven years ago. She also said the he thinks she is nuts.

Well the OM probably just wanted some no-strings sex, after all both of them are married, and instead the lines he fed her have got her thinking he is her "Twin Flame". I would say it is safest to continue the D without engaging with her about the A and OM.

he thinks she is nuts

Your wife got played hard. She bought it and believed it. This guy is a real scumbag.

But if you tell her this, you'll be the bad guy. She won't beleive it if it comes from you. When she does finally learn on her own or realize this she's going to be a basketcase. I'm so sorry.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:15 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

Felco, happy to see things are improving. As your wife is seeing that the OM isn't available and won't be as per 'she is nuts' statement, then she will start to reclaim her marriage, rather than end up with nothing.

You will need to proceed cautiously; don't be in any hurry to forgive. Wait until you see genuine regret and remorse for what she has done to the marriage. More likely she is afraid of being alone; hounded by the INS if you divorce, or living in a loveless relationship. Either way make her earn the reconciliation.

I am certainly not ready to jump into full R. She is not there because she still believes in those feelings. I caught her looking him up on FB and questioned her in a round about way and she fully admitted it. The OM blocked his account and they are not friends. She admitted having a pic of him and at first she would not delete it and later told me she did. I asked her to switch buildings until he is gone, we will see if she will do it. She wants to see two Counclers to help her cope with her new found change. She has not yet dealt with the affects she caused from the affair. I told her I am losing patience and have planned my future without us. She admitted that she may need to be alone to figure out her feelings and is scared of being alone.

At this point, I am not to hopeful. I am not going to be a stand by. She can stay on the couch and I will continue moving forward and with much caution "work" on the marriage.

I told her I am losing patience and have planned my future without us.

I'm glad you are looking forward Felco!

She admitted that she may need to be alone to figure out her feelings and is scared of being alone.

Let her slam down into rock bottom ALONE. She created the mess and appropriately should deal with it. Maybe then she will come to some realizations. She's still looking him up on FB despite the fact that he's blocked her and moved on. Does she believe his wife is what's standing in the way of her being with her FB, I mean, twin flame?

Detach from the crazy.

PLEASE KEEP YOUR APPOINTMENT WITH THE ATTORNEY TODAY!!!!

This will give you knowledge and provide you with strength, and a plan on how best to proceed.

She isn't sorry for anything yet. She just is feeling sad an lonely because this douchetwat F'd her over. Stay strong, and make your demands for R. If she can't follow that game then you know what your choice will have to be.

I too am suspicious that they are done. I am betting that they have agreed to cool it for a period of time, and then take it underground, and if not they are already underground. I would do a thorough search of her belongings, vehicle, and work bags, and drawers, I am betting you will find a burner phone.

(((and strength))))

I caught her looking him up on FB and questioned her in a round about way and she fully admitted it...I asked her to switch buildings until he is gone, we will see if she will do it.

Brother....stop it. Just stop. You have to stop engaging her.

I told her I am losing patience and have planned my future without us. She admitted that she may need to be alone to figure out her feelings and is scared of being alone.

At this point, I am not to hopeful. I am not going to be a stand by.

But you are setting yourself up as her standby. You keep engaging her. You keep setting requirements. It doesn't mater if she switches buildings. The problem is her so she won''t be any further from the problem than she is now. The OM is gone and that didn''t solve anything. Why? Because the problem is her. She''s scared of being alone? That is not how you want her to be back in the M because I promise you she''ll end up finding a new "Twin Flame". I guarantee it.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 11:46 AM, January 6th, 2014 (Monday)]

My mouth starts going when we talk. I am a man and want to fix things but know I should shut the hell up. I try but then catch myself in the moment. I think I would be better off if they were together. So, I can just move on and watch it all crumble from a far.

My plan of moving forward is not changing, I am still looking at life without her. I am not leaving anytime soon but I will have a plan

I am a man and want to fix things but know I should shut the hell up.

That's understandable. It really is. This is going to be the hardest part. To catch yourself and stop from doing this. It is also imho an indication of some codependency issues. Get yourself into IC. Focus on you and what you can control.

Mr. Felco,

You have received some really great advice here. Yet, everytime, in the beginning, you throw up a big BUT.

Now some stuff, you have to take with a grain of salt because only you truly know your own situation and your WW best. However, and please please don't be offended, your WW is no different than (her actions, nothing) the other cheaters that the SI folks talk about on a daily.

I highly encourage you to read every possible bit of guidance from the healing library. When you are done, start reading from the other forums. Read EVERYTHING. You will see how classic your WW is behaving. Especially when you start reading your fellow SIers in JFO.

I especailly recommend you go to the WS forum because there is where you will see what should be expected...or other FWS giving 2x4s to the still foggy but wanting to be Rful WSs.

Once you have done this, you will be amazed at how all WSs seem to be following the same blueprint, jokingly referred to as The Cheater's Handbook 101.

You are walking in the right direction, you really are. Reading everything will only strengthen your stride and give you true knowledge of WS speak and actions.

I take all suggestions and stories to heart. I am very lucky to have SI members. My WW is not unique in her actions with the exception that she truly believes that she and the OM are twin flames/soul mates. They are ONE and he is always there.

I think it is an excuse and fantasy to give explanation to her actions. She is scared to deal with her true emotions and she was duped by him.

I don't know who she is and I am losing respect and drive to move forward with us.

she truly believes that she and the OM are twin flames/soul mates. They are ONE and he is always there.

No matter what you say/do, you will always be her plan B. Until she wakes up(and that is ALL on her) and comes to you with snot bubbling, mascara running do anything for you remorse and then proceeds to show you with her actions, you are in a very dangerous place. If she realizes that her green card/immigration status is at risk due to her A, might she not try to claim DV to cover her ass?

VAR at all times.

Strength

******I don't know who she is and I am losing respect and drive to move forward with us.******

What you wrote above is what happened to me...

I am here to tell you that once you fully lose the respect, love and the drive to move forward with your spouse than time is up, game over..There is no repairing the relationship..

Two people can coexist in an M without love while living in the same house but the betrayed or wronged spouse pays the high price..

Not a pretty picture to lose one's health, sanity or both...

What did the attorney say today?

I spoke with the attorney and if we do decide to D, there is a way of keeping her greencard. As for the custody of kids if she wants to leave the country then It would go to the courts and we would battle for custody. Hope it does not go that route. As for everything else, it was nothing new.

I hate to say this but what if this Twin Flames crap is true feelings? I looked at it and it is plausible. I only say that because she has not changed her story since she has told me.

S

Has anyone on here have had the same thing happen??

I know I am reaching for answers guess time will tell.

Felco, you need to listen to us when we say this...

My WW is not unique in her actions with the exception that she truly believes that she and the OM are twin flames/soul mates. They are ONE and he is always there.

...and this...

I hate to say this but what if this Twin Flames crap is true feelings? I looked at it and it is plausible. I only say that because she has not changed her story since she has told me.

...do not make your WW unique at all. In fact other than using the "Twin Flame" term, which she cherry-picked because it validated her, this "soulmate" crap has been used by so many WS it is a flippin' joke to me now. Not changing her story is not unique either. The fact that OM threw her under the bus, established NC and says she's nuts is that much more reason for her to cling to this "Twin Flame" story. Why? Because the alternative is to accept that she destroyed her M, her family for a guy who used and went crawling remorsefully back to his wife.

Seriously, if I had a nickel for the amount of "soulmates" in the hundreds of emails I have between my FWH and his MOW I wold be rich. It really is like they attend the "How to cheat on your spouse 101" seminar and then start their journey. It's all textbook with all of us on here.

You have got to draw a line in the sand. Why not do this. Tell her to leave and go to him. Say "Look, if you really believe he is your "twin flame" go to him and be with him. But we have to divorce. I can not be in a marriage with three people."

Ad WTF does "Twin Flame" even mean???? Is she 13?

I hate to say this but what if this Twin Flames crap is true feelings? I looked at it and it is plausible. I only say that because she has not changed her story since she has told me.

Really? It's unique and plausible? I'm what universe does "meant to be" mean ripping families and hearts apart? If this is so beautiful (per your WW) and destined, then how,come it came after they had each established families?

As for unique, I have to agree with others that this is common WS, just different lingo. So much that we have our own lingo for it. "Soulmate schmoopies" and "hole mates" come to mind.

Hell, this crap goes back to the days of Plato. Does that mean you give it any credence? I wouldn't. Love is a choice, an action. Seriously, in all the world there are how many billions of souls ATM? And hers just happened to be working there next to her? But yours is where...China? The BWs is where? Perhaps only two counties away but she'll never meet him because her WH saw her worth and made the choice to love her, to take action to show he loves her...if all you've heard is true. If this twin flame business is true, do you think he'd really be able to turn from someone he supposedly had "unspeakable peace and understanding" with.

Want to see how ridiculous this and how it's nothing new or unique, watch the old Demi Moore movie, Butcher's Wife. Be prepared to trigger. She basically cheats on her husband because the OM is her "split apart". I thought it was stupid when I saw it as a teen and I think it's stupid now.

Don't let her drag you into this crazy.

I am a man and want to fix things but know I should shut the hell up.

Felco....Dude.....your wife is in a rainbows, fairy dust and unicorn FOG! Of course theyre soulmates - otherwise shes a slut...(in her mind) - which is why we call it a fog...

You want to fix it....hey, Bro - I get that....however you need to realize that "you didn't cause it, you cant control it and you canNOT fix it"...

You can sit around and wait for the fog to rise - and it may or may not....the OM has already dumped her .....(unless the affair has gone underground - and some do at this point)...

If they were really "twinflames" or soulmates - they'd be together now...so....im gonna go with the concept that that "twinflames" justification is mere bullshit...at this point in my FWW's A I didn't believe a damn thing she said....and only half of what I saw. I knew it was all bullshit - including the "ILYBINILWY" line...KWIM?

You cannot MAKE her change her mind...only your wife can do that....AFTER SHE GETS HER HEAD OUTTA OM's ASS....

How do you do that? How do you push her to figure out that she was nothing to OM than a "notch on his belt"? Its called the 180, Bro...research it...then do it. You like to fix things.....fix something you can do something about....your reaction to her behavior....you can fix that....JMO.

Been on SI for years...seen it a jillion times....and here are your options....

1. You will R with your wife...

2. Or not...

that is it...

Until the fog clears...shes just humping your leg....I know some here on SI debate that the fog is an illusion...that it really doesn't exist....I believe it does....its just a term to describe how some WSs justify in their minds their thought process concerning their affair...and allowing them to NOT address their real reason for cheating....

Until my FWW did the old "snotting, crying, blubbering, im so sorry I hurt you, mascara dripping off her chin apology"......I knew she was in her fog....you cannot fix that....I couldn't either....didn't even try. Yeah...I did all the wrong things....my reactions to her behavior were wrong...I fixed that. I started a full court press 180.....I hit it hard....then I filed for divorce....HUGE reality check for the FWW.

No...didn't want a divorce...wanted to share a wife even less....so I "knocked her outta the bitch seat" (biker joke)...and fixed MY reactions to her fog induced bullshit thinking...my FWW needed a reality check.....so .....I gave her one....I could "fix" that....KWIM?

You are NOT gonna nice guy her back into your marriage...nice little discussions will not do it either....nor will crying, begging and pleading....wouldn't work on my FWW either....

Not trying to beat you up, bro....your wife is already doing that...(metaphorically speaking).....One of my undergrad degrees is in political science...I know that officially the US Government does NOT negotiate with terrorists...I wasn't going to either...KWIM?

You need to get OM outta her head - before anything else can happen...

JMO

Keep us posted...

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 8:20 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

Look up Santa Claus.

For millions of kids he’s real.

Does that make him real?

One day we all have to wake up and deal with reality. Your wife is still on snooze.