SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Felco,

Believe us when we say that we understand how much you are hurting. And this isn't some fake compassion---we REALLY DO know how much this hurts.

None of this is fair. To unilaterally be discarded by our partner...the one who we expected to be with and love one another for the rest of our lives...is basically unthinkable. Add to that the utter fear we have in the finality of our marriage, and it can be overwhelming.

You will never, EVER, get justice out of this. It just doesn't happen. But what you can do, is get yourself to a better place as soon as possible. I understand that sometimes we want to hold on to our pain, because that is all that is left of our past, but it is not healthy. It does you no good in the short or long term.

The sooner that you take back control of your life, the sooner that you will start to feel like your old self. That is a plain, simple truth. It may be hard to act on, but that doesn't make it any less of a reality. So please friend, listen to what the others here are telling you. Your case is not unique when it comes to her mindset or your own. They know how to help you through this, but you are the one that has to follow through. All they are asking you to do, is be fair to yourself. Stand up for what is right. Don't debase yourself any longer.

Seriously---read Allatsea's and Abbondad's story. It is right here---from beginning to current. Then times that by the tens of thousands of other similar stories here. As I said, we know what we are talking about.

You can do this. I know that you don't want to, but you can't stay here forever. It will drain the life out of you.

how would we search for or find their story?

Here is my thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=492569&AP=1

All my pain laid out for the world to see

Felco, stay strong. As much as this hurts now, you are saving yourself. She has made zero effort to help this relationship, and she is still all wound up in herself.

We all deserve a partner that treats us fairly, and equally. Unfortunately, some of us are not given a choice. I was in your shoes, and wanted to do everything and anything I could to save my M. Yet I was continued to be disrespected, and lied to, and one day I finally had enough and realized that I didn't need to be a doormat to be happy. Being happy is within our own selves. You are just starting to take that first difficult step.

Keep posting, and stay strong.

(((and strength))))

Whenever any BS tells their WS ahead of time "I'm going to file" or "I'm going to move out" or "X,Y,Z is a deal-breaker" what they really mean imho is "This is your last chance to stop me...and this time I mean it."

WS often misread these 'lifelines' and think "I've got the BS on the hook. They're always going to be there for me." so they continue to chase their skittle rainbows in unicorn land. What they don't get is once the BS accepts they lost the M and their WS and takes those next steps...well they're letting go of the WS on the inside. They will be well and truly done with the WS and we all know that the WS doesn't really consider that.

The fact is that many WS never "get it". The A and their AP may implode but their internal delusions that drove them are alive and well and push them on to the next "adventure".

Well, she is done with me.

Last night she said she wants to be with me but can't because she cannot be romantically close. So Love but not in love. She is still dealing with these feelings for him.

So, we are DONE.

I told her to leave this morning and she layed down and said no. I am not moving out and I am staying here.

I can see that she is done with us but she wants to remain friends.

blah,blah

I beleive therewas nothing I could or could of done because she has the same feelings since DDay.

I will survive.

Sad day

I'm so sorry, Felco. You will be so much happier when you no longer have this lead weight around your neck. Believe that the future will be much better. Who needs someone who isn't willing to go the full mile with you?

(((Felco))))

I told her to leave this morning and she layed down and said no. I am not moving out and I am staying here.

Then see a lawyer and start sleeping in a different room. You can work on co-parenting but being friends? No. That's just a form of cake-eating and the bakery is closed.

She can feed you the I love you but not in love you crap, but don't you believe it for one second. She is so damn broken that she couldn't possibly love anyone, and that includes herself and you, and your kids.

You absolutely have the duty to put those kids as your first priority. She is not doing that, for her selfish narcisstic fucked reasons. Love them, find strength in them. Go talk to the A, and ask for exclusive use of the home. Her being there is just going to continue the crazy making behavior. You have been unable to NOT engage in her useless chatter, and it just makes you weaker, and sadder. Getting her out of the home is going to give you some strength and perspective.

((((and strength)))

She says that she was not happy for a while and felt it with him. She says that she was not connected since after our first child. I was not there. I said you were not communitcating either. I said we realize this shit now and your not willing to give us and this family the a chance to see if things can be better. She says she does not feel it so it will not be genuine. I get it.b But fuck her for not even sucking it up and trying.

So, I guess its time to move on.

I guess I need to look at what my next step is.

Felco - Dude she is rewriting history. She is so full of shit.

Waywards do and say all of those things to justify their actions. Don't believe any of it, and DO NOT accept any of the blame. If she was unhappy she should have done something about it, and instead she went and had an A. She felt happy because she was escaping her crappy reality that she chose to do nothing about. If you want to be angry, be angry at that. NOT that you didn't keep her happy that's bullshit.

We as humans are each responsible for our own happiness, and cannot rely on another person to provide that for us.

Felco, if she has felt this way since the birth of your first child perhaps there is a chance that she is suffering from postpartum depression. Maybe you could talk to her about that and see if she would be willing to see a doctor?

[This message edited by cissi at 12:27 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

Wow...how many of us have heard THAT LINE............

Classic WS speak.

k9

Felco~

Forgive me, I don't want to sound like a nag but...

I know that is hard for your heart to catch up with the truth but why do you continue to engage her in conversation??? That is a dead issue, quite beating it.

She says that she was not happy for a while and felt it with him.

...AND he threw her skank ass under the bus!

Skip all those words, her actions speak volumes. You know that he was using her as a side piece of ass, she is a delusional whore. Let her go.

Muster up your self respect and do a proper 180.

Move her crap out of your home. She can freeze her milk for the baby. Push her out! Her comments are abusive...bullshit re-writting of the marriage...and it's killing you. Don't listen to that crap!

Stop talking to her, even if she initiates the conversation. Ignore her and do only for you and your babies...Please.

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 12:53 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

I will move stuft out of a room and she canstay there instead of in our open loft.

Do the 180, file for divorce, make a schedule for us to switch off with the kids. She will not move so this is the next thing.

She seems to be fine with things. Done crying and is done with me.

Felco,

Do as I say, not as I did. I know--I truly do--what shocking pain you are in. I am not and I was not some alpha-male who chucked my STBX's shit out on the lawn (even though some on this Board implored me to at the time).

Instead, I spent months groveling, begging, pleading with her to stay and work it out--for the sake of the children, for the sake of our scared family. (I am NOT being sarcastic. I literally did all that.)

It was humiliating. I am still disgusted with myself. But it was not out of pure weakness, but love. I loved her. She was the love and light of my life. But she, like yours, became (or perhaps always was) cruel. Selfish. Incapable of empathy, and capable of the most horrendous acts of betrayal.

I and so many of us see our past selves in you. And we wish we could go back in time and shake ourselves (with care and concern) out of our stupor of disbelief and into hard, fast action--even if it goes against our very nature, which is loving, trusting, NORMAL.

Make yourself act forcefully and fearlessly. I was scared to death--really scared. Of what? That by filing for divorce I would push her farther away. But as everyone is saying, she is gone, far gone. She is so broken, if you could live in her head for five minutes you'd be shocked.

Be strong, Felco. We are all supporting you.

She seems to be fine with things. Done crying and is done with me.

You can use that to motivate yourself to detach further but don't dwell on it any further than that. Don't think about her why's. Don't worry about "How could she do this" or "Why can't she see what she's doing to the family". Push those thoughts out of your mind. The answers don't matter. You are where you are. How you go there won't change what you need to do next.

See a lawyer and tend to yourself and your kids.

Get a judge to order her to move out. You don't need to wait for the divorce in most states. She wants someone else? Fine. She can live somewhere else. She's not your problem.

Tell her again, she needs to leave. Give her the smallest room you have, or put her stuff in the basement. YOU keep your bedroom. She is NOT to enter there, for any reason. :Put a lock on the door if you must.

And please, just stop talking to her, about anything except the kids.

She is so broken, if you could live in her head for five minutes you'd be shocked.

This is your new truest truth.

She is broken.

She is a stranger.

Stay out of her head.

Take care of yourself and detach.

So, her little plan of moving with nanny came crashing down!!

Nanny wants to live in the area I want to live and she cannot trust her and her instability.

So, nanny and I will move in together and have the kids come there!!

WW became very upset about that and started panicing and threatening me with BS. I told her to leave me alone several times and she wouldnt I walked away. then she came into try to talk to me.

I told her we moved to this city to start a family together and you had an affair and so now I am moving back to where I want to live and you can do whatever you want.

She came to apologize this morning and said we can do whatever is best for the kids. Can we cohabitate in the house. NO!! I am done and moving on.

I filed for D today.

Very sad time for me.

Looking at putting the house for sale.